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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Honest view needed!

41 replies

Intrepid123 · 25/01/2024 21:08

Please bear with me, its going to be a bit of a long one...
I need advice with my current living situation.
I need to set the scene. I am married. 9 years. I live in my wife's house with her two adult children (both over 21) and their partners,two work form home 2 go to an office. Six people in a three bed house. My wife works full time minimum wage. I pay for everything: mortgage Half for 5 years, full for five years, insurance, shopping, etc etc... ( its thousands a month) she contributes about 15%
The son and daughter pay 'rent' of 150 and 200 respectively. Both earn ok money. The partners pay rent to their families...( I know)
All 4 do nothing to help in the house. No laundry, No bins, no cleaning. ( I pay for a cleaner). They come and go as they please. They place special orders on the shopping. Expect everything and give nothing. They spend their money on clothes, gifts and general stuff.
I have now just been laid off!
Every time I try to broach the subject with my wife I get shouted at, and diverted. Its always shut down pretty fast. Laundry is done late at night and I am expected to hang it as I'm going to bed. I get told' are you still going on about this' I leave every conversation feeling resentment, being used and just unhappy. My savings have already been worked out how long we can last at current run rate. Why should my financial security be jeopardized because she will not approach the subject with any of them. Surely everyone needs to start mucking in.
To add some more flavour the house is not in my name and her will is specifically written to prohibit me selling and moving on. She wants the house to go to her kids....I have 2 kids as well who do not feature anywhere. I get moaned at if I lend them money!
So....Am I just being taken for a ride or is this just how it is and I should suck it up?

Views, Opinions, Advice very welcome!

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 25/01/2024 21:11

I wouldn't stay with someone who spoke to me like that when I raised concerns. Let alone when those concerns are as you describe! What positives does your current set up add to your life?

Conniethecatapillar · 25/01/2024 21:12

I'd not be happy with 6 people in a 3 bed house to be honest that sounds like a squeeze! I can understand if they are saving for their own house or something like that? But it sounds like they are taking the kind heartedness of your wife for granted.

ExcitingRicotta · 25/01/2024 21:16

Your wife and her kids sound completely unreasonable. You’ve been more than generous when you could, now you can’t be, they need to step in.
If you’re married are your assets not joint?! Why doesn’t the house go to all of your kids…

Intrepid123 · 25/01/2024 21:16

None that I can see!

OP posts:
ScoobyG · 25/01/2024 21:18

The house is in her name, but you pay all the mortgage? Has it always been like this or did she ever pay it pre your relationship? Why/how has she made herself so dependent on you? The children should contribute more financially and physically around the house.

Riverlee · 25/01/2024 21:18

They’ve got to step up or else. How are they expecting you to continue to pay?

Intrepid123 · 25/01/2024 21:20

@Conniethecatapillar even if they are saving for a house why should I be subsidising this when my own flesh and blood are getting nothing?

OP posts:
Intrepid123 · 25/01/2024 21:21

@ScoobyG yes she was financially independent and paid her way...50/50

OP posts:
Intrepid123 · 25/01/2024 21:22

@Riverlee what is the 'or else'?

OP posts:
Intrepid123 · 25/01/2024 21:23

@ScoobyG i agree but she just does not listen....

OP posts:
Conniethecatapillar · 25/01/2024 21:25

Intrepid123 · 25/01/2024 21:20

@Conniethecatapillar even if they are saving for a house why should I be subsidising this when my own flesh and blood are getting nothing?

I agree of course, I was just wondering why they were paying so little. We lived with in laws for a couple of years and paid a lot more than that and that was 10 years ago. We did not take the p and I could not wait to move out and have my own space!

Intrepid123 · 25/01/2024 21:28

@Conniethecatapillar They are just too comfortable to move out....why would you......

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 25/01/2024 21:30

Even as a single person when I had to move back with parents for a few month I gave 300 a month till I got own house. That's ridiculous for how many living with you not paying properly

hobbitonthehill · 25/01/2024 21:31

You are being emotionally and financially abused by your wife and her children. You need to take what's left of you're savings and get out before they take everything from you

Conniethecatapillar · 25/01/2024 21:33

@hobbitonthehill you've hit the nail on the head there.

HamBone · 25/01/2024 21:34

Switch off the money tap, OP. The mortgage is in her name, stop paying it. You can transfer a reasonable amount to her each month to pay your way towards bills, but that’s it.

Stop paying for so much and the other working adults will see simply have to step up or lose the roof over their heads.

Justcallmebebes · 25/01/2024 21:40

You're being taken for a mug

stonedaisy · 25/01/2024 21:42

You are being taken for a ride.

HurdyGurdy19 · 25/01/2024 21:58

Crikey - you need to be making plans for there to be five people left living in that 3 bedroomed house.

ScoobyG · 25/01/2024 22:08

@HamBone exactly this. Offer to pay as much as the children do a month to cover yourself! Definitely stop paying, they are rinsing you and they don't sound like they respect you or what you bring to the family stability wise. What is stopping her from going back to paying significantly more towards the mortgage etc like she used to?

Intrepid123 · 25/01/2024 22:10

@HamBone she is doing a job which is more of a calling....i often get threatened with ok ill go back to x so I just feel guilty stopping her

OP posts:
Winnipeggy · 25/01/2024 22:14

Well it sounds like you're very unhappy, there's not much reason to stay so maybe you should just go

Intrepid123 · 25/01/2024 22:17

@Winnipeggy i always think there is a bit of hope if she just addresses the issue. I guess the fact she doesn't says a lot. when we are out of the house we get on great.

OP posts:
FrontEnd · 25/01/2024 22:21

Leave. She's using you...they all are. No respect whatsoever. Sorry you've been laid off (upsetting enough) too. Maybe there is a very tiny silver lining in that it will help clarify you deserve more from life than this. Good luck.

Riverlee · 25/01/2024 22:56

Intrepid123 · 25/01/2024 21:22

@Riverlee what is the 'or else'?

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