Honest view needed!

[Intrepid123]

Please bear with me, its going to be a bit of a long one...
I need advice with my current living situation.
I need to set the scene. I am married. 9 years. I live in my wife's house with her two adult children (both over 21) and their partners,two work form home 2 go to an office. Six people in a three bed house. My wife works full time minimum wage. I pay for everything: mortgage Half for 5 years, full for five years, insurance, shopping, etc etc... ( its thousands a month) she contributes about 15%
The son and daughter pay 'rent' of 150 and 200 respectively. Both earn ok money. The partners pay rent to their families...( I know)
All 4 do nothing to help in the house. No laundry, No bins, no cleaning. ( I pay for a cleaner). They come and go as they please. They place special orders on the shopping. Expect everything and give nothing. They spend their money on clothes, gifts and general stuff.
I have now just been laid off!
Every time I try to broach the subject with my wife I get shouted at, and diverted. Its always shut down pretty fast. Laundry is done late at night and I am expected to hang it as I'm going to bed. I get told' are you still going on about this' I leave every conversation feeling resentment, being used and just unhappy. My savings have already been worked out how long we can last at current run rate. Why should my financial security be jeopardized because she will not approach the subject with any of them. Surely everyone needs to start mucking in.
To add some more flavour the house is not in my name and her will is specifically written to prohibit me selling and moving on. She wants the house to go to her kids....I have 2 kids as well who do not feature anywhere. I get moaned at if I lend them money!
So....Am I just being taken for a ride or is this just how it is and I should suck it up?

Views, Opinions, Advice very welcome!

But why aren’t her children paying a reasonable amount? if she’s planning to leave her property to them, you’re essentially paying for their inheritance. You’ve got your own two children to think about, you shouldn’t be spending your savings this way. Yes, you should pay your own way, but you shouldn’t be shouldering the mortgage/insurance, etc.

Tbh, it sounds as if your wife can’t really hang onto her house unless her adult children chip in significantly.

It might be better to sell up and buy a smaller property together.

OP I paid rent of £160 a month back in 1998. That would be £300 now according to inflation, so that's a consideration.

I'm not sure I've understood correctly but am I correct in saying that let's say you and her separate in 10 years time, are you saying you won't get any money from the house even though you've funded the mortgage the entire time?

Regardless of the answer to that question you're definitely being financially abused and need to make plans to leave sharpish I'm afraid

Yes you are being taken for a ride.
And so are your children.

Good luck sorting it out.

The house might be in your name, but you ate married so it is a marital asset.

Gather all the financial evidence you can of what you pay, turn off the tap, leave and file for divorce.

she is doing a job which is more of a calling....i often get threatened with ok ill go back to x so I just feel guilty stopping her

That's abusive. She's guilting you into doing what she wants you to do without you having any say.

i always think there is a bit of hope if she just addresses the issue. I guess the fact she doesn't says a lot. when we are out of the house we get on great.

She's not going to change OP. From what you've said so far she isn't going to wake up one day soon and realise how unreasonable she's being and start to treat you like an equal. You're there to pay the bills and make her life easier.

You will get entitled a share of the house if you Divorce. I'd suggest seriously thinking about it. You can apply for a Divorce online then see a good, local Solicitor specialising in Family Law to get your Financial Settlement drawn up.

Oh my god you have to leave. Sounds like your awful wife will kick you out anyway once your cash runs out.

This sounds very unfair and not a healthy set up and you sound unhappy. However I think simply saying 'leave' is not so easy. It's never that simple - you are not teenagers!

You are unhappy though and I think this needs work. What about suggesting marriage therapy and trying to work through this together? This can really really help.. if it doesn't then at least you have tried. I realise this is something you might feel is an expense you can't afford right now but the option of leaving will likely be a much more expensive option.

They are all taking the piss.

Think of your kids.

How is your relationship otherwise?

@BlastedPimples not good if I stick up for myself! Which I always do. So it’s a perpetual cycle.

I suppose you have to decide if you are prepared to stay even if they all continue to behave so abysmally (adults need to pay their way and pull their weight, period). And a VERY serious conversation with your wife about the current state of play. I'd also cancel the cleaning lady, stop the grocery shopping (that was coming out of my funds), move my savings somewhere no one can get at it, draw up a list of chores and only do your own and insist all 4 pay rent. Better still, move out. That many adults in a 3 bed house, I'd lose my mind!

@padsi1975 Thank you!

Get out of there.
Emotionally, you're not being taken seriously - clearly neither your wife nor your stepkids feature you in their life.
Financially, you and your children are going to continue losing out - what's left of your savings, then put you in debt, then your wife will look for ways to squeeze you some more, because there clearly isn't a relationship there.
Last, there is no prospect for growth. Your efforts are lost on your stepkids and your wife.
Pack your bags, go and don't come back. To your kids maybe. Take your savings bar a couple of weeks' of your ex-family's necessities so that they have that amount of time to sort themselves out, then sign out of any common bank account. You might worry you're loosing the rights to the house, etc. but you already have anyway; when your wife goes after you for support, the rights you are giving up there are the price of your freedom.
Your ex-wife and step children will resolve their problems pretty quickly once your departure concentrates their mind, so you don't need to worry about that.

Your partner is using you to support her and her family.
They are abusing you.

Shut this down and seek legal advice.

It doesn't even sound like you're getting any love or respect in this set up... you're a financial facility for them all.

I feel so sorry for you.

Is there any chance that after a conversation they'd start to contribute more financially?

It's not fair on you. The pressure etc.

@Intrepid123 I get that there's some really awful decisions ahead of you but all of the previous posters have spoken the sense of a clearly viewing outsider.

I guess the way to process through the decision making is to table a very adult conversation about how you feel and what needs to change ONE FINAL TIME. If that is met with avoidance then there's the start of you processing next steps. I feel for you. I left a very miserable financially abusive relationship with the shoe on the other foot. He told me there was no way I could make it without him. I looked at the next 20 years of my life and knew that every day I stayed I'd be kicking myself.

10 years on my life could not be more amazing than I imagined it and I have an incredibly supportive husband. (I am also the breadwinner nowadays with 100% respect from my husband!)

If you think you're being done over you're correct. Good luck with the processing this weekend and keep talking. Strangers on the internet can be unbelievably therapeutic when going through these sorts of life events

@Dollyparton3 thank you. What you say makes complete sense. This post has been the turning point for me. Everyone has been so supportive. The comment are all truthful and constructive.

I’m checked out!

thank you!