18 y/o refuses to cook for himself

[Helloisitmeyourelookingforxo]

Or do anything else for that matter. He has a part time job, he did have a second one but was let go after Christmas. He's currently on a gap year due to wishing to travel. It soon became apparent he was expecting me to foot the bill for the travel plans. He's made no effort to look for another job. In fact, he's only had the last two jobs because I've found them both online for him.

I work full time, I'm a single mum to him and his younger brother of whom I have full time also. He walks his brother to school for me 3 days a week, the school is less than 4 minutes away and we can physically see it outside our house, and picks him up once a week. His current work schedule is he's worked 2 days since Christmas. He refuses to cook himself any meals, to the point the past two days I've deliberately not made him food to encourage him to cook for himself. Yesterday he went out in the day and ate nothing from 2pm onwards, the day before he warmed up a beef sandwich he got from a party the night before. I've just had covid too, so am not feeling my best but he still refuses to do anything for himself.

When I approach him, he basically thinks because he walks a couple of hundred yards to school a few times a week, while I go off to work for 9 hours, I should be grateful and he shouldn't really need to do anything else. He will leave his washing on the floor next to the washer, or on the kitchen counter tops before simply removing clothes out of the washing machine that I've put in before work, even if they're his. He has gradually gotten worse over time, no matter how many times he is told. I've cut down on his washing and cleaning his pots, only to have him wear dirty clothes and leave pots for days. It's to the point I can't wait for him to eventually go to university, so I don't have an adult baby to clean up after.

The travel plans have become very quiet, since I made it clear that I wasn't going to pay for everything. He was paying £20 a week keep, this has stopped since Christmas however, because he hasn't been working. He's been spending his savings on takeaway food and clothes, money put aside for travel and university. I did offer to book him a couple of weekends away but really am reconsidering this, due to his attitude. He won't even sit in the same room as myself and his brother. If he does, he hardly speaks to me and constantly tells his brother off. He constantly causes an atmosphere. It's so upsetting because with friends and family he's so cheery and nice.

I really am at the end of my tether with him. I work 45 hours a week, come home to pots, washing, dirty bathroom, unmade bed and things all over his room, stuff left in the living room, bins used and unemptied. I then spend my weekend cleaning, just for it all to start again on Monday. I feel like a right moaning mini but I'm honestly exhausted. It doesn't matter how ill I am, or busy I may be, he will not help or pull his weight. Does anyone else have an adult baby or just me?

Just another misogynist slob ready to go out in to the world, then. Did he ever function? Did he ever respect women and see them as equals rather than his personal staff?

@C00k he did actually. He was a lovely, kind, sweet boy. Until he got to about 15. Sincerely hope he has a better attitude towards a boyfriend when he eventually gets one.

Ugh that sounds so irritating op!

How is he creating dirty pots while not even cooking?

It's tricky as he's an adult...but not really, so he has access to savings but isn't using them in the way you'd like.

I think he needs to get a job more than he needs to cook, so I'd focus on that. Him walking his brother to school is a nice favour but since he isn't paying anything towards his keep or doing any housework, it's the least he can do!

I don't know the answer as you can't realistically kick him out, but you need to find a way to motivate him to get a job, save some money and hopefully he'll be a bit more grown up by the time he finally makes it to uni!

I did a gap year btw, so not judging that. I did work though in a shop and then went travelling

Please do not give him any money for travelling!!! I can’t believe you would consider it given what you have said.

Tell him to move out because of everything you have said here.

He is majorly taking the piss and needs to grow up. I thought my dd18 was bad but she’s not a tough on him

How annoying. He's wasting his gap year.
Keep on refusing to baby him. Don't do his laundry and only cook meals to eat as a family - if he refuses to help clean up afterwards I would probably say you won't cook any further meals at all for him. If he doesn't contribute to the family home he can look after himself. Return dirty clothes to his room, ditto any rubbish left lying around.et him wear dirty clothes!
He will need these life skills for university. Tough love is needed!

He probable thought working would be easy and he have lots cash and have a great life style. Now he knows what work is like and that nights shift is easily spent on a take away and not much else.

Perfctly fair to have jobs in place each day that he does especially when he’s not paying any keep. Maybe having a plan so he can see if he pulls his finger out he can go travelling? Look at prices agree and dates, what he needs to earn by when is more motivating. Especially if you can agree to pay towards to if he also changes attitude and pulls his weight. He’s wasted 5m out of this gap year already it’s not to late but he has to put some effort in.

@WilhelminaBunter because he does drink during the day. He loves costa coffees so I come home to a sink full of used coffee cups, pods left over the counter, milk bottles left in the sink unwashed.

I do think he needs to be actually eating, instead of starving himself because he's too lazy to cook.

@Bringonthesunforthewashing It was always the plan to help him with travel costs, until he became the person he's become.

I have a couple of thousand pound put away for that. He won't be having it now though. If he would help and be the well rounded person I've demonstrated, he could have it happily. Not now though.

I noticed a server change when he reached around year 10 in secondary school. Lost count of the times I've discussed it with him, checked him for it. Argued with him about it. Literally goes in one ear and out the other. Like smacking my head in a wall all the time.

Thanks all but I've done all that. They are obvious courses of action and I've done it many times. It's to the point now I refuse to do absolutely anything for him. He's almost 19 and is more difficult and messy now than he was at 13.

How do you plan to get your younger one to and from the school bus if your Son does (unlikely) go travelling and when (unlikely) go to uni ? Whatever your plan is implement it now and tell your son he has 2 choices, function as the adult he is by getting a job that covers his bills clears up after himself and does set chores or moves out.

I stopped pandering to my son’s dietary requirements the day after he finished his A levels. If he didn’t like what me and his Dad were eating he had to do his own. There was always meat in the freezer and money in the kitchen pot to buy in from the Lidl and Aldi 10 minutes away. He soon learnt how to cook out of desperation as he’s a big meat eater and we aren’t. He was not impressed at the time and sometimes mentioned he wasn’t even 18 yet however, he was so grateful in the end as he went off to Uni 3 weeks after turning 18 and he knew how to cook, shop and plan his meals. Desperation will drive your son to cook. Don’t feel guilty.

100% this.

Honestly my BIL is exactly like this, he’s 5 years older than my husband and I’ve always been baffled by how different the two of them are, the only difference being that my husband even when he lived at home had to do his own washing, cooking etc & contributed towards the household expenses from his very first wage, whereas BIL being older has basically just been allowed to laze around and do nothing. My in laws have been threatening BIL with various things over this for years- saying they won’t cook for him anymore, won’t wash his clothes anymore, will kick him out etc. But because they’ve been throwing out these threats for the best part of a decade now they have zero impact, the result being BIL is 30 and still living at home, contributing nothing, in & out of jobs as he never had to grow up because he was never in a position where no money = no food, no heating, no hot water. No money just means no pub on a Saturday night!

Honestly you’re doing him no favours by letting him behave like this, get firm and quick.

@MrsMarzetti I will have to reduce my working hours, something I cannot financially afford to do whilst my eldest is still at home.

@Mrsttcno1 unfortunately I am not allowing him. In fact it is quite the opposite. The only reason I wash pots is because there are eventually no pots for myself and younger son to use. Also, the mould that gets on the pots he leaves stinks and is unhygienic. The rest I leave him to now. Doesn't really bother him though. He'll go to work with his clothes smelling of BO, even if I tell him he stinks.

You have follow through with consequences or else they're pointless.
You have to wash the pots, but step away from the laundry entirely. Let him go to work smelly. These are natural consequences. Stop enabling him.

Does he actually have a university place waiting for him? Could he start doing work towards whatever he is going to be studying. Does he actually WANT to go to university?
He sounds a mix of lazy, unhappy and lost.
If he hasn't travelled (as planned - even if that planning was just in his head) and he isn't at university he is stuck in this limbo place where he probably doesn't know what to do.
What's the job he has? Does he actually enjoy it? Being stuck in a job you hate can put you into a bad mindset you can't always get out of.
Does he have any hobbies he could get involved with to get him more motivated and enjoying life.

@Beamur i don't do his washing.

@Needmorelego love his job and suits his personality extremely well! It is a massive extension of his personality. He's extremely stubborn however, part of the reason he was let go from his other job.

He does have a place and he has signed up to a short course in the meantime. Those things are not the issue. It's the way he is at home that's extremely upsetting. I've even made a rota for us both, doesn't bother with it. If I'm not well and slack in the housework for a day or two, I seem to know about it for weeks after. It's almost like I'm punished for being ill. He will deliberately be more difficult and snappy. Takes full advantage when I'm not quite myself. It's actually really upsetting. Especially since he used to be my best mate and the loveliest boy I could wish for.

I've fully supported him through everything I can in life, he came out very young and we handled it together. Then decided he may want to become transgender but decided actually no. I've paid for extra tuition and hobbies, always done my best to still make time for days just me and him after having his brother.

I've basically just done everything I can to always treat him the best I can, something I didn't receive as a kid off my parents and still don't. Drummed into him the meaning of respect and fairness. Always had his teachers comment about how kind he was and caring. Just seems to have strolled along a dark path and stayed there. It really does hurt to see it.

Hi, just wanted to send virtual support to you. I, and many other mothers, completely understand. You are not alone.

Makes you wonder about the true reason nomadic communities put their 14 and 15 year old young men through some obscure and slightly frightening ‘become a man’ ritual, eh? ‘Here, stand one-legged on this 10 ft pole holding a tarantula and that’ll teach you to give it all the back-chat’

In addition to the usual teenage pushing of boundaries I also think this is due to media and societal norms. He will have friends whose mothers will be fawning over them, giving them money and assisting with party and travel plans. Young people compare themselves to their peers and feel jealous about this. The other thing is what they see on tiktok etc. This I think mainly affects young women but there is a constant portrayal of young people living a glamorous, WFH, nomadic life. They don’t realise it’s not real and these people, behind the scenes, only earn about 1p an hour and have to take a second job as a waiter.

We have 4 between us. As each one turned 15 they all momentarily developed an attitude. Each time, my OH had to assert his authority in a ‘don’t mess with me’ kind of way. It was like some kind of man thing. I am grateful to him for doing this. It’s like it caused them all to re-set and realise they were not men yet. So they realised they were still further down the pecking order.

Is there a male relative that could do this for you? Or any other relative or friend who can back you up? That lad of yours needs a big ticking off and it needs to come from someone other than you because he sees you as the nagger!

The other thing that can improve the situation is getting a girlfriend or wanting to get a girlfriend. It causes them to wear clean clothes and tidy their rooms.

@HFJ thank you for that I appreciate it.

Unfortunately his dad works away and has very little input. He started a new family when we separated, so he has mostly been busy with either work or his other family. My own dad is more of a bully type, rather than an assertive type. We are in short stock of male role models I suppose.

He definitely does look down on me, be it as the nagger or anything else. I began to notice this as he got older during secondary school. I do think many of your points regarding social media, peers etc have a massive impact and fully agree. Our reality is I'm a single mum of two, whilst we do ok and don't go without, it isn't the same as coming from a two income household.

He's gay so doesn't seek a girlfriend. Oddly, he is very up on skincare etc, just the washing clothes aspects is what causes a massive problem. He'll self care all day long, just won't clean his own mess! Proves to me his behaviour is a choice, not something he is unaware of.

It sounds like your son hasn't had the easiest time growing up. It also sounds like you have tried many tactics already!
There probably isn't a magic bit of advice anyone can offer to solve this - I would hazard your son is feeling a bit adrift in life and still trying to work out what he wants. A mixture of being a bit selfish and not that happy in himself perhaps - this, neglecting his self care, pushing the boundaries with you but unwilling/unable to see his own part of how to improve the situation.
It will pass and hopefully he will find a bit more focus.
You say you have some money put aside - I have 2 suggestions.

1. Give it to him. But has to be spent on travel not takeaways.
2. Offer to match fund his financial input to a trip - either from savings or work.

Maybe a change of scene will do him good and shake him out of the rut and it would give you a break from this negative cycle at home? University will come round in a few months and he'll be off.

Sorry - cross posted. You say he does look after his appearance but not his environment. I think accepting a degree of squalor whilst being very particular about looks is a curious one - not unusual I think, but agree, he doesn't value his home environment.
My DSD could be a bit like this, always quite well presented but her room was a tip. Once she had her own space she was, and remains, very different. She's still not mad about cleaning but her home is tidy and cosy.

Two of my children were a bit like yours. Personally I told them that if they want hotel service they can pay hotel prices. One co formed, but the other called my bluff, but then he realised he didn't have any money left and was living like a hermit, so relented after two months. If you are doing everything for him make him pay for it.

I have a dd the same age, also on a gap year.

For comparison, she doesn't pay any keep (I wouldn't want her to), but she does cook for all of us a couple of times a week - she offered, we didn't ask, and she is happy because she wants to improve her coming skills before uni. She obviously sorts her own meals when we're out and clears up after herself etc.

She also chips in with the housework e.g. running the hoover round, wiping surfaces, clearing the kitchen table etc. She doesn't do any of the horrible jobs like cleaning the bathroom or cleaning the oven, but to be fair, we've never asked her to...I think she probably would do stuff if asked.

I have adhd and find it difficult to get started with housework and stuff - she is also awaiting diagnosis and understands me better than anyone, so she is very supportive in coaching me to get stuff done. Helpful and encouraging but never critical.

She works - pretty much full time equivalent hours though she is self employed and her hours are very flexible. She also volunteers in several places (around 9-10 hours per week in total). She is planning a few trips this year which she will pay for from her own earnings, though I'm paying for one that we will do together. She offered to contribute to the cost of that one as well, but I declined. She is definitely conscious of the fact that she is now an adult and she doesn't want to seem entitled.

DD's boyfriend is at uni but when he's home, he also cooks for his family a few nights each week and chips in with the housework without being asked. (I have this on good authority from his mum as well as from dd!) DD often says that she would have no respect for a boyfriend who expected his mum to look after him at this age!! He also works and generally pays his way for stuff, definitely wouldn't expect his parents to fund trips etc.

Honestly, I think your ds is taking the piss, but I'm not sure what you can do about it, other than trying to get him to see stuff from your perspective. Definitely agree that you shouldn't be funding any of his travel plans! Hopefully he is just a bit immature and lacking in self awareness, and this will get better over time?

Have you had a really honest conversation with him about how you feel, OP? Would that work?

It is perhaps the case that your son feels a bit direction/goal-less at the moment. The gap year can be a good idea but might also be a massive red flag saying ‘I’ve not got the energy and wherewithall right now to plot a route to true adulthood’. This phenomenon goes hand in hand with the refusal to take on adult responsibilities of washing, cooking and cleaning. Even in young people not going on to further education, this attitude manifests in an ‘I just want to live my best life’ choice of low-level, part-time jobs that maintains the status quo: living at home without a worry in the world, going out with mates and buying crap off Asos.

We had the above situation with one of hours. The route out was a Big Chat illustrating to him just how much he could save while at home and what the possibilities were for purchasing a place of his own. Once his eyes were opened, he suddenly had a goal. His father matched the saving for a while, as an initial incentive and once this lad’s savings climbed into 5 figures, he owned the goal and was spurred on.

@Beamur thanks for the suggestions. He won't be getting any money from me until he shows respect for myself, his brother and our home. I pray it is just a phrase. Don't mind mess so much, can't stand unclean environments though.

@DRS1970 I don't do anything for him anymore, so not sure how else to test him apart from all the obvious things I've done.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves thanks for those comparisons. Had so, so, so, so, sooooooooooooooo many discussions (heated and not so heated) with him time and time again, I'm now blue, green, purple in the face. Nods. Agrees. Continues. Even seen me have mental health issues due to stress and over worked. Made him even more reluctant to help.

@HFJ he is due to undergo a short course soon. He actually writes in his spare time, wants to become a travel journalist and an author. It really is just the adult stuff he refuses to participate in.

He was an only child for quite some time, so the focus was solely on him. I am beginning to wonder if this regression is part of him trying to take back the full focus of attention, now his little brother is older. I do feel like he may be a person who will always seek more. Even if he had a palace full of grandeur and servants.

Maybe in time, when he has had no choice but to become fully submerged into adult life he may give me a break, realising I am just one human doing my best to keep everyone fed, watered and safe. Until then, I really feel like there's more of this to come.

Could you talk to his dad and get him to talk to him about being more responsible and working more? I know not everyone's ex's will step up but a man to man talk might help you out and your ex owes you a break it seems