18 y/o refuses to cook for himself

[Helloisitmeyourelookingforxo]

Or do anything else for that matter. He has a part time job, he did have a second one but was let go after Christmas. He's currently on a gap year due to wishing to travel. It soon became apparent he was expecting me to foot the bill for the travel plans. He's made no effort to look for another job. In fact, he's only had the last two jobs because I've found them both online for him.

I work full time, I'm a single mum to him and his younger brother of whom I have full time also. He walks his brother to school for me 3 days a week, the school is less than 4 minutes away and we can physically see it outside our house, and picks him up once a week. His current work schedule is he's worked 2 days since Christmas. He refuses to cook himself any meals, to the point the past two days I've deliberately not made him food to encourage him to cook for himself. Yesterday he went out in the day and ate nothing from 2pm onwards, the day before he warmed up a beef sandwich he got from a party the night before. I've just had covid too, so am not feeling my best but he still refuses to do anything for himself.

When I approach him, he basically thinks because he walks a couple of hundred yards to school a few times a week, while I go off to work for 9 hours, I should be grateful and he shouldn't really need to do anything else. He will leave his washing on the floor next to the washer, or on the kitchen counter tops before simply removing clothes out of the washing machine that I've put in before work, even if they're his. He has gradually gotten worse over time, no matter how many times he is told. I've cut down on his washing and cleaning his pots, only to have him wear dirty clothes and leave pots for days. It's to the point I can't wait for him to eventually go to university, so I don't have an adult baby to clean up after.

The travel plans have become very quiet, since I made it clear that I wasn't going to pay for everything. He was paying £20 a week keep, this has stopped since Christmas however, because he hasn't been working. He's been spending his savings on takeaway food and clothes, money put aside for travel and university. I did offer to book him a couple of weekends away but really am reconsidering this, due to his attitude. He won't even sit in the same room as myself and his brother. If he does, he hardly speaks to me and constantly tells his brother off. He constantly causes an atmosphere. It's so upsetting because with friends and family he's so cheery and nice.

I really am at the end of my tether with him. I work 45 hours a week, come home to pots, washing, dirty bathroom, unmade bed and things all over his room, stuff left in the living room, bins used and unemptied. I then spend my weekend cleaning, just for it all to start again on Monday. I feel like a right moaning mini but I'm honestly exhausted. It doesn't matter how ill I am, or busy I may be, he will not help or pull his weight. Does anyone else have an adult baby or just me?

Does he have ADHD?

I think if you partner him on the household tasks you'll get a better response.

You'll get a very poor response if you try to make him 'mother' you, and you go all victim about what a terrible life you have, so over worked, etc, after all I did for you this is the thanks I get.

As a teenager he MUST separate from his mother in order to become an adult.
Therefore he will be 'rejecting' your attempts to get sympathy for yourself from him.

Your attempts to get information and closeness from him about his life are being experienced as being intrusive.
Again because he needs to get his own life.

I think you are worried about him going to university because you'll miss him desperately and that's constantly hanging over you.

Is there a part of you is angry at him for abandoning you and becoming an adult? So the retaliation is 'there you better start acting like a grown up if you aren't going to be my lovely baby anymore'.

@bobomomo he's not very close to his dad. It really has just been us mostly. His dad did attempt to speak to him once, as he was asking him for money all the time however, the conversation ended up in a screaming match between them both.

@Seaweed42 no he doesn't. I work with young people on the spectrum etc, so I'm confident he is pretty much ok in regards to anything underlying.

I feel your response is a little disproportionate but I'm aware it is a public platform for all to place all kinds of speculation. Thanks for your comment.

Also you are absolutely allowed to tell your adult children they're making your life unnecessary hard, without seeking sympathy. Part of being an adult is hearing how your negative behaviour impacts on those around you. Myself and my younger son should not be made to live in squalor and afraid to speak in our own home, saves upsetting someone who regards us as beneath them. That is how we are treated on a daily basis.

It sounds very frustrating, OP, and like your attempts to talk to him are just not getting through. Not sure what you can do in this scenario, other than counting down the days before he goes off to uni... and even then, he'll be back for the holidays!

I think you've just got to hope that this is some kind of weird teen self-centred phase that makes him incapable of caring about how his behaviour affects others, but that he'll pass through it in time and become a reasonable human being again. I think some teens do go through a very self centred stage. And it sounds like you had a fundamentally good relationship with him when he was younger so there is a good foundation for you to build on. Might be just a case of gritting your teeth and getting through it for the next few months, while continuing to remind him of your expectations and avoiding anything that facilitates his bad behaviour!

When I was his age and lived at home I only worked part time. My parents (both working fulltime) didn't take any money for keep off me but I did do nearly all the housework and cooking in lieu of paying them and I felt like I was getting a good deal! I also learned a lot about running a home and cooking which made living on my own a lot easier when I did move out to go to university.

I think every parent needs this approach.

Wow! Projecting much?

This is very true.

It sounds absolutely horrible for you and younger son OP. We tried the not doing things for teenage DC and it didn’t work, just lived in squalor and had to fumigate room when left for uni. Came back for summer after first year like a different human being, respectful, kind and more contributing. Hormones? Hopefully not anything sinister like drugs, drink, social problems? It’s so hard to know what to do but would it be impossible for you both to sit down and chat together about how to move forward? He doesn’t sound very happy but shouldn’t be allowed to make you feel like this in your own home. Sending 🌺

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the support and suggestions on this thread. Although I don't enjoy hearing similar scenarios from others, it does ease my mind knowing others have been through similar situations.

Maybe I've overdone things for him, trying to give him a kinder life than I had. For a long time, he was the most wonderful boy. Now however, he really does see us as beneath him. Very frustrating, especially when he expects to be fetched and carried for.

I hope this regressive stage we're in is a phase sent to test us; I hope in time he will become the kind, loving lad he once was. I can remember when I was pregnant, he used to make me fruit salad for breakfast (stalks and all) but it was done out of care and was too cute. I used to make him fruit salads for breakfast when he'd been ill, so he was doing what he'd been shown. I know it's all in there somewhere. Looks like it's a sit and wait game.

Thank you all 💛

This must be so, so frustrating for you. My DS had a gap year last year. We didn't take any board but then we are both earning and not starving. The understanding was that he saved for Uni and travelling.

Will he be living at home or away when he's at Uni? Have you looked up how much he will be entitled to borrow and if there are any bursaries available at the Uni?

Does he still want to do the courses he's applied for it is he having second thoughts?

I'd be tempted to take him for a coffee, if you can without DC2 being there and talk to him about how helpful travelling will be for his future career and where he's planning to go and what he's planning to do, be encouraging and then talk about how he is going to finance it.

If he works for somewhere like Tesco, they pay around £11 an hour at his age. He'd be getting around £1500 a month take home pay, he could save a fair chunk of that if he was to go travelling in the Summer.

Hi, I definitely feel your pain. My son has been like this since he was 15. He's just turned 20, and only now, is slowly showing some signs of maturity. We still have a long way to go, but he's finally starting to understand why he needs to help. I gradually add things that he needs to do himself, and while there's always resistance at first, he eventually does them without being nagged.
We've had screaming matches when my frustration has sent me over the edge, but I feel like something has switched in him.
I hope this happens for you too! It's really really hard as a single mum.

He would be one stinking and hungry 18 year old if he lived in my house.

OP, since you’re the one who finds jobs for him, make his next job an apprenticeship in the Merchant Navy and get him out of the house so that he can travel the world and fend for himself at the same time:

https://www.clydemarinetraining.com/merchant-navy-careers/?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAC1hLsFTAnkbtCzqgjwoeqWfHsDHg&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIr6KQx4qnhwMVYJRQBh0Qlg4BEAAYAiAAEgK1AfD_BwE

Tell him from me (and most other published authors) that we need reliable day jobs in order to finance our writing - even when we are successful. It's not a job that lends itself to wallowing around in shit - you need to be TWICE as organised in order to fit the writing in around a day job.

I have no other advice to offer. All my kids were total and utter slobs who refused to do a hand's turn in the house until they left and went to Uni, when sharing with people who were even MORE undomesticated than they were made them swiftly change their minds about how bearable squalor truly is. You may find he grows up an awful lot when he leaves home.

He sounds depressed OP. What a shame he is wasting his time at age 18. Can you get him to open up - maybe get counselling for him?