Anyone else slightly sad that the empty nest looks very distant?

[CharlotteRumpling]

I hope I don't get slaughtered for this, but thanks to climbing London rents and stagnant wages, it looks likely that one or the other of my adult children will be living with me for the foreseeable future. I guess many of us have the same issue, and I feel a bit bad moaning about it when I read that others have terrible empty nest syndrome.

DS is in a London uni and was living in a shared house nearby, so I didn't miss him as much, but he will be moving back in next year, as rents are climbing by the day, and landlords rapacious. We are in quite a small London house, and sometimes I just want my own space in menopause! Especially as I WFH ( no choice) DH WFH most days ( he does have a choice but prefers it).

DD may move back in too if she doesn't get a graduate job that pays enough.

Well me and my 3 siblings all stayed home till middle twenties till we got partners and had families of our own. Loved it my parents became my best friends. We all respected each others privacy and made sure mum n dad had there time still.

This is really interesting to read. When I graduated I lived with c. 5 friends in one house, as did most people I knew. Is even this model unaffordable now?

OP if you have any sort of garden at all could you look into getting one of those garden cabins built?

It would give you an extra work from home space (or even a separate space to use as a spare bedroom or hangout room for the kids if you insulate it properly). Much cheaper than converting the attic.

My neighbour built one a while ago and he works permanently from it.

Mine are both in their 20s, eldest was away for a good few years but came back last year due to a relationship ending. Youngest has never been away (apprentice wages) and I have to admit I love having my adult chicks all in the nest!
Fortunately we have a pretty big house, they’re upstairs ans were downstairs os we don’t trip over each other, but yep, loving it!

Our house is pretty small for four adults (often 5, as DD's boyfriend is here a lot when she is here).
One bathroom, one toilet; it's a pain.
DP works from home usually 2-3 days a week, one adult child is likely to return home from uni town just as the other one heads off. I too was looking forward to some peace but I don't think I'm going to get it. It's just too expensive for them to live independently in London.

I’d rather mine paid
me a bit of housekeeping money and saved the rest for a deposit than paid it over to a landlord. We have quite a bit of space though ; might feel different if we didn’t have two sitting rooms

A room in a shared house in London starts from about £800/month plus bills, so a very big chunk of most new grads' starting salaries.

I've one dd so I wouldn't mind if she lived here for uni or moved back in.
I lived at home for uni (apart from 1 year where I moved out- 4 year course). I didn't move out properly until I was 23.

I can understand that. I don't have kids myself, but I look back to when my generation fled the nest. I moved out at 19 and bought a flat with my now ex. It's scary to think I've now lived away from home for longer than I actually lived at home! I like my own space too, so I think I'd struggle knowing that kids are at home for a good 10+ years more than they used to be!

My DH didn't move out until he was 28, which was actually quite late for people our age (think his DM made it too comfortable for him!). Everyone else I knew moved out by 25 at the latest.

Nowadays, I work with people that are mostly younger than me. The only ones that have their own places are over 40. The rest of the team are under 30 and all of them still live at home, with only one of them planning and actively saving to move out any time soon.

We're in the London suburbs where you won't get much change out of £300k for a 1 bed flat. One of my old team members bought a flat with his girlfriend for £350k. They sacrificed any social life or holidays for 3 years to save a big enough deposit together.

It's so, so difficult nowadays.

I have thought of downsizing so this going back home will not work. I guess I would have to pay for part of the rent or their rent for a couple of years. Although my children are dreaming of their own space for ages. Bless hopefully they can but see that most are struggling.

Me.
We're all trying to make the best of it.
Their father buggered off so it's them and me.
I am NEVER alone.

And I can't afford to retire as I can't afford to downsize and effectively make my adult kids homeless so I'll be carrying on working to support my adult kids.

Not only London,

My dd1 has just moved back (after doing a degree at Glasgow School of Art and looking for a design job) in with her partner of 5+ years as they're hoping to buy a flat but the market in Glasgow isn't good and they sadly got evicted by a landlord wanting to move back into her flat.

Ds is living in uni accommodation and studying to become a nurse. I'm not convinced that he'll ever come back.

Dd2 is only 20 but graduated with an HND in beauty therapy this year and has a great job in a hotel spa. She has a degenerative hip problem and is waiting for a hip replacement (yes, really at age 20) so is living at home until that happens and she can go full time.

Yes, we can’t wait to have the house to ourselves. I like my own space & I think adult children need to stand on their own two feet. I don’t want adult babies who never leave home!

Wasn't expecting so many replies, and relatively nice ones! Was expecting to be tarred and feathered.

Can't reply to every question, but DC are 19 and 22. DD could probably move out of London, but DS may find it tough as he wants to work in the City.

It's really odd because we are Asian and in theory should be used to multi-generational living, but I left home at 21. Couldn't wait to leave though my mum would have liked me to stay until I was safely married!

I was really glad when DS went into halls and then shared a flat with 2 others, because he learnt how to be independent. I didn't want to raise a useless Asian man, as so many are, but he now cooks, cleans, does his own laundry, DIY etc. He's promised to continue that when he returns, and tbh, he usually keeps his promise when he visits. ( my god, he eats a lot though!). Really odd that much of London is now turning Asian. 😁

I won't be allowing any boyfriends or girlfriends! DH has been moaning about going back to the office, but he has agreed to go in at least 3 times a week when spring comes. Going to insist on that too. I already WFH from the library once or twice a week, so will carry on doing that. Grateful we have two loos.

I do agree with the posters who say that it is better for them to save rent for a deposit rather than turn it over to greedy landlords. Just have to make some rules.

I guess this is the price to pay for living in London, and tbh, I don't really want to leave right now as everything I love is here. It is what it is.

We just did the same for our two 18yos, we are also in our early 40s. We upsized to give as much room as we could afford for four adults. They will both go to Uni, but will be welcome to live here as long as they need to give them a solid base whilst they navigate the world as it is now.

I moved out of home when I was 17 and it is really important to me to be able to provide this springboard for them. They might not need it, but at least the option is there.

Mixed feelings but very glad that we moved in 2015 into a house with decent communal space downstairs and 2 bathrooms
At that time we could not have predicted COVID. Or that for most young people it would become crackers to move into shared flat/hmo rather than stay put and save for mortgage deposit
our oldest is 20 and she’s staying put and saving
even if she could afford it it’s not sensible to pay 700-1000 per month rent which is the sad reality in many areas

This is my plan too. Not make it possible for them to live at home post Uni but instead to make some money available to help with rent or towards a house deposit. I understand everyone has different family dynamics but I am not prepared to live long term with 4 grown adults in the same house.

I have just had 2 uni kids home for the Christmas holidays and my goodness it is nice ot have the house back again! I still have one teen at home. We have enough space, it is just a lot having 5 adult sin the house.

I think it is so different to having kids at home. With kids you are in charge, you can make the rules, but with adult kids it is much more subtle. And you are trying to build a new adult relationship with them.

I don't think ds will move back here, but wouldn't be surprised if no. 2 does, and I know no.3 is going to boomerang for a few years (ND and so slower to be independent)

DS has had a long term GF now so they plan to move in together so everything is shared cost wise. If they have a partner in the future this could happen. He has managed to save a lot over the last 4 years. He pays us rent thats covers his food and probably extra power from washing and showering. I like having him around but appreciate he needs to spread his wings.

I have this. Ds1 who is mid Uni, was asking about eventually coming back to stay and commuting into London for Job, so could add to his savings, to make a house deposit. I don't mind him coming back, but for how many years? Many? 5?

I have two adult sons (32 and 37) living at home, the youngest has ASD and the older one has moved back home after he got into financial difficulties and wants to save up for a deposit on a house. I love it because my grandchildren stay every other weekend and I want to support him as much as I can because he’s in a new relationship and she’s a lovely girl who he is very much in love with. My youngest is less keen because of the extra chaos but we are muddling through as best we can.

Went on to the other long running thread with posters who are absolutely suffering with the empty nest and quiet husbands. Wow. We are all so different. Maybe we could do a swop!

I suppose if people prefer house deposits saved rather than flat share it’s to be expected

I would love an empty nest, to be honest. We only have DS19 left, but he's really quite an unpleasant and awkward person to live with. He is aggrieved at being treated like a child, and asked to do us the courtesy of letting us know if he will be home for tea/the night. We don't know where he is for days at a time - but we are left wondering whether we can put the chain on the door, or if he'll stumble in during the early hours. Texts and phone calls are ignored and not answered. A request for 'will you be home tonight?' generally gets an arsey, 'For Fuck's sake Mum? What is wrong with you? I don't KNOW ok?'

If he does arrive home to find us eating tea I get a sarcastic, 'Oh great, you didn't bother cook for me?' - ignoring the fact that he hasn't contacted us and we'd assumed he wouldn't be home. Cooking for him often means he doesn't fancy it and it will be scraped into the bin. He doesn't pay rent - he did, but he's on zero hours contract in a seasonal job and currently doesn't have any money (although he seems to find money for running a car and socialising)

His older siblings (all working and in their own rented/owned homes) keep telling me, 'Chuck him out!' which I would frankly love to do - but how can I put my own child on the streets? He's an arsehole to live with, but he doesn't have any money to put a roof over his own head, so I feel stuck with living with someone who's just rude and inconsiderate and a bit of a twat to me when he's here. He does not appear to have any plans for the future, or for work or getting qualifications. He is aggressive and says 'there aren't any jobs!' if pressed and I have to bite my tongue from pointing out that he dropped out of education without any qualifications.