Empty nest grief can't stop crying

[longpathtohappiness]

Just that really, really hit me today

Sending a hug @longpathtohappiness it’s really hard isn’t it? It’s like any grief really in the end you get used to the new status quo. It’s a while since my boys flew my nest and I do see and speak to them fairly frequently but not as often as I’d like. They have their own families now and I’m glad they are happy, I have two lovely daughters in law and four grandchildren too. Life evolves your desperate ache will ease and new joys await you. X

@longpathtohappiness Yes can relate. My youngest is still here but never see her much due to Uni and her partner and her life. It’s very hard isn’t it. My husband seems pleased he’s got more time to do nothing productive!

My husband seems pleased he’s got more time to do nothing productive!

I've got the youngest here but that that's pretty much how DH is here!

@longpathtohappiness feeling your pain- I feel exactly the same

Give yourself time, it does get easier.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson

How much time, it hurts so much

I think its like asking how long is a piece of string.

Time does help everything, i found this out when i lost my parents. But My God, it takes a long time to realise this.

I'll be in the same position as you in a few months @longpathtohappiness and I'm absolutely dreading it. Dh is momentarily pensive then just gets on with it. Oh to think like a man!!

I have no great wisdom, just to say hi from a fellow mum, and be kind to yourself x

@longpathtohappiness you do sound a bit lost. Are you working and does that distract you? Do you have anything planned to look forward to?

I think you need to fill your time with things for you. Maybe you can volunteer. Join a club or two. Things will ease off quicker if your busy. And what a great example to set your adult kids.

DD is in her first year at uni and I miss her terribly. However, I refuse to crumble because it's important she sees me as a strong woman with a life of her own. Just as I was for the decades I was before I became her mum.

I don't have a career as such but a job I enjoy and I've increased my hours to help with uni costs. I'm trying to walk and exercise more. Plan some holidays that don't revolve around a teen. Read, listen to audio books and podcasts.

When DD comes home or I visit her at uni I want us to enjoy our time together, have lots to chat about.

The happiest years of my life were raising her but I refuse not to look forward with hope because I'm a person in my own right.

I think being sad is fine. I think it being hard at first is fine.

But describing it as painful and ‘it hurts so much’ seems like yours is really intense.

How long since they moved out? Is there anything else going on?

I think like all of these things the answer is probably somewhere along the lines of, keep yourself busy, thrust yourself into something fulfilling, but also acknowledge how you are feeling, but try not to wallow??
I am not there yet, but I know I will also find this hard when the time comes.

Keep myself busy with what though!! I'm cleaning the house like a mad woman at the moment (for something to do!!)

Well that's hard to say without knowing you really.
Work - perhaps this could be the time to go for a big step up?
Hobbies - join a club, running, walking, craft? Something you can do in the house?
Holidays/travel - are you single or in a couple? Plan a big trip?
I don't know enough about your other commitments, finances or your age etc.

While I have every sympathy, if you are trying to fill the gap with cleaning the house no wonder you are struggling!

Do you work? If not, that would be most obvious step.

What about things you'd like to do but not had time? Make a list and plan how you'll do them.

Take pride and independence in your own time and spend it wisely.

Agree that it's hard to advise without knowing more about you or your circumstances.

I've found that since DC1 has gone to Uni I have so much more time on my hands.

Some things that I've been doing are:

Redecorating a room

Making a list of books that I've always wanted to read

Baking

Trying a new recipe once a week

Walking the dog

Spending more time with friends and family.

Me and DH try and set some time each day aside for housework/life admin then some for exercise and some time for a hobby.

If you don't have any hobbies now, have you got any that you've always wanted to try or did when you were younger and enjoyed?

Forgot that I'm also, rather badly, trying to learn a new language as well.

Baking and walking the dog ticked off

Its hard to find things to do to fill your time. It depends on so many things. Money most of all, then access to your own car to get to stuff. Then actually deciding what to do and sussing out how to do it. And hope you don't go along and feel out of place.

If you've always kept up hobbies and friends and things to do during the child raising years you must have had money available and ready babysitting available. So the empty nest will be less daunting to you and you probably have a list as long as your arm of things you want to do.

But if money has always been tight and you never had any babysitters to let you get a bit of time to yourself....in other words, lived round your kids for years...this next stage is really really daunting.

And figuring out how to fill your time when you're so used to not having any and you don't really want to do much anyway is just hard.

I hear you OP. It's really hard. I constantly feel something is missing.

My last of 3 DC left home 2 yrs ago and I still cry now and then. I'd give anything to have them little again. I had three under 4 but I knew where they were and was able to keep them safe and enjoy them every day. I have filled my life with more things for me and DH but, mostly, we've just transferred all the love and nurturing into our dogs! I promise it eases.

Oh yes, our DDog is definitely getting more attention. She's currently snoozing on the sofa with DH

I hope this doesn’t sound insensitive, I don’t mean it to but you say you don't
know what to fill your time with. What did you do when your DC was at home. I assume you didn’t spend every spare minute dedicated to them? I still have one DC left at home but we barely see him and I’ve got loads of spare time.

I appreciate them being gone leaves a big void but does it make much difference to your day to day routine?

I have a son who may never be independent. That is also bittersweet. I love that he is still here aged 23, and I wish that he was able to spread his wings.

Want to swap?

We have no cups or plates, piles of washing that is mainly clean anyway as putting it in drawers is ‘effort’ walking the dog they all wanted? Nope.

Seriously - sleep - enjoy your clean house! Find friends and have a blast!