Empty nest grief can't stop crying

[longpathtohappiness]

Just that really, really hit me today

I get it. My eldest went to uni this year and I've found it harder than I thought I would. I've always had my own hobbies and interests, a social life, me and Dh have always made time for each other and I've been busy trying to progress in my career too. I still felt very low when she went back after Christmas.

It's not just the missing her, it's the feeling that this is the beginning of the end of parenting that I think is hard. We'll get there I'm sure op but it takes time to settle into a new phase of life. Raising children is such a significant part of our lives, it's so consuming, I think it's ok to take time to adjust.

Totally understand. Our youngest is still at home and although she doesn't take much of our time as she used to, I think it will be a long time before she will be able to leave although saying that, she has made remarkable progress this year. This time last year I thought that she may never be able to leave.

I hear you.

Seems fairly taboo in most circumstances to admit you want your offspring to leave home though. I love my adult DC to bits and enjoy spending time with them, but hey ho🤷

I really want my adult DD who graduates this year to leave and so does she, but with London rents, I don't think she will be able to. I have no problem admitting that. I think DC need to spread their wings.

Do you work OP? If not the suggestion of volunteering at something you're interested in is a good suggestion or maybe looking into getting a job?

Yeah I do work - I know DC need to spread their wings but it is hard

I think it is a sadness of a life focus lost and i do miss ds and will miss younger ds when he goes next year. It takes effort to build a life without having to think of dc but it is worth doing. I have slowly built my own things as dc have needed me less. Dh and i now try and make plans to do things just for us, cinema, meals out, seeing friends and I am enjoying having this freedom back. I am delighted that dc are independent and happy.

I try and see it as liberating rather than being sad. DD 20 now in her 2nd year at Uni and DS 19 going this year. Whilst I adore both my DC and DD and I are particularly close I try and see this as the beginning of a new life for me. I had them within 15 months of each other and life was crazy for a while, now I love the slowed down pace.

DD has been with her BF for a year now and they are totally smitten, he lives the other end of the country to us though and Xmas gone she spent all but 3 days with him and his family, that did sting but I want her to happy and she is. I remind myself that she is exactly where she is supposed to be.

It’s really hard youngest of my five going this year. What I hate is the house - it empties out, full of so many memories and that stage of my life is done.
I keep mournfully thinking of that Les Mis song line ‘empty rooms and empty tables’!
Keep wondering whether to move but know the kids love the house and would be gutted so trying to see it as a transition and having a clear out which is liberating in itself
outside the house I am fine - I work FT and still enjoy it, am exercising, going to theatre and cinema and have taken up my old childhood hobby of riding. Also finding the company of women at the same stage as me brilliant whereas years ago I would say I wasn’t that good at female friendship
one of mine went to NZ this year too
but hopefully not for ever ….
I try to be proud of them that they have turned into decent people working hard and socially and politically still have views I have instilled into them
it is good fun going on holiday with adult children and I find they get emotionally closer in their 20s as they come back to you a little bit and are more appreciative of their upbringing and grateful when you cook a meal for them
the other Challenge apart from the house is forging a relationship with DH again as a couple instead of as parents and that is going to take time too !
do make sure you have checked out menopause symptoms/ HRT too as it hit me like a brick wall when my ovaries
gave up the ghost at the same time too
good luck

I was the opposite! Mine were at home a year after university to save and then went off.....I don't miss a house with 4 adults at all. My life is busy...dcs live 300 miles away and I see them every couple of months. I'm glad I've Brought up 2 independent young people and not neglected my own needs.

I’m slowly trying new things to keep myself busy but there’s not an awful lot around here to get involved in. I do enjoy dog walking but only ever find myself chatting with retired folk. I’ve no issue with that but I can feel lonely a great deal of the time.

If you're really struggling is the DC leaving coinciding with the Peri-menopause for you OP? I've found everything so much easier to cope with since starting HRT.

This stage is hard.

I swear Mumsnet is sponsored by HRT pharma!

Well they're definitely not sponsoring me! I wish they were, I could do with some extra cash

Mine still live here so I don't know how it feels as such but I do enjoy having more free time because they are so much more independent. I also like seeing who they are developing into and how they are managing their lives - work, hobbies/ interests, friends, boyfriends etc. After a few tricky teenage years with the youngest, it's great to see her increasing in maturity. One goes away a lot to visit her boyfriend and I don't miss her when she's away, but of course, I know she'll be back before long.

So you're not an empty nester, are you?

@ipredictariot5 I second all of that.
I was bereft when they were both at uni. Since then one or the other has bounced back for a few months to a year, more than once. It was actually another7 years before the nest was finally empty. It has taken a while and coincided with retirement and ill health but I am used to it now. We see them often, have the odd weekend away which is great. They are happy and have lovely partners.
Life is never as rich as it was when they were little though. The caring, the hugs, the physical contact when they are little envelopes you.
I have built hobbies , struggle with friends but keep busy. One stupid thing that bothers me is being boring to them, I try hard to have interesting things to chat or message about.

No sure who you're addressing with this one?

The poster immediately before her who says her children still live at home.

I'm not an empty nester yet, although they are growing up quickly and hardly spend any time at home these days. Can't stop crying, not sure if DH has even noticed!! He would just roll his eyes at me

So what is the thread about? If you aren’t an empty nester why the title?

Sounds like you are crying because your kids have their own lives. Thats really not healthy.

TBH, if my other half was crying all the time for a prolonged period because our kids had their own lives, I would be inclined to not indulge it.

Only you can decide to go get some professional support and find out why this is hitting you so hard.

Not normal behaviour at all. You need to get out and do things

If it's any consolation it's hard for most parents. I can very clearly remember driving my DD (firstborn) to uni because DH was working away at the time. I took her to a food shop, helped her make her bed then cheerfully waved her goodbye as other students had then arrived, and they were going to go out together that evening. I drove around the corner out of sight then parked and cried my eyes out for a good 20 minutes. I knew she would love it where she went and would not live at home again. I was correct. She came home during the holidays but never lived at home again. She did her Masters then got a job where she went to Uni. She got engaged to a person who also went to Uni in the same city and 5 years later married him. Now they have 2 DS's. She is happy and for that I'm very grateful but it did take some getting used too. Try to be positive now I've got 2 wonderful grandsons I might not have if she hadn't gone away.

I know it is ridiculous, that's why I'm posting on here OK!! I've been to the Dr's and got the highest does of HRT already. I've had CBT already. I just want all.of this pain to go away ok