At the end of my tether with 23 yr old son

[Wordsmith]

He's been living back at home since leaving uni and has a good FT job and lots of friends he's known since school. He split up with his GF last summer - they'd been together 18 months but she lived with her parents near London and never wanted to move. They used to bicker a lot, and I don't know if that's still affecting him, but...

He's a bloody miserable sod. Flies off the handle if we try and talk to him, virtually every other word is the f word. Normal day to day life is very stressful for all if us because he doesn't appear to like us at all.

I know he wants to move to another city where some of his friends live, and is looking for a job there in the same sector he's in now (sports hospitality).

I don't want to force him to move out but there's only so much of his abusive, rude, angry behaviour we can cope with. It's depressing both me and DH and his younger brother too.

He won't look for a flatshare or anything round here because he wants to move to this other city. He does pay us a nominal rent, probably about half or less than he'd have to pay to rent a room.

Ideally we'd like him to stay living here until he can move cities, acting like a 23 year old young professional, being polite and happy, and not putting us through this angst every few days.

Any suggestions?

What was his response when you’ve told him that his behaviour is unacceptable in your home?

Sit him down and gently be honest with him. Tell him you love him and want to support him, but that his behaviour towards you all is intolerable. Tell him he has to change the way he talks to you and the way he behaves in the house or he will need to move out. Make it clear you don’t want him to move out yet, you would rather he makes a big effort to be nicer to live with, and leaves when he’s ready. But change he must!

I’d present a united front- ask him to sit down with you and your DH to discuss the household situation. Insist on it.

Then tell him that he needs to be polite and respectful towards you -if he can’t do that, he needs to find alternative accommodation. He’s 23 and you don’t have to house him or suffer verbal abuse in your home.

why doesnt he move then? what is stopping him?

I can’t fathom why a 23-year-old thinks that they can speak to their parents and sibling so rudely. I wouldn’t have dared and I know they my teenagers wouldn’t either, they know that there’s be serious consequences.

He thinks we're being unacceptably harsh and 'can't take a joke'

We did this. He seemed to accept it - for a while - but he's back being rude again.

We can't work out what triggers it. We do ask but he makes out it's our fault and he's completely normal.

@Wordsmith Your house, your rules. If he doesn’t like them, he can move out.

Finding a job. He did get offered a brilliant one but the pay was much lower than he's on now and wouldn't have been enough to pay rent.

I'd tell him "if you're rude to us again, you will be given 1 months notice to move out. We are deadly serious so don't test us" And then follow through if need be.

What are the serious consequences?

No, there's no way he'd have been like this as a teenager. Hopefully your teenagers will stay that way. They may not.

I think if you've had the conversation with him and he's not managed to change, he's had his chance. He's a grown up. Time to act like it, and see how his future flatmates like being spoken to like shit.

@Wordsmith Luckily it hadn’t happened yet, but they know that we’d take away phones, turn off WIFI (we use an app that can turn off individual devices :-), not let DD (18) use my car, which would seriously impact her social life.

Of course, we have more control as they’re younger and not paying for phones, cars, etc. yet. It’s harder at 23-unless you’re still paying for these things. Asking him to leave might be the only option.

I had a similar issue ongoing with my son and found discussions weren’t helpful as it always lead to deflection and blame shifting and anger from both of us. So I wrote a letter and handed it to him. It was in the format of a shit sandwich so I stressed how much I loved him and was happy to give him to go into the world with a leg up but I pulled no punches about his rudeness and not pulling his weight and reminded him he was a grown man and I was embarrassed for him and his poor behaviour. We never discussed it and he stepped up - I think reading the letter without confrontation and explaining the consequences without negotiation gave him a chance to reflect and it worked for us.

Yep. We did this at the end of Nov. He has till the end of Feb, but I don't think he's taking it seriously. We've said we don't want to force him out, but if his behaviour doesn't improve, that's the deadline. I want him to take it seriously and find somewhere to live, not make him homeless. Ideally, I'd like him to play nice, stay here and save some money so he can afford to move to the new city

@Wordsmith let him struggle for a bit. It might be the kick up the arse he needs to change his ways.

Hopefully he's been saving for the last few months.

@HamBone - no he pays for his car, phone etc. Those teenage threats don't work with (supposedly) grown up kids 🙄

Did it work on a permanent/long term basis?

Is he taking drugs?

It sounds like he is taking out his frustrations/upset about not being where he wants to be on all of you, which is of course unacceptable. I think the Feb deadline is a good call.

Don't make threats. Just explain it's time to move out and you'll help him find somewhere. Meanwhile do some research of your own to find something half suitable to present to him. If you give a deadline and let it go, what's the next move?

Assuming no special circumstances/ needs then he'll have to get on with it. You can still offer support, just not under your roof.

Remind him of the deadline, OP. He might think that you didn’t really mean it-but you did.

Yep, he is saving, but spent a shedload on 'experience'-type presents for DH and me at Christmas. Like £150 worth each. I don't know why. It was lovely, but I'd sent him a message at the start of Dec saying 'I'd quite like this perfume for Christmas' (cost about £30) and I don't think he even bothered to read it.

I'd much rather he saved his money.

Yes, he was at home another 4 years after this, but he changed the way he managed it and I found it much easier and happier. I really was at the end of my tether too so was quite surprised how effective it was. Good luck x

He probably hates his life and he’s depressed. No gf and away from his friends, who probably look like they’re having the best time, and he can’t afford to. You’ve half heartedly threatened to kick him out, and he feels like no one in the house ‘gets’ him or probably enjoys having him around (understandably, with only himself to blame).
can you try and talk to him about it as though you’re a bit concerned for him? That he doesn’t seem happy, would he like any help putting together a plan or is there anything you can (reasonably) change for/with him?
ultimately though he can’t just be rude to you and it’s unacceptable, you need to make that clear, you don’t deserve that. What happens if 2 weeks into feb he starts being polite, will you let him stay? It’s probably not worth him trying now if that’s the case.