At the end of my tether with 23 yr old son

[Wordsmith]

He's been living back at home since leaving uni and has a good FT job and lots of friends he's known since school. He split up with his GF last summer - they'd been together 18 months but she lived with her parents near London and never wanted to move. They used to bicker a lot, and I don't know if that's still affecting him, but...

He's a bloody miserable sod. Flies off the handle if we try and talk to him, virtually every other word is the f word. Normal day to day life is very stressful for all if us because he doesn't appear to like us at all.

I know he wants to move to another city where some of his friends live, and is looking for a job there in the same sector he's in now (sports hospitality).

I don't want to force him to move out but there's only so much of his abusive, rude, angry behaviour we can cope with. It's depressing both me and DH and his younger brother too.

He won't look for a flatshare or anything round here because he wants to move to this other city. He does pay us a nominal rent, probably about half or less than he'd have to pay to rent a room.

Ideally we'd like him to stay living here until he can move cities, acting like a 23 year old young professional, being polite and happy, and not putting us through this angst every few days.

Any suggestions?

I don't think so. He smokes weed occasionally. And he vapes. But nothing that would have this effect

Well come Feb he might regret his choice of presents.

The only way to stop his behaviour is to follow through with your threat.

I've had both my adult DC live at home at various points. They know that if they're having a crap day, feel moody etc, they have 2 options. If they want to talk about it I'm happy to listen. If they don't then they have some time alone until they've snapped out of it.

I was in an abusive relationship in the past and I absolutely refuse to walk on egg shells in my own home ever again.

It's not just you and your DH it's affecting. It's his younger brother too and that's just not on. I think maybe the time for talking is over. He's had his chances. Tbh at this point, the next time he does it I'd be saying "that's it, no more. This stops or you're out at the end of Feb". No discussion, no debate, no argument. Just firm words.

I am usually one who thinks people are being overly harsh when they talk on MN about kicking their DCs out. So I don't say all that lightly. But I feel like he's walking all over you.

@chaiandtoast I have been able to sit down and talk with him in the past, and I'll try again. I'm pretty sure he is depressed but it's really difficult to talk to him when he's like this.

The bit about walking on eggshells ... that's exactly it.

I'm going to have enter the dragon's lair and reinforce the message, aren't l.

Yes, he was at home another 4 years after this, but he changed the way he managed it and I found it much easier and happier. I really was at the end of my tether too so was quite surprised how effective it was. Good luck x

That's good to hear. We do need a radical change I think. I don't want him to waste money on rent unless it's where he actually wants to live.

I've just had a word with him. He hates living here, he wants his independence, he wants the job he wants in the city he wants. Fair enough, but he seems to think that entitles him to behave like a spotted brat until he gets it. I told him he's going to have to compromise.

If moving to the other city is the priority, then he needs to find a job that will pay him to do it, regardless if it's in sport or sonething else.

If he wants to stay here until he can afford to move to the perfect job, then he's gonna have to grow up.

If he doesn't think he should have to compromise at all, on ambitions or attitude, then he has till the end of Feb to find somewhere else to live .

spoiled not spotted 🤣

I don't think that you have any alternative but to follow through with the February deadline. He's a man and although you want him to go and be happy he's choosing to stay and make everyone miserable. He won't love you any the less and may even respect you more.

@TeTel12 I think you're right. I think he realises we're not joking.

I have a similar story with 22 year old dd. Shes planning on moving out after uni finishes this year which is for the best. Shes actually improved towards her siblings and husband but very rude to me. She definitely has anxiety but 85% get my head snapped off when talking to her. I think its time for your ds to move out. Your not alone.