Do boys/men come back to their mothers?

[Lunarskybox]

I have two boys and people keep telling me that when they become adults they tend to spend holidays etc with girlfriends families. Obviously there will be exceptions and this is clearly a generalization. But....is it mostly true!! I have never spent one Christmas with my husbands family. So I prove the case unfortunately. Hoping I don't lose my son's once they grow up and get girlfriends/wives! What is your experience (if you have grown boys)?

Well why don't you model what you would wish to see?

Exactly, set the example by mixing with both sides of the family.

It's very individual but IMO girls tend to stay closer to family and boys are quicker to disappear.

For example...if your boy is British but meets an Australian woman, IMO they always end up back in Australia, especially once kids come along, to be closer to her side of the family.

Why haven't you spent Christmas with DH's family? It seems pretty unusual and not a great example for your sons.
My DH is very supportive of his Mother, particularly since his father died. She has left today after staying for Christmas. DH adored his Father as well.
My DS is a young adult and he and his girlfriend are spending their fourth night with us for Christmas. I am equally close to DS as DD's.

I’m a man in his late 30s, and I’ve always been very close to my family.
I moved out in my 20s but never strayed more than 15 miles from my hometown - I regularly go for meals with family, have them over for an evening etc.

It’s quite a personal thing so yours could be completely different - a good friend of mine moved to New Zealand with her husband!
I wouldn’t worry too much though; most of my other friends still see their families a lot.

I should add, I go on holiday a lot with my family - my DW comes too (and we do the same with hers)

My brother is so close to my mum. She does all his childcare (his wife's parents live far away and have little interest in the grandchildren). He sees my mum loads and she is so close to my nephews.

My mum and brother are very similar and they also live near each other. I think both these factors are key to involvement as adults.

He's much closer to my mum than I am 😊

So it really depends on personality, geography and the relationship between mother and son.

My nephews adore my mum! It's really lovely to see. They are not close to their other grandparents at all.

It’s a bit true but I think it’s fairly even in most families.

However if you never spend time with your DH family you are teaching them that pattern, so..

The female's parents are usually the alpha parents.

When you read many of the threads on here from women complaining about their Mils you will see why. It seems a given from so many that the mothers of sons are natural born demons. I'm pleased to say this has not been my experience either with my own MIL or with my DILs. Thank God, they have all been lovely and I've had great relationships with all of them.

Are they? Across my friendship group I can’t see any particular bias one way or another

No thanks. Not helpful

Nope

Jeez, you know nothing about my reason. So unhelpful

I loved spending time with my dh family at Christmas. Both his parents have passed away now. Christmas is not quite the same now.

I have never spent one Christmas with my husbands family.

I think expecting your sons to do something that your husband doesn’t do, is pretty unreasonable. Unless you are going to come back with a massive backstory.

My son is an adult with his own family. I always see them at Christmas time . We are very relaxed about it .At some stage over the season , there is a get-together for his side of the family, and on another day there is one for her side . Easy ! It doesn't have to be on "the big day", this year we had one get-together at the end of November and one yesterday.

To me, the answer to "does your son come back ?" is simple - does he enjoy your company all through the year ? If he does, he'll keep coming back. So work on that one and everything will work out well in the future.

I am the oldest of 3 kids. Parents doted on the golden youngest child sister and her kids. My brother is a verbally abusive heavy drinker.

I cut ties due to many years of narcissist behaviour from my parents, in particular as they showed zero respect to my wife and ignored my son.

He is 32 now, with a fabulous fiancée. He comes home to BOTH mum and dad when he can and I'm lucky enough to have the joy of her in our lives too.

Some mothers spurn chance after chance with their sons, with bad and controlling behaviour.

Breaking that cycle of learned and repeated female family behaviour is the hardest thing I ever did. And the best.

Sometimes, mothers reap what they sow.

If you want them to come home, set a place where they feel loved, welcome, wanted and safe, and support them to grow as individuals.

I've seen both sides and what I have now is all the more special for it.

2 brothers much closer to their wives families and Mum is like an afterthought to them sadly. No argument or anything occurred

I think it's more down to geography than sons vs daughters, has been in my family anyway. There are obviously (in your eyes) good reasons why you have never spent Christmas with your DH's family, so just make sure that things are different with your sons' partners.

Oh well, never mind, I am sure your sons will be able to intuit from their upbringing that men don't bother with nurturing their bond with their mums. 👍

I have grown up sons, both married with children of their own. I see a fair bit of them even though one lives an hour and a half away (much closer to his in laws). Both boys and their families have been here over Christmas, both see both sets of families at Christmas, Easter and throughout the year.
When they were growing up family was at the centre of our world and has remained important to them. I am really lucky.
I see a lot of posts here where it is clear that the DIL has little interest in seeing her husband’s family, it worried me too. So much so that I joined Mumsnet years ago to ask how I could be a good mother in law which I saw as the key to maintaining a close relationship with my boys (I had never had a MIL, she died before I met my husband).
A daughter in law it seems can easily feel threatened by a MIL who seeks to continue to influence of control her son. On the whole men take the path of least resistance and will do what it takes to keep their wives happy, they also aren’t usually proactive in arranging socialising.
In a nutshell you’d better make sure you have a good relationship with your DILs! It would also help to bring up boys who don’t rely on you for everything because if you do one day they will hand over responsibility for a whole lot of stuff to their partner and seeing you may not be top of their partner’s list.
I got a good lot of answers when I asked how I could be a good MIL, here are my top tips:-

Life moves on, you are no longer the centre of his world, you will adjust to this in time. Keep in mind that his happiness is what you want. This is by far the most important thing.

Respect his choice of partner, I hope you have a strong enough relationship with him by this time that you can talk to him about any reasonable concerns you may have initially.

Once his relationship is established keep your criticism of his partner to yourself.

Get to know his partner and build a relationship with them yourself, embrace them and be welcoming to them.

Do NOT be critical! They are grown ups and don’t want or need you telling them how to live their lives.

If they have children butt the F out!

Be the easy, stress free and happy place to visit.

Be the easy and stress free visitors. Don’t expect to be waited on but equally don’t take over, it’s their home not yours.

Whatever you do treat everyone the same, all of your children, their partners and your grandchildren. Favouritism is a very big no, no!

I am so, so lucky. I have very different but lovely DIL’s and I love them both; they also get on well together. ☺️
At the moment you are the largest influence in your boys lives, the woman they love above all others. Enjoy this time but accept it cannot continue forever. 💐

I never understood this tbh. I'm one of five and my brothers are far closer to my mum than I or my sisters are and tbh I haven't seen much of a consensus either way in other aspects of my life.

I’m having a baby next year and my MIL is the one who is staying with us for the first couple of weeks and caring for our eldest.

I’m very mindful grandparents both get 50/50 access to grandkids and generally play an equal part in their kids lives.

Anecdotally, most of the men i knew from school have stayed far, far geographically closer to home than the girls. They’re home bodies and much less adventurous - probably see their parents a few times a week.

If you can’t model the behaviour you want that might be tricky, unless there is a very good reason why you have nothing to do with in-laws. Obviously an important step is to be welcoming to any partner of your sons