Do boys/men come back to their mothers?

[Lunarskybox]

I have two boys and people keep telling me that when they become adults they tend to spend holidays etc with girlfriends families. Obviously there will be exceptions and this is clearly a generalization. But....is it mostly true!! I have never spent one Christmas with my husbands family. So I prove the case unfortunately. Hoping I don't lose my son's once they grow up and get girlfriends/wives! What is your experience (if you have grown boys)?

You've come on to ask why boys don't spend time with their family. Said you don't spend any time with DH's side. Been rude and short with people suggesting you make an effort.

Frankly, so far you sound exactly like a MIL no one wants to spend time with. Short, curt, mean to people being helpful, keeping your own counsel but expecting everyone to respect your choices.

We have spent every Christmas with my husband’s family (my family doesn’t do Christmas - different culture/religion). His brothers and their wives tend to alternate.

But, I agree, you can’t really expect your sons to do something you haven’t modelled for them.

There’s an old saying along the lines of a daughter is a daughter for life and a son is a son til he finds a wife. Unfortunately that seems to be the case in my experience.

There is a saying, "My son, my son, until he gets a wife. My daughter, my daughter, all my life. "

In some ways, that is true: three of my four live abroad. I feel fortunate to live in a day and age of live streaming with Messenger, Zoom, WhatsApp, and Signal so I can talk with them regularly, which I do.

My eldest son is local to me. I see him regularly and have my grandchildren every weekend. I have a good relationship with my DiL. I'm very close with her mom. We were both widowed within a year of each other and widowed young.

I'm a hands-off MIL. I don't interfere or get overinvolved unless I am asked, too. I go with what they say for the grandchildren. They are the parents.

Our families are involved with each other. Birthdays Christmas etc we all spent together. Usually, all of us meet at my DiL mom house, which is very big.

My daughter also has a child and one on the way. I go out to her once a year. I know my grandson and soon to be néw baby through WhatsApp live call mostly. I have met him live, which whilst he knew me puzzled him as you can imagine. He was fine after 5 minutes.

My other 2 boys haven't gotten their own families yet. One is in a relationship with a girl he met in her home country.

I think if you're laid back, you keep them. Each and every relationship is different.

My relationship with my daughter is very relaxed, and I'm just mom. DiL has her own mum she very close too. All relationships are different

Well you haven't told us anything about your reason for never spending holidays with your in laws so how are we to know? If your sons have grown up only spending time with their mother's family - yeah unless you have explained to them and made them understand, they may well think this is how it goes in families.

We spend time with both sets of parents/family. Lovely mil had 6 sons. All of them love spending time with her as do her daughters in law. But then she told me once that she wanted to be the mother in law that her mother in law was to her.

There isn't some universal law out there. Your children will learn from what they see and observe and feel in your family. If you have nothing to do with your husband's family then you need to explain why to your sons. Don't leave them thinking it is a normal thing to do - grow up and leave your family to the margins.

From your guarded responses, I can only assume that your DH's parents are unfriendly/difficult/unpleasant/monsters.

If so, I'm sure they are like that because of who they are as people and nothing do with the basic fact that your DH is male.

Exactly this .

OP, if you want people to be helpful then stop the drip feed and explain why you don't see your in-laws. Or at least that there's a legitimate reason that you'd rather not go into. But responding rudely to posters just makes you come across as a selfish hypocrite.

Are you interested in adult male relationships with their fathers or just their mothers? If parents are still together it is the same family but often a different dynamic in the relationship ? Our DS lives with his GF but is still fairly young (early 20s). Local to both us and to GF's family . They both see their own families a lot more individually than together, but I know that his partner sees her mum a lot more than her dad, and that DS is mainly at our house watching sport with his dad . Perhaps they are too young to see any long term pattern yet or perhaps we are different as we all live in the same area .

This. I think you would get much more constructive answers if you provided more information and were not as brusque with people trying to be helpful. Kids often model parental behaviours. It's not unreasonable to suggest you spend time with your DHs side of the family.