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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

27 year old daughter

65 replies

justgettingthroughlife · 23/11/2023 19:59

My daughter works 30/36 hours a week in a shop . Every single night she comes home and falls fast asleep from around 630-10 . She does nothing in the house no dog walking no ironing no washing . She cooks her tea but only when she's woken up .
I am now at the stage where I am finding jobs for her to do to keep her awake as it's proper getting me and DH down .
How can I resolve this issue I've tried to get her to join the gym with me to give her something to do but she's got zero interest . She's not gonna be able to get a house of her own as she has an pt contract .
She has no reliable friends to go out with and no boyfriend . I can't help but worry myself sick about her and where her life is going .
My mum sides with her saying oh she's up early in the morning that's why she is tired and she is standing on her feet all day .
Why do I feel so guilty asking her to do stuff in the house 🤷🏽‍♀️.
Myself and hubby are at our wits end with it all ... advice please

OP posts:
Original poster
justgettingthroughlife · 23/11/2023 21:40

Nicole1111 · 23/11/2023 21:36

Have you talked to her about how worried you are about her and her missing out on things? What’s her perception of her life?

Many times but I don't want to make her feel guilty about how it's making me feel . It's hard enough for her without giving her a guilt trip

OP posts:
Guesswho88 · 23/11/2023 21:42

justgettingthroughlife · 23/11/2023 21:01

She wouldn't do these things on her own

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With all due respect this wouldn't suit everyone who works full time.. some maybe if it was something they were really interested in but I can imagine the majority wouldn't have time.

Original poster
justgettingthroughlife · 23/11/2023 21:43

Guesswho88 · 23/11/2023 21:37

I think you should leave her alone. It sounds like she works hard and doesn't need you making things difficult for her. If you want to help her maybe you could sign as a guarantor on a mortgage or lend her or gift her a few K for a deposit on a house. She should be able to get one as them hours are practically full time even though technically its a part time contract - won't they just multiply her gross income x 4 to see what she can borrow? She should be able to afford a two bed flat or terrace imo if you just give her a little help.

Reading these comments I think I need to step back and let her find her own way . Perhaps it's my issues more than hers it's certainly made me think .
She does need some decent friends she admits that who she can rely on that's a big stumbling block but me driving myself insane with worry isn't doing either of us any good is it

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 23/11/2023 21:44

justgettingthroughlife · 23/11/2023 21:40

Many times but I don't want to make her feel guilty about how it's making me feel . It's hard enough for her without giving her a guilt trip

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What I meant really is do you think she thinks it’s a problem? Is she expressing she is dissatisfied? If she is what does she think is the route to feeling better? I only ask as to make changes the motivation and the action plan really have to come from her. You can then provide the support and accountability factors.

LuckyCharmz · 23/11/2023 21:47

Has there been a change in her personality or has she always been similar? Did she have a friendship group at school?
Have you considered she may be ND? My asd child sounds very similar. No friends, mainly happy, very tired. They use up much more energy than a NT person just getting though their day.

nonsenseaddict · 23/11/2023 21:48

justgettingthroughlife · 23/11/2023 21:32

My daughter is beautiful kind and loving and myself and hubby adore her . Perhaps you're right I am concentrating on the negatives here ( I've done that in my own life too ) .
People love her ... she lacks confidence

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Awww that's a beautiful thing to say. Just keep focussing on those things and you'll feel a lot happier (and maybe over time the situation will shift too)

puppymagic · 23/11/2023 21:52

Chouxpastryishard · 23/11/2023 21:28

It’s really really hard when you’re a mother in this situation though just to stand by and watch without trying to intervene. I agree with many of the comments made that pushing the person can just make them feel worse.
as far as mental health assessments go, there are none beyond ‘I think you need anti depressants’ which isn’t always the answer. She is already taking them anyway. There isn’t any other help available bar CBT.

OP can you afford to pay for counselling for her? Would she be open to that? Offering to do things with her might help . At least she would be out of the house. Sometimes all it takes is for something to shift a bit , and then things start to change. It’s really hard, I know, I’ve been there. It is heart breaking to watch your child just wasting their life. The good thing is that she gets on with you, she talks to you. You know she’s safe and warm and fed. She’s working. Those are the positives.

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TMS can also be an effective treatment for resistant depression.

Chouxpastryishard · 23/11/2023 21:52

Guesswho88 · 23/11/2023 21:37

I think you should leave her alone. It sounds like she works hard and doesn't need you making things difficult for her. If you want to help her maybe you could sign as a guarantor on a mortgage or lend her or gift her a few K for a deposit on a house. She should be able to get one as them hours are practically full time even though technically its a part time contract - won't they just multiply her gross income x 4 to see what she can borrow? She should be able to afford a two bed flat or terrace imo if you just give her a little help.

These days you need a massive deposit. It’s really tough for young people.

verrymerryberry · 23/11/2023 21:53

Maybe consider some counselling for you too op. Help you to guide your daughter the best.

Finding a "therapist" is difficult. I've seen about 6 over the year and only saw one more than once.

Sending you all Flowers

Chouxpastryishard · 23/11/2023 21:55

How about a change of tactic? Focus on looking for things to praise and take the focus right off trying to get her to do things. That can be very counter productive. So tell her how great she is to get to work on time, how nice she looks, praise anything you can think of but not in an over intense way. Make her feel good about herself. If she feels you are worrying and trying to ‘get her to do things’ that will compound the stress she feels and her own low self esteem.

Flibbertygibbetty · 23/11/2023 21:57

OP I have two friends who each had a DC like this, similar issues. One had anxiety rather than depression. Socially isolated, unemployed in their cases. Both situations were resolved by an outside event rather than the deeply concerned parents being able to ‘make their child happy’ or solve problems. One met someone online, then started job, now engaged and happy with own flat. The other was approached about a job and is now socialising, successful and seems much more engaged with life. So don’t feel it’s on you to sort it out as it probably won’t be like this permanently.

I have made the mistake of spending many years wanting one of my DC ‘to be happy’ trying to give support, myriad ways we have helped them. In the end I had a ‘moment’ where I realised I was inadvertently contributing to keeping DC stuck somehow. Probably a psychologist would explain theory behind it! I found it painful to try to detach myself and just listen, reflect but not offer suggestions and solutions. DC came to a big decision to change up life in every way and it’s been wonderful to see. Now very independent. Hope that helps, and good luck to you and your DD. It is still hard being a parent even when they’re not children any more.

123chocolate1 · 23/11/2023 22:07

Is she possibly undiagnosed autistic? Girls present very differently so it's often missed until adulthood. I went through stages of sleeping like she is because I was so burnt out from masking all the time. It's worth looking into autism in girls and seeing if any of it she relates too.

Trommelgeroffel · 23/11/2023 22:07

OP, in the nicest possible way, you need to help her to move out and onwards. It isn't healthy for a 27 yr old to be living at home with her mum as her "best friend". I know you love her and just want her to be happy - but perhaps she needs to be given the opportunity to stand on her own two feet and make her own mistakes and discover who she really is, before she can then work out what to do with the rest of her life.

It would obviously also be a good idea to rule out a physical cause for the extreme tiredness.

Original poster
justgettingthroughlife · 23/11/2023 22:07

Gosh you've all been so helpful tonight ... I'm definitely gonna change my tactics and focus on the positives she brings to us .
Speaking to outsiders gives us a completely different outlook on things and rationalises things much more than we can ourselves .
Social media plays a huge part also you think every other 27 year old is having an amazing life going out enjoying every minute where as we all know deep down true life isn't always what we see online .
Thank you all so much for your advice xx

OP posts:
Guesswho88 · 23/11/2023 22:38

justgettingthroughlife · 23/11/2023 21:43

Reading these comments I think I need to step back and let her find her own way . Perhaps it's my issues more than hers it's certainly made me think .
She does need some decent friends she admits that who she can rely on that's a big stumbling block but me driving myself insane with worry isn't doing either of us any good is it

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Well...decent friends.. I don't know.. people can be fickle in their 20s. That's not her fault she's probably doing the best she can. People can let you down at any time of life. I still you could give her a helping hand regarding the mortgage thing. I know some people worry that they aren't teaching their kids the value of money but it sounds like she is a good worker anyway and probably gets that. Then the rest (boyfriend, friends...etc) should follow in due course, but then again boyfriends aren't necessarily forever, you can be single at any time of life. She might meet someone next year, in 5 years, who knows?

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