27 year old daughter

[justgettingthroughlife]

My daughter works 30/36 hours a week in a shop . Every single night she comes home and falls fast asleep from around 630-10 . She does nothing in the house no dog walking no ironing no washing . She cooks her tea but only when she's woken up .
I am now at the stage where I am finding jobs for her to do to keep her awake as it's proper getting me and DH down .
How can I resolve this issue I've tried to get her to join the gym with me to give her something to do but she's got zero interest . She's not gonna be able to get a house of her own as she has an pt contract .
She has no reliable friends to go out with and no boyfriend . I can't help but worry myself sick about her and where her life is going .
My mum sides with her saying oh she's up early in the morning that's why she is tired and she is standing on her feet all day .
Why do I feel so guilty asking her to do stuff in the house 🤷🏽‍♀️.
Myself and hubby are at our wits end with it all ... advice please

I'm praying your right 🙏🏽

She needs to talk to the doctor. I have one like this and they did catch up on their personal chores on the weekend, but they were seriously unwell. They had an underlying physical condition. I gave them understanding and let them do what they needed while they had treatment. I'd get a full evaluation for your daughter before cracking down. Maybe she is low on iron, has thyroid problems, depression, any range of things. I do think that needs to be ruled out first.

She's had so many tests over the years we've paid private for scans etc and nothing shows .
Can I ask what's wrong with your child ?

She wouldn't do these things on her own

It sounds like she’s depressed and you’re trying to motivate her with good intentions but she’s almost 30; She doesn’t need her mum telling her when she should and shouldn’t be sleeping, or trying to keep her awake like an overtired toddler, or trying to find her hobbies to do. I cant imagine that’s making her feel better at all. It’s not a lack of motivation, it’s depression.
unless you think she’s genuinely just lazy.

just tell her you can’t do things for her, like washing cooking cleaning etc and she needs to sort herself out, as well as pay you rent and obviously not make your house less nice (ie leaving mess all the time) Then leave her be for a bit.
ask her if you can support her anyway. But stop trying to motivate her.

after university i dabbled in this and that here and there and then again found myself aged 25 back home.

Aged 29 scraped enough together to move out. Should have done it much sooner. Into shared house.

You sound angry more than concerned or worried, irritated rather than frustrated. Your tone is even quite aggressive towards me trying to help.

I got married, no kids sadly but content. Work hard, do sport 5 times a week and generally fulfilled. Lovely families,
A few lovely people in my life and do lovely things all the time.

I think if you can stop being irritated and angry become a little empathetic and find away to support her into an independent adulthood.

I suggest find some support from a HCP for low mood a some talking therapy as well. Say you are worried about her. Depression is terrible as if you can imagine a future. It's just bleakness, hopeless. Try and formulate a plan with her. And help her move out. Even if it's a five year plan! So be it!? Most people want a relationship and a family of their own. Or maybe another goal.

36 hours is full time.

But also stop doing her washing and let her sleep. She's 27. If she wants to sleep and have toast for tea that's ok.

I say this all with kindness and respect.

So you think I'm not helping her ?
I do wonder myself but I feel so helpless as I want to make things right for her and make her happy
Perhaps I'm making her worse do u think

I'm not irritated by your suggestions at all . As a mum you just want the best for your children . I've suffered depression for most of my adult life so I really do understand how hard it is however I also know only ourselves can try to turn things around . I'm certainly not irritated by my daughter frustrated yes as I don't know what to do for the best

Autoimmune condition related to digestion and the bowel.

You said you've had depression most of your life, a tendency which can be genetic. It sounds like she's had a lot of checks already but has she had a mental health screen.

I do understand this is very frustrating for you and you just want her to live a full life.

Seriously?! 😳 If she has no interest in any of those things what a waste of time.

@Pigeonqueen - at 27 I would have no interest in going along to golf, pottery or tennis.

In that case, can you do them with her?

Tennis may be good as you have to partner up and play with people.

How did you get them diagnosed . Did they have the same symptoms ?

Yeah I do
I know it’s well intentioned but I think you’re making yourself feel better, not her.
have you ever been depressed? I know for me, someone trying to keep me awake or telling me to go the gym wouldn’t have helped, it would’ve made me feel worse.
shes not a child, you have to offer the help she wants and is ready for. Even if it’s a health problem, beyond telling her you think she should go to the drs (and even offering to make the apt/go with her if she wants), it’s for her as an almost 30 year old woman to make that step and that decision.
obviously you don’t have to let her live in your home and if it’s bothering you, the vibe, or she’s leaving a mess or whatever you don’t have to settle for that. But as far as ‘motivating’ her goes I think it’s not doing anything except to make you feel slightly less helpless - which understandably is appealing!!

My son started with the general blood tests and had a fecal calprotectin test done. He was also underweight at the time (not alarmingly so, but when I look back at pictures now, it's very obvious). That was followed by colonoscopy, MRI and then we had a diagnosis.

I'm full of admiration that he held down employment at all, but he would just come home and sleep for hours. No energy for chores, socialisation, hobbies. I know he had to do that but we've had a lot of problems with treatment and finding something effective. He did have to stop working in more recent months. We've finally gone for the most radical route of treatment, so we're hoping next year is better. We're off to a good start as he's at least absorbing nutrients from food properly now.

I'm not saying this is up with your daughter at all, just wanted to offer the idea of medical issues or depression, but it sounds like you've covered the medical angle.

What are your daughter's good points, what do you like about her character? What are you proud of her for? I don't want to be patronising/simplistic but maybe focussing on the positive will help to allay your worries and might be helpful for her too

I can assure you it's not making me feel any better in any way shape or form .
The fact I'm trying to lead her at 27 embarrasses me somewhat as I feel I have failed her in some way .
I have suffered depression most of my adult life and I perhaps want her to have a ' text book ' life which I never had .
The bottom line is I just want her to be happy and perhaps I'm not helping that

It’s really really hard when you’re a mother in this situation though just to stand by and watch without trying to intervene. I agree with many of the comments made that pushing the person can just make them feel worse.
as far as mental health assessments go, there are none beyond ‘I think you need anti depressants’ which isn’t always the answer. She is already taking them anyway. There isn’t any other help available bar CBT.

OP can you afford to pay for counselling for her? Would she be open to that? Offering to do things with her might help . At least she would be out of the house. Sometimes all it takes is for something to shift a bit , and then things start to change. It’s really hard, I know, I’ve been there. It is heart breaking to watch your child just wasting their life. The good thing is that she gets on with you, she talks to you. You know she’s safe and warm and fed. She’s working. Those are the positives.

I agree with everything @Marshmallowtoastie has said.

@Chouxpastryishard

There is NHS talking therapies which you can self refer to

Used to be IAPT (improving access to psychological therapies). It now it's this

www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-nhs-talking-therapies-service

My daughter is beautiful kind and loving and myself and hubby adore her . Perhaps you're right I am concentrating on the negatives here ( I've done that in my own life too ) .
People love her ... she lacks confidence

Have you talked to her about how worried you are about her and her missing out on things? What’s her perception of her life?

I think you should leave her alone. It sounds like she works hard and doesn't need you making things difficult for her. If you want to help her maybe you could sign as a guarantor on a mortgage or lend her or gift her a few K for a deposit on a house. She should be able to get one as them hours are practically full time even though technically its a part time contract - won't they just multiply her gross income x 4 to see what she can borrow? She should be able to afford a two bed flat or terrace imo if you just give her a little help.

We've paid for vouncelling in the past for her and I will do anything with her to support something she wanted to do .. I always have hence the exercise angle as it's supposed to be so good for the mind . I've found that the hardest part is getting through the door . Believe me I've had some shitty times changing anti ds etc withdrawal symptoms etc etc so I do understand .
My daughter knows I will do anything to help her but I can't get her to just try or start