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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Hurtful adult daughter

28 replies

Haygran · 25/10/2023 20:55

I was a single mother of 2 children, my daughter, now 34 and my son now 31. Their father was not in their life growing up and was not interested at all. I worked full time and worked an extra job on the evenings too to make ends meet. I did not receive a single penny from their father and they received nothing from him too not even a birthday card! They were age 4 and 1 when I left him because he was violent and had a problem with alcohol …. I worked very hard to give my children everything even a private education and lots of support and love. … My daughter is divorced with a 14 year old son. He was 18 months old when my daughter got divorced. I took him to nursery and school for 7 years and looked after him a lot and did everything I could to help her even paid for his 1st year school fees to help her out. Just a little background on our life. I have planned a holiday next year with my husband and want my children and grandson to come too as it’s a big birthday. However my daughter said she will only come if her dad can go too! Seeing as it’s the country where his ancestors were from. I haven’t had anything to do with him for 25 years and I have remarried with a living husband of 10 years. My son doesn’t want much to do with his dad as he was never there for him and my husband hasn’t really met him either. …. Initially she said she could not really afford it and also won’t have much holiday left and that she didn’t feel like she wanted to go because I did not give her time to think about it… i gave her 15 month’s notice…so I offered to pay for my grandson so she only has herself to pay for. But she never replied to that offer… she has now got her son to message me saying … mum will only come on holiday if her dad can ho too! It’s my birthday celebration that’s totally been ignored and has made it all about what she wants out of the holiday. I’m so hurt and I don’t know how to handle this

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 25/10/2023 20:59

She’s obviously going through something.

Just say no though.

AutumnCrow · 25/10/2023 21:00

You tell her no, not under any circumstances.

No need for continuing drama. Just 'No'.

StBrides · 25/10/2023 21:02

She's being bonkers.

As the others have said, continue refusing, don't fan the drama.

I am sorry she's being so unkind 💐

Original poster
Haygran · 25/10/2023 21:04

Thank you

OP posts:
Mix56 · 25/10/2023 21:05

No, she can come, or not.
She is being a selfish cow

beeny · 25/10/2023 21:06

Just say no, you sound amazing !

BeetleDeuce · 25/10/2023 21:06

it sounds like she doesn’t want to come. I’d just reply with something like “That’s a lovely thought but not this time. Maybe you and your dad could go together sometime.”

It’s a NO from her. I think that’s fine. Family holidays where you have to pay for yourself are always a bit of a burden and rarely what you would choose. Enjoy your holiday!

MissyB1 · 25/10/2023 21:08

Firm but calm “no that will not be happening”.
She sounds like a selfish madam.

Balloonhearts · 25/10/2023 21:08

I'd give it to her straight and both barrels. Selfish little cow.

Say no thank you, it's my birthday trip and I want to spend it with my family, not my violent ex. If you would rather spend your time with the father who hit his wife and abandoned his 3 year old than your mother who has always supported you then I really can't help you.

Stomacharmeleon · 25/10/2023 21:09

She is being ridiculous. I wouldn't even reply to that and if you get another message say ' I thought you were joking'
The offer is there for your grandson but if it's a no then go and enjoy yourself.
It's nuts. She will come to realise that as well.

Original poster
Haygran · 25/10/2023 21:11

It was my grandson who messaged me saying … mum said she will go if her dad can go too… I don’t want to reply to my grandson and get him involved as he doesn’t understand. She hasn’t said this to me directly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haygran · 25/10/2023 21:14

It was my grandson who messaged me saying … mum said she will go if her dad can go too… I don’t want to reply to my grandson and get him involved as he doesn’t understand. She hasn’t said this to me directly.

OP posts:
BarbDwyerHair · 25/10/2023 21:14

I'm not sure you can demand she goes on holiday with you and pays for herself. Does your birthday celebration need to be huge and demanding of others? Maybe a meal, weekend at centreparcs?

ssd · 25/10/2023 21:18

You need to ask her directly if what her son said was correct. Then take it from there.

OhcantthInkofaname · 25/10/2023 21:20

Tell her she is: welcome to go at any time with her father. But this trip is for your birthday! You aren't interested in spending anytime with her father.

Quartz2208 · 25/10/2023 21:24

Ok first off this could be lost in translation so you need to talk to her. Ad not ignore the fact it will use up a lot of holiday and as a single parent be expensive for her you are asking a lot.

is she in contact with her father - if it is his country of origin that too could be awkward for her.

take some time to see things from her perspective before going in and talking and remember you are inviting her it isn’t something she has to do

nibblessquibbles · 25/10/2023 21:27

This is mental. It's your birthday and you are long divorced. What on earth makes her think you want your ex there !

I think you need to message her and say "dgs has said you only want to go if your Dad comes. Just to be clear, i am not inviting your dad on my birthday trip as this is my special time to spend with people I love. He is my ex and I'm delighted you get on with him but we are divorced and have new lives now and I do not have happy memories of my marriage so it is just not someone I want to spend my special day with. But I really would love to have you there and also dgs and happy to contribute to your travel costs as I mentioned. "

Hope she sees sense !

WeeStyleIcon · 25/10/2023 21:28

That's strange, why would you take yr x husband on holiday. Tell her she can pay to have a holiday and treat her father.

Lovingitallnow · 25/10/2023 21:29

Does she want your ex SIL to come too?

user14699084664 · 25/10/2023 21:33

Lovingitallnow · 25/10/2023 21:29

Does she want your ex SIL to come too?

Good idea!😂
OP this seems so bizarre that your grandson must have got got his wires crossed?

justasmalltownmum · 25/10/2023 21:45

Tell the grandson, tell mum to speak to me.
Then when she speaks to you, say no.

adriftinadenofvipers · 25/10/2023 21:52

Is she batshit crazy? The man who neglected her basically all of her life - and she wants to take him on holiday when you and he are long divorced? What's the matter with her??

Would it change things if you went somewhere else? (not that you should have to).

How much contact does she even have with her sperm donor?

Original poster
Haygran · 25/10/2023 22:49

No unfortunately he didn’t get his wires crossed. Reading all the replies I think she has huge issues. I can’t believe she thinks it’s acceptable to suggest such a hurtful thing. It’s not the first time either. However this is the most hurtful

OP posts:
overwhelmed2023 · 25/10/2023 22:58

Speak to her directly say no he's not coming!

Circumferences · 25/10/2023 23:05

She's being hurtful because she is clearly hurting.
Suggest therapy.