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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Adult son money problems

34 replies

Breakingpoint1961 · 16/10/2023 17:02

Bailed him out many times, but still continues to rack up debts. He's depressed but functions to go to work. I am at my wits end, letters coming through all the time. He doesn't pay keep at the moment as I thought I'd let him off to sort stuff out (which he hasn't been) but I'm totally fed up and bogged down by it.

Should I ask for keep (because I'm on my own and can't afford to keep him) and let him rack his debts up and deal with them himself? He doesn't listen to a word I say

OP posts:

caringcarer · 16/10/2023 18:18

It depends how old he is I think if under 22 then I'd carry on trying to help him. If over 22 then unless he has a disability I'd ask him to move into a shared house. He'd have to pay his rent 😭 and buy food.

Hohofortherobbers · 16/10/2023 19:28

I don't see how he'll learn unless he faces the consequences. Can you warn him you won't be bailing him out again and request housekeeping, then stick to it? You won't be able to give in, you'll need to stick to it.

Chickolot · 16/10/2023 19:31

Request it, but save it away for him. Then insist he uses it to pay his debts. Not sure if hell learn anything from that, but at least you'd sort of help him.

1975wasthebest · 16/10/2023 19:47

Why are you letting him stay for free when you can’t afford it? Tell him to pay his way or find a houseshare. Your quality of life is suffering by supporting him to a ridiculous degree.

Original poster

Breakingpoint1961 · 16/10/2023 21:36

He is 25. Thank you for all your replies, I at least know I'm not being mean for thinking exactly the things you've all said.

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SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 17/10/2023 07:28

Is he getting any help with the depression @Breakingpoint1961?

Could you sit down with him either at home or somewhere like a coffee shop and explain that you can no longer afford to house him as though he's a child. He either needs to contribute or move out. If he were to move out, could you downsize or get a lodger?

I wouldn't help him financially anymore but I would help him with his depression and sorting out his debts.

Do you know how much his debts are for? Has he got a copy of his credit report to see if there are any CCJs?

Original poster

Breakingpoint1961 · 17/10/2023 07:34

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto he has just started meds, I'm not keen but if he feels better then he'll be more motivated to sort things out. He's also on a waiting list for counselling.

He's difficult to talk to in some respects, but I have told him I will no longer keep him, or bail him out, though I will always be there to support him.

I could ask him to move out I know, but with his very low mood, I think that would be counterproductive.

Debts are not astronomical (or so he says) but he's not keeping up regular payments. No CCJ thus far.

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SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 17/10/2023 07:36

Forgot to mention, there are different options depending on his level of debt. For instance if the dent is under £5k and he has a CCJ he could get an Administration Order. Another option might be a Debt Relief Order.

Both would be on his credit file for 6 years but it sounds as though his credit score is messed up anyway.

I'd get him to speak to a charity that doesn't charge like Stepchange or Christians Against Poverty

Littlefish · 17/10/2023 07:40

Why on earth would you not be keen on him taking medication which may help to improve his medical condition?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 17/10/2023 07:41

Cross Oates with you there. Is there a reason that you're not keen on the meds? Can you encourage him with some other small things that might help him recover like eating a little better and a short daily walk?

If his debts are astronomical, I think he needs to find out how much he's talking about. A good starting point would be to contact all of his creditors and ask them for s letter stating exactly how much he owes.

Once you've compiled these, you'll both have a better idea of exactly what he owes and to whom and he can use the information in conjunction with Stepchange or CAP to come up with a plan to be debt free.

It's perfectly acceptable to have him still pay you as rent is a legitimate outlay in any debt recovery plan, in fact it would be odd not to see it on there.

RaininSummer · 17/10/2023 07:45

If he works and has no housing costs, what is he spending so much on? That is concerning

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 17/10/2023 15:46

*Cross post.

I hope you're able to sit with him tonight and at least start to gather the information together on what he owes.

See if you can get him to apply for Breathing Space if he hadn't already done so. It's literally what it says, it's a break from his debts for a short while to give him time to assess and sort out a plan moving forward. I would suggest that he only applies though if he really is going to try and engage and get some professional debt advice.

I've mentioned Stepchange already. Their website is here and the one for Christians Against Poverty is here.

I'm not surprised he's got a low mood, he must be being hounded by the Companies that he owes money too.

Has he considered contacting his local Mind? Even if he doesn't a want to, I would suggest that you talk to them about how to support him.

Original poster

Breakingpoint1961 · 17/10/2023 22:44

Thank you all for you replies, especially @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto for the links.

I. I have spoken to him before, very very difficult as he won't be completely honest.

He is taking drugs, hence the spending of money.
Meds. I think he has an addictive personality, so concerned they won't be just 'for now' but will be for life, not what I envisaged for him.

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SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 18/10/2023 06:56

If he's on drugs that must be so hard for you. Are you getting any support through anywhere like Adfam? If you google "support for families of drug addicts" quite a few organisations come up.

I think the drug taking is a far bigger problem than the debt and yes, if you can no longer afford to keep him then he should pay rent or move out. Things never seem quite that simple though do they?

Just one last thing, if he's depressed and taking drugs and has "an addictive personality" is he NT? Was ADHD ever mentioned at school?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 18/10/2023 08:21

Is there a reason that you are so against him taking AD's as well? They are not like the tranquillisers that used to be prescribed. They are prescribed because the GP/HCP thinks he has a deficiency of Serotonin and it doesn't matter if he does stay on them long term.

If he does have ADHD though, that's more a lack of Dopamine and he may be seeking Dopamine through his drug taking.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/10/2023 22:21

Bit of a drip feed there with the drugs thing. Solving that issue needs to be top of the list otherwise none of the other issues will get resolved.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/10/2023 22:23

What are the debts for? Does he owe dealers money?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2023 22:26

Show him the door. All you're doing now is enabling him.

Tell him how much you love him, but you refuse to play a part in his destructive lifestyle.

He will never, ever get his shit together so long as you provide the safety net to fall back on.

Spendysis · 23/10/2023 23:18

help and support him dealing with his debts but don’t keep bailing him out enabling him he needs to learn the consequences to his behaviour. My dm has constantly bailed out my older dsis who despite having a good job is totally reckless with money books holidays she can’t afford changes her car spends £4k on a gazebo dm paid £14k for life saving surgery which was weight loss despite being upto her eyes in debt because she knows dm will always help her out. She’s 51 now 3 mortgages on her house in arrears 1 being interest only with no endownment dm is 83 not in great health but still has capacity so dsis has downloaded her banking app and is helping herself to fund her lifestyle. 10k in 6 months He needs to learn to be an adult and live within his means

Original poster

Breakingpoint1961 · 24/10/2023 07:32

Thanks for all the responses.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto he has recently started sertraline which is making him feel worse (I know that is common) so see how he goes and if the side effects don't wear off try another one.

He doesn't owe a dealer money. He doesn't earn a great salary, so he's not living within his means.

I am not bailing him out anymore, we have discussed that. He will need to speak with debt management, currently he is at least meeting any basic payments.

I wish I could 'show him the door' unfortunately I'd be constantly worrying whether he'd do something to himself, I'd never forgive myself.

There's a reason he is using drugs, won't tell me, but it's about how he feels about himself, that's all I know. If he can feel better with the ADs then he may find motivation within to help his situation.

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Nothankyou22 · 24/10/2023 07:40

My older brother had an addictive personality if it wasn’t drugs or gambling it was drink. 17 years it took to get under control because out the house he didn’t have anyone on his case so I don’t think turfing him out will help anyone.
Nothing will help until he gets professional help, he needs a debt plan and then cbt, counselling or similar.

CrochetedOwl · 24/10/2023 07:42

Ashamed to say he sounds exactly like me at that age. I was always crap with money, knew my dad would bail me out if needed, had no respect for him for bailing me out so then never felt guilty asking him to bail me out (I know, I know) A lot of it was due to childhood trauma and my relationship with him (not excusing just explaining) I knew I was drowning but I could never have spoken to my dad about it. It took me sleeping in a car with my dc (not proud of that!) for me to realise that I am a grown up and I have to get a handle on shit. I am raising my dc with total awareness of money - they know the lot, how much I get paid, what bills have to come out of my pay etc they know to save and to be savvy. Bizarrely my dad, for the first time in my life, told me how proud he is of me for raising my kids to be money away and independent

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 24/10/2023 16:10

Sounds so difficult.

If he wet tell you what the reason is, is he willing to talk to a Counsellor. Counselling might help him along with the Sertraline.

How long does he realistically think he can manage the minimum payments for?

Original poster

Breakingpoint1961 · 24/10/2023 20:48

@Nothankyou22 I agree that telling him to leave is not the right thing at the moment. Trying to get him on an even keel is. Professional help is certainly the way forward, it's getting it that's the problem.

@CrochetedOwl thanks for your very honest post. Well done for turning things around, that also shows me there's hope, I wish you well.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto the wait for counselling is crazy, it is out of the question going privately, I am looking at other avenues. His dad and I split when he was about 9, he was involved up until the age of 14/15. To be honest his father is a loser anyway, and not really interested in his kids (I have an older DC) and I think this is part of the problem, he is surrounded by his friends with dads, there's probably other stuff too, but I'm not party to it. He can continue his payments indefinitely.

OP posts:

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 26/10/2023 19:15

The wait for Counselling is long. When DD was struggling last year we were put in touch with a local charity by the GP who saw her within a month. Is he seeing the GP regularly for repeats of his Sertraline? Could he ask them about Counselling, that's if he wants to do it.

Did you manage to speak to AdFam as well? Sounds as though you need some support

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