Guilty . Am I doing the right thing

[Candlesburningbrightly10]

Never posted before . Not sure where to post this

I wonder what parents think about asking their children to leave home . I have asked SS to take over parental responsibility for my son ( who is nearly 18). There is a long history involving drugs, violence , coercive control of me, lying , stealing , selling family jewellery etc

I am not sure it is relevant but my DS has had a very middle class life enjoying wonderful holidays, happy birthday parties , sport and he has always been provided with a loving and safe family environment . He has ADHD and I fought for a small school that could support him in class . He is smart and intelligent but hasn’t managed to pass many GCSEs. This week at a multi disciplinary meeting involving 6 different professionals including SS he said I ‘ abused him’ , I controlled every aspect of his life, I with held money from him and wouldn’t buy him a house until he was 30. The whole 90 minutes was directed towards me and what an appalling mum I was .

Following the meeting, I asked myself if I could do anything more at all for my DS. The answer was no and I told SS that I would no longer have him at home at weekends and holidays . He boards in the week. I said that mentally I was shot and I had strong suicidal thoughts because all I wanted was to escape him .

I feel a mixture of guilt, relief and real conflict. SS haven’t come up with a plan yet . I honestly don’t feel I can have him here anymore and don’t think I have anything to offer .

What would others do ? What do SS do and when he transfers to Adult Social Services soon , what will they do. I want him to be safe and he can stay at school but isn’t attending lessons and sits in his room playing video games .

He likes the idea of working but over summer did not manage to stick to working hours at all . I am genuinely worried that he will not do anything but take drugs and just become a bigger emotional drain than he already is . I am a single mum and tired and feel very emotional and vulnerable . I honestly can’t manage him anymore . One major problem is he blames everyone else for every single thing in his life . He takes no responsibility at all for anything.

I don’t have much experience of the issues you are dealing with but I just wanted to say that I hear you. Being a single parent is hard at the best of times, but it sounds like you are going through the worst of times. Perhaps they could let you have a respite holiday to enable you to recuperate and put things in perspective? Thanks for posting and I hope things improve.

Most teens blame everyone else for every single thing in their life and take no responsibility at all for anything. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

Don't make any rash decisions here. Social care don't generally let parents just decide not to parent anymore. However, if he's saying your abusive and doesn't want to come home that may change things.

I suspect you're probably feeling very judged amd defensive by the social care involvement. This is the very reason I would pause on making any life changing decisions. If you make him a homeless child the sence of rejection will have profound and massive affects on him for the rest if his life.

He is shocked and doesn't feel attacking me to a multi disciplinary panel was wrong. He totally lied saying things I never tell him I love him etc

I think he thought I would start handing over loads of £ but didn't expect me to say ' Enough'.

It sounds like you might benefit from some family bonding work and parenting support. Hopefully social care will help you.

Do you have a social worker snd a CIN Plan?

I don’t blame you at all for saying ‘enough’. You clearly need and deserve some space. Good luck and do take care of yourself, including seeking support for your own issues.

Sounds awful OP. Maybe he should get a shock. And realise that words and actions have consequences. I’d cut off any money supply. We had a rule for our older adult children, they should either be in work or education, if the only work available is volunteering then we would pay reasonable pocket money same with education. If your son won’t attend lessons or be a useful member of society, I’d cut off his money, if you want him to go into care, better do it quickly

He sounds like my 17 yo son so i get it. He takes no responsibility either. He rejected me, not the other way around. I know that. His choice and noy did he get behind his decision to reject me. I know that he was loved and supported, guided but never controlled. He never witnessed a man treat me badly but as I was single with nobody to back me up, he competed with me to be king of the castle. I ended up being scared of him. He lives with a relative of his now. Thank God.so I certainly don't judge you. I'm not going to ask if anybody I know is judging me. Don't worry more about the opinions of parents who haven't a clue what you've been through.

What are his interests? If he’s sitting in his room all day playing games, the school doesn’t sound a good fit. Might be worth you researching other provisions. The LA will be looking for the most cost effective route even if it’s not quite right for him. Keep your eyes firmly on the EHCP and seek professional advice if required.

Teens can push parents to the edge. Teens with complex needs even more so. You’ve hit breaking point as many parents do and it sounds practical and sensible to strive for a healthier balance for both of you. Sell it to him as a maturity thing, he’s almost 18 and needs to spread his wings as he’s clearly outgrown home.

Hello

Thank you for your messages .

I want you to all know I am a strong woman and have gone above and beyond to bring happiness, stability & balance into his life .

The council sent him to BS to help but he doesn't want to help himself . He only sees me as a means to end .

In 17 years he has never once bought me a card or flowers or any form of present .

I have soldiered on and fought for him appropriately and I have tossed and turned and asked if I can do anymore . There isn't anything because I have exhausted every form of assistance .

He simply does not want to help himself and as I saw on Wed , he has no regard for any of the things I have done .

Because we are relatively well off, he sees it as his right for me to buy him a flat and complained that I would not do this until he is 30. He said 'I abuse him' , control him and he couldn't wait to get away from me . I sat silently in the meeting . I didn't mention his drug use and how he bullies and harasses me . He destroyed a brand new iPhone and the house because I wouldn't give him £.

In short , I have tried everything and he has reduced me to rubble . I can't see any end to the cycle . I am worried because he is nearly 18 and nothing is changing .

I want him to be safe - but in all good conscience would struggle to let him into my life by way of living with me .

Have you had any family therapy? Did he want to board? I don’t think anyone can judge from outside whether it’s you or him but it certainly sounds like there is a lot of anger and resentment and something has gone quite wrong in your relationship

Well he's learnt consequences now.

If you make up lies about someone to try and manipulate it usually backfires. He can stew in it now.

Given I have worked with lots of teens who's parents make them homeless as children, there is significant missed context yo this statement that should be stated

"Because we are relatively well off, he sees it as his right for me to buy him a flat"

As a 17yo child it is YOUR responsibility and role to provide housing and basic care to your children until they are adults.

By telling your child they cannot come home, you are making your child the responsibility of the council (as a looked after child) to house and care for.

Nothing to do with bring spoilt, it is a basic right as a child and entitlement. It's your responsibility as a parent.

So yes, he has every reason to have a go at you If you are both refusing to have him in your home and also refusing to provide him a home. Professionals in that meeting will know that too. You're just washing your hands so someone else (social care) have to pick up the mess left.

You need to step up. Especially so if you know you could afford to house him outside your home. And even if that happens, he will additionally need basic levels of care, parenting and looking after.

Once he turns 18, sadly for your son, all that changes.

It is my responsibility and I have but now I am a mess mentally and exhausted . In the summer whilst we were away, I had to sleep on a sunbed one night because of his abuse .

I have become mentally ill. His short term housing need can be met by the school. If there was a risk of homelessness , I would have him back .

I am not washing my hands . I want to make sure he is safe . I just can't cope mentally anymore and have felt suicidal because I don't feel any end to it.

The thing I picked up on is that when describing what life he’s had the first ones are all material- holidays, parties, sports. So possibly the place to live is symbolic of live if that is how affection has been shown. Also I honestly believe the thing children want most is your time and involvement and yes they can be very unreasonable and selfish when they feel they’re not getting it but that’s their way of expressing it. The desire is a reasonable one, single parenting does take up a lot of your time, even more so if the child has issues but he is still a child in year 13 and your responsibility.

He is going to be 18 in 2 months.

I didn't say anything in the meeting . I said it after the meeting . I said that I couldn't cope with him and his lies and was worried

Why on earth did you not mention the drug use at the multi disciplinary? They are missing an important piece of the puzzle here.

Please don’t refuse to house your child. Fair enough if you can’t have him in the house with you, but don’t make the council responsible for housing him. There are so many kids in way worse situations- running from parents who do abuse them who need those resources

I feel for you. I know how hard it is and I’m also a single parent. I too, have been at the other side of my ds abuse both verbal and physical. If your son is 17 then mentally/emotionally he is approx 4-5 years behind his age.
I am poor ( literally hand to mouth monthly) as I have been unable to work for many years due to my various carer duties and my own recent ill health. Despite that I have things set in place so that my son is cared for with a permanent roof over his head for the rest of his life. I have spent years sorting that out in advance and it is now set in stone. That would have been so much easier if I had had money but I have done it.
It has been very hard so I totally understand but your son needs support, structure, routine and a firm set of boundaries. He needs love and kindness and he needs to be shown that you won’t bend to his nonsense, that the world doesn’t work that way.
He will get very little support when he is 18 unless you fight very hard for it. The services are shockingly stretched.
You need to get support for yourself for your own mental health to help you fight for your son. No one else will.

Sounds like u spoilt him too much as a child and now look how it's turned out. Thwts what happen when u spoil kids

Hi OP, I have ADHD and I left home at 16 (largely due to my own arrogance) so I feel I have something to contribute here.

Stop pandering. He’s behaving appallingly so it’s time for him to be independent now. If it goes well it will be the making of him. If it goes badly it will humble him. Either way you’ll be better off than you are now.

The thing I picked up on is that when describing what life he’s had the first ones are all material- holidays, parties, sports. So possibly the place to live is symbolic of live if that is how affection has been shown. Also I honestly believe the thing children want most is your time and involvement and yes they can be very unreasonable and selfish when they feel they’re not getting it but that’s their way of expressing it.

I had neither material wealth or my mums time and involvement.

All she did was dump adult problems on me, my sisters problems and tell me not to play up too as she had enough on her plate. I felt I was only there to give her what she needed and I didn't matter .

I didn't turn into an abusive piece of shit like the OPs son. High time people stopped making excuses for him.

He is your responsibility whether you like it or not. Most posters are taking what youve said as gospel. We dont know his side. Youve thrown money at him all his life and now you are surprised he wants you to buy him a house. It sounds like you have provided money but not stability. Why did you not speak up in the meetings? He sounds awful but you made him. You both need to take responsibility for how things have turned out.

Hi OP. This sounds very very difficult.

I think some posters are unfairly giving you a hard time and have missed in your OP that you say he grew up in a loving and safe home.

You've mentioned that he uses drugs, is abusive and violent, steals from you and destroys things. I don't see how you can let him back into your home while that behaviour continues. I think you need to let the professionals involved about all of this so that they can try to put some support in place. I expect that once he turns 18 there will be very little support available.

Then it seems logical and rational to me that you'd house him independently in a flat.

Given you can afford to, why aren't you?

Further, you could employ the services of a home help to deply your role of avoiding neglect, by providing hygienic environment and food.

It sounds like you need a break from your son. So if there is the option for him to stay at school, maybe that would be good for you both. Could you go and visit him? So despite him not staying at the weekend he would not feel that you have cut him off.
It doesn't sound like living with you again is particularly in his or your interest, but maybe you can help him to live more independently once he leaves school?
You should be honest with SS about his drug use and abusive behaviour.

Where would it stop? Buy me a house abusive person pay for my life you abusive person pay more you abusive person

She said he grew up in a loving and stable home still ended up on drugs smashed an iPhone because she wouldn't give him money he would absolutely smash up and destroy any home she bought him sounds like he wasn't told no often and is shocked now she says it