Guilty . Am I doing the right thing

[Candlesburningbrightly10]

Never posted before . Not sure where to post this

I wonder what parents think about asking their children to leave home . I have asked SS to take over parental responsibility for my son ( who is nearly 18). There is a long history involving drugs, violence , coercive control of me, lying , stealing , selling family jewellery etc

I am not sure it is relevant but my DS has had a very middle class life enjoying wonderful holidays, happy birthday parties , sport and he has always been provided with a loving and safe family environment . He has ADHD and I fought for a small school that could support him in class . He is smart and intelligent but hasn’t managed to pass many GCSEs. This week at a multi disciplinary meeting involving 6 different professionals including SS he said I ‘ abused him’ , I controlled every aspect of his life, I with held money from him and wouldn’t buy him a house until he was 30. The whole 90 minutes was directed towards me and what an appalling mum I was .

Following the meeting, I asked myself if I could do anything more at all for my DS. The answer was no and I told SS that I would no longer have him at home at weekends and holidays . He boards in the week. I said that mentally I was shot and I had strong suicidal thoughts because all I wanted was to escape him .

I feel a mixture of guilt, relief and real conflict. SS haven’t come up with a plan yet . I honestly don’t feel I can have him here anymore and don’t think I have anything to offer .

What would others do ? What do SS do and when he transfers to Adult Social Services soon , what will they do. I want him to be safe and he can stay at school but isn’t attending lessons and sits in his room playing video games .

He likes the idea of working but over summer did not manage to stick to working hours at all . I am genuinely worried that he will not do anything but take drugs and just become a bigger emotional drain than he already is . I am a single mum and tired and feel very emotional and vulnerable . I honestly can’t manage him anymore . One major problem is he blames everyone else for every single thing in his life . He takes no responsibility at all for anything.

You did the right thing he may end up in a group home for vulnerable adults my friends daughter lives in one she is doing well clean and engaging in life rather than sitting in her own room gaming and refusing to clean herself im not blaming her mom but she outweighed her and very much dominated her financially and physically her sister has flourished since she has gone because her entire existence was "for her sister" and "keeping the peace so she doesn't go off and smash things"

Adult social services threatened to take her out under restraints if she didn't cooperate now she happily visits her mum and goes back to her group home happily its been quite the transformation

Why didn’t you tell the truth in the meeting Op? SS cannot help either of you effectively unless they have the full facts. Can you ask for another meeting?

oh yes let's pander to his bullying and manipulation even more so he becomes even more of a bully and manipulater? great advice!!

@Woush you sound absolutely crazy.

Where would it stop?

Legally, parental responsibility ends when the child turns 18.

"I sat silently in the meeting . I didn't mention his drug use and how he bullies and harasses me . He destroyed a brand new iPhone and the house because I wouldn't give him £."

may I ask why you didn't say this in the meeting? Can you tell them privately? They need to know.

Where would it stop? Buy me a house abusive person pay for my life you abusive person pay more you abusive person

Buying a house/flat and putting it in his name would be a poor choice but the OP is wealthy and can afford to house him elsewhere, whether that he in a different boarding school/college or she buys somewhere and puts it in trust or her name.

But then he gets what he wants and knows he got that from abusing his mother.

He has adhd and is 17/18! He may be an aggressive little shit but he needs help. He will have serious problems with higher executive functioning and he needs help. To all those saying he should be cut off, he has been spoilt etc if he had a serious physical disability would you be saying the same? The drugs are most likely his way of self medicating and while I don’t support their use I do understand why he is using them.
He needs help, support, structure, routine and safety. Not to be abandoned and cut off esp when the family have money to help him

I really feel for you OP. It sounds like a horrendous situation. What are SS actually saying, after his claims?

Given that he’s 18 in two months, would just giving him the heads up that he needs to then move out be a possibility, rather than handing PR to SS now? I totally agree you should not buy him a flat nor pay for him to live elsewhere indefinitely but would an option perhaps be to agree to cover his rent for a finite period of 3/6 months or a year (whatever you thought reasonable) on the understanding that that’s time he needs to use to get on his feet?

That was one of my possible solutions too @Goldfish41 I had a short list.

1. Caravan in the driveway - the neighbours would have loved that but fcku, I considered it. 2) beg social services to take him (no, not enough foster parents and those that exist don't want aggressive teenage boys) and narrowing in on the last thing I had left, pay his rent somewhere for about a year and let him know that the money WILL run out and he needs to find work. I'm not totally broke but no way could I indefinitely pay my children(s) rent.