AIBU to be annoyed that they have such a great life

[HFJ]

Young adults - they earn decent wages, continue to live in your home/‘hotel’, seem to only work part time (because ‘work life balance’), go on lots of holidays, go out for meals, buy nice clothes, zoom about in their brand new cars, eat all the food including the posh sausages, and believe in the loo roll fairy.

The irony is that this is what I hoped to provide, given the miserable start to adult life that I experienced. Work ethic, frugality and hope for a better future saved me.

But wow, thanks to working hard, I get to work harder: no downsizing, weird awkwardness as multiple adults want to use the kitchen, sky high energy bills and always changing empty loo rolls (among other fun housework items). When you broach the topic of, you know, actually taking proper steps to adulthood, it’s ‘I just want to live my best life’

Well I just want to live my ‘best life’ too and that might include walking round the house naked, if I so choose. Except I can’t because the hallway’s busier than Clapham junction.

Sidenote: why does it seem to be the norm for their girlfriends to practically live with us parents of adult males? I already have enough mouths to feed. Also I had a different cultural upbringing: living together was a nice thing and you couldn’t have adult nice things without also having responsibilities such as worrying about the state of the boiler, or paying council tax. Aren’t there any parents of daughters out there wondering where their daughters have disappeared to? 😜

What could I hope for if this is, technically, what I wanted to provide? I guess I was expecting their gratitude, an appreciation that this easy life was not provided by the government, for example. I was expecting a rallying of the nature, ‘gonna save 100k and buy my first flat by the time I’m 21’

Tbf they do their own washing and tidying up. I know other parents have it worse. I also know that house prices are a major barrier to proper adult aspirations.

Is it also social media? Trying to emulate the cushy lifestyle of celebz?

Other mums seems to revel in having adult children, their girlfriends and someimes grandchildren living with them? Seems to be a kind of one-upmanship ‘Oh wait till they’re 28 and the darlings need to come back to live with you after completing a PhD’. Yes, that’s what I always dreamed of, clearly.

Would be keen to hear from parents who feel the same way?

I’m not sure about this. When I left home, and I was encouraged to leave at 18, I genuinely had times where I ended up having to live with a boyfriend when I would’ve been happier/safer on my own as I couldn’t afford to live.

in answer to the OP, I have a young adult son at home. Most of the time I enjoy it, but I am the washing fairy. Apparently he tells other people that he’s never moving out not to me though.

And the girlfriend is always round more here than at hers. She is lovely though

I agree with this. I think you need to put your foot down, OP.

⬆️ wandering round naked would make them move out pretty quickly!!

We never allowed extended stay boyfriends I mean our children were welcome I did washing never begrudged them a holiday etc etc but I'm not a mug I wasn't facilitating a lifestyle choice.

Erm aren't they paying there rent. 4 of us stayed home and worked and we all gave 80 a week which upped over the years to 100 a week. Life ain't free and it doesn't make for responsible adults oh and we all helped with all chores and still had a great life. The only rule to be back in by 1am and not make noise and wake anyone lol

@clarebear111 I agree that the current situation is hard for young adults, but did you read the OP’s description of her DC’s/their partners’ lifestyles?! They’re having a whale of a time while she grafts to pay the household bills!

They're not struggling at all and not preparing to live independently eventually.

Young adults - they earn decent wages, continue to live in your home/‘hotel’, seem to only work part time (because ‘work life balance’), go on lots of holidays, go out for meals, buy nice clothes, zoom about in their brand new cars, eat all the food including the posh sausages, and believe in the loo roll fairy.

Why don’t you give them their marchinv orders?

Just came to say I love your style of writing, it shouldn’t be funny but I’m sorry OP I’m roaring 🤣

Sounds a bit martyrish, as if they are just some random people who invaded your home and started holding you hostage. If it's not working out for you tell them and set some ground rules.

Sounds like there's a fair amount of taking the piss here? Set a realistic figure for rent to cover your costs and maybe get a cleaner and start laying down the law re who stays over, cleaning up after themselves etc. Any complaints, remind them that they do have other options than freeloading off their parents.

Also agree with people saying you are permitting this and need to stand up for yourself and your own space.

If you don't tell them what you want, they'll never know. So I'd explain you want a contribution towards bills, food, rent. No overnights with gfs / limit it to x nights a week. If they don't like it, they could work longer hours and try and rent a flat.

Check out rents in your area. Flats and also houseshares, look at the differences in price for excluding and including bills. You might come to the conclusion you could turn a nice profit charging a near market rent. Being serious for a moment, you can earn a certain amount from lodgers tax free and sometimes it makes sense to do that instead of downsizing.

E.g. around here (Midlands) the cheapest 2 bed house is £850/month in rent, excluding council tax, gas, elecrtic, internet, water etc.

If you want to downsize tell them you are doing it in x time and tell them you hope they find somewhere nice to live.

Get them out op. We had this but eventually 40k from us added to the huge amount they had saved by living with us and paying £50 per month each, which they mainly 'forgot' to pay anyway was enough for a house flat deposit and they are gone. Thank the lord. No calm discussion here though. Threats shouting and tears were the only things that got them moving, pair of entitled gits. But they are gone and they, unlike us look back on their time here with happy memories. The gf who paid for nothing in the two years she lived here, presented me with a mug on the day she left. Presumably because she thought I was one.

That’s really honest of you @Somanycats and well done.

Got a couple of adult kids living with us but to be honest they aren't financially independent, both earn very little thanks to mental health issues and covid messing with their studies (I know some coped, they did not) I'm just concentrating on giving them confidence and life skills, hope to be rid in a year or two, or possibly we'll go travelling and leave them house sitting on condition bills are paid

I look at my colleagues who have grown up children who live with them and wonder. Their DC (mid-late 20s) work part time in dead end jobs, despite having degrees, because THEY CAN. They’re well and truly enabled by mum and dad. If they HAD to work, they could. But they don’t as mummy and daddy are constantly bailing them out. If mine turn out like that, I’d be deeply ashamed. Yes, the world was different going back 20/30 years, but when I finished university 20 years, I rented a room, got a day job and did cleaning for 3 hours in the evening as well. I did not want my parents to provide for me.

Exactly! OP you've spoiled them, and now somehow magically expect them to have the work ethic and drive for independence that you had.

Just tell them you are selling up and downsizing, they have 6 months to find somewhere else to live. Then they'll have to sink or swim.

My step children (23 and 19) live with their mum, 19 year old works hard, is at the early stages of a career with solid plans and wants to move out ASAP.

The 23 year old wants to get on the property ladder as well but has no career plan and works in a job that has nothing to do with the degree they took.

Both refuse to rent, house share or consider anything less than a 4 bed detached as their first home. DH and I have suggested part rent part buy on a flat as a first step and offered to help with deposit if they'd consider it. It's a flat no from both of them.

Come back in 10 years and they will both still be living at their mums. Both have an insane lifestyle. Eat out (I.e pub, restaurant etc) 3 x a week, financed cars, two holidays a year. DH and I on the other hand eat out once a month, rarely get take out and spare cash goes against a mortgage overpayment. It's a different league of not processing the steps that you need to get on the property ladder. To them the ladder doesn't have any lower rungs.

But try suggesting in their presence that they should contribute to a dinner bill on a free UK holiday that we take them on. "I can't, I'm saving for a house deposit".

It shouldn’t be funny, but your description made me laugh out loud, @Somanycats 🤣

The gf who paid for nothing in the two years she lived here, presented me with a mug on the day she left. Presumably because she thought I was one.

Yabu not to have boundaries in your own home. They're acting that way because you let them. It's very expensive for young adults to get on the property ladder now and I'm all for them living at home and saving for that to help them on their way, but they still need to respect the space as a shared space and contribute keep of some sort. I think you need to sit down with them and come up with a list of house rules you can all live by (with them contributing to the rules since they are going to be paying to live there).

classic comment 😂Bloody kids!

Well, you raised them 🤷‍♀️

Not sure where you went wrong, but you can start putting the foot down now. It’s not too late to instill discipline and independence in your children.

I agree @clarebear111 . I don't agree at all with the OP's adult children's attitudes or how they are being so disrespectful but you are right with what you say.
I know a good number who are aged between 20-40 who will never be able to buy and even renting is too much alone as a single person so they are still at home. It's not about how hard you work, home ownership is a pipe dream for many. It's difficult not to get demotivated at that.

I have 2 adult siblings who are both at home with my mum. One is 30 and one is 28. They both have their partners there too. They are forever complaining that they can’t afford to move but one is on almost £40k a year and one is on roughly £24k (not including partners wages). They pay my mum a small amount of rent per month (£150 each) and show no signs of moving out. They have ridiculously overpriced gym memberships, several holidays a year, very nice cars etc. My mums decided to sell her home and downsize and they cannot for the life of them work out why. They are both incredibly annoyed about it.