AIBU to be annoyed that they have such a great life

[HFJ]

Young adults - they earn decent wages, continue to live in your home/‘hotel’, seem to only work part time (because ‘work life balance’), go on lots of holidays, go out for meals, buy nice clothes, zoom about in their brand new cars, eat all the food including the posh sausages, and believe in the loo roll fairy.

The irony is that this is what I hoped to provide, given the miserable start to adult life that I experienced. Work ethic, frugality and hope for a better future saved me.

But wow, thanks to working hard, I get to work harder: no downsizing, weird awkwardness as multiple adults want to use the kitchen, sky high energy bills and always changing empty loo rolls (among other fun housework items). When you broach the topic of, you know, actually taking proper steps to adulthood, it’s ‘I just want to live my best life’

Well I just want to live my ‘best life’ too and that might include walking round the house naked, if I so choose. Except I can’t because the hallway’s busier than Clapham junction.

Sidenote: why does it seem to be the norm for their girlfriends to practically live with us parents of adult males? I already have enough mouths to feed. Also I had a different cultural upbringing: living together was a nice thing and you couldn’t have adult nice things without also having responsibilities such as worrying about the state of the boiler, or paying council tax. Aren’t there any parents of daughters out there wondering where their daughters have disappeared to? 😜

What could I hope for if this is, technically, what I wanted to provide? I guess I was expecting their gratitude, an appreciation that this easy life was not provided by the government, for example. I was expecting a rallying of the nature, ‘gonna save 100k and buy my first flat by the time I’m 21’

Tbf they do their own washing and tidying up. I know other parents have it worse. I also know that house prices are a major barrier to proper adult aspirations.

Is it also social media? Trying to emulate the cushy lifestyle of celebz?

Other mums seems to revel in having adult children, their girlfriends and someimes grandchildren living with them? Seems to be a kind of one-upmanship ‘Oh wait till they’re 28 and the darlings need to come back to live with you after completing a PhD’. Yes, that’s what I always dreamed of, clearly.

Would be keen to hear from parents who feel the same way?

How much do they pay to stay in your house? Do they pay their share of the bills and posh sausages and cover your wear and tear costs? Living at home might be less attractive then (although TBH still better than living in a rented houseshare). You're obviously too welcoming as well, my sister has her daughter's boyfriend and his sister living with them so it's not always parents of boys who have hangers-on in the house.

You can’t have adults living in your house that don’t contribute to rent, bills or food.
and who don’t contribute physically to the household.

but it seems unfair to offer them that, then be annoyed at them when they take that great offer.
Obviously you’d hope they’d want to contribute, but I don’t think you can blame them if that’s never been expected before.

if they paid for what they’re using would you feel better? Maybe they’d move out.

Given the situation thst you’re describing, I’m not surprised that you’re getting cheesed off.

But, as @Maplestars , you need to set the expectation that they’ll contribute financially and that they realize that you do expect them to save/move out eventually.

Have a think about what needs to change and sit down with them to outline the new setup. Acknowledge that you’re changing the “rules,” but explain that you didn’t expect to be subsidizing them at this point and that you’re also considering downsizing in the future.

Working p-t in your 20’s and moving in partners because Mum’s paying all the bills is ridiculous.

I always think with these situations that the parent should charge rent and bills realistic to what the child would pay to rent and live elsewhere, but put it aside for them as savings (if you can afford this or just a proportion if not) present it back to them when they move out. Otherwise they will never understand that not all income is disposable.

We charge our adult DD keep, way cheaper than if she was living independently but... washing stays in the machine/tumble drier/on the line for days and she buys a lot of STUFF. Having said that she's off on a (self financed) gap year at the end of the month and for all the frustrations, I shall miss her terribly... it's a hard one.

If I could live somewhere rent free, do no chores and take no responsibility for my life…I absolutely would!

I think a family meeting is needed. Living with other adults is not the same as having your children at home. Now they are adults, some adulting is required. I’m not sure I realised this until I moved away with work and now I realise what a pisstaker I was! They need this explaining

That would also bother me. In your shoes I would set out a roadmap to downsizing in 1-2 years. If finances allow, you can give them some money for a flat deposit, then they are on their own. In the long term you are doing them a favour as they need to learn adult life skills such as budgeting and making do if they are going to thrive in life.

My DSiS had her boys at home with their GF’s. I think because parents of boys are more permissive.

I'd be so disappointed if mine weren't grafters.

This is one of the reasons I plan to downsize to a modest 1 bed flat and gift a hefty deposit to my DS when he's an adult. On the one hand, it's here have a chunk of your inheritance now and on another it will set him up for independence.

You’re not helping their longterm survival. At the very least they need to be saving everything rather than spend spend spend

And free me to walk about naked with 12 cats

I do not envy young people at all. Stagnant wages, insane property prices, poor job security, poor pensions, a crumbling healthcare system, student debt and on it goes.

It is out of the reach of most young people to own their own homes, unless they have an awful lot of help. A lot of them have worked that out already. It would make me feel hopeless to know that, however hard I worked, my dreams of home ownership would never materialise.

I think older generations might do well to remember that, whilst of course they scrimped and saved and worked hard, they knew that ultimately they would own a nice home and have a comfortable standard of living at the end of it. Young people do not have those guarantees, irrespective of how hard they work, unless they have the cushion of independent wealth. The social contract isn't working for them.

If you are irritated because your children and their partners are living with you, of course you are well within your rights to ask them to leave. But I wouldn't envy them the world they have inherited.

As the parent of two adult DDs, I don’t recognise anything you’ve posted.

Both of mine moved out after university. If they’d ever wanted to move back there would be rules, money would be handed over by them to us and there certainly would not be treating our home like a hotel.

Your children are treating you awfully, however you are letting them! It’s you’re own fault.

Are they really?

If it were me, I could accept supporting my children living at home, but not any girlfriends. No girlfriends staying over, ever. Not even for one night.

It's one thing living with your own children, another entirely to live with other adults, especially if these adults are eating my food and running up my bills. If they want to cohabit, they can find themselves a flat and pay for themselves like every other adult has to.

You're living in a recipe for a nightmare.

Start the naked thing. I reckon they'll leave quite quickly!

Seriously though, you need to tell them. Put some boundaries in. Set them a deadline for moving out. New rules. Mum matters too and deserves her own life.

I think so, clearly only my anecdotal evidence available though! It seems to me girls move in more. I used to spend more time at my BF at that age too.

I have 2 adult children and bugger that they both had moved out by 25/6 1 has bought their own place. I recognise non of what you are saying because I wouldn't allow them to treat me like this. It's time they moved on Op this Is on you.

I absolutely agree with you.

You don’t have to put up with this.

for starters, moving in together is a privilege that comes from saving up your money and getting your own place.

Unless you offspring are paying you market rate rent, they should have incredible savings built up in a very short amount of time.

if they don’t have huge savings within months, then you need to make saving a condition of living in your house. Make them hand over the money to you and you put it into an account if you must. Living at home isn’t the time to have tons of disposable income, it’s the time to quickly save rental or purchase deposits.

What would your best life look like op? I think you should give that serious thought and then start moving in that direction.

For some people, that is multi generational living. My sil revels in having her adult dc living with her. But there’s nothing remotely wrong in having other aspirations.

I’d be tempted to put the house up for sale to kickstart a discussion. Announce you’re moving to a new city, and naturally they’re all welcome to come with you, but as the bill payer you have the final decision about where those bills are paid.

OP would you consider selling, downsizing and giving them money for deposits on their own starter homes?

You are allowing this. Stop doing it all, charge proper rent and don’t allow partners to live there!!! Sounds like a nightmare!