Adult Dd hates me and right now I don’t like her very much either. Very long, sorry.

[DDstress]

She’s 22yo, just finished uni. Lives at home, lived at home all through uni. Still married to her dad. No other kids.

I really don’t know where it went wrong. We seemed to get on fine, days out, doing stuff, etc till she was about 16yo. Then she got more distant but thought well this happens, she’s out with friends, etc, it’s normal.

she’s always been well behaved and worked hard, done well at school, etc with no pressure from us.

I offered to pay for her to live in halls at uni but she declined, we let her do what she liked and never interfered with her life or gave her any house rules.

If I’m honest she’s been spoilt. Certainly financially. If she wants something she pretty much gets it. 2k laptop for uni (said she needed a high spec), expensive desktop, upgrading stuff on her desktop computer, driving lessons, 6k car. Pay all her insurance, tax, car bills. She has a part time job so didn’t need an allowance while at uni as she got wages plus her student loan.

we paid for her to go on a course to Italy which cost us 3k this summer, it was Paris with a friend the year before that. She said to me yesterday that she wants a new laptop for Xmas.

she had a boyfriend while at uni and they split up at Xmas. Her choice. From what I saw she was vile to him, but she said he was horrible to her beh8nd closed doors. She dumped him, I sympathised. Since then she seems in a foul mood constantly

If anything goes wrong she has a meltdown, rages, shouts at me and rages (dh keeps out the way).

she was dog sitting a few weeks ago and rang me at work saying she needed £80 now as she was booking her speed awareness course and had no money as she’d spent it all on food as was living at this house she was dog sitting at. At no point did she clearly say to me she needed money for food. I transferred the £80, told her I couldn’t buy food for two households but there was plenty of stuff here (5 miles away) she could come and get. She slammed the phone down on me. A few weeks before this I told her she needed to sign on for universal credit but she has refused.

so she went to Italy for three weeks. Came back and said she has sorted out an au pair job and as soon as she can is leaving. She’s having a nightmare sorting out the visa, I have been googling and trying to help and she had a meltdown today.

Said she is doing it “all on my own”. I pointed out I’ve been trying to help and have actually found out how to book the visa appt today and while she was on the phone to me with her encouragement booked the appointment. She is now raging at me for booking at . She then said she hasn’t booked the language course which she needs to do to get a certificate for her visa. I’d given her £500 towards an £800 course a few days ago and yesterday she told me she’d booked it. Turns out that was a lie. She doesn’t want that language school as she’s heard the govt have clocked that it gives out dodgy visa letter (she should be at the school for the whole year but £800 is about 4 weeks of lessons but they will do you a letter saying it’s a year). So she needs to pay 3k for a better language school.

I said I’m not paying 3k for a language school for her. She’s been shouting at me. Saying how much she hates me, that she’s leaving the country because she wants to get away from me. That I’m emotionally abusive. That I was emotionally abusive at Xmas. I asked her to give me one example and she can’t remember. She says we’re a dysfunctional fucked up family and she can’t wait to leave and she’s never coming back. I said fine, if that’s the way you feel then go. She’s screaming that she’s trying but can’t afford to.

She said her whole childhood has been emotionally abusive, that she’s always been unhappy. That I have never supported her. I pointed out all the stuff we’ve done, from paying for tutors, paying for counsellors, helping her write appeal letters when she was nearly kicked out of uni for failing a year, all the financial help. Or she can say is that I give her money so I can throw it back in her face. But I don’t throw it in her face, but I will defend myself trying to give examples of when I think we have supported her.

she was angry because I made a cake this afternoon as she wanted to make one, but she’d just got in after driving a 4 mile round trip to the embassy and not getting seen. So I thought I’d do something nice and that she wanted actual cake, not to be making the cake herself. She’d mentioned about cake yesterday so I was trying to do something nice for her.

my friends say she bullies me. She seems as nice as pie when she wants something, and angry and nasty when she doesn’t get her own way.

she works at the gym I go to and she told staff there that I’d kicked her out after Xmas (she went to live with friends for a few months ) and that her dad had hit her. Which is all lies. I confronted her about that for the first time today and asked her why she lied because it’s embarrassing as I know her colleagues and they asked me about it. She was backtracking and said that her dad did hit her (he smacked her when she was about 6yo and I said no more and he hasn’t). She reckons when she told work that she was referring to that. Which is bullshit. I told her I hadn’t kicked her out and she denied telling work that which I think is also bullshit.

She seems to like being the victim. There’s been minor examples of this with friends, etc where I think she’s said something about them which isn’t true. That they’ve done xyz to her. Im actually beginning to wonder if she has s9me sort of personality disorder. The friends she stayed with im sure she told them I kicked her out. She gets on very well with her (now ex) lecturers at uni and im sure she’s told them this. Her graduation is next week and she hasn’t invited us to it. She wants everyone to feel sorry for her and run round after her.

I to,d her im sad she feels this way but if it’s how she feels then she should go and pointed out I prefer it when she’s not here. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.

she’s stormed off now, im sure to go and tell someone how abusive I am to her and probably try and find somewhere else to move to. She has 24k in a bank account which I’d saved for her as a child for a house deposit. I told her if she needs money for expensive Italian language courses she will have to start using her money. Am I right?

She's 22!!! She needs to get a job seeing as shes finished uni. Stop giving her money and buying her expensive laptops. What does dad think about all this? At 22 I lived in a house paying bills, worked 2 jobs and didn't rely on my parents at all.

She's a spoilt brat. You've created a monster. She needs to fuck off abroad. Stop enabling her.
And why TF are people using ND as an excuse for entitled, vile, bratty, behaviour?

i've lived through similar and it's really sad as it's had some permanent effects on the whole family including one of her uncles.
dd's siblings rarely engage with her and 15+ years on i don't trust her to not become the off the rails self centered mess that she was for those post uni years.
the reality is the whole family probably could use some therapy to move past the events.
positive thoughts to the many parents going through tough times with their young adults transitioning to being self sufficient.

A thread full of posters missing the fact she’s got PTSD and an absent, uninvolved Father. Plus calling her “a monster”. No she is NOT a monster, she’s someone who needs help for her PTSD.
@DDstress ignore those calling your DD names and get her some proper help for her PTSD and the fact she has an absent father. I actually think she takes all her issues out on you because she’s so close to you. She hasn’t ever been able to get any support from her dad.

This sounds sensible of your mum.

Far from being harsh - she was showing you respect by treating you as an adult and confidence in your maturity.

I am sure this helped you and her have a good relationship?

@coffeeandcake00 Clearly this is a sensible approach, but weren't you already a high functioning young person? OP's daughter is not so she wouldn't be able to simply comply with all these rules.

The thing is there are so many young adults now who have multiple issues. Mental health, various diagnoses ,
PTSD etc. I’m sure young people int he past struggled with lots of issues too but they were expected to manage and become adults with responsibilities anyway.
I struggled with lots of things as a young adult but my parents expected me to get on with things. Their job was done as they saw it. Parents really should not have to bail their adult kids out financially or micro manage their lives. Otherwise what chance is there for parents to enjoy the end of their lives after years of putting their kids first when they were younger?

It seems that adults take SO long to grow up now. They are infantilised and indulged at the expense of their own parents mental and physical health.
something has to change.

This is true, but it's a case of 'we are where we are'. Parents in the past generally expected and demanded a level of responsibility from much younger ages. So you were in a completely different starting position to deal with trauma, mental health problems etc, at 18 than this girl was.

Yes people are incredibly lazy and irresponsible. But you know she may well have PTSD and emotional problems caused by an absent father but also be extremely spoiled and a bully. There's a degree to which at 22 you do have some free will. I agree she's targeting her mum because she actually does trust her and knows she loves her.

OP The moment you were strong ie said you had had enough and didn’t offer money to solve something, your daughter became calmer and was able to apologise and do a little explaining. So a good sign. She recognises she needs help ie someone to talk to and has been seeing a counsellor at uni. It’s not always easy for young people to discuss their feelings with parents. Quite often because their feelings are bound up in family dynamics. No one’s fault, blaming gets nowhere. Your daughter is not a monster, you are not a bad mum. You gave her things/money with good intentions and reasons of your own. I have worked with university students who are kind thoughtful human beings but can behave like “a monster” at times. They usually hate this in themselves and are desperate to talk about their feelings, even though it doesn’t appear this way. I hope she continues to see the counsellor. In the meantime continue to be firm but there for her when she needs you, not money.

Sounds possibly neurodiverse with other issues on top - some sort of personality disorder.
That aside, this isn’t sustainable for you. She needs to leave.

@BumpyaDaisyevna yes I do feel that I have a great relationship with my Mum. We meet up regularly and she adores her grandchildren. I think my Mum taking the stance she did helped us to transition to a new phase in our mother/daughter relationship and also helped me to become confident as a young adult as I had my own job and my own money. We still had our issues, being a young twenty something who had just got her degree I of course thought I knew better than everyone!

@Onelifeonly yes you are right. Every young adult is different and maybe the OP's daughter would find this approach difficult, but surely some of the points might be a start? Of course I say this with so much confidence, yet my children are all under the age of five so maybe check back in with me in twenty years! Also, the point where my Mum made it a condition of living it at hone that I needed to set aside some of wages each month to be able to move out is in practice a bit laughable now. When my DH and I moved into our first flat at 22 we paid 500 pound a month for a modest one bedroom. This was fifteen years ago and the same flat rents for 1000 pound a month now!

Just picking up on the cake issue op- you made a cake for her after her long day. Instead of being grateful, She went mad because she wanted to make a cake and you’ve then said she can throw yours away and make a new one?! This is madness! You’re pandering to her every whim and I’m sorry but you’ve created a monster

Although I do take the view OP's dd has genuine needs and difficulties, I also agree with this. Firm boundaries really help and it does sound like OP is bending over backwards to placate her daughter, which unfortunately will lead to lack of respect from her.

One of mine can be very pushy and emotional with demands and due to our worries re her MH, it can feel difficult to say no. But DH and I have been working on it and even though dd can present herself as being in a major crisis situation, she actually quickly backs down if we stay strong. (So not a crisis after all.....) And, depending on what it is, often solves it herself.

But OP suggested throwing OP's cake away. That's actually quite manipulative of the OP.
DD mentions wanting to make a cake (which is very different from buying or eating a cake - it's the process that is therapeutic for lots of people). But when DD gets home, OP has made a cake. Now instead of the cake making being therapeutic OP's DD has to manage OP's emotions and OP compounds it by playing the victim and offering to throw away her cake. Really she should have listened to her DD in the first place and not made a cake.
But if OP isn't a good listener, is constantly distracted then when DD got home and OP realised her mistake, she should have apologised. There is nothing worse than an adult - whether friend or family - constantly doing 'stuff' that is actually about them then pretending someone else is ungrateful when they never asked for it in the first place.

Yeah maybe if the dd was 10 I would agree. Although I wouldn’t be apologising for daring to make a cake for one of my kids. At age 22, the dd should realise that op has made a mistake with good intentions and move on, not have a massive strop.

It is quite possible to be Neurodivergent AND spoiled. But I'm not on board for jumping on and giving OP'S daughter a kicking. I think there is more to this than just brattishness and it's worth investigating.

Ps:I have ADHD and was categorically not spoiled. I just wonder is there more to this and sadly I suspect there is. Probably neurodiversity plus a reactive mum, an emotionally unavailable dad and some very inconsistent boundaries. None of which is your daughter's fault OP and it will take time for her to adapt and moderate her behaviour just as you are having to adapt yours. Creating healthy boundaries and getting her support will be a good place to start.

i think the cake thing is so weird and controlling(?), the daughter didn’t just mention it in passing, she specifically asked OP to get ingredients with the shopping so she could make the cake herself, but OP decided to override all that and use the ingredients to make it herself. THEN has used it as an example of how ungrateful her DD is?? Wtf? Who does that?! It makes me wonder what the other side of the story really is on all this stuff.

it doesn’t sound like OP listens to her daughter at all, but just tells her what she should do and how she should feel, and wonders why they have such a strained relationship?

I think everyone is making a massive deal about the cake. It's hardly evidence of a toxic relationship.

It’s just really weird to me, and correlates with some of the other things that OP is referring to in how her daughter has told her she doesn’t feel that she’s being listened to, or that she doesn’t think her feelings are validated.

if it was just that on its own I wouldn’t think anything of it, but that, along with everything else and OP completely minimising the struggles her DD has actually had, preferring to just call her a spoilt entitled brat, paints a bit of a picture to be fair.