She’s 22yo, just finished uni. Lives at home, lived at home all through uni. Still married to her dad. No other kids.
I really don’t know where it went wrong. We seemed to get on fine, days out, doing stuff, etc till she was about 16yo. Then she got more distant but thought well this happens, she’s out with friends, etc, it’s normal.
she’s always been well behaved and worked hard, done well at school, etc with no pressure from us.
I offered to pay for her to live in halls at uni but she declined, we let her do what she liked and never interfered with her life or gave her any house rules.
If I’m honest she’s been spoilt. Certainly financially. If she wants something she pretty much gets it. 2k laptop for uni (said she needed a high spec), expensive desktop, upgrading stuff on her desktop computer, driving lessons, 6k car. Pay all her insurance, tax, car bills. She has a part time job so didn’t need an allowance while at uni as she got wages plus her student loan.
we paid for her to go on a course to Italy which cost us 3k this summer, it was Paris with a friend the year before that. She said to me yesterday that she wants a new laptop for Xmas.
she had a boyfriend while at uni and they split up at Xmas. Her choice. From what I saw she was vile to him, but she said he was horrible to her beh8nd closed doors. She dumped him, I sympathised. Since then she seems in a foul mood constantly
If anything goes wrong she has a meltdown, rages, shouts at me and rages (dh keeps out the way).
she was dog sitting a few weeks ago and rang me at work saying she needed £80 now as she was booking her speed awareness course and had no money as she’d spent it all on food as was living at this house she was dog sitting at. At no point did she clearly say to me she needed money for food. I transferred the £80, told her I couldn’t buy food for two households but there was plenty of stuff here (5 miles away) she could come and get. She slammed the phone down on me. A few weeks before this I told her she needed to sign on for universal credit but she has refused.
so she went to Italy for three weeks. Came back and said she has sorted out an au pair job and as soon as she can is leaving. She’s having a nightmare sorting out the visa, I have been googling and trying to help and she had a meltdown today.
Said she is doing it “all on my own”. I pointed out I’ve been trying to help and have actually found out how to book the visa appt today and while she was on the phone to me with her encouragement booked the appointment. She is now raging at me for booking at . She then said she hasn’t booked the language course which she needs to do to get a certificate for her visa. I’d given her £500 towards an £800 course a few days ago and yesterday she told me she’d booked it. Turns out that was a lie. She doesn’t want that language school as she’s heard the govt have clocked that it gives out dodgy visa letter (she should be at the school for the whole year but £800 is about 4 weeks of lessons but they will do you a letter saying it’s a year). So she needs to pay 3k for a better language school.
I said I’m not paying 3k for a language school for her. She’s been shouting at me. Saying how much she hates me, that she’s leaving the country because she wants to get away from me. That I’m emotionally abusive. That I was emotionally abusive at Xmas. I asked her to give me one example and she can’t remember. She says we’re a dysfunctional fucked up family and she can’t wait to leave and she’s never coming back. I said fine, if that’s the way you feel then go. She’s screaming that she’s trying but can’t afford to.
She said her whole childhood has been emotionally abusive, that she’s always been unhappy. That I have never supported her. I pointed out all the stuff we’ve done, from paying for tutors, paying for counsellors, helping her write appeal letters when she was nearly kicked out of uni for failing a year, all the financial help. Or she can say is that I give her money so I can throw it back in her face. But I don’t throw it in her face, but I will defend myself trying to give examples of when I think we have supported her.
she was angry because I made a cake this afternoon as she wanted to make one, but she’d just got in after driving a 4 mile round trip to the embassy and not getting seen. So I thought I’d do something nice and that she wanted actual cake, not to be making the cake herself. She’d mentioned about cake yesterday so I was trying to do something nice for her.
my friends say she bullies me. She seems as nice as pie when she wants something, and angry and nasty when she doesn’t get her own way.
she works at the gym I go to and she told staff there that I’d kicked her out after Xmas (she went to live with friends for a few months ) and that her dad had hit her. Which is all lies. I confronted her about that for the first time today and asked her why she lied because it’s embarrassing as I know her colleagues and they asked me about it. She was backtracking and said that her dad did hit her (he smacked her when she was about 6yo and I said no more and he hasn’t). She reckons when she told work that she was referring to that. Which is bullshit. I told her I hadn’t kicked her out and she denied telling work that which I think is also bullshit.
She seems to like being the victim. There’s been minor examples of this with friends, etc where I think she’s said something about them which isn’t true. That they’ve done xyz to her. Im actually beginning to wonder if she has s9me sort of personality disorder. The friends she stayed with im sure she told them I kicked her out. She gets on very well with her (now ex) lecturers at uni and im sure she’s told them this. Her graduation is next week and she hasn’t invited us to it. She wants everyone to feel sorry for her and run round after her.
I to,d her im sad she feels this way but if it’s how she feels then she should go and pointed out I prefer it when she’s not here. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.
she’s stormed off now, im sure to go and tell someone how abusive I am to her and probably try and find somewhere else to move to. She has 24k in a bank account which I’d saved for her as a child for a house deposit. I told her if she needs money for expensive Italian language courses she will have to start using her money. Am I right?