Would you be upset if your adult child didn’t attend your second wedding?

[perfectsoundok]

I’m the adult child. I have my reasons, which are compelling, but I wonder if I should be the bigger person and quash my feelings of discomfort and upset.

I’m genuinely keeping on open mind here (and deliberately leaving out context) as I have no one to ask who isn’t obviously biased towards my point of view. So your input is welcome!

It would entirely depend on whether the relationship was responsible for breaking up my parents’ marriage.

Well, yes I mean presumably they will be upset. But whether yabu entirely depends on what your "reasons" are.
New spouse is abusive and you have implored your parent to please not marry them? Seems reasonable to refuse to attend. Parent has always treated you terribly and you have no relationship? Again, reasonable to refuse to attend.
You just don't like the new spouse? Suck it up for your parent's sake and attend.

Is it a marriage resulting from an affair?

They probably will be upset but I suppose the question is whether you care if they're upset and that will be based on your reasons.

If it was an affair partner or a former friend of your other parent etc I'd say fair enough. Difficult to answer without context

Context matters here.
A marriage following on from an affair or a marriage following an unhealthy relationship then it's understandable why an adult child wouldn't want to attend. I'd also understand an adult child having reservations if it looked like the new spouse was ready to be a cuckoo in the nest and likely to be sizing up potential inheritance for their own children.

If it's a case of an adult child not liking the future spouse then they nee to grow up and accept their parent's decision.

I immediately thought this too.

Depends how you'll feel in 20 years time if it lasts.

Yes I would. That doesn’t mean your reasons are not valid

If the marriage is to the "other" woman /man or the person they are marrying had been vindictive, mean etc then fair enough. If it's just a case of your nose being put out of joint and not appreciating another adult moving in with your parent then you should go. I'd be pretty annoyed if my kids refused to attend my wedding (if we actually marry)

Context needed.

Massively depends on the context

Mom left Dad 3 months ago fora new man, Dad, who's always been amazing and doted on Mom, is so crushed he can barely get out of bed, Mom is telling everyone this is the love of her life and the marriage she always wanted

Mom left Dad 30 years ago following abuse, met partner later, he's basically been a father to you all and loves you, Mom highly involved in your lives in a good way.

Refusing to go for one is v different to the other

Context is everything in this situation. A friend of mine mother remarried an awful man who was horrifically racist towards my friend's children and husband. She refused to go to the wedding as the mother just kept saying that was his way and he meant no harm. His own kids did not go to the wedding either and advised my friend's mom not to marry him. I think she was right not to go

Absolutely depends on the circumstances that are driving you to ask the question.

You know, of course, that we all want to know what they are?

Thanks everyone. I appreciate it’s difficult without context but I am genuinely just crowdsourcing opinion.

SleepingStandingUp, it’s more like the first one. There was no affair, but my other parent is still reeling from the separation and the parent getting married is very set on the ‘happily families’ dynamic. I am in my 30s with a LO on the way and don’t see the need for anything other than being nice to each other at family gatherings and having the occasional get together.

It's just not possible to give a blanket response to your question

How long ago was the separation?

There are also inheritance questions, but I’ve washed my hands of that (mentally, at least. God knows how I’ll feel when it’s actually discussed.). It’s their money and they can do what they like with it.

5 years ago.

I am sorry but none of us can answer without more context.

I would be very upset tbh if my adult child couldn't come and support me in a life changing decision. I would want you there. It would mean an awful lot

It is hard seeing a parent marry. When my mum remarried about my dad’s death (5/6yrs) I was still grieving for him and found it really difficult but my mum had a right to happiness and I just kept it to myself.

As a parent I would want my children there and if your mum has generally been good to you and a reasonable parent - I think you should.

Your relationship with each parent is a separate one but yes it can be difficult. My son did not go to the marriage of his father and his affair partner but it would have been different if it was a woman he had met subsequently.

If they separated 5 years ago and their new partner is a nice person then I would attend (unless of course there's a huge back story)

Also I have been the adult child at my parents remarriage. I want too happy about it inside if I am totally honest (selfishly as I was worried that my new step mum would now inherit everything from my dad ..he died. She did !). However I have now formed a really good relationship with her over the years and I am now in her will

However I was being selfish. It wasn't my money he gave away. It was his.

They had many happy years together before he died. You can't put a price on that

I think the parent who’s wedding it is will be upset and hurt and has every right to be
you have every right not to go and you have every right to stay neutral

but the situation you’ve given - no affair, but other parent is still angry about it 5 years on - I’d say actually you’ve picked the other parent, you’re letting their feelings determine your relationship with the other person

The only way I wouldn’t go to a parents wedding is if I was NC, perhaps if it was wedding number 5+, or if it was a recent relationship and an affair partner.