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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Would you be upset if your adult child didn’t attend your second wedding?

62 replies

perfectsoundok · 24/07/2023 17:13

I’m the adult child. I have my reasons, which are compelling, but I wonder if I should be the bigger person and quash my feelings of discomfort and upset.

I’m genuinely keeping on open mind here (and deliberately leaving out context) as I have no one to ask who isn’t obviously biased towards my point of view. So your input is welcome!

OP posts:
HappiDaze · 24/07/2023 17:51

Just suck it up and go to be supportive to your parent

Chewbecca · 24/07/2023 17:52

Yes, I would be hurt. How can a parent not be, whatever the reasons.

But that doesn't mean you are wrong to not want to or to feel torn or conflicted!

Papernotplastic · 24/07/2023 17:53

I suppose it depends on your relationship with your father. If my parents split I doubt that I’d keep in contact with my father even if the split were amicable. We don’t have any kind of relationship and I don’t like him as a person.

ChopperC110P · 24/07/2023 17:55

No. I would not. Would be a parent in this scenario.

harriethoyle · 24/07/2023 17:56

5 years ago?! Suck it up and stop making it all about you.

MayThe4th · 24/07/2023 17:56

I think that as an adult you should already know that anyone has the right to end a relationship for any reason. And sometimes ending a relationship is going to end up in hurt feelings.

Yes it’s sad for the one who didn’t choose the separation, but A, this was five years ago, they need to be moving on by now, and B, no-one knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage. I suspect the reason for the separation will be vastly different depending on which parent is telling it.

The parent who left had the right to do so and has the right to be happy. Presumably they weren’t happy in their marriage or they wouldn’t have left.

Fiddlerdragon · 24/07/2023 17:58

It doesn’t sound like you have a massive reason not to go. It depends on whether you want to maintain a good relationship with your father imo. It’s been 5 years, she wasn’t an affair partner, and you’re all adults. I’d be there to support my father

SirChenjins · 24/07/2023 17:59

If it was five years ago then I’d go in the circumstances you describe - difficult though these things are, at some point you do need to draw a line under things and move forward.

Original poster
perfectsoundok · 24/07/2023 17:59

You’re right, I’m definitely not neutral come to think of it. I think one of my issues is that my relationship with the marrying parent has changed. We went from being very close to virtually no contact unless it was gatherings with new extended family where I could play the lovely daughter role. On occasions where I couldn’t make it (difficult pregnancy with HG) I was yelled at and ignored for weeks. This kind of proved to me that they weren’t actually concerned for my well-being or baby’s, or interested in seeing me.

I accept that 5 years is a long time to still be upset, but it’s definitely been compounded by the apparent intensity (and detailed social media posting!) accompanying this new relationship. I’m really happy that my parent is happy but I’m unhappy with the dynamic it’s created, which I’m sure will only intensify when they get married. I also didn’t grow up with this person, they were not my step-parent, so I have very little connection to them.

I accept am deep in the FOG with both parents (I’ve got a therapist! Don’t worry) which is why I have no idea if I’m being fair or not. Thanks all.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 24/07/2023 18:01

I think I'd go in your case, on the proviso that her new partner is nice. I would also expect her to be sensitive to the feelings of her children - people sometimes forget that when they are going on about how fabulous the new partner is compared to the previous marriage, it hurts the children who were the product of that previous marriage! A bit of tact goes a long way.

ResponsibleWalrus · 24/07/2023 18:01

My DH attended his dad's second wedding. His dad was widowed 6 years before. His sister didn't attend and said it was because she was working but everybody knows she could have made it if she wanted to. Nobody made a big deal of it but I felt a bit bad that she wasn't there. His Dad's wife is absolutely lovely and they've been happily married for 8 years now. We have a very happy family now but I think at the time she found it difficult to see her dad moving on. She lost her mum to cancer (only 8 weeks from diagnosis to death) just as she was finishing uni.

Oatycookies · 24/07/2023 18:01

Your father will probably be hurt but you’re still definitely within your rights not to attend, especially given your update about the unhealthy dynamic.

LadyBird1973 · 24/07/2023 18:02

Cross posted with you. Having seen your latest post I've changed my mind and think you should do exactly as you please - your parent is!

hoplittlebunnys · 24/07/2023 18:16

I would go. It's only one day. You can always make your excuses and leave early if you need to.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 24/07/2023 18:18

For me, the fact your parent A is still reeling about the separation isn’t your problem but theirs to solve. It shouldn’t affect your own relationship with parent B.

Now the way parent B is behaving isn’t great - the shouting at you for being ill is Shock. I’m wondering if you’ve had the opportunity to have a chat with B about the change in your relationship with them. Or if tte new partner is so ‘involved’ that you can’t even talk to your parent in their own.
Having said that, the HG incident would be enough to make me wonder about going iyswim
What do you think would be the reaction when you tell B about your plans?

Original poster
perfectsoundok · 24/07/2023 18:20

Thanks, Ladybird, and everyone for your opinions. I know it seems like a lot of hand wringing, because it is! Lol

Neither of my parents is perfect but they were both good parents to me in their way. It’s the active change in my marrying parent is what’s bugging me. Obviously my DP has seen the full thing (got together right before the divorce, lucky him) and knows how much it upsets me, but when I’ve told friends with they’ve said it doesn’t seem bad enough not to go to the wedding, or that I’ll regret it if I don’t go. My absence will be more noted than my presence, I’ll put it that way.

In the kindest way poss I trying to give less to give a shit about what either of my parents do, but the wedding is obviously a big sticking point.

My LO will be born by then (wedding not until 2024) so at least I’ll be occupied on the day if I do go!

OP posts:
Original poster
perfectsoundok · 24/07/2023 18:25

I can chat to parent B but everything gets relayed back to partner and I’m sure wider step-family. Plus they are partners and I can’t expect them not to share things that affect both of them.

I think there would be a MASSIVE to-do if I’d said I wasn’t going because I was ill or because of baby. So much so if I had committed to going I would push through even if I didn’t feel great on the day. Whereas if I went and then slowly let contact die down, I think it would be fine. But I really resent the idea I’m playing into the forced and unhealthy dynamic. Ahh.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 24/07/2023 18:31

It's not unreasonable to expect a private conversation with your parent to not be fed back to their partner or other people. You are allowed an independent relationship that isn't to do with the parents new partner!

I honestly think you need to expect more from your parent, they are massively letting you down and failing in their responsibilities to you. It's horrible watching a parent basically dump their own family (and their own personality sometimes) because they've become so entrenched in their new family.
But their new family choice isn't yours. You don't owe them anything and if your own parent cba to think of you and consider you and care for you, then you don't owe it to that parent to put yourself through a hard time, so they can play happy families!

Look after your own interests first at this point.

MrsRachelDanvers · 24/07/2023 18:37

So your mum is marrying someone who she didn’t leave your dad for? And the separation was 5 years ago? I think it’s a bit mean not to go. It depends what you want your relationship to be going forward. If you’re feeling sad because you’re not as close as you used to be, how will not attending improve that? There’s nothing wrong with saying to your mum that you miss the closeness you had and that you’d love to spend some time with her but not as part of a wider group all the time with people you don’t feel a bond with. And also to tell her how hurtful it is to be shouted at-that’s totally unreasonable. I’d be very angry about that. But that’s maybe a conversation to have after you’ve decided. Don’t forget, you have your happy settled like with your husband and child-can you be glad your mum won’t be on her own? Think of how you’d like things to be in 2 or 3 years-and make your decision accordingly.

Hydrangeahead · 24/07/2023 18:39

Your feelings are your feelings, you can't rationalise those away.

But try to think about the long term implications of not attending the wedding.

Will it alienate the non marrying parent and if so, how do you feel about that?

Could you compromise and just go to the marriage part then spend the rest of the day doing something lovely with the non marrying parent?

BarelyLiterate · 24/07/2023 18:43

It would depend on the circumstances, obviously. If, for example, one of my parents had died and the other wished to remarry a person I liked & respected, then of course I would attend.
If, however, there had been a bitter, painful divorce following infidelity & betrayal by one parent then I would find it difficult to publicly pretend to approve of them marrying their bit on the side. I have many faults, but hypocrisy isn’t one of them.

MrsRachelDanvers · 24/07/2023 18:43

Actually to answer your question, yes I would be hurt. I married 5 years ago and both my children attended-my son ‘gave me away’ and my daughter went around the guests and got them to write something nice in a notebook which I keep. Both of those things were very special and meant a lot to me. My son was 19 and my daughter was 18-we’d been together 5 years but waited to get married. I’d been alone 4years before we met so had nothing to do with my divorce form 1st husband, thank goodness.

FavouriteDogMug · 24/07/2023 18:50

If it was just the other parent still upset after 5 years I would go and just not say anything about it.

The way they treated you when you were ill and the fact you think they would be unkind to you if that should happen again, or if there was a problem with the baby is pretty bad though. I would bring this up and don't worry of it gets back to their partner. They should be supporting you when you are having problems and health issues, and as a new mum. Not giving you a hard time for not turning up to their event.

Gingerboy22 · 24/07/2023 20:43

Have I missed the bit where the Op said it was her mother that is getting married? I am assuming it is her father . @perfectsoundok I guess you are deliberately not saying.

gogomoto · 24/07/2023 20:51

With the additional information I think you should attend. You won't really know what went on in their marriage and how long the now remarrying parent stayed in the marriage for your sake and to try to not split up. My separation was 10 years in the making! I hope my DD's can be happy that I met someone that I can be happy with.