Need Advice: Daughter's BF murdered

[Delphinium20]

We learned the devastating news today that my DD's BF was murdered. The reality of their relationship is a bit tricky as they'd agreed to separate temporarily for a few years while she went to university. He went home to his mother who he hasn't lived with for 2 years. So, technically separated but both feel they were each other's true loves. We've known him since he was 14.

My DD is absolutely heartbroken. We've been crying all day, texting with his family too. Just awful, awful day. The pain you feel for your child's suffering is unreal.

DH and I didn't leave her side today except when her friend came over for support. She is supposed to leave for university, which is very far away, in a few weeks. Before this, she was unbelievably excited for her future and today she's a mess, crying that her future father of her children is no more.

Anyone been through this? They are so young...it's just wrong. The violence and senselessness of this is making it seem worse...is that even fair to say? I don't know. The only close deaths I've been through are my grandparents and my mother and uncle. All over 60, and lived full lives. This feels massively different. How can I help her?

As someone who lost a child in a violent way (accident) all I can tell you is there is no formula for dealing with any kind of grief as it affects us all differently. Just be there for her and ride with her emotions. Do not take anything personally as anything said 'in the moment' will never be meant. I am very sorry for your loss.

Didn’t want to read and run. No advice OP except maybe letting her feel all the feels and letting her fall apart. She doesn’t know this yet but she’ll get through this. Best of luck x

I am so, so sorry. I have no advice but did not want to read and run.

Were they at school/college together as sometimes the school arranges counselling/support?

I guess you need to take the lead from her.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. What a terrible shock for all of you.
I just wanted to share a little of my experience.
My eldest son died suddenly in horrific circumstances.
My DD was due to go to university just a few days after he died.
It was an awful decision to make.
In the end, she did go, she had accommodation sorted and her flatmate was somebody she already knew.
A relative was kind enough to go with her and get her settled in. She came back a few weeks later for the funeral.

The reason I encouraged her to go was that I knew that if she missed the opportunity, she might never do it. Our lives were already in complete disarray and I wanted her to take that chance. There was no opportunity to defer in her case.

In the first year we visited every few weeks, shopped, cooked, cleaned and generally offered company and support. It was tough, but it was the right thing for her to do and 7 years on she has made a new life for herself.

You know your DD best. Take some time to talk it through and consider all the options. Maybe speak to whoever the appropriate person is at the university.

Yes. That's a good idea. Thank you.

@endofthelinefinally Oh, I am so, so sorry. Losing a child is not the order of the world, is it? My deepest sypmpathies.

This was very good advice and I'm feeling similar as you did re: the decision to still go to school...you're so right, if she doesn't go now, she might not go.

@Softoprider @Comefromaway @alittleadvicepls thank you for your kind words. Riding the waves seems the right thing to do. What vicious waves they are, though.

Obviously be there for her and support her through the funeral etc, and suggest counselling.

But also encourage her to go to university as planned, and don't encourage the "one true love" and "future father of her children" talk. The likelihood is that she will move on fairly quickly and this is ok at her age, and given the nature of their relationship. This bit is the worst for her, whereas the future is the worst bit for his family.

I doubt she will move in quickly.

@Delphinium20 so sorry it must be tough on all of you, is there anything she could be given in terms of photo book or something to give her something do to and also work through her emotions. Possibly grief, it might be long term pain over time due to the nature of his death, arrests, press, coroners, Court etc so long term she will likely need grief counselling and there are specific counselling services for families and friends of victims of crimes.

Please don't disregard her feelings like this just because she is young. I disagree that she will move on quickly, losing someone unexpectedly when you are young shakes your whole core and thoughts on life.

The likelihood is that she will move on fairly quickly and this is ok at her age, and given the nature of their relationship.

I feel this would apply if they had just split up however awful the splitting up was.
But loosing someone in that way? That’s very different. And I doubt she will ‘just move on’.

Comfort her but encourage her to get back to school. Terrible things happen, and can happen at any time, but life does go on. Your daughter sacrificing her future and grinding her life to a halt won't make the her pain any less. The loss of a loved one is something we all carry with us, to some degree, forever.

I agree with this. This has been a life changing experience for her and will take support and help to work through it. It will affect everything she does from now on, but she will get through it. She will feel guilt as well as grief, even though this wasn't her fault. It will stay with her for ever, but she will eventually learn coping strategies and live her life.

Hello, my first post on Mumsnet & I’m so sorry this is the post which has prompted me to reply. My best friend was murdered when I was 18, she was 17. Next year will be the 30th anniversary of her death. I still remember so much about the first few hours, days & weeks after it happened & thought I’d share with you the things which helped me & the things which didn’t go so well & I still remember.

• people don’t know how to talk about death, even less so when your loved ones been murdered. Please try & keep talking to your daughter about this & all the feelings which come with it.
• my sister stayed up with me all night on the night I found out when I couldn’t sleep because of the shock. I massively appreciated that as being on my own would’ve been so lonely.
• for the first two or three weeks I wish my parents would have been around more, be with her as much as you can.
• 2 days after it happened I was told to see a councillor. I had no emotional connection with him, it was awkward, forced & way too early. I wish my parents had helped me find a someone I felt comfortable talking to & maybe seen them a few weeks later.
• nobody talked about the fact my friend had been murdered. It brings up more feelings than when we have a death from natural causes, or an accident. The emotions I had about the murderer changed frequently from anger to nothing to fear that they’d get me. I still worry about that now they’re out of prison.
• I wasn’t prepared for people to glamourise my friend’s murder. I sometimes still see it written about in magazines, books, online & that’s hard as there’s never any consideration for her feelings, privacy, or the impact on their friends & family.
• I spent a lot of time thinking about the fear she must have felt in her final moments & if I could’ve done more to help her. That’s still a difficult one for me.
• I wish my family & friends would have acknowledged it more, after a couple of weeks nobody really mentioned her death, or how she died. I think they just didn’t know what to say. It meant that I spent months feeling as though I must be overreacting.
• I wish I hadn’t gone to court for the trial or read any details about it.
• I wish someone had just told me that it’s a horrible, horrible thing to go through, especially as a teenager but that it will get easier to deal with. That the feelings I felt wouldn’t always be so intense.

Please also let your daughter know that I always thought I’d end up married to my first love. We got back together when I was in my 30s, it didn’t work out & I went through the grief of loosing him & that idea of how my life would be. Out of the blue, a year later I met my husband & we have a daughter, I couldn’t be happier. Just because the future doesn’t pan out the way we think it might, it doesn’t mean it’s hopeless. Give your daughter a big hug from me, let her know she’ll be ok.

@Sunseaandsand1
That is such a heartfelt and insightful post.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I agree with everything you have said.

She will feel guilt as well as grief, even though this wasn't her fault. It will stay with her for ever, but she will eventually learn coping strategies and live her life.

She does feel guilt. She didn't think him moving to be his mother was the best idea for him and she tried to dissuade him. She now thinks she should have tried harder

Lots of emotions and questioning herself/purpose/meaning of why he's gone.

@Sunseaandsand1 oh this means so much. It truly does. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm very grateful for the time you took to write that all out. Especially the part about not forgetting him after a few weeks.

Also, DH and I stayed with her all yesterday and up through 2 am when she was ready to try to sleep. Thank you for that.

Thats such a dreadful thing to have happened, I’m so sorry.
I echo just making sure you’re physically and emotionally around for her, as much as possible. Allow her to talk about him and what happened, it’s part of her processing the horror and shock.
I agree with the poster above with counselling often taking place too early. Unless she asks, I wouldn’t pursue this for some months. There will be specialist bereavement support groups that she might wish to access.
She’ll likely put him on a pedestal initially but in time she’ll likely move on in terms of having new relationships. Grief is a very personal experience and some react by jumping straight into new relationships. Just be non judgemental and there for her.

sorry for your daughters loss and I’m glad you are looking for support

my best friend was murdered and like pp said it is life changing. It took years to feel I had accepted it and could start to feel joy again without guilt

the first year was the worst. Crippling anxiety attacks, panic attacks, waking in the night, constant “what ifs”

your daughter will have the funeral, inquest and maybe a trial coming up, it will be all consuming and she will need you by her side, you will need to be very patient and just be there, not advising, just listening, just keeping her company.

a bereavement counsellor probably good idea but not right away, her mind will be in too much turmoil.

Thank you, @IheartNiles and @meringue33 I keep coming back here to reread your advice...it's really helpful. thank you.

Hi OP, how is your daughter coping?

She goes to work every day, which is good for her as it's a positive environment. She also has a good friend who encourages her to go to the gym most days together. She's suffering, of course, so it breaks my heart to see her once positive and upbeat self now just getting through the day, but I'm proud of her for pushing herself to get through the day. She said she still intends to go to school in the fall, so that gives me hope she's got healthy coping strategies. I still worry, though.

Glad that sharing my experience has helped you. The only silver lining of losing someone like this is that it changes you for the better, makes you a more compassionate person and more focused on others and what matters in the world. Thinking of you & your daughter & the others affected.

Not quite the same but at 26 my on/off bf took his own life. It was completely out of the blue and no one had a clue. similar to what PP said

• no feelings are wrong. she'll go through happy stages and sad stages and all of that is ok.
• Just be with her, support her, do not tell her she's wrong. somethings she says may be entirely illogical but just reassure her.
• Guilt may creep in (if we hadn't broken up he wouldn't have been there and he'd still be alive) etc but just reassure her there was nothing she could of done.
• She may move on quickly or she may not either way is fine
• Just talk about him. don't ignore the subject. talk about the happy memories. they may make her cry now but they will make her smile
• get her some counselling when she is ready (it may be a good idea to find someone in her uni area) and don't just settle for the first person. try out different people. i tried 5 or 6 before finding someone i was comfortable.
• know that grief is not something you get through. eventually the bad days will become less and less but there will always be bad day. you just need to get to the point where she can recognise its a bad day and tomorrow will not be a bad day.

Son lost his best friend at eighteen, very suddenly. It knocked ds of off his feet for a long while. He decided not to go to uni as he felt he needed to be at home. I was glad tbh he was partying hard and drinking a lot as I think he thought that he should do it all in case there wasn't a tomorrow and he was undoubtedly grieving for his friend.
He started work after A levels and his employer funded his degree and Masters so he felt he did the right thing as he got the qualifications he wanted with none of the debt.
It's sixteen years ago now but ds still visits his grave on his birthday taking flowers and we talk about him still as he was a big part of ds's life they had been friends since nursery.
I'm so sorry for your and your dd's loss, whatever she chooses to do just now is what she needs to do so just be there as you are already.