Need Advice: Daughter's BF murdered

[Delphinium20]

We learned the devastating news today that my DD's BF was murdered. The reality of their relationship is a bit tricky as they'd agreed to separate temporarily for a few years while she went to university. He went home to his mother who he hasn't lived with for 2 years. So, technically separated but both feel they were each other's true loves. We've known him since he was 14.

My DD is absolutely heartbroken. We've been crying all day, texting with his family too. Just awful, awful day. The pain you feel for your child's suffering is unreal.

DH and I didn't leave her side today except when her friend came over for support. She is supposed to leave for university, which is very far away, in a few weeks. Before this, she was unbelievably excited for her future and today she's a mess, crying that her future father of her children is no more.

Anyone been through this? They are so young...it's just wrong. The violence and senselessness of this is making it seem worse...is that even fair to say? I don't know. The only close deaths I've been through are my grandparents and my mother and uncle. All over 60, and lived full lives. This feels massively different. How can I help her?

I am so sorry, @Bells3032 that must have been just awful. I think the on/off again aspect is very similar to my daughter's. Only a few weeks prior to his death, his sister told my DD that she was his true soulmate and hoped they'd be together in the future.

@hiredandsqueak what a lovely gesture for your son to do every year. Looks like he became quite mature despite the jolt he got at 18. You're right...these things can rock a person's whole world.

@Delphinium20 my story has a happy ending. It took me a while to move on but a few years later i met an amazing guy and we are married with a beautiful daughter. it may not seem it now but things will get better

Just wanted to hop back on as say that on bad days, I come here to read your messages and advice. It's a comfort and a reminder.

Sorry, I hit 'post' too soon.

Thank you all so much.

Sorry to hear this. Practically, she needs to reach out to her personal tutor at uni and explain what’s happened/ask what her options are. There will be an option to interrupt her studies and take some time, or there will be support services she can access. It’s early days, but worth thinking through a plan for how she is going to cope, where she can go in a crisis moment/ whether a return now is in her best interests.

Hi @Delphinium20 is your daughter still managing to work and go to the gym?

How are you and your DH managing in terms of supporting her?

It is still very early days. I wouldn't expect too much. Literally take each day at a time.

Thank you, @SophiaElizabethGrace for checking in, and reminding me how it's still early days. DH seems impatient for her to get over this, but I keep reminding him it's going to take a long time.

She's had bad days - like the one where she said she didn't want to go to school, just live in the wood alone. But, she came out of that and when her DGM visited, she told DGM that she was going to be okay.

SHe's still good about going to the gym and work. Next week she goes away to her university and I worry for her, but know that long-term this is the right thing to do. She's worrying that her brain is slow to function and it will mess w/ her schoolwork, but she's still going to try, but alert professors early on if she's struggling.

Thanks, @Katey83 I checked out her university's health services and the offer free counseling, so I'm going to remind her to go to that. She also saw a counselor 2x last week.

The trial isn't scheduled and we know little due to the killers being minors. The family isn't supposed to share details, but his sister told her that it looks like it was a robbery. We're still not sure.

We try to talk w/ her about him, remembering fun times and special events (like dances and bday parties).

thanks for the update Delphinium. Glad you are hanging on in there as a family. Counselling a vg move and I expect the return to routine will be a welcome distraction 💐

I would definitely think about letting student support at the university know if you haven’t already. Just so they can keep an eye on her. Is she going far?

Thanks. Yes. She is going quite far. We have budgeted a trip to visit her later before Christmas. She has a well-off grandparent who I could ask to pay for flight home in an emergency, so we will use that if needed.

Hi @Delphinium20 firstly sorry you are going through this, it must be awful for you all.

I wanted to share my best friends story with you as a bit of hope for the future for your daughters recovery (I know my friend absolutely wont mind). She lost her boyfriend very suddenly when we were in our early 20's so a little older than your daughter. My friend was obviously heartbroken and was in a very dark place for a year or so, needed some counselling and a lot of support. She often spoke similarly about loosing her future husband and the future father of her children etc. She shut herself off from the world a little as she didn't initially want to move forward in a world he wasn't moving forward in. There were times I couldn't see how we would be able to get her to engage with enjoying life again as she was just going through the motions of working and not much else despite lost of trying on our part.

Eventually, id say maybe a year later it was like something just clicked. She had given herself the time she needed to grieve and she realised she needed to go and live her life because he couldn't and she needed to do it for them both. She met her now husband about 18 months after her boyfriend died and lives a very normal happy life with him. She still talks about her old boyfriend and her husband has always been ok with that. She obviously still misses him and the future they might have had, but she really is ok. There were times in the first year that i'd have given my arm just to know she would be ok in the future, I really couldn't have pictured the life she has now in a million years at times! Watching what she went through was one of the hardest things ive done, I honestly don't know how she did it, but she did, and your daughter will too.

Sending a huge unmumsnetty hug to you and your family. It sounds like your daughter has a great support in you and you'll get her through this. I also think Uni is a great distraction right now and will honestly really help!

Bless you, it must be so hard.
I imagine that university might be good for her, it might give her some new friends, a new area to get to know, coursework to focus on and options on terms of mental health support.

She may not manage at first (in terms of her mind and brain being muddled) but if she's able to give it a bit of time, hopefully she'll settle.

💐

@Mseddy thank you so much for sharing this. It gives me hope...and also a realistic understanding of the length of grief of not just a loved one, but grieving the idea of a future you have to give up.

So much wisdom here. I'm very grateful for everyone's support.

Thanks @SophiaElizabethGrace. I agree it will be tough in the beginning but also a good new thing to focus on.

Im so sorry for your loss. When I was 17 my sister died suddenly . Going to university actually helped a lot I think partly the distraction and new focus but also being in a new environment that wasn't connected to my sister . I hope it's a similar experience for your daughter and you are absolutely right there's no right time to feel better it will take as long as it takes.

Oh, @Autieangel what a terrible loss. I am so very sorry. I think you're right about the new environment. I hope your family has found peace.

Thank you for your kind words.

Thank you @Zakimasood121 - I really appreciate your understanding.

Good news. She left for university today and for the first time since the news of his death, she was joyful and was chatty about her plans for school. It was a very, very good day and the first day I've seen her mood this positive. Her friends all came over to see her off and I think this really made a difference.

@Delphinium20 Hi how’s your daughter doing?

Thanks for asking. Despite getting good grades, university has been tough. She loves her program, loves the city where she's located but has a lot of survivor guilt i believe. She also struggles to just have fun and party with friends as she feels she's a downer a lot. I've seen some improvement the last month, but it's hard to see her still in so much pain. However, she seems better than 6 months ago.

I have come back to this post so many times because all the wonderful advice here gives me hope. One thing that I'm so proud of is she keeps putting one foot in front of the other. She makes plans for the future (has concert tickets and a fun destination for spring break booked) and that tells me she's not given up. I know she's not ready for a relationship yet but I also know falling in love again would do her a world of good. But she can't even fathom that.

I'm glad to hear that there is some light in your post and that your DD is keeping going.

Going to uni can be tough anyway, especially when far away so she has done exceptionally well.

I just wanted to touch on the anniversary, it can hit as hard as the day it happened, especially the build up to it and that's normal. If she will still be at uni it might be an idea to go up to her.

@SamBeckettslastleap that's very good advice about the anniversary. Thank you!