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Original poster

Who pays on a first date?

45 replies

csiaddict · 22/06/2023 07:27

Hello, my uni student dd (1st year undergrad) has been asked out to watch a musical and then to a restaurant (Bella Italia so not super fancy) by a male friend (post grad).
If it were me, I would insist of paying halves or if he gets the musical tickets, I would pay for the meal, however I'm not sure if this would be seen as rude nowadays, or would that be expected nowadays (my last experience of dating was 20+ years ago!).
He earns more, is older and is from a private school background, whereas my dd is state school and is feeling a bit out of place as she is now meeting a lot of private school kids for whom money isn't a concern.
Just concerned that if she lets him pay, it then gives the wrong message. or am I overthinking this? (she has not been on any dates before and asked me about it but I don' want to give out of date advice!).

OP posts:
MollysBrolly · 22/06/2023 07:30

50/50 unless one person insists on paying.

i have tickets for x show do you want to see it with me - yea that'll be lovely how much do I owe you

StopFeckingFaffing · 22/06/2023 07:31

The invite would suggest that he is expecting to pay which doesn't seem unreasonable since he has made the plan and invited DD to join him

Your DD can buy drinks at the event if she wants to contribute

TeenDivided · 22/06/2023 07:33

It's a long and expensive first date.

RocketIceLollie · 22/06/2023 07:33

50/50 on the first date.

Patchworksack · 22/06/2023 07:34

You are overthinking. She should offer to pay either halves for all of it or for the meal if he buys the tickets, but he’ll probably say no. In which case if they want a second date she pays but also chooses what they do so sets the budget to something affordable for her.

Redcliffe1 · 22/06/2023 07:35

I would offer but not insist. If it goes well I'd pay for date number 2

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/06/2023 07:35

Is it a romantic date - can’t work out - if it is and both parties like eachother then: a good woman offers and a good man never accepts.

it used to be that a woman insisted on going halves then she wasn’t interested.

shivawn · 22/06/2023 07:35

I would go expecting to pay 50/50. He might insist on paying but she definitely shouldn't show up with empty pockets.

YouveGotAFastCar · 22/06/2023 07:36

50/50.

The “inviter pays” thing hasn’t been a mainstream thing for years, in my experience, with the exception of specific experiences when it’s really clear - like, “I’ve got two tickets to the Canadian Grand Prix if you’d like to come with me?”

AvocadoPlant · 22/06/2023 07:37

Thoughts from DD 2nd year student
To be honest I think it’s unusual to see a show and then a meal on a first date - but this is someone she already knows who is currently a friend. Given that I would expect to pay for own ticket to the show, and be prepared to pay 50/50 on the meal too (wouldn’t be surprised if he insisted on paying but certainly wouldn’t expect it either)

cuckyplunt · 22/06/2023 07:39

Offer to pay half.. feel slightly aggrieved if offer is accepted?

Littleroseseverywhere · 22/06/2023 07:42

She pays half. I don’t know what state v private has to do with it. They are both adults now.

FrenchandSaunders · 22/06/2023 07:45

Regardless of how well off someone is …. always offer to go halves.

wormshuffled · 22/06/2023 07:53

Hmmm it's a tough one because at the moment it is just a first date so I would say to to offer but don't insist as it can offend if pushed. However, it's potentially setting the scene at the start of a relationship to one where there is expectation/ submission? If that makes sense? And I'm not ok with that.

TeenDivided · 22/06/2023 07:56

Littleroseseverywhere · 22/06/2023 07:42

She pays half. I don’t know what state v private has to do with it. They are both adults now.

Might well impact how much money each has access to.
ex Private school students my well have more support on average from parents for their studies and may have more 'unearned' savings eg from CTF, inheritance, money being passed down etc.

NB Not all ex private etc etc etc

arethereanyleftatall · 22/06/2023 09:42

The thing is is that is a crazy first date. £100 on a first date?!? First dates are drinks/coffee/walks. So 50/50 or one pays it doesn't really matter.

Can she easily afford half? I think she needs to lay her boundaries down here already.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/06/2023 09:47

That’s an expensive First date! We just went to the pub!

He earns more, is older

Earns more? Do you mean they are both students with part time jobs but he does eg more hour? Or is he not a student and has a full time professional job?

toomanyleggings · 22/06/2023 09:55

Whoever asks pays. Never been into asking men out so they always paid. Always had plenty of dates/ boyfriends and I’m happily married. Never felt obliged to have sex just because they’d paid. What sort of message do you think it conveys? Men who really like their date are not worrying about the bill. AT ALL.

NotEverORNever · 22/06/2023 10:01

50/50 every time. It's normal.

CurlewKate · 22/06/2023 10:38

I'm assuming it's a student production, not a West End musical? Because otherwise it's a crazy expensive first date! She should pay half-and not, previous poster notwithstanding, feel aggrieved if it's accepted.

CurlewKate · 22/06/2023 10:40

The power balance is out of whack anyway in terms of age and university "status" without adding finances into the mix. I actually think I would have advised my dd to say no and suggest a drink or something.

Dammitthisisshit · 22/06/2023 10:45

General rule 50/50 on everything. But this is confused by him earning more and him deciding what they’re doing.

but if it’s an expensive ticket and he’s the one inviting her (as in - ‘I have tickets already - would you like to see it with me’) then fine for her to accept but she offers to pay for the whole meal. He’ll probably refuse, then she should insist the meal cost is halved.

ArnoldBee · 22/06/2023 10:48

Well my private school boyfriends were notoriously tight unless it involved beer for themselves. New money tends to flash it around more!

usernother · 22/06/2023 10:57

It's up to her. Let her work it out.

BigPussyEnergy · 22/06/2023 10:58

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/06/2023 07:35

Is it a romantic date - can’t work out - if it is and both parties like eachother then: a good woman offers and a good man never accepts.

it used to be that a woman insisted on going halves then she wasn’t interested.

I’d agree somewhat with this where the likely income/status of both are as described here.

I’ve always been a lower earner and on dates I will offer to go halves and when they insist on paying I’ll say “I’ll get the next one” and then take them somewhere in my budget next time or bring takeaway etc. I’ve tried keeping up with a rich man by paying my way and it ended in massive debt!

I’ve actually said to the guy I’m currently seeing that once he’s had enough of me we’ll go halves on the last date Grin

Until that point I’d rather do one each, as it shows a reciprocity that implies a next date rather than looking tight by splitting the bills to the penny. Fwiw my date offered to pay the tip on my last dinner date, which is always a nice thing to do too, but whatever works for them is best.

My ex insisted on paying for our first date “it’s a thing of mine and not negotiable”. I should have seen it as the red flag it was and not the chivalrous move he thought it was!!