Who pays on a first date?

[csiaddict]

Hello, my uni student dd (1st year undergrad) has been asked out to watch a musical and then to a restaurant (Bella Italia so not super fancy) by a male friend (post grad).
If it were me, I would insist of paying halves or if he gets the musical tickets, I would pay for the meal, however I'm not sure if this would be seen as rude nowadays, or would that be expected nowadays (my last experience of dating was 20+ years ago!).
He earns more, is older and is from a private school background, whereas my dd is state school and is feeling a bit out of place as she is now meeting a lot of private school kids for whom money isn't a concern.
Just concerned that if she lets him pay, it then gives the wrong message. or am I overthinking this? (she has not been on any dates before and asked me about it but I don' want to give out of date advice!).

I think it's really cringy for a man to insist on paying. Statements like "a good woman always offers and a good man never accepts" are so outdated and naff.
It's different if you are in a relationship and take turns paying and maybe different if one person is completely skint and the other offers to treat them.

It isn't telling him that she'll be having sex with him later, if that's what you mean.

But she's 18? And he's 2...?? Remind her that she doesn't need to do anything she doesn't want to do.

And I'd make sure she has enough to pay for halves of dinner, she offers, he declines, she accepts, he pays and a taxi on her own home.

Thanks for all the advice, I'll suggest 50:50 or at least pay for meal. and if he insists on paying then get her to say that she'll pay the next time.

They are already friends and music students so know each other already so it shouldn't be a super-long awkward first date!

Dinosaurs still walk among us.

OP, can your daughter afford the cost of the musical ticket plus half a dinner? If not, or if it’s a stretch on her budget, in her shoes I’d decline and suggest a much more low-key first date, like a coffee. Is the musical something she wants to see? I suppose what I’m asking is whether it’s the guy or the musical that is the kernel of the appeal? Is it definitely a date, or a friend with a spare ticket suggesting a cheap dinner before the show?

From what I'm seeing (DD22), uni students are usually skint so it's 50/50.

Post-grad paying off student loan?

He should pay.

I think if a woman wants to be considered equal she should go 50/50. I'd let a man pay, but only if I intended to see him again and then I would pay next time. So that's the other option, she "gets the next one"

Offer but not insist, he will more than likely offer to pay it all but if he doesn't then at least she is prepared

Nope not at all a dinosaur thank you!
someone above said they saw a man paying as a red flag- actually I see a man who accepts half on a first date (when both keen) as a huge red flag for stinginess- think requiring you to pay half the bills on mat leave. Generosity- both ways- it attractive. To be clear if a man paid the first date, I’d pay the second.
If I went on a date and a man said let’s pay half yet wanted to see again, I’d pick up the whole bill.

You can be seen as an equal and still be treated- and treat back- the 50/50 every single date is so utterly unromantic, pathetic and clinical!

If its definitely a date I would be suggesting 50/50 unless he says he is paying then let him lol

I know my son paid on his first date and most of the time as he has more money than his gf. If your DD has been invited out and she is a student and he has a job I think he'll pay. She could offer to buy a drink at show.

If she really likes him, I'd be inclined to let him pay since she has had no say in what they do and where they go, but then say she will pay for the next date. If she isn't sure she likes him, I'd either decline or offer to pay half if her idea of fun is that show and that restaurant.

I think if you choose the event right down to the restaurant in advance, you pay. Even DH and I do that - take it in turns to choose dates and pay for them.

He should pay 100%, especially as he planned the date.

She should still offer though.

Why are you organising what happens your adult child's date?

That is a lot for a first date.

If she wants to be an equal partner, then she offers to pay for the tickets or the meal. He may refuse and it doesn't need to turn into an awkward moment but then he should be fine with her paying the next tie they go out or for drinks afterwards. Massive red flag if he won't 'let' her pay. It should work out to 50:50 over the course of a few dates. If it doesn't get that far, no big deal if it wasn't exactly 50:50 as long as the attitude was there that it is fine for both to pay.

If she doesn't want to be an equal partner and is looking to be a kept woman or to have a sugar daddy or to be in a very traditional relationship where she cooks and cleans and he works and provides...then she can let him pay but she should know that will come at a price to her own independence.

If she doesn't want to be an equal partner and is looking to be a kept woman or to have a sugar daddy or to be in a very traditional relationship where she cooks and cleans and he works and provides...then she can let him pay but she should know that will come at a price to her own independence.+ quite a lot of dramatics over a teenagers first ever date. Yes overall she should be paying for stuff as much as he is, but if he likes fancier dates or is currently earning more, him paying more doesn't mean she has to be a SAHP in the statistically unlikely event they settle down together

I honestly don’t get why people think a man taking a woman out and paying for a meal and a show means that she’s going to be chained to the sink for the rest of her days. It’s bizarre. DH always paid when we were dating, bought me flowers and gifts etc. He’s just a romantic guy. We both work and share household chores and finances etc.

It was a long time ago but I was in a similar situation with my (now) husband. We had known each other a while though University, both in the same year but he was a bit older, had been working before so had more money.

He was my friend first and was very well aware that I was working to keep myself and on a limited budget. When we started dating he paid for most 'big' things, I was simply not in a position to pay for dinners out every week. So unless he just wanted chips he was paying!

I was very confident that he wasn't an arse, and would happily have told him to get lost if anything was 'expected' that I didn't want to happen.

More than 20 years down the line I have never been a 'kept woman', arguably do less cleaning and cooking than I should, and he has never been able to tell me to do anything 😆

If someone is going to be an idiot that's going to happen regardless of who pays.