Harassed by elderly neighbours

[Puppytrashedmysofa]

My daughter lives on a mews with mostly elderly neighbours.Right from the start she has been harassed by three of them. Letters through her door about parking in visitors spaces , pathetic comments about what she is doing e.g smoking on her doorstep , being stared at when back from work.Her former direct neighbours about her age had the same ,but left quickly.
I'm at a loss what to do as a father.She is now looking for another rental because of it. One of them harassing is head of the residents committee, another owns two houses in the Mews.
I was helping my daughter last week and even though I pretended to not hear her ,she kept calling me , when I turned she made a pathetic comment about my car.
This is really frustrating because my daughter is a real sticker at things , wanting to move so soon is just not like her.

Sorry, that last sentence was meant to be light hearted but it just looks really cheeky written down. Apologies.

Let go and live somewhere where she fits in better, with neighbours who are her own age and presumably also don’t want to tend their front gardens and park in the allocated space. They can hang out smoking on the steps together
Better for everyone l

I'm not going to waste my tea break answering that post.😁

It's ok cutting six foot pyracantha( bushes with big spikes)with secateurs would take an awful long time whilst smoking ,but the fragrant Choisya is nice ,shame to cut that back when in flower.
Amazing what pops up .The whistling older bloke that would whistle out of his window when she came back from work,not builders whistles but tuneful stuff ,bet you'd like that.
Her ex boyfriend turning up in his dirty white van to drop grandaughter off.Being stopped at the gates being asked where he's taking that even though he'd already done it several times before .Of course it's alright when they have van owners parked doing jobs for them.

Elderly neighbours can be the worst. And in particular, if they are homeowners, I've personally experienced a lot of resentment from elderly residents towards renting neighbours. As someone up-thread said, it can be a combination of too much time on their hands, and with age, sometimes, can come finicky-ness. This extends to not only their space but the space of those around them.

I'm talking very generally here about these sorts of problems in particular, not entire sweeping statements about a generation, as most normal people of any generation do not behave like this.

I'm really sorry your daughter is being bullied by the residential clique and bombarded with letters, comments, and moaning so soon after moving in. If the complaints were genuine, you'd think those who have an issue would have enough self-awareness to understand that that's not the way to go about it towards a brand new neighbour. Sadly it sounds as if they have the self-awareness of a rock, judging by how they pushed the last neighbours out, which is important to consider here.

Your daughter is entitled to smoke anywhere she wants, on the outside of her home. That other people dislike it is neither here nor there. I'm sure there are plenty of annoying habits they have (like bullying renting neighbours) that I'm sure she'd prefer they didn't impact her with - I guess it's swings and roundabouts, isn't it?

I would advise her to wear headphones when she goes outside for a while, whether that's to smoke, potter about on her boundary, or whatever. Completely grey rock and ignore them as you have done, do not even respond. Do not acknowledge you have heard them. If they can't ever be pleasant, they lose the right to be heard, in my view. Keep the letters for future reference, she may well need them, to show the police, if, as I sadly suspect, the harassment doesn't stop.

Had the neighbours been welcoming, then broached an issue or so, in an appropriate manner, I'd advise her to listen to them and try to be accommodating even if they are a little unreasonable, for the sake of keeping good relations, but there are already no good relations to keep due to them being utter arseholes, to what I gather, is a single female who has just moved into her new home. They have form, and will never be happy with any renter there.

@Toenailz "I'm talking very generally here about these sorts of problems in particular, not entire sweeping statements about a generation, as most normal people of any generation do not behave like this."

Well yes you are A BIT making sweeping statements about a generation🤣 Saying "Elderly neighbours can be the worst" was the first clue.....

Also, don't be disheartened by the responses on this thread.

Unfortunately, a large proportion of Mumsnet, as you can see, are exactly the neighbours you describe. The type to advise others to quit smoking because they don't like someone smoking on their own doorstep, that having an overgrown garden is inconsiderate to their neighbours, making comments on your car, leaving notes on windowscreens, leaving massive piles of leaves in front of someone's car, and confronting peoples visitors, etc. Horrendous control freaks. All of this behaviour is much worse than the sins they're moaning that she's committed. Honestly, if I saw this happening to a new neighbour who hadn't even been in the place long enough to sort out the garden if they wanted, (some people have to work, long hours, and have other responsibilities), I'd be telling them to leave her the hell alone and back off.

I work very hard on my garden, I'm proud of it, and I couldn't give a toss what next door does with theirs. Not my home, not my business. I wouldn't even notice them smoking on their doorstep. I'm too concerned with my own things. In fact, I was out de-weeding today and my neighbour, whose driveway joins my front garden/path, apologised for the overgrown weeds on their patch and promised to get it sorted asap. I told them I really wasn't arsed about their garden though I appreciated the consideration, weeds on their property don't bother me, but that if they wanted some help at some point I'd be quite happy to.

Your daughters feelings are valid, I can completely understand why she feels they are getting on her. Because they are. She can move next to me OP. I don't give a fuck what someone else does with their home, I tend to mind my business.

Well done for being a concerned and caring father. Please don't be disheartened by mumsnet responses, it's not the real world, on here.

Yes, I should have put 'some' can be.

My statement absolutely still stands, whether it's liked or not, or fully 'appropriate' or not. I've been on the receiving end of it more than once, and had several friends who have.

One such friend lost several close family members in short space of time, was struggling to cope along with doing up the state of the home they'd just bought, and despite doing lots of hard work on it, were completely harrassed by their bitchy elderly neighbour about the state of the property (which had bought like that and were cleaning up!) to the point they desperately wanted to sell their house after less than a year in.

SOME elderly neighbours can be an utter fucking nightmare and worse than living next to an asbo neighbour. They're relentless. Old people can be horrible little bullies too.

@Toenailz hear hear. Thank you! (wish you were my neighbour too ! currently dealing with a gentleman obsessed with ivy on my detached house, who thinks it will grow legs and jump over to his - 2 meters away - detached house, and wants to "keep a close eye on it". He is checking every morning, and doing tut tut tut noises, when I leave the house! The ivy covers maybe 1/10th of the wall by the way...)

Your being ridiculous.

Toenailz thanks I really didn't expect a reply like this it is a breath of fresh air .I was beginning to think it was me ,that I was taking it all the wrong way and that my daughter was being a bit of a drama queen.
She really didn't get a chance to get acquainted with the neighbours the shock of the long first letter put a stop to that.I just didn't get why they were doing this which I'm still not totally sure about.But I know what bullying looks like which to me has happened here.
It's really frustrating because she really likes the convience and the vibe of the town she's living in, her landlords are great she really is a great tenant.So much I could write here about how proud of my daughter I am working her way up the ranks to a senior role.I can't say too much obviously but the number of random pictures she's sent me of her hugging older people and the more senior role she has been offered involving mentoring other managers it's obvious that her Directors think she's great aswell.
Anyway this thread has been really useful to me because I've got some good ideas how to advise my daughters if she decides to stay.
I'm not going to contribute anymore really because unlike my daughters I'm not very good at sticking at things plus i think its run its course.😁

She needs to locate a list of rules and that may include smoking

She needs to abide by those rules even if others dont

It is not difficult

I also live in a mews but in a rented block where we are definitely looked down on by the elderly snobby home owners.

I'd smile wave then ignore, mentally flipping the bird at them.I don't have time for these sort of people with nothing better to do than watching everyone else and moaning about their actions.
I certainly wouldn't be moving. They can jog on.

I can't believe this comment. This loving father is trying to support his daughter and this is the comment you make?

You're probably the same person who also bashes fathers if they don't step up.

Honestly this forum is sometimes just awful and obnoxious

I think trying g to get them onside may be helpful.

She could knock on the door of the resident association person and just being some biscuits apologise for the misunderstanding, kiss arse and suck up which may get them on side. I've done this before and it's worked. Also she can ask him what the rules are etc so everyone is clear. If that really doesn't work then consider moving

@Helpmepleaseimbusy not sure why you picked my post out of all the others who said there’s nothing for OP to do, it’s his daughters actions for her to sort. Do parent need to ‘step up’ for their well-into adulthood kids? The issues can all be easily resolved-park considerately, smoke considerately, other people staring is a them-problem. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nothing wrong with a parent looking for a solution to suggest to their adult children.

I picked on your post because I liked it least.

I had something similar many years ago when aged late 20's and on my own bought a house which had sheltered council flats at the back. Some of those miserable hits made my life hell bitching and moaning about truly petty stuff. One day as I was walking up the lane, one of the old men started in me. I wasn't in the mood for any more of it and answered back loudly enough for many of the others to hear. Told him he was a miserable old bully and needed to find something better to do with his time than pick in me. It stopped after that and I had a few of the other neighbours sidle up to me when I was out walking the dogs and say well done. Sometimes speaking up for yourself is all that's needed.
The other thing I have noticed over the years is that some older people who own their properties look down on those who rent and can be quite spiteful to them.

Bedtime!!

Whoops, sorry

wrong thread 😂

It is horrible when this happens. Good for you sticking up for yourself x

If they bully your daughter out who do they think will move in? It's a rented property - it could be much worse than someone whose friend once parked in the wrong place.
They are being ridiculous.
But I think she should wave at the neighbours - be friendly. They obviously have nothing better to do with their time.

Thanks for all the comments. I wanted to help my daughter at the point when things were at there most toxic because the politics of it all were just too overwhelming for her ,but i didn't really know how to approach it either.At least I think it helped for her to talk to me about the petty incidents that in the end were just too many to deal with.The last one being when she was backing into her carport , the neighbour watering his planters above that ended all over my daughters windscreen , some would say a coincidence but i/we dont think so.She also had an argument with one of them so I think it has come to a point that she has had enough of it all because its really unlike her to lose it like this.
She's looking to move now which I think really is the best thing to do in the circumstances.
No one ever complained about her smoking , the neighbour just made a pointless observation about it just like the one she made about my car.
Anyway the mews has two new young residents so that will mean it will become a bit more balanced in age as my daughter comes to the end of her stay.She doesn't want to talk about it now its obvious.She had a laugh about the fact that when it gets too hot she doesn't see any of them.
She was bullied at school her final year but in the end all the talking and meetings with teachers didn't help it was the two other girls that were outside of the group that she made friends with that got her through , historical but relevant that she has a new young neighbour that she can talk to now which helps with the older bullies , which really they were.
She's moving on , thanks all.

I’d have fun with this. If someone was staring I’d go over and start an enormous conversation. It’s good practice for her dealing with difficult situations and people, she needs to charm each and every one of them.

I have a strange neighbour who I did this with. When we first moved in he’d stare down our driveway to see what building work was happening, and he reported us to the council for something we weren’t actually doing. But I carried on being very pleasant and was gobsmacked one day to be invited in to take a load of his incredibly nice homegrown tomatoes. Massive breakthrough.

Even though he’s not the most overly friendly person to anyone now he’ll always say hello to me.

Get her to try it, acting skills come in useful!