Son returning after finishing uni - aimless and down

[chickenfoot]

DS is 22 and will be returning home in the summer after finishing uni. His uni experience has not been what he'd hoped - he started in 2020 and the restrictions and lockdowns meant he didn't have the opportunity to meet lots of new people . He didn't meet anyone on his course for the first year as all lessons were online, and his halls were small and had 50% international students .

He's enjoyed his course and has been doing well academically but the social side of things never took off. He retreated into his shell in year 2 , and didn't or wasn't able to make the extra effort to try to rectify this. Both summers he's come home and worked part time in his pre-uni casual job, and not down much else.

He's a bit lost , he's lonely and says he feels low level depressed . He's not had any counselling at uni, though I've suggested it several times over the 3 years.

He's no idea what he wants to do after uni , so I'm worried about how it's gong to be when he comes home. How can we support him and help him build his confidence but not enable him?

Get him back into his old job to start with. Will he go to the GP ?

such a shame -

Firstly I would suggest contact with the uni careers service, getting started on anything might help, even if it is something he tries for a year and decides isnt for him

Secondly, can he reconnect with old school friends? Lots of ex students are returning to home these days

Thirdly, any local sports clubs? voluntry work? conservation work? That could get him out and about and active?

Tell him to go to the university careers service.

Can you say what he studied?

www.prospects.ac.uk advertise graduate training jobs. The career service will help him locate other vacancies.

Sounds like the same experience my dd has had.
She coming home and will work where she worked last summer to take some time to work out what is next for her.
She's not sure what direction she wants her career to go in yet and is done with education and she needs some time to heal mentally.
Hopefully she can catch up with old friends and I know that working there boosts her self confidence loads and works wonders for her mental health so this is the best for her at the moment.

You sound lovely and supportive OP - he's lucky to have you as his mum.

Agree with suggesting the Uni Careers Service. Did he have an idea of what job he wanted to do when he chose his degree?

Also agree with trying to persuade him to go to the GP about his depression.

So sorry that his Uni experience hadn't been what he expected. Some young adults have really had an awful time with lockdown and then strikes by the lecturers. I'm not complaining about them striking but it has had an effect on students that already have had to deal with lockdown and virtual learning.

Does he want that social experience do you think?
There are other options, although not brilliantly paid that offer similar social experiences as they are live-in working for Outdoor Activity Centres like Kingswood or PGL, World Challenge, Camp America, working abroad in holiday resorts etc

If he doesn't then taking six months off to go back to his old job to decompress and start looking at graduate schemes or other work opportunities is no bad thing, although returning to the family home is challenging and feels like stepping backwards. If he is going to stay at yours longer term it may be worth redecorating his room, making it more grown up to make that transition from teen to adult instead of going back to his childhood bedroom.

Just back from a dog walk - thanks for all the helpful replies, and sorry to hear about those of you whose children are experiencing similar.

To answer a few questions, his degree does not directly open up an employment path (think humanities/ social sciences sort of subjects ). He chose because it interested him. I'm glad he did as the fact that he's enjoyed the learning at uni has at least been a positive.

He's got friends at home but none of them went to uni or did A levels so he's less close to them than he was before he left for uni.

Great suggestions re GP and uni careers service. I'm not sure he'll follow through with GP , given he found reasons not access free and quality counselling services at Uni, but I'll keep trying . He knows he needs to go to the uni careers service , but it's one of the things he's put off to date - which is a trait of his. He pushes ideas and suggestions into the long grass and then reflects back at a later date, realising he has missed the opportunity and then berating himself for doing this.

Thanks for the suggestion about redecorating his bedroom, that's a great idea and exactly the sort of small change I hope can be helpful to indicate that he's moved on from when he left for uni.

I'd love him to do the travel/ volunteering / activity type schemes suggested here as I think it'd do wonders for his confidence, but I worry at the moment that his self confidence is too low to see this as an opportunity.

He pushes ideas and suggestions into the long grass and then reflects back at a later date, realising he has missed the opportunity and then berating himself for doing this.

My DS has inattentive ADHD and does this. Just mentioning it in case it's a possibility with your DS? Have either of you ever looked at the symptoms?

That's an interesting suggestion and not something I've ever considered before . He has no trouble organising his studies or focussing his attention on his subject etc . I've interpreted it more as a lack of confidence/ anxiety type of behaviour- he pays lip service to a suggestion but because it would push him out of his comfort zone, he says he'll consider it next week / after exams / next year etc etc but then that time never comes

Gosh I can really relate to this - both myself when I graduated and my daughter. Think it’s a tough time of life and many of my friends young adults going through same. Think decorating room, going back to old job, being part of running home so being responsible for managing a meal for everyone 1 night a week or something - all help with feeling more adult whilst he makes his decisions. I do think traveling is the making of young people. Especially something like volunteering like Operation Raleigh , or orphanage work in Africa or Asia.. working towards saving for that early next year. He will be scared for sure, but I have seen this be the making of many young people - probably include myself in that too!
I wish you all loads of luck x

Thank you for these suggestions - and your understanding!

Has he applied for any grad schemes? The Post Office one has just opened for applications for Autumn intake. There are multiple paths within the scheme

Does he have much disposable income to travel for a bit? Even a month?

My son and his girlfriend got some brilliant volunteering opportunities with Workaway in Europe and Morocco, lodgings and meals provided. Would he consider something like this.

He has got money from his 21st, so it's the confidence that's stopping him, not the finance

I suggested workaway to him last summer, and he shrugged and didn't discuss it again, but thanks for the reminder - I shall suggest it again if/when the time is right

Confidence is a big one to overcome.

Does he go to the gym at all? Do any kind of martial art?

I appreciate his confidence may be stopping him here too. Trying to think of something that might flip that switch.

Fear is such a fog. You just have to walk through it to realise it isn't real. So it's finding the thing he can walk through it for.

JamSandle - you are so right. It's finding the right strategy or idea that'll enable him to move forwards rather than holding himself back. He's knows this on an intellectual level but can't seem to act on it

Hello chickenfoot, I'm really sorry to hear about your son - I am experiencing exactly the same although slightly worse perhaps as my 21 year old son in year 3 who sounds very similar to yours, came home on Sunday to tell us that he hadn't gone to his lectures for 2 months. He has ended up feeling so low from his general uni experience from 2020 through to the beginning of this year, that he just gave up and clearly now can't finish his degree in this semester.
So I now have him at home trying to salvage what we can of the 2 years he has already studied and he will have to go back to do this semester next Spring at least, to be able to graduate at all. I took him to his GP at Uni on Monday and we go back next week so I'm hoping they can help him feel better in himself going forward. I just am not sure what on earth to do with him now - whether to try to get him to work/find something to do with his time? How much to try manage him myself to get better and look positively to the future and how much to let him recover a bit? Just feel completely heartbroken for him as he has just had, like your son, a really bad run of luck going to Uni when he did.
Am following your thread for ideas and support from others as usually I know what to do but feel very lost with how to 'sort this out'.
Let's hope brighter times are ahead.

He needs to feel like he has a choice and control rather than allowing himself to feel pushed around.

My suggestion would be to also encourage uni careers service. He can also access local to hone uni careers under reciprocal arrangements.

Suggest he use this site fir volunteering opportunities. He can see what’s out there and he can always turn stuff down. But sometimes volunteering gives the confidence to progress.

https://doit.life/volunteering

I had a miserable time at Uni (30 + years ago now) and look back on the residential job I did for the following 2 years as my 'Uni experience'.

Your son might not have to go far outside his comfort zone to do something similar. I stayed in the UK and worked in a field studies type centre, so you coukd look at that type of thing. Yes it was a couple if years of (very) low pay, but worth it ten times over for the life experience.

Lots of other graduates in the same place was important though, residential work in a hotel by yourself wouldn't have worked the same. I found mine through Uni careers, not just for the graduate entry jobs...

My DS has done 2 degrees now and is still stuck in rut not knowing what he wants to do. It's draining me watching him do nothing. Total solidarity from me, I hope things get better for your DS soon, sorry I have nothing to suggest. As I'm worn out suggesting to my own I don't feel I could help atm.

So sorry to hear of your situation. How has it been since you posted?

Thanks to all the posts - so much empathy and understanding . My DS handed his final work in this week, and after the initial high of meeting the deadline he's been low. Very tired all the time and feeling lonely. His social circle at uni has been so small. He's going to come home tomorrow as he is feeling rubbish in his flat, and will go back with us at home point next month to move out properly . He's not been to the uni careers service yet.

I want to gee him up and suggest plans (driving lessons, bar work, travel, volunteering, martial arts, counselling) and make sure he doesn't just sit in his room and feel worse , but I'm also aware he's a 22 year old adult who won't benefit from his mum trying to organise his life for him . As someone said up thread, he needs something to 'flick the switch', and change his mindset to open up opportunities

I can remember feeling exactly this way 30-odd years ago when I graduated (with that invisibility cloak called a 2:2 in English) into quite the worst job market that graduates had ever experienced. Like your DS I had, and still have, a tendency to put off any big decisions, application forms etc. (and for separate reasons have never managed to build a ‘career’ as such, although I have had jobs).

It’s anxiety that’s at the bottom of this, the kind of insidious beast that leeches on to every circumstance going and can’t be banished by any number of goals ticked off a list. Your DS first and foremost needs to understand and handle that anxiety for himself. Once he does, he’ll realise that it doesn’t really matter very much what he chooses to do after graduation, as long as he tries something different. He’s probably reassured by the clear structure of taught courses and timetables, and terrified of being asked what he wants when he doesn’t know. It’s all right to be unsure, to flounder for a bit, and to find opportunities unappealing. And not everyone ends up with a conventional career either. That’s all OK. But he’ll need space to express his feelings and work out what they mean (neurodivergence? medical issue? life changes?) before choosing what to do.