Daughter overweight- advice please

[ladythatlunched]

My daughter is overweight and has been for several years now (she’s 21 years old and around 4st overweight) It’s gradually increasing all the time. We have tried various methods, calorie counting, healthy eating etc. These methods do work but she loses a few pounds and then stops trying or she loses interest in the healthy eating after a week or so.
She is on anxiety meds (very low dose) and I feel that she would benefit physically & mentally if she lost weight.
The problem is that she just won’t commit. She needs to do a plan for longer than a week to get the results that she needs but she eats healthy for a few days then has a cheat day!

She wants me to fix her, but I can’t stand over her all day and I also feel like it has to come from her. She makes me feel like I don’t continue with the plan when it’s always her that stops doing it.
I try & talk lovingly & supportively about it as I know how damaging a mothers words can be but I just don’t know what to do.
Can anyone offer some advice please?

There r no cheats, there are healthy foods and less healthy foods, don’t go all tight corset or it’s impossible to stick to long term.
Cook healthy meals together (not nasty diet foods she sees as a punishment) include a limited amount of her favourite less healthy foods. Joining a diet club could be an option, or doing an online one or just calorie counting. Go for walks together so u r both getting exercise.

Can anyone offer some advice please?

She's an adult. She needs to do this herself, in a sustainable way that works for her, irrespective of what you think she should or should not do. There is no input from you that can "fix" her.

Do not talk about it. Do not discuss it. If the right combination of words were somehow a magic key to motivate her, you'd have found it already. It is clear she knows what she needs to do, now she needs to figure out why nothing she's tried has been sustainable and that is on her, not you.

I was thinking of insisting on a daily walk together, we can start that today!
I was also considering a diet club, I personally don’t really like them, I feel like they don’t work in the long term but I guess it might be worth it to get some weight off, see where it takes us.

You are over-involved in this! You shouldn’t be involved at all — she’s an adult. Quite shocked by this tbh.

I can understand how it could have come to this point — but it is really necessary for you to lovingly detach from the issue. It isn’t helpful for her to have her mum so enmeshed with her weight loss journey.

What about...

Getting a Fitbit each and you can put it on challenge mode and you challenge eachother either over a day or week and the winner is the one who does the most steps. We do this with about 16 of us in work over the week and the winner gets a novelty £1 shop prize but it's fun

What about intermittent fasting - have a look online different plans are for different ages but a plan looks like you can eat whatever foods that want within an 8 hour window

Avoid 'empty' calories - pop, sweets

Have what she wants but smaller portion - even things like butter still have it but get the lighter version and use half as much. Mayo get the lighter version and use half as much. If she eats garlic bread and would have 5 pieces then cut it down gradually to 3 pieces.

Cleaning tea - look online about chamomile / ginger tea - it can really help with loosing weight

Getting good sleep - get her sleep in check, comfy pillows, bedding, lavender under the pillow/spray

Try yoga at home together if you don't want to do a class - loads on you tube - make it fun. Start with 10 min sites a day and work it up

Have a look at mini bikes - people use them in their office and peddle while working she could do that while watching tv

Mindfullness - look on you tube/ get self help books - perhaps there's a reason mentality why she is struggling with her weight

Hypnotherapy - honestly this can work so well and whip those bad eating habits out the window very quickly . My sister went for smoking had theee sessions and now she can't even smell a cigarette without feeling sick

Get off social media - if she's looking on Instagram etc at all these skinny women that will be motivating for some but highly drama gong and demotivating for others

Avoid snacking - eat o lot at meals times 3x a day

Wall exercise - have a look online it's a new fad but apparently works - it's where you work out using the wall in the comfort and privacy of your own home and no equipment required

@gwenneh honestly, this is how I feel but I feel guilty about it. I cook her evening meal, we eat healthily anyway and I cook everything from scratch. I feel like she is expecting me to do it for her but I can’t.

@CovetedAsFuck youre easily shocked tbh....what are you so shocked about, that they have a good relationship and she wants to help....youre strange

Are you prepared to insist on these things forever? Attend the diet club forever?

How is an actual change for your daughter's benefit going to come from you? What happens when you no longer want to or are able to sustain it?

Your involvement continues to provide her with the excuses she needs to not make the actual changes herself - because it's then your fault, not hers, when things backslide.

Does she live at home? Could you suggest the 2 of you go to slimming world. i see lots of mothers there with their daughers, maybe if she sees the weight coming off she will stick with it.

@CovetedAsFuck you are right, I know 😩

@gwenneh
you dont have to go to these clubs for ever, a lot of people go, lose the weight and have the tools to help them.

@gwenneh you are right. I don’t want to go to a bloody diet club, my idea of actual hell. She does blame me, I know she does. I just don’t know how to make her see it’s not my responsibility

You are correct if the person in question is the one who wanted to acquire the tools in the first place. At this stage, the daughter has no desire to do so - if she wanted to, she would.

I would agree with you 100% if attendance were at the daughter's instigation, but it isn't.

@fairycakes1234 we are considering this, as much as I don’t want to, I may be prepared to go to help her. I am concerned though, that it still leaves the responsibility with me , as I’ll be expected to prepare all the diet meals for her.

@quietnightmare wow! Thanks lovey, lots of help there, I’ll do some research Xx

you say you cook healthily, so why is her weight increasing. Snacking, portion size etc? Maybe don’t have any cakes, biscuits etc in the house.

Try an increase protein and reduce carbs, especially processed carbs, bread etc.

Having daily walks is a good idea. Maybe build it up:slowly if she’s reluctant, a quick ten minute walk before Eastenders comes on etc, and then slowly extend duration and distance.

Why does she blame you?

I am very overweight, I was very overweight as a child - I can see that at that point it wasn’t my fault as such as adults should have been more responsible for what I was eating. As an adult though it’s on me, it’s my responsibility to sort it.

If you’re cooking, you could cook healthy stuff in sensible portions, but beyond that it’s up to her.

First, tell her you can't take responsibility for it - only she can. Make that crystal clear. Help by not having binge-triggering foods in the house and not using them in meal prep - this includes white bread and flour, white sugar, pastry, cake, biscuits, sweet drinks, very sugary fruit like super-sweet apples and grapes.

Discuss healthy meals with her that fulfil her nutritional requirements - plenty of lean protein, veg, complex carbs, low sugar fruits like berries etc.

Would she be up for the two of you going on an exploration of favourite physical activity together with a goal of finding three different physical things she likes doing enough to do them once a week. Try different styles of dance, from Zumba to ballet, fitness classes, bootcamps and weight training, running club, swimming, cycling, rowing, yoga, pilates, home fitness DVDs. Go to trial classes three times a week and keep going back to the ones she enjoys until she's established a routine.

When she wants to discuss something with you, get into the habit of going for a walk to talk it through rather than sitting with coffee and cake. Encourage her to mix with sportier friends. A friend's son lost three stone when he swapped unis and went from a friendship group that loved beer and pub quizzes to a group that went out running together. The more she socialises with people who are active teh more likely it is to become a habit for her.

Also, I find having an aim helps. Ie. I’ve got a wedding to go to. I’m using that as my goal to loose weight by. Maybe set a goal for end of may, and if she looses 4lb by then, she gets a reward - cinema ticket, make-up, and if she looses a stone by July, a spa afternoon etc.

@Riverlee we font have any treats in the house, lots of fruit etc
Honestly I don’t know why she’s still gaining, she’s very inactive, she works from home & sleeps A LOT!
None of the other family members are overweight and we all eat the same thing. She must be eating outside the home.

@MsMoney she blames me, as in, she wants me to fix it, to be a coach, to control what she eats etc. She doesn’t say this out loud but it’s clear that’s the case.

You can put your own home into diet lockdown, never have another sweet cross the threshold, walk for hours every day - all of which sounds miserable - but if she leaves the house and grabs some sweets or a takeaway on even a semi-regular basis, all of this effort is in vain.

This is why the change has to be something she wants to do, not something you suggest, insist on, etc.

Have you thought about approaching this in a different way? You mention she is on anxiety meds, and you say losing weight would help with that but perhaps it's the other way round? It might be better to get her some counselling or mentoring which would help with her anxiety and then she would feel more able to tackle the weight and exercise. Sometimes people need advice and help from an outsider rather than their mums or family members.

@RoseRobot Thanks, this is very helpful, I’ll have a look for some groups x

If she's buying her own packs of doughnuts or whatever then there's not a lot you can do. I'd deffo try a slimming club first though, do you have any wright to lose?