Daughter overweight- advice please

[ladythatlunched]

My daughter is overweight and has been for several years now (she’s 21 years old and around 4st overweight) It’s gradually increasing all the time. We have tried various methods, calorie counting, healthy eating etc. These methods do work but she loses a few pounds and then stops trying or she loses interest in the healthy eating after a week or so.
She is on anxiety meds (very low dose) and I feel that she would benefit physically & mentally if she lost weight.
The problem is that she just won’t commit. She needs to do a plan for longer than a week to get the results that she needs but she eats healthy for a few days then has a cheat day!

She wants me to fix her, but I can’t stand over her all day and I also feel like it has to come from her. She makes me feel like I don’t continue with the plan when it’s always her that stops doing it.
I try & talk lovingly & supportively about it as I know how damaging a mothers words can be but I just don’t know what to do.
Can anyone offer some advice please?

She wants you to be in control so she doesn't have to be. That's never going to work long term.

Yeah, I know, but I need for her to see that. I do keep getting involved though, because she asks for my help. I’m her mum. I’m worried that I f she doesn’t lose some weight soon, it’ll become a real problem.

You need for her to see that - and that's not something in your control.

Your daughter is a functional adult which means that she, and not you, is the only one who can correct this problem. If you don't let go of the idea that you can somehow enforce a lifestyle change and the mental shift that needs to go along with it, you will be increasing the long-term damage to your daughter's health by allowing her to shift the responsibility to you.

You can be supportive. You can commiserate, you can cheer her on. What you can't do is make her take responsibility for herself. That is up to her.

I am convinced that the anxiety is linked. I managed to persuade her to go to the Dr and she is in meds now. Her mood has improved but when she went for her 1st month check, the Dr wanted to up the dose and she refused! said she doesn’t want to take a higher dose. I’m hoping when she goes back next time she will accept the higher dose.

Yes I agree with this.
If you can help her to get the help she needs that could be good.
Beyond that I don’t think there’s anything you can do, and if you put yourself out more and more to help her it could risk her becoming more dependent on you and to never understand that this is for her to do for herself.

You can do weightwatchers online ( would mean you wouldn't have to go with her and only pay for one🤔). I've done it a couple of times over a lifetime of dieting. Last time was a good few years ago and I lost over three stone (put two thirds of it slowly back on🙄 but it does work.......note to self need to start again and put the maltezers away😂). However motivation has to come from her not you. Decide to not take responsibility and point out she is an adult if she tries to blame you! If your a really soft mum like me you could offer to pay as a present😜

There are other avenues that could be helpful to her, like meditation (has basically cured me of chronic overthinking and anxiety), if she’s reluctant to take drugs it might be worth her exploring other things.

I forgot to mention water

Drink a pint of water before every meal as sometime our bodies tell us we are hungry but we are actually thirsty

And

If she goes food shopping with you make sure she has eaten and is NOT hungry before you go. When your hungry and go food shopping you buy things you wouldn't if you were not hungry

Ah, good idea, thanks x

Thank you all, some very good advice and ideas x

Just another thought, have you had her thyroid checked? Symptoms include weight gain and depression?

symptoms

Blimey! All the same symptoms!!! Thank you, I’ll get her checked Xx

GP to check for medical reasons is a good idea, beyond that I'd take a big step back on this. 21 year olds shouldn't feel their weight is their DMs responsibility, that's an unhealthy dynamic. I've watched this unfold between my DM and DSis for over 15 years now. DSis still thinks everything wrong in her life is DMs responsibility, DM is still trying to 'fix' things for DSis. They both try to drag me into it too, but I've stopped engaging. They both resent and blame the other, but neither is willing to try and change things. My DSis also has MH issues that she won't deal with which obviously doesn't help the situation. It's her body, her life, her responsibility, you can encourage and support but you can't fix this for her.

Difficult for you .. don't think it's wrong to help her , if she's asking for help, but ultimately it has to come from her.
I think putting on weight is much easier than it used to be. Food is everywhere, tempting and loaded with calories.. Have you tested her for any thyroid issues. If you are all much slimmer, and it's a healthy household, then may be worth checking out thyroid just in case. Good luck x

Daily walk sounds good and hopefully will help with the anxiety too.

If you can, would you consider paying for a dietician? There are some great ones out there that are very much all about teaching you sustainable weight management.

if your daughter doesn’t adopt new habits she will be stuck in a cycle of weight loss / weight gain and the weight gain may be higher than the loss

Does your doctor's surgery have links to a 'well being' coach. My weight plateaued. The surgery nurse referred me to the well being coach. She took a look at how I lived, what food I ate and when I ate, hydration, exercise levels, and talked to me about what I did and didn't like and what I thought about different types of exercise and food. She was able to point out bad habits I had got into and had many sensible ideas on how I could change my habits and be more healthy, but they were ideas that worked for me. It wasn't some general plan that I had to fit into. I am losing 1 lb a week which is sustainable, I don't feel hungry, I don't feel deprived. I really would not have taken well to either Slimming World or Weight Watchers.

Thank you, someone else has mentioned the thyroid, so I’ll get her checked Xx

Thank you, we have looked at a local dietitian but she had such a long waiting list and was very expensive. I’ll do some research xx

Yes they do! I think she is already seeing her for her anxiety but I guess she could talk to her about her weight too. I’ll suggest that to her, thank you x

Most (nearly all) people who do calorie-restrictive diets put all the weight back on, if not more, within the year. Your daughter’s
experience is totally typical. (You might ask why we don’t have better alternatives but that’s a different thread).

However it seems like there’s more going on here, she’s using dieting as a way of getting your attention. Can you refocus your interactions on to a different subject? Do an art class together, take up ju-jitsu, learn Spanish? Take the spotlight off food/weight/appearance for both your sakes.

Afraid it needs to come from her.

You can offer to walk with her, fast with her, join a gym with her. But you can't do it for her. Part of the process of losing weight/getting healthier is the commitment.

It sounds like she lives with you. So where is she getting her unhealthy foods from if you're cooking her healthy meals?

Do you have junky stuff in your cupboards, fridge or freezer, such as crisps, biscuits, cake, ice cream etc? If you do, they are probably too much of a temptation. I'd suggest removing them all and don't buy any more. Then DD would have to deliberately go out and buy her own junk to eat. She's at liberty to do that of course, but it won't be your fault if she does. Ultimately, it's up to her how what weight she wants to be and how healthy she wants to be.

What about booking a fantastic holiday somewhere in the sun for next summer? That would give her an incentive to lose weight and something for you both to look forward to.

Is there a local yoga class or something like aquarobics? I'd say that you fancy trying it and ask her to come with you.

what drugs is she on? Some people gain weight on antidepressants