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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Mum is controlling me

38 replies

Karoo1 · 07/04/2023 01:05

I'm a 21 year old female who recently had an argument with my mother about the cerfews she has on me. I'm not allowed to see my boyfriend more than once a week and I have to come back by 7pm. I'm also banned from going on vacation with friends. Could anyone give me advice on what to do because I tried to compromise but she just guilt trips me into thinking I'm ungrateful.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 07/04/2023 01:18

Maybe is time to leave home. Have you got a full time job?

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/04/2023 01:22

If you live at home you have to follow the rules. The rules are ridiculous, but it’s your mums house. You need to move out.
You don’t need to ask permission to see your boyfriend, you can see him every day if you like, I guess you just have to be home by 7. You don’t have to tell you mum everything.

Cleanfreshface · 07/04/2023 01:33

My mum was like this when I was younger and that's why I moved out at 20. I was never allowed to have friends/boyfriends over, even for a couple of hours in the evening. She always use to say that it was because she had to be up early for work so needed to sleep without being disturbed, but we literally went to sleep at the same time as we also had to be up early for work so it made no difference what so ever if someone occasionally stayed the night or spent a couple of hours at the house. I never had a curfew but she did use to make me feel guilty if I came in late on a weekend, again, occasionally as I was never a big drinker. It pissed me off no end, especially because I was paying keep but couldn't even have a friend over for a couple of hours without being made to feel bad. Can you afford to move out?

Cleanfreshface · 07/04/2023 01:35

P.S, I'm 27 now and LOVE having my own place. I have so much freedom and don't need to ask anyones permission for anything. I can do what I want. I love my mum dearly, but would never move back home.

Guavafish1 · 07/04/2023 01:37

Yes ...time to rent a room.

OhcantthInkofaname · 07/04/2023 01:41

You indicated you were 21 years old. Are you employed ? Are you saving money to move out?

ComputerWifeKaren · 07/04/2023 01:56

If you're under her roof, you're under her house rules. Therefore, you need to move out and be self sustainable.
I moved out at 19. Do you have a job?

Chandalie · 07/04/2023 02:50

Yes, you live at home and it's your mums house but you're 21 and having to be home by 7 is ridiculous, esp if you're contributing financially and contributing to the household in other ways such as cleaning up, helping out etc.

You do have to respect tbe rules but sometimes compromise is needed so that both you and your mum can feel respected.

II have adult kids and I would never expect this of my 20 Yr old. She works and is entitled to a life as am I. What if she wanted to meet up with friends after work? She should be able to. I would also expect her to stay out late occasionally so long as she comes home safely as I do also.

Choose the right time and calmly ask your mum to explain why she wants you home by 7pm, or why you can't holiday with friends or see your boyfriend more than once a week It could be that even though your an adult she's very 'overprotective' of you and is worried about what might happen if you have more freedom. Her rules are most probably coming from love.

If you can't come to an agreement and you have a job start saving now for a deposit so you can move out/flat share etc because you will most likely feel better mentally after moving out, and your relationship with your mum will most probably improve.

Morestrangerthings · 07/04/2023 03:00

That’s very controlling behaviour on the part of your mum. Do you work or are you still studying?

Morestrangerthings · 07/04/2023 03:01

I should have written ‘I agree that is very controlling behaviour.’

difficultdifficultlemondifficult · 07/04/2023 03:22

I would start making necessary steps to move out.

But I also wouldn't be following her batshit controlling rules either in the mean time.

You can go out and return home as and when you please as long as you are respectful and quiet.

You are free to go on holiday whenever and with whoever you like.

You can see your boyfriend whenever you want. Just don't see him at your house so she can't interfere with your relationship.

The whole my roof my rules thing is fair enough for things like bringing a one night stand back, crashing round the house at 2am drunk, leaving the kitchen or bathroom in a mess etc etc... but what she is doing to you is not right and it is not healthy.

I wouldn't engage with her at-all from now on when you want to do something that breaks the 'rules'.

vodkaredbullgirl · 07/04/2023 03:53

Move out

SeemsSoUnfair · 07/04/2023 17:57

What are your circumstances? Are you working? Can you afford to save and move out?

Her rules are excessive, but there is not too much you can do other than ignore them and take the consequences. What would happen if you did?

Wolfiefan · 07/04/2023 18:10

So you need to move out!

Mendholeai · 07/04/2023 18:19

7pm??? What is her justification for that? I know of prisons that are more relaxed!!! Save up a deposit and move.

Alternatively, gave a conversation and explain what coercive control is. Calmly state your rights as an adult and tell her that she is driving you away and your relationship will suffer. Give her a chance to change. Is she religious?

mamnotmum · 07/04/2023 18:21

Karoo1 · 07/04/2023 01:05

I'm a 21 year old female who recently had an argument with my mother about the cerfews she has on me. I'm not allowed to see my boyfriend more than once a week and I have to come back by 7pm. I'm also banned from going on vacation with friends. Could anyone give me advice on what to do because I tried to compromise but she just guilt trips me into thinking I'm ungrateful.

Get your own house and live by your rules or stay in her house and live by her rules?

2bazookas · 07/04/2023 18:27

Leave home. Get your own place, do your own shopping, laundry, cooking, and pay your own bills.

MyriadOfTravels · 07/04/2023 18:39

2bazookas · 07/04/2023 18:27

Leave home. Get your own place, do your own shopping, laundry, cooking, and pay your own bills.

Can I point out that you have no idea what the OP is doing at home?

For all you know, she is doing all her launders, is cooking most if the meals and is paying rent.
Not all 21yo are ungrateful people who don’t lift a finger at home….

MyriadOfTravels · 07/04/2023 18:42

@Karoo1 I agrée with others.
Your mum is controlling but the only way to get your independence is to move out.

Not to want to defend her but as a mum of a 20 yo, it can be hard to adjust to seeing your child/teen become an adult and live their life their way. That’s incl using having a bf or gf that isn’t to your taste 🤪🤪
And the best way to make that transition easier, Imo, is to move out (whether it’s university, your own place etc…)

Are you working atm or are you studying?

FrenchandSaunders · 07/04/2023 18:42

Weird behaviour. Ignore the curfews. What would she do if you came home later?

Its not quite so easy to just move out like others have said.

were you a bit of a nightmare teen and she’s still reacting to that? One of mine was ‘tricky’ and at 22 I still worry a lot about her although she’s changed and grown up a lot. Although I wouldn’t behave like your mum is!

strawberry2017 · 07/04/2023 18:48

Very OTT!

Mumof1andacat · 07/04/2023 18:50

Time to leave. Can you rent a room in a house share?

Ilovelurchers · 07/04/2023 18:50

The OP may not be in a financial position to move out. She may be unable to earn sufficiently to do this, through no fault of her own.

OP, her treatment of you sounds bizarrely controlling and abusive. What does she threaten you with if you DON'T respect the curfews etc - what would the consequences be?

Is there a relevent context to the Draconian rules, such as her observing a religion which disapproves of unmarried women spending unchaperoned evenings in male company, etc? Not that this justifies her conduct, unless these are your religious and moral views too (clearly not or you wouldn't be posting) - I am just trying to make sense of the whole thing.

Original poster
Karoo1 · 07/04/2023 23:37

Ilovelurchers · 07/04/2023 18:50

The OP may not be in a financial position to move out. She may be unable to earn sufficiently to do this, through no fault of her own.

OP, her treatment of you sounds bizarrely controlling and abusive. What does she threaten you with if you DON'T respect the curfews etc - what would the consequences be?

Is there a relevent context to the Draconian rules, such as her observing a religion which disapproves of unmarried women spending unchaperoned evenings in male company, etc? Not that this justifies her conduct, unless these are your religious and moral views too (clearly not or you wouldn't be posting) - I am just trying to make sense of the whole thing.

It's an old fashioned strict cultural way I'm being raised on I think. I don't have a sustainable job, it's commission based and is basically pocket money. I could possibly risk becoming homeless. Yes I have money to move out but eventually i won't be able to afford to pay rent if I continue without a decent paying job. I'm a uni student so I can't work full time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karoo1 · 07/04/2023 23:39

MyriadOfTravels · 07/04/2023 18:42

@Karoo1 I agrée with others.
Your mum is controlling but the only way to get your independence is to move out.

Not to want to defend her but as a mum of a 20 yo, it can be hard to adjust to seeing your child/teen become an adult and live their life their way. That’s incl using having a bf or gf that isn’t to your taste 🤪🤪
And the best way to make that transition easier, Imo, is to move out (whether it’s university, your own place etc…)

Are you working atm or are you studying?

I do both, but the money I get from my job isn't enough to pay for rent in the long term.

OP posts: