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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Mum is controlling me

38 replies

Karoo1 · 07/04/2023 01:05

I'm a 21 year old female who recently had an argument with my mother about the cerfews she has on me. I'm not allowed to see my boyfriend more than once a week and I have to come back by 7pm. I'm also banned from going on vacation with friends. Could anyone give me advice on what to do because I tried to compromise but she just guilt trips me into thinking I'm ungrateful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Karoo1 · 07/04/2023 23:41

Mendholeai · 07/04/2023 18:19

7pm??? What is her justification for that? I know of prisons that are more relaxed!!! Save up a deposit and move.

Alternatively, gave a conversation and explain what coercive control is. Calmly state your rights as an adult and tell her that she is driving you away and your relationship will suffer. Give her a chance to change. Is she religious?

She's not religious, but controlling. In fact she uses religious families to justify why I should be grateful for the way that she treats me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Karoo1 · 07/04/2023 23:42

No I don't I'm a uni student so the best I can do is a part time job at most, which isn't enough to live comfortably

OP posts:

Original poster

Karoo1 · 07/04/2023 23:45

Morestrangerthings · 07/04/2023 03:00

That’s very controlling behaviour on the part of your mum. Do you work or are you still studying?

I'm studying, going into my final year and I have a job that won't be able to pay off rent fully due to it being commission based

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/04/2023 23:50

She is controlling yes.

Make a plan to move out in 18 months. How will you achieve that?

In the meantime I would access your college counselling service, it would be good to talk to someone and make sure it doesn’t tip into abuse.

JJ8765 · 07/04/2023 23:53

Are you eligible for a student loan to cover rent?

MoongazyHare · 08/04/2023 00:00

Take out the full student loan you can, and move into student halls. Your job will help you top up what you need. Then you can get a full time job the minute you finish and rent a room somewhere. A house share would be ideal while you find your feet - it can be a big culture shock to break with the sort of home life you describe.

But more importantly - see your student counselling services straight away, and tell them everything about how you are being controlled. They will help you. Good luck.

Original poster

Karoo1 · 08/04/2023 00:07

JJ8765 · 07/04/2023 23:53

Are you eligible for a student loan to cover rent?

Luckily I get maximum loan, but what's let isn't going to be able to sustain me for long if I don't get a decent paying job

OP posts:

MoongazyHare · 08/04/2023 00:09

Karoo1 · 08/04/2023 00:07

Luckily I get maximum loan, but what's let isn't going to be able to sustain me for long if I don't get a decent paying job

Show quote history

But surely you are eligible for loan to contribute to the additional maintenance costs if you aren’t living at home? Or isn’t there any distinction now? (I was at university over 30 years ago so a lot has changed since!)

Original poster

Karoo1 · 08/04/2023 01:01

We don't get additional maintenance, but we can get bursaries for specific things. But they are extremely competitive/ difficult to get. We have grants but they are also as difficult e.g getting estranged requires a maximum of 12 months or so without ANY contact or you need to be assessed as independent by sfe.

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AlexiaR · 08/04/2023 04:10

This is awful and your mum sounds very controlling. It’s realty shitty of her to treat you like this.

Make a plan for your self. Given that this is your last year at university, I would just put my head down and focus on that, and then once you graduate, concentrate on getting a job that will allow you move it. Just hang on in there.

Morestrangerthings · 08/04/2023 05:12

I think AlexiaR may be right OP. But also seeing the student counselling service as suggested by a pp is a good idea, imo.

Missingthegore · 08/04/2023 05:32

Find a house / flat share. Either with uni people or similar.

If you truely believe that you can't leave now make plans to leave soon. E.g. buying your own bedsheets and towels, bedside lamp, knowing how to cook, wash clothes etc.
If you can't keep it at home ask a mate to store it for you until you can move out. Second hand shops will be a way to get set up cheaply.

Learning to cook if you can't is important. Meal prep and weekly food planning is another skill to learn.

Doingmybest12 · 08/04/2023 06:19

ComputerWifeKaren · 07/04/2023 01:56

If you're under her roof, you're under her house rules. Therefore, you need to move out and be self sustainable.
I moved out at 19. Do you have a job?

You can't have a house rule that bans a 21 year old from going on holiday and has to be at home at 7pm. You need to find away to move out though OP as if you go against her and your relationship breaks down she doesn't have to house you. Talk to the uni support people to see if they can help you figure away through or talk to your mum/leave notes to say when you will actually be in etc.

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