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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

When the students come home for the holidays, how is it for you?

30 replies

VoluptuaGoodshag · 05/04/2023 13:18

Share your stories please. My DD has been downright rude and we've had words. When I meet her in her Uni town we always have a lovely time but when she comes home she defaults to 'prickly' and I feel treated with contempt. It was ok at Xmas as she was home for longer and it's as if she takes a few days to settle into home life rhythms but this visit and a previous one I feel like I'm treading on eggshells. Pisses me off and I feel sad at the same time but I refuse to be spoken to the way she speaks to me - I wouldn't take it from any other adult so I'm not taking it from her. No please or thank you and a sense of entitlement. Am half hoping she's just stressed with studying but I don't take it out on others if I'm stressed.

OP posts:

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/04/2023 16:11

Sorry that you haven't had any responses yet @VoluptuaGoodshag.

I'm yet to experience that particular pleasure as DC1 starts later this year.

weegiemum · 08/04/2023 16:20

That's a shame for you OP. MY DD1 and ds both live away from home as students (but in the same city as us) at uni. Dd1 can be a bit standoffish if she's home overnight (she lives with her boyfriend so doesn't come home for holidays) but ds is a star, is up making me coffee like he did when he lived at home and very friendly and fun to be around.

ImAvingOops · 08/04/2023 16:30

I think they get used to pleasing themselves while away, then come home and default to 'child' mode, with house rules and expectations and they kick against it.
But you are right to pull her up on it - she wouldn't speak to a uni lecturer or her friends that way and it isn't acceptable for her to do it to you.
It's a difficult time straddling the gap between child and adult - they are still dependent but they kind of resent it.

WordleInTwo · 08/04/2023 16:34

DS only arrives home today.

I love having him back, but am also happy to wave him off again!

He is is quite polite most of the time, but spends a lot of time out with friends so it can feel a bit like a hotel.

He also travels a lot to see different friends, so we don't see much of him.

We had quite a few behavioural issues when he was around 14/15 when I felt I was being treated like something on the bottom of his shoe! I called him out on it every time and now feel that we have a better relationship. He knows I won't put up with too much and home is more calm and peaceful now boundaries have been set.

Good luck OP and to all parents with stressed students returning home before the next round of exams start.

Sundaycoffeeisthebest · 08/04/2023 16:36

Mine is fine, but gets bored. He's studying, seeing school friends, but I know it's not the same as studying and partying with his university lot.

I am an eldest child, and remember very clearly hating being treated as a child when I came back, so I am trying really hard to treat him.as an adult, but it's a difficult balance, as his younger brother is obviously still a child.

Houseplantmad · 08/04/2023 16:45

My two are home and it’s been lovely so far but I know I will be happy when they return!
I definitely wouldn’t put up with any rudeness and they know they’re expected to pitch in and cook etc.

Panicmode1 · 08/04/2023 16:47

DS is a bit like this - he is studying hard for exams when he goes back and as his terms are so short (Cambridge), he has to catch up with stuff when he's here and it's intense. However, he shuts himself in his room, appears every now and then for food/toast/coffee, eats to his own schedule (bar our evening meal which I ask that we all eat together if we are all home), and then disappears to his room or friends.

The other day he went off with friends and didn't tell us where or when he was back - which wouldn't have been so bad, but he took one of the cars without telling us, and he's only driven a couple of times since he passed his test last year. He swanned in at half midnight, and didn't understand why DH and I were a little bit miffed the next morning. We have three other children - our second child will be going to uni next year, and she's finding his behaviour somewhat rude,so hopefully she won't be similar next year!!

He's never been super chatty, but I'm struggling with the monosyllabic responses and the treating the house like a hotel....he didn't do it at Christmas..! Maybe it's just (another) phase to navigate, but I'm sending empathy because it's not fun.

Motnight · 08/04/2023 16:48

It was awful at first. Dd was in a stage anyway of not being a nice person to us, and she was really unpleasant. She was rude, entitled, selfish.

It calmed down from her second year onwards, I think that she grew up a lot and just became a nicer person towards us in general.

123rd · 08/04/2023 16:49

So strange. The visit home for Christmas ( which was the first long return home visit since DC going to uni) was bloody awful to be honest.
DC reverted back to grunty , mono-syllabic , rude, lazy 15 yr old. Could not wait to get them packed off again.
They weren't like that before they left in sept.
Maybe they feel weird coming home and not having the autonomy of living on their own for a few weeks.
Fingers crossed this Easter visit so far has been lovely. They have been working quite a bit tho, so maybe that helps!

CatWithARabbit · 08/04/2023 16:55

My DD is home for a month and I love it! She's out this afternoon but I'm looking forward to her bouncing in and telling me all the 'chat'. She works part time when she's back and always lets us know where she's going, when she will be back. I know I'm lucky !

TriggeredByGravy · 08/04/2023 16:58

I put it down to no day drinking allowed at home 😂

UsingChangeofName · 08/04/2023 17:02

ImAvingOops · 08/04/2023 16:30

This.
Students - and parents - often find it difficult, particularly in first year, as everyone is trying to work out their place in the world, and in the family.
Parents often expect the teenage schoolchild who left home in September to come home, and they are very different when they have moved out and lived away for 3 or 6 months. They are used to independence, they are used to eating what they want to, when they want to. They are used to living on a different timescale on the whole. They are used to not having to fit into anyone else's timetables.

Mine have mostly stepped back into their jobs at home during University holidays, and I think that made it all a lot easier - gave some structure to the day.

My current student isn't home yet as she is working in her job she has in her University town. It is what it is. What I learned over the years is I usually take them out for lunch or a fancy coffee or something if I want to chat / spend time with them. The default is that they are home to see their old friend, not the family particularly.

ssd · 08/04/2023 17:06

Its busy !!!!

BeeBB · 08/04/2023 17:07

My DS is 19 and an absolute delight apart from the sheer volume of food and snacks he gets through. I love having him home from Uni.

In contrast my DD/his sister in year 13 behaves like yours and possibly worse. She is so moody, nasty, rude and awkward. Never apologies and speaks to me like I am something she has trodden in. I am sad to say but I am counting down the months until she goes to Uni as it will be a relief. I know she is stressed with her A levels but she has been like this for a few years now and no signs of getting any better. She has frequent heavy periods, her diet is absolutely atrocious so suspect she is hangry, has hormone issues, RFID and is a bit Neuro Diverse. But she won’t acknowledge anything, see a counsellor or seek medical help or advice.

My advice would be get up early and go out for the day as we have done today.

JulieHoney · 08/04/2023 17:14

It’s wonderful.

He’s relaxing and enjoying not having to cook for himself for a change. It feels like the whole family has been given a boost. I absolutely love it when he comes home, and he picks up the old threads with his friends as if no time has passed.

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time, OP.

Dyslexicwonder · 08/04/2023 17:19

DS has just turned 19 has been home for a month. We have a few "ground rules", let us know if you are staying out, leave the kitchen and bathroom as you would like to find it. He generally joins us for dinner and/ or a bit of TV of an evening if he is in.

Fluffythefish · 08/04/2023 17:22

I very much agree with @ImAvingOops too. I'm now v old (my kids are well past Uni age) but I still shudder at the memory of how I was at home at the end of each term. For a few days I would behave like a toddler and then settle down to normality again. It wasn't deliberate and it was more the first year than the others but I think it was the transition from adulting for the first time to being in the family context. I don't remember my kids being half as bad as I was (and I did send flowers to my parents when my first went to Uni as I realised how much I had taken for granted as an entitled 18 year old)

CharlotteSometimes1 · 08/04/2023 17:25

It’s lovely when they’re home, even better f all three come at the same time. We don’t have rules as such, but they have never been allowed to talk to us like crap. They love having all the home comforts etc, but after a week or two they’re ready to go and we’re ready to say goodbye.

Puravida23 · 08/04/2023 17:30

My DD is fine , good company but the mess she makes is off the scale. I dread to think what her uni digs must be like if they are all like her.
Unfortunately she gets easily bored so has disappeared back to Uni now with no clue if or when she will be coming back

FluffyHamster · 08/04/2023 17:45

Mostly fine now, but I do remember DS2 being horrid for the first few days back home in his first year of uni! For him/us it was the massive difference in the hours we were keeping - he had drifted into a late to bed/ late riser and we were all getting up and going about our business as usual, but he was waking us up at 2-3am!
Food consumption was also an issue until we worked out a system. In the first weeks back home it was as if he couldn't believe the luck of having a full fridge at his disposal and it seemed he greedily ate everything in sight, without any regard for anyone else in the house! I had to restructure with 'do not touch' shelves for 'main meal' foods in the fridge and lay down some ground rules!

familyissues12345 · 08/04/2023 18:58

I love DS coming home, but I also love it when he goes back. It's a weird dynamic now, he's grown up a lot in the 7 months since he left and he no longer feels like a child of the family which is weird!

He also seems to only come home when he's got something going on with his home mates, which makes me a bit sad, like we're not worth visiting. I know it shouldn't feel like that, but it does!

Oblomov23 · 09/04/2023 11:03

Ds1 was not very pleasant at Christmas, sleeping and barely engaged. Seems much nicer this Easter.

ssd · 09/04/2023 12:21

These threads are really helping me.
I've barely seen ds. Am feeling a bit down about it all.
But reading here, its normal. He's busy with catching up with pals and I've been working a lot do we are like ships in the night. And he goes away soon.
But i should count my blessings.

ssd · 09/04/2023 12:24

I was the sort of daughter who went out to my parents every week when i left home but lived in the same city.
Makes ds and his complete independence feel worse. I dont have girls, i imagine they are more home birds..because i was
But maybe im wrong.

Beamur · 09/04/2023 12:26

My ndn DD is home at the moment. I was in the garden (as they were too) and she was so bossy! Telling her parents what to do, arguing with her brother.
To be fair she was the same when she lived at home too but I'm sure they will love having her home and be equally delighted when she leaves.

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