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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

How to broach the subject of son’s weight gain

38 replies

SweetcornFritter · 02/04/2023 13:44

My 20 year old son is just back from Uni and has put on so much weight in the last few months it has shocked me. I had already broached the subject about a year ago when he first started putting on weight but it just made him angry and defensive. Now he must be at least a stone or more heavier. He is only home for a few weeks a year, and most of them are spent in the company of his girlfriend (who is very slim) so I can’t really put him on a diet for any meaningful length of time and I doubt he’d be very happy if I did.

I want him to be fit and healthy and not to have to live in track suit bottoms for the rest of his life but I know that any attempts to raise the subject again are going to be met with hostility. Has anyone got any advice on how to tackle this or should I just leave it up to him to decide if and when to do something about it?

OP posts:
TheInterceptor · 02/04/2023 13:45

You don't get involved. He's an adult.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2023 13:47

You want to put a 20 year old man on a diet?! He knows he’s overweight, he doesn’t need you to tell him.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 02/04/2023 13:48

He's 20! He can deal with it himself if he wants to. You've already had one discussion with him about it, in which he told you to MYOB (and rightly so). You can't put another adult on a diet, he's not a cat!

NancyJoan · 02/04/2023 13:48

He is well aware of his weight gain. Bite your tongue, it’s all you can do.

BelindaBears · 02/04/2023 13:49

You can’t put a 20 year old man on a diet FFS! Do you think it would be well received if you spoke to him about concerns about his health? It’s probably from booze at his age. I know I wouldn’t have received a similar chat well from my mother at that age (or now, tbh). No one gains a load of weight without realising it, so I’d imagine he either knows and doesn’t care or knows and feels bad about it.

HeddaGarbled · 02/04/2023 13:51

He knows. I know it’s hard to bite your tongue, but you must.

Ilovetea42 · 02/04/2023 13:51

He's an adult, he already knows, and you are overstepping. You say nothing and let him figure it out himself.

Badger1970 · 02/04/2023 13:56

I disagree with all of these comments. I've been overweight since my teens, and my parents never raised it with me. My one stone overweight became six stone at one stage, and I wish to God someone had talked to me about it before it went that far. DH has been the only person in my life to acknowledge it because he knows how utterly miserable it makes me.

It's perfectly acceptable to acknowledge his weight gain and that it worries you. He's over eating for a reason, and it's that that needs tackling. Find the root cause rather than the symptom.

titchy · 02/04/2023 14:11

The reason is he's a student and eats and drinks crap because he's a student and has better things to do than cook healthy meals and his social life revolves around alcohol.

I doubt there's anything more significant than that. So leave it. If he wants to lose it at some stage in the future he will - most do once they graduate and start proper adulting.

Fudgewomble · 02/04/2023 14:14

He’s an adult so you can’t put him on a diet. If he wants to make some lifestyle changes you could support him by helping fund a gym membership, new workout clothes and trainers and/or a healthy meal kit plan delivery like mindful chef. But he’ll know he’s overweight, you saying anything critical would be devastating.

MyriadOfTravels · 02/04/2023 14:19

You don’t say a word about it. Not one.

  • he is an adult and you cant control what he does, how he eats etc….
  • ive been in your ds position. I’ve ended up very self conscious about it. Never made any difference about my weight though. And I learnt many years later than the weight gain is actually linked to a condition I have….
Marcinon · 02/04/2023 14:20

Badger1970 · 02/04/2023 13:56

I disagree with all of these comments. I've been overweight since my teens, and my parents never raised it with me. My one stone overweight became six stone at one stage, and I wish to God someone had talked to me about it before it went that far. DH has been the only person in my life to acknowledge it because he knows how utterly miserable it makes me.

It's perfectly acceptable to acknowledge his weight gain and that it worries you. He's over eating for a reason, and it's that that needs tackling. Find the root cause rather than the symptom.

I agree with you.
If you normally send him back with foods, can you send him back with some healthier snack foods which are tasty as there are more options these days. then when he needs to reach for snacks he may at least have an idea of better options to look for until he is ready to try and eat more healthy foods. Of course it may be fully down to stress or joining in, or any number of reasons and ease off after uni.

MyriadOfTravels · 02/04/2023 14:24

Badger1970 · 02/04/2023 13:56

I disagree with all of these comments. I've been overweight since my teens, and my parents never raised it with me. My one stone overweight became six stone at one stage, and I wish to God someone had talked to me about it before it went that far. DH has been the only person in my life to acknowledge it because he knows how utterly miserable it makes me.

It's perfectly acceptable to acknowledge his weight gain and that it worries you. He's over eating for a reason, and it's that that needs tackling. Find the root cause rather than the symptom.

When you were teen was the time for your parents to address it. You are totally right there.
It has to be done extremely well - as in a very sensitive manner- as it’s likely to be hurtful otherwise and lead to the opposite effect! That’s not easy.

As an adult though…
You can tell them a fact - you’ve noticed they’ve put weight on.
You can ask if it’s an issue for them. If they would like some help and what help.
After that, I genuinely don’t think it would be on any help, knowing that the OP doesn’t live with her ds or is even close by.

PinkSyCo · 02/04/2023 14:27

We all want our kids to be fit and healthy, but yours is an adult now and there’s literally nothing you can do about his eating habits, and going on about his weight will only make him feel worse about himself which could lead to comfort eating. Luckily his girlfriend presumably still loves him how he is, but if she said something he would be more likely to listen to her than you quite honestly.

Original poster
SweetcornFritter · 02/04/2023 18:21

Thanks for the replies. Yes, I am biting my tongue, for now at least. For those outraged at the idea of me putting him on a diet, what I meant was that as I am responsible for cooking most of his meals when he’s at home I figured I could somehow surreptitiously only serve up low cal, healthy meals when I come home from work. I realise however that that won’t make much difference as he snacks throughout the day and sometimes nips out for the most calorific meal deals (eg a sandwich, a packet of crisps and a pork pie, which believe it or not constitutes a meal deal in some shops!) I’ve asked his father to have a word, but after reading some of these replies I’m now in two minds about that as well.

OP posts:
BHRK · 02/04/2023 18:25

Please don’t have a word. It is nothing to do with you, he knows he’s overweight!! He will sort it out in his own time. Don’t spoil his time at home and stop him wanting to come back home due to negative comments.
Fine to help a 15yo with healthy meals and secret low cal cooking. Not fine to try and do anything to a 20yo

Hoolihan · 02/04/2023 18:29

Everyone I know put on weight at uni, crap diet, too much booze, too much sleeping. I don't think it's a good idea to raise it with him, it'll likely sort itself out when he rejoins mainstream society 😂

DrunkTrampolining · 02/04/2023 18:30

He’s an adult. You can cook healthy meals when you’re cooking, other than that keep out unless he asks for advice.

GloomySkies · 02/04/2023 18:33

The first thing my mum said when I got home from uni was to point out how much weight I'd put on. No interest in my mental wellbeing (which was suffering), friends, course, activities (other than to point out the sport I'd taken up had made me too muscular). You'll be seeing less and less of him now as he grows up, don't spoil your time together by pointing out his flaws and making him feel like shit.

Original poster
SweetcornFritter · 02/04/2023 18:42

OK I hear you. Thanks for the advice. I won’t say anything and will ask his Dad not to either.

OP posts:
Tinybrother · 02/04/2023 18:48

“I figured I could somehow surreptitiously only serve up low cal, healthy meals when I come home from work”

he’d notice, trust me, if that is any different to how you normally cook

Original poster
SweetcornFritter · 02/04/2023 19:03

Tinybrother · 02/04/2023 18:48

“I figured I could somehow surreptitiously only serve up low cal, healthy meals when I come home from work”

he’d notice, trust me, if that is any different to how you normally cook

It’s how I cook when it’s just me but when I cook for family I tend to serve different, larger meals with more tasty (ie fattening) ingredients, such as cheese, pasta, cooking oil, butter, etc. We did do dieting together when he was younger and he lost a stone. He was also very determined and disciplined then, but I don’t see any sign of him wanting to modify his diet now. He also used to do sport regularly at school which he doesn’t anymore.

OP posts:
Reinventinganna · 02/04/2023 19:07

How would you feel if your husband told you that you had to lose weight?

lljkk · 02/04/2023 20:12

You can say something or not say anything OP. Neither is the right way & probably neither will help. I hate ignoring the elephant in the room so tend to say something, too. What would make me not say anything in your situation is that You tried before & he was hostile, OP. He already knows what you think. You can't fix him.

DD is anorexic... she brings this fact up a lot!! Only she pretends it's past tense problem (yeah right). Then I have to tiptoe around a lot & pretend to play the "oh yes you're in recovery now" game when she's obviously still too thin. I eventually just say my opinion simply, she disagrees, then we talk about something else.

bellac11 · 02/04/2023 20:18

What do you mean you cant 'put him on a diet'

Hes a grown arsed man!!!

His health is up to him, you dont get to dictate what he does about that.

Leave him be

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