How to broach the subject of son’s weight gain

[SweetcornFritter]

My 20 year old son is just back from Uni and has put on so much weight in the last few months it has shocked me. I had already broached the subject about a year ago when he first started putting on weight but it just made him angry and defensive. Now he must be at least a stone or more heavier. He is only home for a few weeks a year, and most of them are spent in the company of his girlfriend (who is very slim) so I can’t really put him on a diet for any meaningful length of time and I doubt he’d be very happy if I did.

I want him to be fit and healthy and not to have to live in track suit bottoms for the rest of his life but I know that any attempts to raise the subject again are going to be met with hostility. Has anyone got any advice on how to tackle this or should I just leave it up to him to decide if and when to do something about it?

Oh God no please don’t get your husband to have a word. Imagine if your son and then your husband came to you individually to bring to your attention your weight gain. Would you want to be around people who you know sit around criticising you?

I think this a very tricky situation. But I don't think it's a given that he knows he's gained weight. People only know that if the regularly weigh themselves.

People are always saying that people are aware of their weight gain. But that's not borne out by reality.

My son was overweight. We all are. But what inspired him to do something about it was being beaten in a climb to the top of a waterfall (on holiday in Austria) by his 60 year old Dad when he was 29. You can't make him lose weight. He has to want to do it.

If he has put on weight to the degree that OP has raised it already (and she shouldnt have) and now thinks he has put another stone on, there is no way he doesnt know because his pants and trousers will be tight.

On the other hand if his clothing is not changed or tight then he cant have put that much on, negating the need to say anything anyway

People always think they're raising some unbelievable revelation when they say you've put on weight. Newsflash - you dont have some special insight or knowledge, the person already knows.

I’ve explained what I meant by it, there’s no need for the angry tone. I was looking for advice, not to be castigated. I have appreciated the advice I’ve read so far that has been kindly given and accepted that 1) I should say nothing and 2) I should not attempt to moderate his food intake. The end.

I would actually be ok with it (not that I have a husband anymore) if it was said out of concern for my health and happiness raher than because he didn’t fancy me because I was overweight.

Just came across this thread. My DS 24 lives at home at the minute and has put on a couple of stone over the last few years. I do tell him to eat less crap and do more exercise but it’s up to him. I try to get him out for a walk with me now and again and try to keep healthy food like fruit and veg and low fat meals in the fridge. But he and his gf eat a lot of food and are very sedentary in their lifestyle. I still hope as he gets older he will regulate himself a bit more and take up some activity.I think it is normal to want your loved ones to look after their health and to want to help them with that.

Thank you @Cleebope2 , I’m glad you don’t think my concern or wish to help in some way was unreasonable. I don’t feel quite so ashamed of myself now for considering broaching this subject with him. I bit my to gue for two weeks and so we have had a pleasant Easter break (albeit we have all over-indulged foodwise and I will be back on the lettuce leaves as soon as he goes back to Uni).

I'm glad that you've had a nice Easter @SweetcornFritter but I don't think that this is necessarily helping him in any way. If you are feasting whilst he's home and then starving yourself when he's not there it's not healthy for either of you.

It's perhaps too late to model sensible eating, yes, we all like a big Easter lunch and maybe receiving an Easter Egg or two but that's just one day. I think for your own health you might want to start eating more sensibly

Mt ds, who is super sporty, has come home from a semestre in the US and he has ballooned. I don’t think he has realised how much he has gained as he was surprised when we mentioned it. He’s 21, far from being a grown-up man and still needs a lot of support and guidance.
We were obviously supportive and encouraging and it was the wake-up call he needed, as he said himself. So no, I wouldn’t ignore this OP.

Personally I would try and raise it in a constructive manner as I would any other concerns about my children’s health and lifestyle, no matter how old they are. If I was overweight I would very much hope my dh would talk to me about it rather than pretending it isn’t happening.

@SweetcornFritter how are you both now?

Hi Siouxsie, thanks for asking. I haven’t seen my DS in the flesh since the end of April. I have no doubt he is much the same weight-wise, at least I hope he is no heavier. He has an incentive not to put on anymore weight as his DF bought him a whole new wardrobe of clothes for Christmas, some of which I suspect he may already be struggling to get into. As for me - after being advised in no uncertain terms on here not to bring up DS’s weight with him I have remained schtum. I’m still sad about it though.