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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

She says she's 'moving out'

31 replies

mamnotmum · 13/03/2023 17:02

DD - 20 - has had 6 jobs since leaving school. The most recent one lasted 3 weeks. She just doesn't go / rings in sick.

She sleeps at her boyfriends' mams (boyfriend doesn't have own house, has inconsistent employment, a child with his ex and some debt) every night. She comes 'home' 3-4 times a week. Does her laundry, has long soaks in the bath, often sleeps the day away and then raids the fridge and off she goes again.

We've explained before that this wasn't a lifestyle we supported and asked her to sort it out. Basically we were told we were a joke, stop nagging, she's an adult, who did we think we are and so on.

She hasn't been home most of the weekend other than to collect clothes for nights out. We text her today and told her to take us seriously, have a little respect and please apply for a job this week or she wouldn't be able to continue using the house as she does. She replied saying get my suitcase out the attic I don't want to be around you ridiculous people anyway.

I feel so defeated and sad. I know I can't let her continue the way things are but I'm scared of how her life will be now Confused

OP posts:
MaoamAddict · 13/03/2023 17:03

Good for you taking the tough love approach, she sounds like a lazy, entitled brat & you don't want to enable her! I was working full time at 18 and bought a house at 21. She could do better and should do better

Billybagpuss · 13/03/2023 17:05

It’s hard but let her go, she needs to grow up a bit and then if you let her back in future she will have more appreciation for what’s on offer there. Get the key back when she goes but keep the lines of communication open, text from time to time asking how she is etc.

Lovelyveg82 · 13/03/2023 17:06

Op… she’s not going to her a job.

So you need to be encouraging some kind of study / qualification

iwannascream · 13/03/2023 17:06

As much as I agree with you, she is 20 and technically she can do as she pleases. Maybe on this occasion you actually need to give her some tough love, and follow through with what she wants. I'm sure the boyfriends mum won't be overly impressed at having to feed another mouth without gaining any money to help out.

It's a tough lesson to learn but one she must learn on her own.

Hopefully it will be a quick lesson.

Lovelyveg82 · 13/03/2023 17:06

She sounds unemployable OP

so i think you need to consider alternatives

I am guessing school was a shit show?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2023 17:08

Lovelyveg82 · 13/03/2023 17:06

She sounds unemployable OP

so i think you need to consider alternatives

I am guessing school was a shit show?

What "alternatives" do you suggest? Her daughter is 20, she needs to take control of her own life. A sharp shock might do her some good.

Well done for refusing to pander to her immaturity, op.

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/03/2023 17:09

You know she will work out alright in the end. For now I would say okay I've got your bag. You know that she can stay at the boyfriend's mother's house so it's not as if she's going to be homeless.

She needs to have a short sharp shock and realise that she can't talk to you like that. Pretty soon the boyfriend's mother will object to her behaviour as well. Hopefully at that point, she will start to make changes.

Lovelyveg82 · 13/03/2023 17:11

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2023 17:08

What "alternatives" do you suggest? Her daughter is 20, she needs to take control of her own life. A sharp shock might do her some good.

Well done for refusing to pander to her immaturity, op.

Show quote history

I meant alternatives to encouraging applying to jobs

this woman is unemployable

so… that is what I meant by alternatives.

blebbleb · 13/03/2023 17:13

Good on you for sticking up for yourselves. She needs to find another gravy train to hop on! She's a grown up and can find employment and housing herself.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 13/03/2023 17:15

It will work out in the end, she'll grow up eventually. Just take it on the chin and let her get on with it for now.

Mumsanetta · 13/03/2023 17:19

Agree with all of the above. Doing right by our children and teaching them the importance of maintaining boundaries sometimes make us unpopular but so be it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/03/2023 17:30

Lovelyveg82 · 13/03/2023 17:11

I meant alternatives to encouraging applying to jobs

this woman is unemployable

so… that is what I meant by alternatives.

Show quote history

Well, unless she’s planning on becoming suddenly independently wealthy, she doesn’t get the option of being “unemployable” and there are no “alternatives” to applying for jobs. Now that’s she’s worn out her parents’ patience and free food and utilities, she needs to become employable sharpish. I doubt the boyfriend’s mum is going to agree to pay for all her food, clothes, toiletries, travel and sundries for very long.

Once she realises this OP, hopefully you’ll get a sincere apology and see some effort for her to pull her life around.

2bazookas · 13/03/2023 17:40

Handing her the suitcase is probably the fastest cure. Let her learn the lesson the hard way.

BF's Mum won't be far behind you with another hard reality check for DD.

I'm betting BF's Mum has already called a halt on your DD's long hot baths, laundry and freeloading from the fridge at their place.

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/03/2023 17:41

As soon as her boyfriend's mother gets a smart meter, that will be the end of those long baths!

itsabigtree · 13/03/2023 17:46

Lovelyveg82 · 13/03/2023 17:06

She sounds unemployable OP

so i think you need to consider alternatives

I am guessing school was a shit show?

How is she unemployable? She's only 20, she'll work things out eventually.

Lovelyveg82 · 13/03/2023 17:53

itsabigtree · 13/03/2023 17:46

How is she unemployable? She's only 20, she'll work things out eventually.

Show quote history

At present, you have to be realistic

who on earth in their right mind would employ her based on the 6 jobs she’s jacked in in quick succession due not not bothering to show up

Original poster
mamnotmum · 13/03/2023 18:15

Thank you everyone.

She's tried studying before and we were supportive - bought supplies for the course etc but it lasted a matter of months before she wasn't going. She also should resit gcse maths (has 7 other gcse passes) but I can't see that she ever will do it.

I've helped her do a cv and applied for jobs with her in the past. She either is unsuccessful or, more often, gets the job and loses it very quickly.

I know letting her properly move out is all I can really do but I hate how she's living and I just worry non stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamnotmum · 13/03/2023 18:18

Lovelyveg82 · 13/03/2023 17:06

She sounds unemployable OP

so i think you need to consider alternatives

I am guessing school was a shit show?

She hasn't got GCSE maths but otherwise has 7 passes at GCSE so not horrendous. She got a level 3 apprenticeship too but hasn't got the full award as she hasn't resat maths.

I keep thinking she's unemployable and no one will take her on but I guess some sectors are desperate for staff (hospitality) and having unreliable staff is better than having no staff? Or maybe they aren't checking references?

OP posts:
Original poster
mamnotmum · 13/03/2023 18:20

2bazookas · 13/03/2023 17:40

Handing her the suitcase is probably the fastest cure. Let her learn the lesson the hard way.

BF's Mum won't be far behind you with another hard reality check for DD.

I'm betting BF's Mum has already called a halt on your DD's long hot baths, laundry and freeloading from the fridge at their place.

I'd like to hope so! I feel that's why she comes home through the day if bf goes to work. And also to use the facilities!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2023 18:27

If she does end up coming home, which she probably will because I can't imagine her boyfriend's mum will continue to bankroll her life, you need to lay down the new ground rules immediately. She cannot be allowed to live in your home like some stroppy teenager, doing fuck all to get her life in order.

goyuwer · 13/03/2023 18:33

Did she look into functional skills Maths? A lot of apprenticeships offer that as alternative to GCSE.

Holliegee · 13/03/2023 18:38

You have to let her go - try and live in an adult world with her childlike habits and either she will buck up or she won’t.
If she bucks up, gets a job and sorts herself out that’s a positive if she doesn’t, her boyfriends mum won’t put up with it long term and she will soon be wanting to return home and then, you can put the conditions of her return is to ‘adult’.
Shes practically gone anyway and is basically just using your home when it suits and that’s not helping her grow.

so, yep tell her she’s 20 she can get her own suitcase down and take her stuff - she will be back or reformed in 6 weeks !!

Original poster
mamnotmum · 13/03/2023 18:58

goyuwer · 13/03/2023 18:33

Did she look into functional skills Maths? A lot of apprenticeships offer that as alternative to GCSE.

Yep. She was supposed to do it while doing her apprenticeship. It still isn't done.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 13/03/2023 19:04

I think if you do accept that she's going, really make the most of having a happy time while she's gone. Don't spend your time messaging her, pleading with her to come back. That's what she wants! Always make sure that when you talk to her or message her you are doing something that makes you really happy and you sound really positive. You will grow to love your independent life and if she does move in, at least you have had a break.

Original poster
mamnotmum · 13/03/2023 19:45

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/03/2023 19:04

I think if you do accept that she's going, really make the most of having a happy time while she's gone. Don't spend your time messaging her, pleading with her to come back. That's what she wants! Always make sure that when you talk to her or message her you are doing something that makes you really happy and you sound really positive. You will grow to love your independent life and if she does move in, at least you have had a break.

Thanks. I don't think I'll be pleading, I would rather her not live her if this is how she wants to live and if the respect for us is so low.

But that's a good idea to only communicate when I'm in a good place. Thank you.

OP posts:
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