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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Feeling sorry for myself

46 replies

iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 07/03/2023 12:39

I'm so sorry for moaning but I've totally had it

I'm tired of paying for everything
Always being the responsible one
The only one who doesn't matter
Working full time and more to maintain what I am currently responsible for paying
Never ever getting a thank you , a break , a kind word or even a brew
Son 28 asked me yesterday if I take sugar .. says it all , he boiled the kettle then buggered off so didn't even finish the job

How has it come to this that all these years of teaching them responsibilities, kindness , manners , patience - all the things you automatically do as a parent - have led to me not having as much as a Christmas Mother's Day or birthday card for several years - never mind a small gift .. text message at 10 in morning or 10 at night is the most I'll get again this year

Good friends , good jobs , lovely partners , nice homes
I've somehow become the default one who will always listen / pay / help / support / no one has noticed that maybe I'd like to be the one on receiving end for a change

This must be my own fault as raised them alone after partner dying very young and no family at all
I'm sat here crying looking at adverts for Mothers day Sunday lunches knowing full well I will see none of them , then they will regale me with how they treated MIL's , partners ( from the dogs ) any comment I make will be met with
Cards are a waste of paper
You love living on your own mum
Do you really want some chocolate, your always on a diet ?
Flowers ? What at a tenner today and back to a fiver tomorrow
You know we are here if you need anything
Unless I need grass cutting , car looking at , bins washing out , furniture moving , something out of loft , then it'll be Yh next week

Please ignore I'm just feeling really sorry for myself
Will get my own chocolate and cuddle the cat in front of the fire and be fine

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 07/03/2023 12:49

Well, for a start off, stop paying for everything/anything! They're grown up so they can pay for themselves.

Freshair1 · 07/03/2023 12:55

The resentment can't be going unnoticed. Maybe sack in the pity party and assert yourself a bit.

mumonthehill · 07/03/2023 12:56

Ah i so understand. We spent time making them independent and able to care for others that it really stings when they forget us. Part of it I think is that we are constant and they do not feel they have to make an effort because we will love them anyway. I will be pleasantly surprised if ds22 remembers mothers day!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 07/03/2023 12:56

Why are you paying for anything? If they no longer live with you and don't seem to give a damn about you, stop forking out on them.

Spend your money on things you can enjoy, clubs where you can meet people to spend time with.

Your family seem like a very selfish bunch.

rubesxx · 07/03/2023 13:05

Wow can't people just accept that sometimes all you need is a good rant.. just let it all out and ignore unhelpful, judgemental comments.

I lost my mum in 2019 and would do anything to treat her this mother's day. Some people don't know what they have until its gone unfortunately.

JustKeepGoingThere · 07/03/2023 13:13

Talk to them and tell them how you feel. Not in an offhand casual way but a proper sit down. Also make your your actions match your feelings. If you want them to pay for things then ask them. Don't do things, not say anything and then feel aggrieved about it afterwards.

Original poster
iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 07/03/2023 13:13

Thank you @rubesxx

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 07/03/2023 13:14

That's awful that they won't see you on Mother's Day. I'd be so upset if they could call round that weekend and didn't. It might be time to withdraw a little, tell them you're hurt and stop paying for anything at all. 💐

JustKeepGoingThere · 07/03/2023 13:16

How about telling them you are feeling a bit fed up and you would like to do something and to receive a card for Mother's Day. (Tell them you are happy with a hand drawn one if they really don't want to pay for a card)

junebirthdaygirl · 07/03/2023 13:34

I wasn't great with my own dm when l was 28 as too wrapped up in my own life. But gradually as l got older l began to appreciate her more and for her last years was totally happy to take care of her in a big way. It all happened gradually and my siblings were the same.Give them time. They may come around yet. You have done a great job ..

MissyB1 · 07/03/2023 13:40

So sorry @iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort that’s shit and they sound lazy and self absorbed. Personally I think you need to tell them, calmly but clearly. Focus on how it makes you feel rather than what you think of their behaviour.
I totally get how you feel, don’t pay any attention to posters who will line up to say it’s your fault somehow!

Original poster
iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 07/03/2023 13:50

You are all right
I need to stand my ground and do less , expect more

I think they've just become so used to it - it's not even deliberate , just very thoughtless

Thank you for your kindness , I needed it today

OP posts:
Wiccan · 07/03/2023 13:51

Completely understand my eldest is so unkind too. It isn't because you're a single parent it's because they are selfish . Both my DH and I put the the same into raising our kids and we both get treated like shit . Please don't blame yourself . I think a cuddle with my dog and giant bar of chocolate is worth 10 times the piss poor effort my eldest makes towards me any day. This is why mother's day is such a hard day I fucking hate it ! .

TheClash2023 · 07/03/2023 14:05

It's not yet Mother's Day. I would send a group message to them all saying 'for Mother's Day please could I have a plant for the garden. '. Take a photo of a flower bed or pot and say 'to brighten this up'. Or something similar. Be direct. Don't give your family a chance to say well I didn't think you cared about it after the event.

nevertakeadvicefromsomeonewhosfallingapart · 07/03/2023 14:11

I'm sorry you feel like this 😔 My adult children are similar, no cards or gifts, although occasionally they surprise me. I've lent them thousands over the years and only see a little of it back if I ask, which I feel really bad about, because I know they'reall struggling in the present climate. The problem is, I'm struggling too.

I didn't raise them to be ungrateful or take things for granted; we never had much and they didn't get showered with gifts.

It makes me sad, but I've just come to accept it and now only lend small amounts of money when needed for food.

EmptyPlaces · 07/03/2023 14:15

Weird that so many of you think your DC owe you as adults because you chose to have children and raised them well.

nevertakeadvicefromsomeonewhosfallingapart · 07/03/2023 14:16

EmptyPlaces · 07/03/2023 14:15

Weird that so many of you think your DC owe you as adults because you chose to have children and raised them well.

I don't think my children owe me, I just think it would be nice to receive a birthday card from them! I send them one ...

EmptyPlaces · 07/03/2023 14:19

nevertakeadvicefromsomeonewhosfallingapart · 07/03/2023 14:16

I don't think my children owe me, I just think it would be nice to receive a birthday card from them! I send them one ...

Show quote history

Parent-child and child-parent is an entirely different dynamic. You know that, surely?

nevertakeadvicefromsomeonewhosfallingapart · 07/03/2023 14:21

@EmptyPlaces but why should it be? They're adults. I buy my mum birthday card, Christmas cards, Mother's Day cards, gifts.

MissyB1 · 07/03/2023 14:26

EmptyPlaces · 07/03/2023 14:15

Weird that so many of you think your DC owe you as adults because you chose to have children and raised them well.

You have a very strange view of family relationships. What has “owing” anyone got to do with it? How about love, respect, kindness and gratitude? Or are those qualities just not cool enough for you?

MinBins · 07/03/2023 14:28

You've spent such a long time thinking about them, that it is now your turn to focus on you.

Maybe stop spending on them and instead, Buy yourself the flowers, go on a short break, treat yourself and they'll have no excuse of "you don't like chocolates, flowers (insert gifts here) as they'll see that you do!

I also think talking to them about how you feel is a positive first step. I remember my mum telling me how she felt when her sister would receive MD gifts from her kids, and my mum wouldn't from my elder siblings who had moved out (approx 10 years older than me). As the youngest, I never missed Mother's Day (she passed when I was 16 unfortunately) but her communicating it to me made me realise it was important to her so I saved my pocket money and got her tiny things.

You're a great mum from what you've shared and deserve to be recognised and celebrated - I hope there's a change for you around the corner!

Everycloud23 · 07/03/2023 14:35

I think you can tell them. Something like, hey it would be nice to receive a card for mother’s day this year, or I would love to go out for a nice meal to celebrate my birthday. Set out your expectations.

It might be that your children are too far gone tbh as they don’t seem to have done anything for a long time.

My dc are teenagers but I always remind them in advance if it’s someone’s birthday including mine. When they obviously can’t be bothered to even write their name in a card, I say would you like that person to remember your birthday and send you a card? And they always say yes and it prompts them to do it.

I also pull them up on when they don’t say thank you if I have helped them out with something, just prick their conscience occasionally when they have been thoughtless.

Not sure if it encourages them to do things graciously but it does reinforce basic manners and respect.

Zippidydoda · 07/03/2023 14:40

I think the first step is to do less for them. Still give love and affection but draw back on the paying for and doing for. They’re adults now.

Second step is be open with how you feel. No passiveness or passive aggression, just be direct. “I would really appreciate spending Mother’s Day with you I’d you’re free. I would enjoy being together”.

Original poster
iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 07/03/2023 14:42

@EmptyPlaces I don't think my children owe me anything

I would just like to see them invest a tiny proportion of the thought , kindness and support that I have shown them over the years

That's how they were brought up and I see them doing it for their partners , colleagues and friends

I'm just the one who is always fine , copes with everything and manages

Only sometimes I crack and just wish someone would say " mum , I'm coming to get you Sunday , we are doing dinner , bring your slippers "

That's all I need

OP posts:
TheClash2023 · 07/03/2023 15:25

So the way to change things in future is to tell them what you would like. Do it today