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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Empty nest after 34 years

34 replies

Catonahottin · 28/02/2023 23:13

My son has just left home at 32 after living with us since University. He has poor mental health and was unemployed for many years . It has been a terrible decade really, just unremitting worry and stress. In the the past two years his relationship with me has become very difficult. He’s been seeing a therapist who he says has helped him greatly, but instead of helping him relate better to his family, he’s more or less turned against us. He blames me for not being emotionally supportive enough when in fact I am totally burnt out and hurt with some of his behaviour. I’m worn out from year and years of cooking, cleaning and bearing with the situation.
He has finally got to a place where he can just about afford the rent on a flat and has a job. It’s not well paid, but it’s a job . After years of looking he has a flat.
His parting words to me were that all his family have let him down and make his mental health worse. It hurts so much. I’m relieved he’s gone in part but also terribly sad. I wish it hadn’t ended this way. I feel like a failure. I am worried it won’t work out but know he had to make this step for all our sakes. I am worn out.
I love him dearly but feel our relationship will never recover, and it’s the end of an era. I feel desperately sad and lonely but also great relief.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel so alone.

OP posts:
Catonahottin · 01/03/2023 08:00

bump

OP posts:
freshstart49 · 01/03/2023 08:06

Wow x I have also raised children who haven't appreciated what it takes it stings but you did it you got him to a positive outcome x well done more importantly look after you now xx he will appreciate it one day (we hope)

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 01/03/2023 08:06

Not in a similar situation, but wanted you to have some support - I also have a child who is not the child or the experience of parenting I was expecting to have, and it is hard.

Have you considered some counselling or therapy for yourself? We all deserve some peace and happiness.

Catonahottin · 01/03/2023 08:17

Thanks. I have had counselling which hasn’t helped. I am in counselling at the moment which I am finding pretty useless. I just feel utterly bleak today. Hopefully the pain will pass and i will find a way forward.

OP posts:
ireallycantthinkofaname · 01/03/2023 18:43

Hello, OP. First of all I'm not going to say 'sorry this has happened to you' because frankly it's an empty platitude which won't help. What I will say is I think, as a YP living with chronic mental health issues, you are very, very brave to have soldiered on for as long as you have done and frankly your son's behaviour is abhorrent. I know we can be hell to live with (god knows I applaud my parents for putting up with my bullshit for so long, and I'm 13 yrs younger than your son) but what he's doing isn't fair.

I'd be the first to admit my parents' actions over the years have undoubtedly contributed to my problems but for anyone to say that another's historic choices are the sole cause is childish, overly reductionist and utterly unfair. No mental health issue occurs because of ONE thing and one thing only and part of wanting to get better/build a good life for yourself around mental health problems is acknowledging that. Yes, parents may do things which are unhelpful to their children's mental health, but they are only human too, and have their own 'things' to deal with (generational patterns, relationships, emotional baggage, whatever you want to call it). Blaming doesn't actually undo things that have happened in the past anyway, so it's a pointless exercise that just builds resentment.

I will say, it's good your son has a flat and a job, and I would hope that a bit distance might actually help you both. Not sure what to advise really except he's not really conducting himself like an adult, which doesn't make things easy for you. But for both your sakes try and keep things civil and see what time and a little distance does would be my (albeit perhaps unqualified) advice. Take this opportunity to put yourself first - your son is putting himself first by leagues by the sounds of it.

All the best going forward to you both, and sorry at how clumsy this undoubtedly is!

LindorDoubleChoc · 01/03/2023 18:51

Heart goes out to you OP Flowers. I have a younger relative who has pinned his mental health issues on his mother, when infact she would have done, and still would do, absolutely anything for him. She didn't get everything right (but who does?) but she is full of love and concern for him and would give him anything. It's devastating and has fully fractured our wider family.

This sounds flippant but it is meant most genuinely - please try and make the most of the freedom you now have. Concentrate on your interests and pleasures and spend some time healing. Minimise contact with your son and stop thinking of him as your child, he's an adult who makes his own choices. Easier said than done, I know, but I wish you some blessed relief from the stress!

pompomdaisy · 01/03/2023 19:09

My brother always pinned his poor mental health on our mother. The thing is I'm younger and her mental health was even worse when I lived at home. I have an entirely different outlook. He blamed everyone else. You can't shoulder the blame. No one factor alone is responsible. Perhaps you have given him too much allowance when there was times he just needed to hear the truth. Don't beat yourself up. Move on.

Catonahottin · 01/03/2023 19:29

Thanks you are right and it helps to hear it.

OP posts:
Catonahottin · 01/03/2023 19:30

LindorDoubleChoc · 01/03/2023 18:51

Heart goes out to you OP Flowers. I have a younger relative who has pinned his mental health issues on his mother, when infact she would have done, and still would do, absolutely anything for him. She didn't get everything right (but who does?) but she is full of love and concern for him and would give him anything. It's devastating and has fully fractured our wider family.

This sounds flippant but it is meant most genuinely - please try and make the most of the freedom you now have. Concentrate on your interests and pleasures and spend some time healing. Minimise contact with your son and stop thinking of him as your child, he's an adult who makes his own choices. Easier said than done, I know, but I wish you some blessed relief from the stress!

Thank you so much. This really helps.

OP posts:
Yellowdays · 01/03/2023 19:33

(And consider selling!)

Catonahottin · 01/03/2023 19:34

ireallycantthinkofaname · 01/03/2023 18:43

Hello, OP. First of all I'm not going to say 'sorry this has happened to you' because frankly it's an empty platitude which won't help. What I will say is I think, as a YP living with chronic mental health issues, you are very, very brave to have soldiered on for as long as you have done and frankly your son's behaviour is abhorrent. I know we can be hell to live with (god knows I applaud my parents for putting up with my bullshit for so long, and I'm 13 yrs younger than your son) but what he's doing isn't fair.

I'd be the first to admit my parents' actions over the years have undoubtedly contributed to my problems but for anyone to say that another's historic choices are the sole cause is childish, overly reductionist and utterly unfair. No mental health issue occurs because of ONE thing and one thing only and part of wanting to get better/build a good life for yourself around mental health problems is acknowledging that. Yes, parents may do things which are unhelpful to their children's mental health, but they are only human too, and have their own 'things' to deal with (generational patterns, relationships, emotional baggage, whatever you want to call it). Blaming doesn't actually undo things that have happened in the past anyway, so it's a pointless exercise that just builds resentment.

I will say, it's good your son has a flat and a job, and I would hope that a bit distance might actually help you both. Not sure what to advise really except he's not really conducting himself like an adult, which doesn't make things easy for you. But for both your sakes try and keep things civil and see what time and a little distance does would be my (albeit perhaps unqualified) advice. Take this opportunity to put yourself first - your son is putting himself first by leagues by the sounds of it.

All the best going forward to you both, and sorry at how clumsy this undoubtedly is!

Thanks this is helpful. He does acknowledge it’s a complex issue and doesn’t think I’m entirely to blame. I think he just feels I could have done more / tried harder in the past two years in particular. He blames his siblings for being unsupportive also when he had just taken from all of us and given little back. They are exhausted with him.
I am really hoping this will be a good move and turn out to be for the best. Today I have just sat and cried. It feels so final and sad
but I will adjust. I’m totally burnt out.

OP posts:
Eatentoomanyroses · 01/03/2023 19:34

My brother is like this with my mum. He’s still there now. He’s 35. Her life is miserable. You’re brave and selfless to have put up with so much

Catonahottin · 01/03/2023 19:35

Eatentoomanyroses · 01/03/2023 19:34

My brother is like this with my mum. He’s still there now. He’s 35. Her life is miserable. You’re brave and selfless to have put up with so much

Thank you so much. This means so much to me.

OP posts:
MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 01/03/2023 19:56

My brother is like this. Started getting into trouble in his teens with stealing and weed. Got married but his weed habit meant all he cared about was sleeping and the drugs so his marriage failed. Stole my mums car and shouts suicide at every opportunity.

Mum let him get away with behaviours she never let the rest of us get away with (he's the youngest of 4) and he stopped talking to any of us when he left home in his early 20s.

When we have seen him he's been absolutely vile to us. Occasionally will send us all random abusive messages. My dad separated from my mum and has given my brother endless amounts of money, but one time he wasn't able to do so and my brother then did the same to him.

Even the sudden death of my sister didn't sort him out & bring him back into the fold. He wouldn't even go to her funeral.

I think we just all decided to let him do his thing. We have no idea what it is we all did to him that was so awful.

Catonahottin · 01/03/2023 20:03

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 01/03/2023 19:56

My brother is like this. Started getting into trouble in his teens with stealing and weed. Got married but his weed habit meant all he cared about was sleeping and the drugs so his marriage failed. Stole my mums car and shouts suicide at every opportunity.

Mum let him get away with behaviours she never let the rest of us get away with (he's the youngest of 4) and he stopped talking to any of us when he left home in his early 20s.

When we have seen him he's been absolutely vile to us. Occasionally will send us all random abusive messages. My dad separated from my mum and has given my brother endless amounts of money, but one time he wasn't able to do so and my brother then did the same to him.

Even the sudden death of my sister didn't sort him out & bring him back into the fold. He wouldn't even go to her funeral.

I think we just all decided to let him do his thing. We have no idea what it is we all did to him that was so awful.

That’s really sad. I’m so sorry. My son isn’t like that, he’s a good person and loves us but he’s become bitter and angry. He’s been seeing a therapist who seems to feed his feelings about being failed generally, particularly by me. She has also helped him to galvanise himself so that he has made steps forward, but his relationship with the family has really suffered.
I just wanted his leaving to be different I suppose.

OP posts:
ireallycantthinkofaname · 01/03/2023 20:19

You're FREE, OP.
Focus on that. Focus on you.
Your son's an adult who can make his own choices.

OnMyWayToSenility · 01/03/2023 20:19

I'm not sure if this helps or not! But I am sat here in tears because my son 18 just basically said the same to me.

I just told him off for telling his younger brother that primary school is a piece of shit and it doesn't matter as mum doesn't care about us.
I was talking to our youngest about the new maths he's learning and he was finding it difficult, previously he's had a natural ability at it. I was just saying it's new maths and no one gets it right first time and it's about learning and practise. And my eldest went off on one saying mum doesn't care it's pointless learning anything etc
That's not true I bent over back wards to house , clothe and support them, and tbf this just broke me
I not a teary person, but it broke me this evening.

Catonahottin · 01/03/2023 20:38

OnMyWayToSenility · 01/03/2023 20:19

I'm not sure if this helps or not! But I am sat here in tears because my son 18 just basically said the same to me.

I just told him off for telling his younger brother that primary school is a piece of shit and it doesn't matter as mum doesn't care about us.
I was talking to our youngest about the new maths he's learning and he was finding it difficult, previously he's had a natural ability at it. I was just saying it's new maths and no one gets it right first time and it's about learning and practise. And my eldest went off on one saying mum doesn't care it's pointless learning anything etc
That's not true I bent over back wards to house , clothe and support them, and tbf this just broke me
I not a teary person, but it broke me this evening.

Sending you love. It really hurts so much. My son would tell me how much he loves me and what a brilliant mother I am a few years ago. I feel like he’s a different person now.
Shakespeare had it right :
’Sharper than a serpent’s tooth to have a thankless child’

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 01/03/2023 20:39

@OnMyWayToSenility it will get better I promise my teenager broke me, I told her so and she said she didn’t care.

think of the oriental kintsugi where they repair the pottery with gold you emerge stronger and more beautiful than before.

@Catonahottin when was the last time you did anything for you? I’m guessing here but you’ve spent the best part of 15+ years walking on eggshells, being shouted at for not being able to fix things when if someone else suggests the same thing they are marvellous but you are thick? It’s going to be hard getting your head around things to start with, but first of all enjoy the peace, enjoy going down in the morning and your kitchen isn’t wrecked. Keep in contact what you will hopefully find is now they are in charge of adulting themselves things get better between you. When you’ve done crying, and you probably need to do a bit of that, maybe message inviting him to dinner in a few days time but more importantly schedule in some time to do your favourite thing. For me it’s open water swimming, I made a decision when dd was 19 to become less available it worked, she had to sort out some things alone and when I was available she was more appreciative. Look after you. You will find you have a lot more capacity to help him going forward now you have space and time for you.

OnMyWayToSenility · 01/03/2023 20:41

@Catonahottin never a truer word said!
It's a thank less task

I thought he was doing okay and had come out teen angst but here we are again! The light is duller than ever

OnMyWayToSenility · 01/03/2023 20:46

@Billybagpuss I know right!? They just are another world
There is a part of me now thats wants to say sorry to my mum, but she was shocking by my my standards funny not funny. I thought I'd done okay but clearly not. I just want to run and scream and run

Billybagpuss · 01/03/2023 20:49

OnMyWayToSenility · 01/03/2023 20:46

@Billybagpuss I know right!? They just are another world
There is a part of me now thats wants to say sorry to my mum, but she was shocking by my my standards funny not funny. I thought I'd done okay but clearly not. I just want to run and scream and run

You have done ok, I do think there is so much going on now that we didn’t have to deal with as kids.

OnMyWayToSenility · 01/03/2023 21:03

Thank you x

Catonahottin · 02/03/2023 06:41

Billybagpuss · 01/03/2023 20:39

@OnMyWayToSenility it will get better I promise my teenager broke me, I told her so and she said she didn’t care.

think of the oriental kintsugi where they repair the pottery with gold you emerge stronger and more beautiful than before.

@Catonahottin when was the last time you did anything for you? I’m guessing here but you’ve spent the best part of 15+ years walking on eggshells, being shouted at for not being able to fix things when if someone else suggests the same thing they are marvellous but you are thick? It’s going to be hard getting your head around things to start with, but first of all enjoy the peace, enjoy going down in the morning and your kitchen isn’t wrecked. Keep in contact what you will hopefully find is now they are in charge of adulting themselves things get better between you. When you’ve done crying, and you probably need to do a bit of that, maybe message inviting him to dinner in a few days time but more importantly schedule in some time to do your favourite thing. For me it’s open water swimming, I made a decision when dd was 19 to become less available it worked, she had to sort out some things alone and when I was available she was more appreciative. Look after you. You will find you have a lot more capacity to help him going forward now you have space and time for you.

Thank you. All very true. It’s been like doing a jail sentence.

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 02/03/2023 18:46

Thank you. All very true. It’s been like doing a jail sentence

A jail sentence which you've been released from.

I know it will take time but you need to build yourself back up. Do some things for yourself that you have previously enjoyed or look to do something new.

Totally different situation but when I was very low I walked every morning. I find reading and yoga both help me a lot too.

Try to find one small activity that will help you and have a look at Blue Health Flowers

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