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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Empty nest after 34 years

34 replies

Catonahottin · 28/02/2023 23:13

My son has just left home at 32 after living with us since University. He has poor mental health and was unemployed for many years . It has been a terrible decade really, just unremitting worry and stress. In the the past two years his relationship with me has become very difficult. He’s been seeing a therapist who he says has helped him greatly, but instead of helping him relate better to his family, he’s more or less turned against us. He blames me for not being emotionally supportive enough when in fact I am totally burnt out and hurt with some of his behaviour. I’m worn out from year and years of cooking, cleaning and bearing with the situation.
He has finally got to a place where he can just about afford the rent on a flat and has a job. It’s not well paid, but it’s a job . After years of looking he has a flat.
His parting words to me were that all his family have let him down and make his mental health worse. It hurts so much. I’m relieved he’s gone in part but also terribly sad. I wish it hadn’t ended this way. I feel like a failure. I am worried it won’t work out but know he had to make this step for all our sakes. I am worn out.
I love him dearly but feel our relationship will never recover, and it’s the end of an era. I feel desperately sad and lonely but also great relief.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel so alone.

OP posts:
GaryTheCat · 04/03/2023 16:50

Just come to this and decided OP you’re a Saint. Definitely a better woman than me. I’ve been almost broken by my 17yr old and feel we will come to blows soon. I’m burned out from pushing water uphill since she was 4yo.

It sounds like your son is moving forwards on one hand (galvanised and moving forward - job & flat). But trying to stay put at the same time (blame blame blame). That’s totally his issue, not yours at all.

could you consider a fresh start for you? Think of somethung that symbolises FOR YOU a fresh, light, new chapter. New hobby? New pet? New house? You’ve done more than enough. This is your time. If I knew motherhood was going to be as hard as this with dd2 I would have run in the opposite direction. It’s not you 😍Big hugs.

CountryParsonPetal · 04/03/2023 17:06

Op you have my sympathies for the traumatic time you've been through. You have gone over and above and I hope you can take some time to come to terms with everything that has happened and move on embracing having time to heal and bring some enjoyment into your life.

My DS is ten years younger but we've had a very rocky time over the past 5 years and I foresee the next 10 years could be similar to yours.

Original poster
Catonahottin · 04/03/2023 17:18

I have really been reviewing things in the last few days and realise what a massive personal cost I have paid. It feels like having lived in a trench for over a decade, in a war zone. I can't actually believe that I finally am free to live my own life to a much greater extent. To those of you who have been or are in a similar situation, it's proof that things can change. If someone had told me a year ago that this would happen I just wouldn't have believed them. My son has pulled himself out the hole he's been in for years, so all credit to him. It's just a shame that our relationship has taken such a hit in the process, but hopefully now we can start to rebuild a new one.
Thank you for the lovely, affirming comments. I have realised with surprise that actually I have been incredibly strong to keep going somehow through all this. The toll it has taken on me has been huge. All the time I have been focusing on my son and how hard things are for him, but actually, I deserve some credit for supporting him all this time , even if the support has been mostly practical and not emotional in the latter few years. Mainly due to being completely burnt out.

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 04/03/2023 17:21

Just enjoy getting your life back and start putting yourself first. Every. Single. Time.

Alarmclockstop · 04/03/2023 17:24

I want to reply but I can't right now, just posting so I don't lose this thread 💐

keffie12 · 04/03/2023 17:39

Catonahottin · 28/02/2023 23:13

My son has just left home at 32 after living with us since University. He has poor mental health and was unemployed for many years . It has been a terrible decade really, just unremitting worry and stress. In the the past two years his relationship with me has become very difficult. He’s been seeing a therapist who he says has helped him greatly, but instead of helping him relate better to his family, he’s more or less turned against us. He blames me for not being emotionally supportive enough when in fact I am totally burnt out and hurt with some of his behaviour. I’m worn out from year and years of cooking, cleaning and bearing with the situation.
He has finally got to a place where he can just about afford the rent on a flat and has a job. It’s not well paid, but it’s a job . After years of looking he has a flat.
His parting words to me were that all his family have let him down and make his mental health worse. It hurts so much. I’m relieved he’s gone in part but also terribly sad. I wish it hadn’t ended this way. I feel like a failure. I am worried it won’t work out but know he had to make this step for all our sakes. I am worn out.
I love him dearly but feel our relationship will never recover, and it’s the end of an era. I feel desperately sad and lonely but also great relief.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel so alone.

I was reading that, thinking,'Did I write this and forget!" My second son had been a nightmare all his life regarding his mental health. I totally identify. Mine was diagnosed with bipolar at 22.

He finally left home a year ago. Thank goodness for us he left on decent terms, having sorted himself out 3 years ago over time. He finally realised that he had to start taking responsibility for himself after the unexpected passing of his step dad (who was and is the dad he didn't have to be)

Whilst I was blessed with his moving out that all happened normally, I hope the suggestions I make now are useful for you.

1/ Aim to keep life in the day (when I added yesterday and tomorrow, my anxiety kicks in). This is, of course, an ongoing challenge. However, it does help with practice

2/ A daily journal/writing and emptying my head of the rubbish in it.

3/ Keep in touch with him. Regular texts, even if he doesn't respond. You're still the parent. Don't get caught up in any drama he wants to start.

4/ Start by once a day doing something good for you. Your mental health is shot through all this

I hope he will come to see his part in things. He is in the blaming game, which shows emotional immaturity.

5/ You have been through hell, and if it isn't fair, I know.

6/ I have 4 adult youngsters. 3 are in my life. 1 of them for no reason. I hear off once or twice a year

I hope this helps

Soozikinzii · 04/03/2023 17:48

We are in a similar situation with 1 of ours . Yes it's not great . Sometimes it washes over me like a strange cold sweat . But you've got him to this stage . He's 32 . He should have moved out by now . You've done your best .It is difficult when they are so ungrateful but surprisingly common if that is any help to you . Shakespeare even wrote about it ! How sharper than a serpents tooth to have a thankless child .You need to hold your head up in the knowledge you tried . I hope you can. I hope you find solace in the comfort of others who know how you feel.

Original poster
Catonahottin · 04/03/2023 18:47

keffie12 · 04/03/2023 17:39

I was reading that, thinking,'Did I write this and forget!" My second son had been a nightmare all his life regarding his mental health. I totally identify. Mine was diagnosed with bipolar at 22.

He finally left home a year ago. Thank goodness for us he left on decent terms, having sorted himself out 3 years ago over time. He finally realised that he had to start taking responsibility for himself after the unexpected passing of his step dad (who was and is the dad he didn't have to be)

Whilst I was blessed with his moving out that all happened normally, I hope the suggestions I make now are useful for you.

1/ Aim to keep life in the day (when I added yesterday and tomorrow, my anxiety kicks in). This is, of course, an ongoing challenge. However, it does help with practice

2/ A daily journal/writing and emptying my head of the rubbish in it.

3/ Keep in touch with him. Regular texts, even if he doesn't respond. You're still the parent. Don't get caught up in any drama he wants to start.

4/ Start by once a day doing something good for you. Your mental health is shot through all this

I hope he will come to see his part in things. He is in the blaming game, which shows emotional immaturity.

5/ You have been through hell, and if it isn't fair, I know.

6/ I have 4 adult youngsters. 3 are in my life. 1 of them for no reason. I hear off once or twice a year

I hope this helps

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Thank you so much. I hope your life is better now your son has moved out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catonahottin · 04/03/2023 18:48

Soozikinzii · 04/03/2023 17:48

We are in a similar situation with 1 of ours . Yes it's not great . Sometimes it washes over me like a strange cold sweat . But you've got him to this stage . He's 32 . He should have moved out by now . You've done your best .It is difficult when they are so ungrateful but surprisingly common if that is any help to you . Shakespeare even wrote about it ! How sharper than a serpents tooth to have a thankless child .You need to hold your head up in the knowledge you tried . I hope you can. I hope you find solace in the comfort of others who know how you feel.

Thank you. It really helps to know about others in a similar situation.

OP posts:
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