Adult children living overseas

[Ozzieabroad]

Replied to a similar post but it was quite old and wasn’t on this specific board, so posting again here - interested if others have similar thoughts or experiences.

This can be an extremely difficult situation, with a type of background grieving which never fully dissipates, no matter how full and busy and fulfilling and happy your own life and career might be. Know of many empty-nesters in this situation.

it’s the loss of the future we all probably imagined - perhaps without even being consciously aware of it - that we might have with our adult children and possible grandchildren, as we head towards retirement.

it auddenly becomes crystal clear when the empty nest begins and menopause sets in, that we are now in theory superfluous to society, so to feel abandoned by one’s children, when we have spent 20 years of our lives doing everything for them, just makes it much worse - it’s almost like waking up from a long 20-year dream where our entire identity was tied up with being a parent and somehow we subconsciously thought (or acted as if) we would be forever parents of young children - we will pay lip service to the obvious fact that they will grow up and leave home, but we don’t really believe it until it happens. It almost seems there’s some sort of hormonal effect, for both men and women, that puts us in this 20-year daze while raising children - probably this has had evolutionary advantages.

it doesn’t help to be told to just be happy for your children and do lots of fun things with your own life, and particularly not make them feel guilty - one feels one can never really express one’s true feelings any more.

Of course we can be happy with our own lives, but it’s not the same as people who’ve never had children (which is probably why that demographic overall is happier!) - when you actually have had children, and particularly when you have grandchildren, you feel you should be/want to be part of their everyday lives in real life.

This strong drive to be part of our grandchildren’s lives is probably also evolutionary in origin - after all, it’s thought that the reason humans live so long beyond their reproductive years, is because of the strong evolutionary advantages provided by our involvement with our grandchildren.

Now this strong drive is being thwarted by modern lifestyles involving adult children moving across the world permanently.

In ancient history, yes, humans were constantly migrating huge distances, but it was the whole tribe that migrated together, the stronger and younger tribe members helping the elders and toddlers to move with them.

To have younger people say technology fixes all of the problems of distance is not correct - it’s just not the same as actual day to day presence and being able to attend any social or sporting events at a moments notice, have spontaneous family meals, and even just dropping in.

it’s particularly difficult when dealing with defensive DILs, who are very possessive of your son and want them to virtually become a different person and leave behind their family and culture completely, and who would regard the slightest comment about their own country not being the best at absolutely everything, as an unforgivable attack.

When it gets so extreme (and your son has also become so defensive) that you can’t even talk about anything that happens in your own country or that shows your own culture in a favourable light, and that all that sort of news is completely ignored as if it’s a complete no-no - then it’s really shocking.

To have the feeling that your DIL (or SIL, as in one case I know) wouldn’t have the slightest care in the world - or would even be happy - if their in-laws suddenly died and they and their children would never have to see them again - that’s a terrible feeling.

Then of course there’s the huge expense of travel and accomodation to see them and be near them for any length of time - and the dread of a future where that travel won’t be possible due to financial or health reasons.

Even worse when the other parents-in-law live near your expat child, have a house with everything and unlimited financial resources, pay for (and require attendance at) frequent family holidays - so it’s impossible to compete with that, not only from a distance but also with the huge expense of travel.

There’s the feeling that the in-laws are actually buying your adult child - and that’s mixed with a bit of anger that your child is allowing themselves to be bought, and with an inability to hint at such a feeling because it will be interpreted as churlish.

Our adult children, of course, are in that 20-year dream state of being parents, that they think will never end, and they can’t even imagine that they themselves will be empty nesters and their own children might do the same thing to them as they have done to their own parents. They don’t think it could happen to them! So they’re not even understanding that the way their children see them treating their own parents, is exactly what they are modelling for their own children to behave as adults.

And that hasn't even touched the tip of the iceberg - because it’s other family members who are missing out as well - adult children are already quite disengaged from our parents, their elderly grandparents (who have been so wonderful to them when they were children), even when living nearby - this is SO much worse when they are living overseas, and incredibly unfair on your elderly parents who deserve so much better at such a late stage in life.

Your children owe you nothing. It's a sad truth.
Your bitterness about the situation really shows - and you're delusional if you think that your son doesn't pick up on this. It will push him further away.

My own father has moved over seas. We see eachother a couple of times a year and he has very little insight into my life. We're really more just friends. I don't begrudge him this. It's his life.

Its really hard, but what can you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️
I met DH in my country when we were studying. After we got married we moved to his country for a few years. I missed my family so much i actually flew back 3-4x a year (24h flight).
It was especially hard when my child was born. Felt like we are constantly travelling back and forth and my parents too, face timing every day etc.
When i was pregnant with my second i went back home. It was always the plan to go back we just never specified when. Told DH i need my family around for help and we left.
Its hard for him now, because he is far from his family, but theres not much we can do. Its shit for someone either way. We do try to travel back and forth a lot and i even take my kids to see his family on my own, when he cant. But its not the same of course.

Yea. Life happens.

I grew up abroad cos my dad went to work there.

Us siblings spread around and we live in 3 different countries. Everyone has a right to choose the life that suits them. We still visit each other.

Sorry you are feeling bereft OP. But we live in a global world now.

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad about the situation, OP. I think it entirely depends on the individuals concerned, tbh, some families maintain close ties despite the distance, while others don't. Both DH and I are from scattered families- his parents have four children and only one lives close enough to drive to, the other three are all a plane ride away (one's on a different continent). The reason this has happened is that my in-laws have always encouraged their children to go for opportunities and we live in a global work environment now. DH's brother, for example, has a wonderful life in Asia - his parents miss him, but they know he's happy. Another SIL is planning to retire abroad in a few years. It's still possible to remain close though. They have a weekly Zoom call, regular WhatsApp chats and DH rings his parents during the week. I encourage him to fly over to visit them every few months - the whole family doesn't need to come every time. Perhaps you need to emphasize to your son that you'd really like to stay in touch more regularly and discuss ways to make this happen. Also, be more direct about keeping in touch with his elderly grandparents - tell your son that he needs to make more effort as they won't be around forever. A bit of straight talking is sometimes necessary.

My side of the family has also tended to work and sometimes settle abroad so I'm expecting my children to do the same, and I suppose it doesn't bother me much, because it's pretty normal in my family! If all our children end up moving abroad permanently, DH and I have discussed moving closer to one of them, it may involve applying for visas, etc., but that's not impossible if you have family already there. Would that be something you'd consider? Have you ever discussed it with your son?

I hope you can find ways to feel better about the situation. It is hard, but it shouldn't mean that you aren't still close to your son's family. Try to find ways around it and be abit blunt with your son if he's not making much effort to stay in touch. You're his Mum and you're allowed to be honest with him.

I can provide some other perspective to this from both sides.

First, I am the adult child who moved overseas. I didn't do it to spite my parents, I did it because the situation in my parents' country wasn't working out for our family and we needed to make a drastic change. There was no prospect for doing that in their country. It's been a great decision and we will never go back.

I understand my parents' grief about this as all their children have left their country. Yes, that sucks big time. However, I also have no guilt about it. Why? Because my parents were also adult children who moved overseas. I never met my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, any member of my extended family. That was a sacrifice they required of me. My children at least know them.

My parents never lifted a finger or paid a cent towards care for their elderly parents. That was all left to their siblings.

Somehow it never occurred to them that their children might make the same decision to leave as they did. I know it's caused them a lot of grief but that's also the example they set.

If my adult children move overseas, I will miss having them close but I will just make the best of the relationship we can have. I just want them to be happy.

I get it OP. If anything the moving abroad seems like a bit of a red herring in a way, even though those who have done this are piling on to project all kinds of negatives onto you that don't seem to reflect the facts. It seems more like your son is not making the effort to be loving and caring towards you, and has moved his focus to his ILs because that suits him.

My child has recently gone to University many hours away. I'm delighted they're happy there and enjoying things. If they never wanted to speak to me I'd feel very sad. I wouldn't try and guilt them or anything but I would feel sad. I think that's natural because you love your children. Sometimes on here some people seem to think it's a weakness to want any kind of closeness with anyone apart from your 'little family', meaning your partner and young children. It's not clingy or needy to want to feel part of someone else's life that you love, even though this still means they have their own independent life most of the time.

I think some kind of counselling might help you not because your feelings are wrong but to grieve for the way your son is behaving. The in laws monopolising all the holiday periods also seems very selfish. I feel incredibly lucky with my other child who has the reverse situation in that his partner will probably live quite far from her parents and near me for career reasons. I would never try to hog her and I'm thrilled that my son regularly goes with her to her home country and she also regularly goes back on her own. If they ever decided to live in her home country I would be fine with it because I'm sure they'd both make an effort to keep contact with me.

I’m a person who went to live abroad. My DH also left his country so we’re two people who left their homes to live in the UK. I wish my children never leave.

I think you need to seek some counselling. Yes I can see why it’s upsetting but it’s very common. They’re not doing it to spite you. This is reminding me how important it is to have a full life not purely focused on being a parent and possible future grandparent.

That's what my parents did. It never occurred to them that their own children would do the same. They full expected them all to stay around them. All of us have left overseas.

@lifeinthehills That is odd, you’d think they’d regard moving away as normal for your family. It is for mine so I’m expecting my children to do-I’ll be genuinely surprised if they don’t.

Not normal, just that you'd think, since they themselves moved overseas, they would at least know it was possible that one of their children might also do that. Not the expectation they had that we would all stay where they chose and build our families around them. It seems strange to me that people who moved overseas would be blindsided when their child does the same.

Interesting thread. My husband moved to the uk to be with me. I underestimated how hard it was for his family. His mum and her partner have visited twice a year for 20 years which I appreciate (though sometimes they are annoying!)

My mother left her country of origin to move to the UK when she was quite young. She then spent her life moving around with my father after they married. Her mother saw her a handful of times during her life from that point and they kept in touch by letter. Phone calls were too expensive. My mothers father and grandfather had moved countries and married there so never saw their families of origin to speak of. My mothers maternal line were Huguenot immigrants from France. My father left home at 18 and moved abroad.
My Aunts son lives in Asia with their grandchild.
My daughter is likely to move abroad with her partner soon.
On the other hand my sons partner wouldn’t dream of moving more than a two hour drive from her parents under any circumstances.
It’s just life. Some people are very parochial and haven’t moved much in their lives. Others have a broader outlook.
Thank God for FaceTime and whatsapp.

Agree 100% with this. I am an adult child abroad. My parents and I have a wonderful relationship. I understand what you mean about that background grief - I am very happy living where I am, but there will always be a low-level grief for my home country.
However, it seems your issues are very specific to do with your relationships. I don't think those issues are common for most people who live in different countries to their children/parents.

t auddenly becomes crystal clear when the empty nest begins and menopause sets in, that we are now in theory superfluous to society, so to feel abandoned by one’s children, when we have spent 20 years of our lives doing everything for them, just makes it much worse - it’s almost like waking up from a long 20-year dream where our entire identity was tied up with being a parent and somehow we subconsciously thought (or acted as if) we would be forever parents of young children - we will pay lip service to the obvious fact that they will grow up and leave home, but we don’t really believe it until it happens. It almost seems there’s some sort of hormonal effect, for both men and women, that puts us in this 20-year daze while raising children - probably this has had evolutionary advantages.

it doesn’t help to be told to just be happy for your children and do lots of fun things with your own life, and particularly not make them feel guilty - one feels one can never really express one’s true feelings any more.

Op, I can relate to all you have posted. I have spoken to many people whose grown up children live away (a lot of them happen to be sons/daughter in laws). I am a number of years away from this but I am dreading it. I am attempting to fill my life with 'positive things in anticipation' and trying to expand my interests/social circle but nothing seems to fill the potential void.

I want to be part of my dc's lives - I want to be that (potential) grandmother who is hands on. I speak to many older people whose children live at the other end of the country or abroad and my heart goes out to them, particularly as they/I could find themselves living alone at any moment. Alternatively, there are many people in the town where I live who live just around the corner from at least one grown up dc. I have 4 dc and banking on at least one staying local - dc's are girls and I think there is some truth in the fact that girls often stay closer to their mums. I do have money to throw at buying a second property closer to dc if needs be and I don't feel ashamed at the prospect of going through with this.

My life has been dominated by my dc and yes, I had grandparents who lived just around the corner and I don't see why I shouldn't experience the same thing (years ago there was much intergenerational living and I do think things have moved too far the other way). I will not depend on my adult dc as such - I have money to put toward support with care if needed. To me, living in fairly close proximity (whilst not being smothering) to at least one of my adult dc is very important to me. I fully sympathise with the way you feel. I guess people without children are more adept at creating more of an independent life but I think you are right - our experience has been different largely due to the fact that our children have been forefront and centre in our lives (and I do think there is something in the hormonal factor you mention).

I am trying to work on expanding my social circle but at the moment nothing comes close to being near and involved with my dc. And yes, I do get the creeping feeling of being superflous to society - like nothing else compares to bringing up children (again hormonal?). Existential depression seems to be closing in on me and I'm struggling to know what to do with it.

Apologies for the epic post but this has been something that has been weighing heavily on my mind.

Reading this is motivating me to keep my well-paid job so that I can have more money/more options if one of both of my sons moves away! Thank you, I shall be nicer to my boss today and not resign!

My family were immigrants and now I’m an expat, DD will most likely be in a different country from us for uni and I wouldn’t be surprised if she lands up somewhere else for work. It’s life and I want Dd to grab as much of it as possible.

I think it’s natural to miss your children but honestly if he really wanted to come (not out of obligation but genuine desire) he would come. It’s easier to blame DIL than accept that. While you may not say it they know how you feel, guarantee they do. If DD didn’t come to see me or want me to come visit her I wouldn’t think of her as selfish I’d be sad that our relationship isn’t as strong as I would have hoped it would be. Would I like it if DD lived a few doors down from me? Yes but why should she curtail her life for decades to keep me happy. She gets one life and I want her to LIVE it, really get the most joy she can. I’d be delighted if she were financially stable with a family of her own (hopefully with someone who loves her immensely) and able to travel and go lie on the sun, her happiness is more important to me than mine.

I think thats what bothers me about your post I understand you miss him but you seem angry at him for leaving you. How do you know he is bought rather than enjoys the company of his wife and in-laws? That is what children do, they should leave, would you be happier of he were single in his 50’s still living in his own bedroom and failed to launch?

I would try some counselling, do you have other children as well? Because if you do hyper focusing on one child will damage your relationship with the others. Does your husband feel the same way or is it just you? Was he your favourite?

I get where you are coming from op but the opposite case scenario is no picnic either. My eldest lived abroad and i dreaded her marrying and having dc that i would rarely see. However after 6 years she has moved back home and its really difficult as we are quite over crowded. My house is full of adult children and will be for years to come while they save for their own homes. I am sure that by the time the last one leaves I will be more than ready for it.

My DC are still little but I have 2 siblings who have moved abroad and I feel sad about it, sad about the loss of day-to-day contact, sad about the fact I hardly see my nephews and it takes them a long time to get used to me and their cousins when we do meet. I'm sad I can't just meet them for a coffee, sad that my DC hardly know them. And after 2 decades, I feel our lives have drifted apart.

Moving abroad is so trivialised - it's made to seem easy, apparently technology makes up for the difficulties. It's just not true in my experience, and the pandemic has highlighted this. Nothing can substitute actual human contact.

I am sorry you feel this way OP, I would probably feel the same. It sounds like you are grieving, grieving for the future you imagined. I hope it gets easier 💐

I live abroad, on the other side of the world from both our families. 2 very young DC.

I have a great relationship with my parents and they come over every summer. I don’t feel that we’ve lost anything with us being abroad.

On the other hand, my DH does not have a good relationship with his parents. Moving abroad was in part to avoid being around them. They never come to visit (money/time is no issue).

I’d love to hear the other side on this too. Based on my experience, and many experiences with expat families over the years, I suspect there is far more going on.

I can see both sides.
I've always found my parents have guilt tripped me to live close by and that can clip your wings a bit. I think I would be happy my children were exploring the world. But I don't know.

As someone looking to emigrate... I read this with interest. Me and my partner spent 3 years living in Canada and honestly a massive part of our heart and soul has been left there. Not only do we live for the mountain air, the blue shimmering lakes and the harsh cold winters that offer skiing opportunities that are some of the best in the world but the people are some of the nicest you will meet. And there's poutine, ice hockey, rodeos, backpacking, hiking, and big wide open spaces. O Canada!

Do I think about my mum, my dad and my in laws? Of course! But my parents think the ability to travel and explore is something to seize! We mentioned to my dad we are going to NZ in February and he just said "Wow to look if you'd like to live there? I always knew you'd do amazing things." My heart sang even though we are just going for a holiday, how amazing that he would support us so easily. My mum will miss me, but be happy for me. His dad would think we were great, but I know his mum will be disappointed, she wanted to be a hands on grandparent and we currently live a 4 hour plane ride away with a one year old she has met twice... and we are hoping to get a Kenya posting next. I know that hurts her. Should we put our lives and hearts on hold and live near her until she dies out of a sense of duty? That doesn't sit right for me. I'd hate for my son to be around me just waiting until I popped my clogs before he chose a different life. He'd probably be unhappy and I'd miss out on seeing him bloom.

For us, the truth is, we are in our mid thirties and time is ticking for us too. We want to be somewhere that offers an amazing life for our son (and maybe future children) and an amazing life for us while he is with us and once he's flown the nest and truly believe Canada will bring us all joy. But we aren't "young", my husband has back problems that will likely worsen over time in part caused by the military and I have a slightly dodgy knee, after a car accident. We aren't going to magically get fitter and we want to make the most of the time we have before we too age, and the things we love become more difficult, we also believe that living somewhere that has such appealing places will keep us fit.

We only get one shot of happiness here on this earth and we are choosing to live it for us. I hope that we can teach this philosophy with our kids too, whether they be astronauts or rubbish men, home birds or find solace in Antarctica. I want them to be unafraid of judgement, able to adapt to new places and free to follow their heart, wherever it leads.

If moving abroad makes us selfish, I'll wear that badge.

I can sympathise with you though, being a parent is exhausting somedays and you put sooo much love into a person only for them to fly away and become someone you never imagined. In your circumstance, I can imagine that stings but I think it would be beneficial for you to come to a place of acceptance. Things are not as you pictured them to be, through no ones fault. It's okay to feel disappointed at how things turned out. I think you need to grieve the life you imagined, because it is like a loss and find a way to come to acceptance and make peace with how things are. It will not happen over night but you will get there.

My adult son who was temporarily living with me has moved abroad, for over a year, has left all his belongs and furniture at my home, and has not made any attempt to arrange collection for his belongs, he has now told me he is permanently relocating, and has cut myself and his children off completely, what do I do with his belongs?