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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Accidentally opened DSs post and found out he has some debt

32 replies

CrazyHorse · 15/10/2022 16:54

I don't want to drip feed, but probably can't get everything in OP...

DS (is on Autistic spectrum) is now 24yo, was at Uni, dropped out in last term. I'm not sure what happened, it was in the last lockdown and his mental health can at times be very fragile and I know he really wasn't in a good place. I'm just glad he's still alive. He didn't complete his degree and now won't talk to me or DH or his younger siblings (We have emailed and written to him to tell him he is very, very loved and we are very proud of him). When he had to move out of his student accommodation he asked an elderly relative to collect him. He is now renting a room and working (minimum wage job, but full time so can support himself modestly). I roughly know where he lives, but not the address.

A few pieces of unimportant looking post has arrived, and I've put it to one side. Today I was tidying up, and thought one of the letters addressed to him was for me and opened it (DH had just shoved it on the desk, so I hadn't put it in the pile for DS). The letter says he owes the university over £300 (I had a massive shock at first think I owed the university!). This wasn't the most recent letter from them, so I'm guessing they are now taking legal proceedings.

My first instinct was to pay the debt for him. But if I paid it, that would mean his younger siblings would go without in some way (not essentials, but fewer treats and smaller Christmas presents).
Then I thought well, he'll just have to pay it - but then he doesn't know the debt exists (or maybe he does!) And I can't imagine what he would owe the university for, and he is very, very sensible with money and really wouldn't intentionally have a debt.

Do I tell the debt company he no longer lives here and I don't know where he is? Do I ask elderly relative to pass on the post (this may or may not happen any time soon, depending on elderly relative?) I will do this anyway, but it's not a quick solution.

WWYD?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 15/10/2022 17:04

Difficult one. I think I would contact DS to say that you still receive post addressed to him and ask if he would like you to forward it and if so where to. If he doesn't respond try asking the relative if they could give you DS's address or if you could forward post to them to pass onto DS.

I would also send an email or letter to the university to say that he no longer lives at your address and that you don't know his current address but you are making enquiries.

The problem is that if everything gets sent to you and he doesn't see it, he could end up with a CCJ which will affect his credit rating.

AnotherEmma · 15/10/2022 17:06

PS i really wouldn't pay the debt, not based on what you say about younger siblings having to go without as a result. Plus it wouldn't resolve the bigger issue of not knowing his address for forwarding things.

JusticeLover · 15/10/2022 17:06

Is there a way to appeal to the University regarding the court case and explain his autism so it can be resolved out of court?

The worst thing you can do is ignore it or lie. You need to confront this head on.

dammit88 · 15/10/2022 17:09

It seems there are much bigger things here than the debt to be honest if you don't know where he is living?

I think I would pay it assuming that he is struggling in some way. But I would probably try and talk to him about it too. Difficult one.

Pixiedust1234 · 15/10/2022 17:13

Don't pay it. Reseal it, write "opened by mistake, person no longer lives here" and repost. All other post put "return to sender" and repost.

Don't overthink it.

WakingUpDistress · 15/10/2022 17:27

Is there a way you can contact him via that relative? At least know his address so you can send him all the letters?

Greeneyegirl · 15/10/2022 17:35

Its probably something totally ridiculous. When i was at uni most of the books for my course in the library were 2 week loans but i didnt realise that one particular book they didnt have many copies of and it was only a 48hour loan. It was something like £20 for for every day it was late. I ended up with a £250 library fine!

Thrownunderabus · 15/10/2022 19:06

Do I tell the debt company he no longer lives here and I don't know where he is?
you need to at least inform the debt agency that he is a vulnerable adult with ASD/MH issues. They will handle things differently.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/action-your-creditor-can-take/bailiffs/how-bailiffs-should-treat-you/how-bailiffs-should-treat-you-if-youre-vulnerable/

AnotherEmma · 15/10/2022 19:56

I don't know if debt companies would be able to record and act on that information without the son's consent. It's special category data.

You should tell them he no longer lives at your address, though, as it might affect your credit rating otherwise.

BlueSiamese · 15/10/2022 20:28

I agree with @Thrownunderabus .

Does ds really wants to go no contact with you all? Is it possible to reach out to him I think he needs to know about the debt and given by what you have written it seems like he could do with some support regarding his mental health.

Does he visit you or siblings at all? This is really a tricky one and my heart goes out to your poor ds and the situation.

Choconut · 15/10/2022 20:38

Wow has he cut everyone out because he is so ashamed about not completing his degree? That is so sad if so.
Can you get the elderly relative to give him the letter?

puddingandsun · 15/10/2022 20:54

I'd contact the university, explain he doesn't live there, hence the delay, and pay it straight away. I just couldn't rest knowing there's that debt.

When you know more what the debt is for (is it something ridiculous like library fees?), I'll decide whether it's even worth mentioning to him.

I do hope he is in contact with the family soon again. That would be the most important thing for me.

Original poster
CrazyHorse · 15/10/2022 22:18

Choconut · 15/10/2022 20:38

Wow has he cut everyone out because he is so ashamed about not completing his degree? That is so sad if so.
Can you get the elderly relative to give him the letter?

I think it's more complicated than that. Everything was as normal as could be until lockdown, when we irritated him, so he asked our elderly relative to drive him back for the start of term rather than us. He chose not to come home that Christmas and stopped responding to us the following February, at which point I emailed to him say if he didn't reply I'd be driving up to check he was alive. He responded asking me not to stop messaging him and not to send him any more money. I respected that (DH continued to send him money) and I knew DS had just received a largish amount for Christmas and birthday so would financially would be fine for the next six months) Some of that Christmas /birthday money was a cheque from his grandfather, which he cashed despite not thanking him because he'd already stopped speaking to him a year before. He also just didn't turn up one day to the first job he had after he left university, and I was contacted by the police as after a couple of weeks of no contact they were worried. (I knew he was fine as he was staying with a relative) and he then just didn't turn up one day to the next job he had (working as a labourer for DHs friend). He is quite vulnerable in a lot of ways. His behaviour has been quite difficult over the years, with huge meltdowns and attacking the younger DC, even so his siblings worship him (we all do, he's the "golden child") and they're really hurt he's blocked them. He'll have done it to protect his mental health though. Everything he does is very logical and sensible when he explains it from his view point.

I think I'm going to pay the debt for him. He's still my boy and the last thing he needs is bad credit and ending up on the streets.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyHorse · 16/10/2022 15:12

I've tested DS and the message has Sent as Text Message next to it - I think that means he's blocked me? (I did text him a few weeks ago asking if he'd like some fruit I have a glut of, but no reply.) I think he just doesn't want to have contact with me.

Today I just don't know whether to pay it or not. I'm thinking if he wants to be so independent he can deal with his own debts. We've always helicoptered in before, but I think that is part of the problem.The other DC like that style of parenting, but DS doesn't. Trying to get it right is so hard.

I'm still not sure.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 16/10/2022 16:35

I really don't think you should pay it.

Sorry but why are you texting him to ask him if he wants fruit? Based on the back story that makes no sense. If he doesn't want to hear from you, something like that is just going to annoy him. If you keep it to important things only then you might just have a better chance of keeping the lines of communication open.

I still think you should email him as I suggested. But not pay it.

Frankly given that he ignores you and has possibly blocked you, why should you deprive your other children to pay off his debt?! He wants to be independent, let him be independent. It's not as if he will thank you for paying it off.

Oblomov22 · 16/10/2022 16:44

Poor you. He has blocked you? I'd still email or ring the number on the letter, to stop it from escalating. They'll make notes on his case at least. Don't do nothing. That resolves nothing.

Original poster
CrazyHorse · 16/10/2022 17:24

Sorry but why are you texting him to ask him if he wants fruit? Based on the back story that makes no sense. If he doesn't want to hear from you, something like that is just going to annoy him.

You're so right, but I just wanted to reach out and was looking for something to ask him- we have a few fruit trees in the garden and have had a good crop. Previously DS would have enjoyed the fruit. With hindsight it sounds silly and annoying.

I think I'll email him and say I accidentally opened the letter and I'll leave his post with relative for him to collect. I once accidentally opened a letter addressed to him when he was 15 (we have the same initials) and he was very angry with me, so I'm scared of admitted what I've done.

OP posts:
Anydaynowonewouldhope · 16/10/2022 17:27

honestly If it’s not paid it will have big ramifications - it will increase hugely becaus of interest- he’ll probably get a check on his credit record which makes it hard to rent etc etc etc

i really would recommend just paying it - and then follow it up with him later

it could have really major ramifications for him

Anydaynowonewouldhope · 16/10/2022 17:29

Get a ccj on his credit record I meant to say - which will be a huge problem

AnotherEmma · 16/10/2022 17:40

CrazyHorse · 16/10/2022 17:24

Sorry but why are you texting him to ask him if he wants fruit? Based on the back story that makes no sense. If he doesn't want to hear from you, something like that is just going to annoy him.

You're so right, but I just wanted to reach out and was looking for something to ask him- we have a few fruit trees in the garden and have had a good crop. Previously DS would have enjoyed the fruit. With hindsight it sounds silly and annoying.

I think I'll email him and say I accidentally opened the letter and I'll leave his post with relative for him to collect. I once accidentally opened a letter addressed to him when he was 15 (we have the same initials) and he was very angry with me, so I'm scared of admitted what I've done.

No need to tell him you accidentally opened the letter. Just tell him you keep receiving post for him and would he like you to forward it, if so what address. As I said in my first post.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 16/10/2022 18:04

Just tell the uni he has left home and you have no contact details. They will need to track him down before they can enforce the debt and it probably wouldn't be worth it for £300

Anydaynowonewouldhope · 16/10/2022 18:08

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon normally companies just sell packages of debt to debt collectors and typically something for this amount would be included. I’m not sure but I’m guessing a uni would do the same.

butterfliedtwo · 16/10/2022 18:14

My first instinct was to pay the debt for him. But if I paid it, that would mean his younger siblings would go without in some way (not essentials, but fewer treats and smaller Christmas presents)

Well, that's not fair to them, is it? If you do pay, as you say that you will, at least be honest with your other children about it.
.

Original poster
CrazyHorse · 16/10/2022 18:27

Yea, the debt has been sold to a debt collection company.

I would never tell the other DC about this.

OP posts:
Anydaynowonewouldhope · 16/10/2022 18:32

Honestly I’d just pay it.

the debt collection company might give up

or they might just keep adding interest and get a ccj

and it probably won’t show up until three years when your son finds out he can’t get a rental property

for sure it would be fair to get him to then pay you - but if your relations are fraught - to be honest I would also just pay it and not tell him and move on. It’s the pragmatic and less stressful solution for you

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