How much should I actually intervene when I think my daughter is ruining her life.

[grabbygravy]

DD graduated from university last year and started work at a large accounting firm in November 21. She has ADHD, diagnosed. Such an intelligent girl, social so is fantastic at work.

She moved out, lives with her boyfriend now but called me last night in a flood of tears. She has felt very overwhelmed at work, wants to quit, says she hasn’t done any proper work in months. She’s been ignoring work’s emails and calls - this is a small industry, word gets around quick. I am tearing my hair out. She’s 22. At what point do I get involved? I just want to HELP, but at the same time this is the result of burying her head in the sand. I’ve tried to tell her to just speak to them but she’s frozen in fear. I don’t know what to do, she says she will just ignore them until they fire her. But she can’t do that. As parents of adult children, at what point do we intervene? We can only advise but in situations like these, what is the best approach? I’ve never worked an office job.

You leave her to it. She will find her way. I would advise her to hand her resignation in and start looking elsewhere. I know that office work can often be terrible for people with ADHD. She has many years to find a good fit and it might take a few attempts.

I would help her to calm down and not catastrophise the situation.

I would say she needs to find another role asap, so quit before she is fired, and start that one afresh.

Sounds like she has done pretty well up to this blip, if she overcomes this, all will be well.

Thank you Dalaï. I really do struggle with things like this, she’s an adult but it’s hell watching her so upset. I need to be voice of reason here but I’m just as worried :(. I

I agree, she may not be suited to things like this. I want her to go back to basics, see what she is really passionate about but she’s hellbent on this.

You're right - you can only advise and as an adult it is up to her to listen to your advice or not.

If she's not coping with or enjoying her job it's best for her to start looking elsewhere before they do fire her.

Just be there to listen, advise, sympathise, and pick up any pieces. That's really all you can do.

@grabbygravy

Just advise and be the voice of calm and stable reason. Won’t stop you from worrying mind. I have ADHD and I’ve learnt the hard way more than once.

Mid 30s now and all is calm but I still often make the same mistakes again once I zoom in on something. She’s clearly capable as she has got this far so try not to worry too much.

Her mental health comes first, she needs to see her GP and get signed off for stress. She can then send that to her company’s HR department (if she’s frozen in fear about her line manager).

The company may have psychologists who offer counselling to struggling employees…usually called an Employee Assistance Program. She should ask for that if they have it as it’s faster than a mental health referral via the GP. If they don’t, then she should be referred by GP to mental health services.

Then she can get to bottom of why she feels overwhelmed and if lack of accommodation for her ADHD played a role or whatever else may be causing it.

She may not be in a good enough place to look for a new job now.

She’s such a clever woman (i have called her girl in my post, but she is a woman isn’t she). I know she will do well when she puts her head down. My question here is what to tell new employers? Longer term impacts of this? She’s worried about this, and by extension I’m thinking about it too!

@grabbygravy

She just needs to keep it brief. Looking for a new challenge, left as wasn’t suited to the role. You can tell I’ve done this a few times right? 😉.

A lot of that generation move around a lot more now anyway.

Different perspective. I am neurodiverse, diagnosed 1 year into my role in a bank. Quitting is a bit drastic and will mean she just has the same issues in any other role! I’ve fallen into this hole, and it just becomes a pattern. I had 6 jobs in 2 years with this approach, it’s terrible for your mental health.

She has a diagnosed condition, she needs to explore what support and reasonable adjustments she can get in the workplace and work out if her employer is a decent, supportive one before deciding to move.

Does she have a manager/mentor she feels comfortable talking to and disclosing her condition? Alternatively do they have a business group/support circle for employees with disabilities that she can engage with? She find find someone supportive there that she can open up to and can help her talk to the right people. The Occ Health team can get involved and make recommendations for reasonable adjustments- can be as simple as task instructions are relayed by email, as well as verbal.

it probably feels like the end of the world to her, but ultimately, she is 22 and junior in a large firm, her job is to be learning, training and asking for help when required. In a firm with good culture her reaching out and asking for help will be seen as brave and her wanting to try her best to succeed.

if the reception she gets to asking for support is negative, then that says more about the company than it does her and then she should look for another role. I would recommend specifically looking for firms with neurodiversity friendly programmes- there are many out there!

Hi, I am female with ADHD and after uni office work sent me into depression and felt my life spiralling out of control! Staying in the job made me worse and worse! I got a more social job that involves working with the public and it has completely helped my mental health and now I am in a good position, happy and started a family of my own!

I would recommend to get out of there asap and focus on herself and mental health. As we can be a little self destructive as the pressure can get all a bit too much!

She's rung you because she needs your help and support.
I don't know much about ADHD but presumably she will need to find work that fits with this condition and adapting to certain requirements work wise will be harder for her.
Does her employer know about her ADHD? Have any adjustments been made for her?
I agree she probably needs some time off, but maybe suggest she contacts the HR department and explain that she's struggling and ask for help. A decent employer will not necessarily give up on her and will try and meet her needs in a way that also enables her to work.

Thank you for the practical advice. I will pass this on. They have an EAP service but she mentioned to me that she was scared that it wasn’t fully confidential. I will advise her to go to the GP.

She mentioned a while ago that her manager checks in with her every few days for updates on work. She has tried to do lists, tried working from office full time, tried WFH. I thought it was fine, but clearly this has been building up. I have never seen her so anxious, so you are probably right there. I want her to start counselling again too, but again can never force her. I’ve had a look at some other grad schemes she might like and many start in January. Would this gap be a problem for her?

I know just how you feel. My son with ADHD refused to go to Uni dispute good grades. I was so upset at the time and thought he was making a huge error. Turns out he knew himself better than I knew him. He started off working in a warehouse, then progressed to van driving deliveries, then did his Class 2 lorry driving and after 5 years did his Class 1 lorry driving. He is now a Class 1 lorry driver and drives somewhere different most days. He meets lots of new people and is very happy. As no degree he had no debts and managed after some struggle at first to save up a deposit and has bought his own house, has lovely girlfriend. I am so proud of him because when he decided on warehouse work over Uni I felt sick. I learned you have to let them make their own choices in life even if they make you feel sick at the time with worry. Just be there for her when she decides what will suit her.

She isn't ruining her life. Do not let her think that if she says it. That sort of catasrophising is what makes people freeze with fear (been there), as she already is.

She does not have to work in accountancy. It is fine at the age of 22 to try a job or industry and then find it isn't for you.

I agree with you that she needs to have a complete rethink. I cannot happily work in an office. I only learned this after years of office work unfortunately! I have had few problems getting jobs I want. They aren't high level because I am starting over. However, they are a step in the right direction. I'm 39 btw!

Ignoring them till they fire her is clearly the wrong thing to do for loads of reasons. Hopefully you or someone can reassure her that moving on now by handing in her notice is a perfectly acceptable thing to do

😁😁😁😁 glad I’ve got a professional on the job. I’ll pass this on! I am happy to hear this won’t be a barrier for her going forward

Is she in a union? If so encourage her to contact them. They can put her issues to the employers Sometimes find a compromise about current situation, like a written warning instead of dismissal then going forward possibly get things in place to support her in her work place. If it comes to dismissal they can sometimes get an agreed reference arranged. If there has been any lack of workplace support for your daughter they can challenge that as well. If your daughter is frozen in fear getting her started in sorting this one way or the other is the first thing. If she is in a union try persuading her to arrange a face to face appointment with them. Offer to go with her to the first appointment. Make sure you take some notes in about the issues or some will be forgotten once the meeting starts. Don't worry that you are overstepping by offering to go with her to a work disciplinary meeting or union meeting.People are generally allowed someone to support them in such meetings and people much older than your daughter have taken someone in support to such meetings.
If it comes to her leaving or being dismissed try to engage positively with her. An experience like this at 22 isn't the end of the world even though it might feel like it at the time. Plenty people have learnt and grown from poor work place experiences and gone on to do much better. 💐

First point of call needs to be ringing the GP and getting signed off with stress, ask for four weeks, and legitimises why she’s been ignoring work, etc. She sounds burnt out.

This gives her some breathing space to chill for a bit, think about what she really wants; does she want to sort things out with her employer, or does she want to find a new job? Are there any other problems in her life contributing to how she feels? Her home situation? Cleaning? Etc.

Can you go to her OP and help her ring the doctors, love and comfort her for a bit and tell her it will all be okay? And then a start making a list of how to get things sorted?

Also agree that getting signed off with stress is a good step! It will give her some breathing room, she will see if the firm responds supportively, then use the time to evaluate what the right thing for her to do is!

One thought: how bad is it really? All of this is coming from the night time panics - is she on an improvement plan at work, has anyone spoken to her?

Nothing concrete here says she actually is failing.

She's gaining self knowledge - finding an environment you feel comfortable to flourish in is a huge thing and often you learn through mistakes - I got a job in a big consultancy post graduation where I absolutely have none of the soft skills to make that work and it was only a stress crisis that led to me making much better choices.

I think by ringing you last night she was asking for you to step in and help.

22 might technically be an adult but I know I still felt quite vulnerable then and I needed my mum sometimes. Especially with ADHD and just never feeling quite like I had my shit together in the same way that my professional peers did.

I work in this area and it is possible your DD works for the same organisation. Wellbeing and mental health are top priorities and taken incredibly seriously. They are also improving understanding in relation to neurodivergence and the support that needs to be in place.

please encourage DD to contact the EAP which will be confidential. There may be others she can speak to - Mental Health champions? Respect & Inclusion advisors etc.

A lot of our new grads find the transition difficult and given the whole Covid situation and now the challenge of hybrid working, it really isn’t easy. But the firms want to make this work.

wishing you and DD all the best.

EAP services are fully confidential the same as any psychologist/psychiatrist. My DH has used them in past jobs and they were a huge help. (He has ADD and I have ADHD). The only exceptions are extreme things like if you say you’re going hurt yourself or others they have to report that to authorities. But anything you say about how you feel, about management, etc all fully confidential.

Yes she should go get signed off by GP. For at least a month from what you’ve been saying. HR will tell her manager and can communicate with manager on her behalf. This will give her (paid) breathing space and time to work with EAP counsellors. They can also advise her on communications with HR and so on depending on what comes up in sessions.

As it’s her first proper office job after University, I think it’s important to try and find out why she is feeling overwhelmed and not assume the job is a bad job or a bad fit. Often you don’t know exactly what accommodations you need until you’ve been falling over on the job. So I agree with the pp there may be issues that will simply follow her to the next job, and the next. It’s also worth giving the employer the opportunity to make things right. They could be a really supportive employer…

I’ve had a look at some other grad schemes she might like and many start in January. Would this gap be a problem for her?

I would hold off on drastic solutions like resign and do something different until she knows more about why things aren’t working and whether that can be helped. Also, there is no gap in employment if you are signed off sick. You’re still employed. If it comes down to deciding to try for a new job, she can do that while signed off and truthfully state she is still employed.

Thank you for this. I agree, I don’t want her falling into this pattern, getting new jobs and not seeing the underlying issues.
The start of this spiral, for lack of better wording, was because of something I’m sure would happen to any junior - failed to understand some wording in a report.

How to find these firms who are neurodivergent friendly? How to bring it up in interview? I want to research so I can advise her best.

She works at the moment for a firm that I think is known for lack of work life balance when I look it up. So that’s something to be concerned about.

@Discovereads thank you for confirming. I will pass this on and advise her to speak to them. I’m calling her later today to speak, so telling her to go to the GP, speak to EAP. Quitting is perhaps drastic, I agree.

Ds was like this at uni and called me in a similar way, not gone to lectures, not handed in work, ignoring it all. I kept calm and was practical. So got him to list what he had not done, list what his deadlines were and he was honestly surprised that it was not as bad as he thought. We then helped him work through and keep on track. He was not taking his antidepressants either which we encouraged him to do. Your dd is a woman but she might need some mum support. I did not judge just helped and we got there in the end. Although it is tough.