How much should I actually intervene when I think my daughter is ruining her life.

[grabbygravy]

DD graduated from university last year and started work at a large accounting firm in November 21. She has ADHD, diagnosed. Such an intelligent girl, social so is fantastic at work.

She moved out, lives with her boyfriend now but called me last night in a flood of tears. She has felt very overwhelmed at work, wants to quit, says she hasn’t done any proper work in months. She’s been ignoring work’s emails and calls - this is a small industry, word gets around quick. I am tearing my hair out. She’s 22. At what point do I get involved? I just want to HELP, but at the same time this is the result of burying her head in the sand. I’ve tried to tell her to just speak to them but she’s frozen in fear. I don’t know what to do, she says she will just ignore them until they fire her. But she can’t do that. As parents of adult children, at what point do we intervene? We can only advise but in situations like these, what is the best approach? I’ve never worked an office job.

If you can afford or she can/ or split the cost it I'd get her an ADHD mentor. (Make sure they understand ADHD and aren't jsut a random life coach) A couple of my friends have them though uni and I used to work in a similar role. Honestly I think we all one (but that might just be the ADD in me not understanding how others cope.)

If she's in a position to leave her job that might be the best thing, but if it were me I'd raise the issue first as she shouldn't be discriminated against for struggling.

I found to do lists for the day with achievable goals, (mini dopamine hits throughout the day.) colour coding everything from post it's to spreadsheets helpful, using timers and movement breaks really helpful (admittedly it was mainly going for fags and the gym and lunch .) I also would wear ear defenders a lot in the office even though people thought I was a bit mad for it it was the only way to cope for me.

Tbh I wouldn't do an office job again I can't actually sit still all day it gets me cumulatively wound up and increasingly stressed. I'm also no good at office politics.

Also is she medicated? I've built my life around not being but some of my friends who are have found it life changing (and they do sitting down jobs) and it's something I'm considering.

Quitting a job at 22 isn't the end of the world. But that isn't necessarily the answer. Don't use phrases like "burying her head in sand" as it is her ADHD and issues with executive function and burn out that are preventing her from dealing with this properly. Not because she isn't trying hard enough. Same with "put her head down" etc. ADHD isn't overcome by trying harder. In fact the likelihood is that the pressure of performing in a new job has led to this.

She can also get help from Access to Work, a government scheme. She needs to be clear with her line manager that this is caused by ADHD- can you help her by writing it down for her, so she does it and doesn't forget anything? Then she can take it written to line manager. Employers aren't able to help if they don't know what the problem is.

You don’t intervene.

You do nothing.

She’s 22, a graduate, lives with boyfriend, full time job - she is very much an adult!

Perhaps she is making a mistake and perhaps she will be fired but she will learn lessons from this.

All you can do is advise her. Even if she talks to them and tells them she’s so behind with work etc it might result in her losing her job anyway, especially if she’s still on probation.

Plus there’s a chance they already know she isn’t fulfilling her job and unbeknown to her they might have plans to end her employment.

She absolutely is not ruining her life - bless her. With accounting she has many options that are open to her basically anything commercial and a change of environment might be good for her. If she’s in a competitive company then feeling drowned can cause you to be incapable of anything. A step back is not a weakness - it’s a marathon not a sprint and all that. Even if she worked part time and looked at other passions it would be better than quitting all together. I agree there isn’t much you can do but you can make sure she has considered all her option rather than rushing and committing to all or nothing.

I’m sure this is all going to make her feel so much better about the situation. Well done.

I’m sorry about whatever experiences you have had in life that made you think that you don’t deserve your mothers care and assistance at 22 years old.

She should quit and do something else, definitely not ruining her life. Ruining her life would be continuing to work there while she's unhappy, increasingly trapped by financial committments.

Big corporates are not for everyone, and are certainly not the be all and end all - I think they absolutely suck to work for personally. Doesn't suit me at all. All you are doing for clients is making rich people richer and making the enormously rich partners of the firm richer still. It doesn't motivate me at all - I need to feel I'm helping people and do something with a social conscience.

It will help her having had this firm on her CV anyway.

I presume she passed her probation? That's pretty good of she did. She has also not been 'let go' yet which I think most of the big accountancy aren't shy to do with underperforming grads.

Does she set high standards for herself? Might it be her view of under performing is different to others?
Has she taken any exams yet? Has she got some coming up? The exams are not easy so feeling overwhelmed about those isn't that surprising.
Generally these big companies know what they are doing. They deal with grads and 'young people' all the time. I think she would have been told if there was a major problem.

Is there anything else going on that she might not be telling you? Maybe with her boyfriend? Maybe she is homesick?

One of my daughters still gets overwhelmed at times and wants me to help. Usually a good chat helps. That's what Mums are for. Can you go and see her?

She’s my daughter, whilst she is an adult she is a very young one. I want to support her the best way I can.

With ADHD why did she think accounting was a good career for her, you have to concentrate all the time and sit in an office. I suggest a career change, something varied, possibly outdoor, not office work, that must be hell for her.

Work is entirely different to Uni where you get breaks from work and are learning new things.

You cannot actually do anything practical nor intervene in any way. But what you can do is give her sensible advice when she turns to you for this.

I think lots of the advice above is very sound, particularly about talking with her employer.

Your role too is to express faith in her ability to work through this blip in her life - to give her confidence in her own abilities. If she hears you panicking, then she too will panic. She needs a calm and measured approach with buckets of love thrown in.

@QuitWhileAhead she’s passed her probation yes. She’s a bit of a perfectionist, she did very well in school. Had exemptions from her degree but has an exam in December. She’s revising well and going to her virtual classes. She has a tutor from her learning provider too. They are strict about exam failure at her work though, to me it is too high pressure!!

This was my concern too. I’ve let her know that she’s always got a place here (I’ve had to move recently so I don’t think it feels like home to her sadly) if she wants to move out of the flat.

I tried to pivot yesterdays call away from work but she’s told me she’s happy with everything and it’s just this. I’m going on Sunday to her, so we can get a coffee and do a food shop mainly

This is an interesting perspective, thank you. She’s not hugely outdoorsy. I think at junior level her specific job is tedious but once you get to the higher ranks it is much more interesting. But I will mention to her

Sorry for sounding insensitive in the wording - some phrases are from her but I do need reframe my thinking. Thank you for pointing this out.

We had an employee, quite a bit older than your daughter, that we had to let go because of their inability to just get on and do the work. They were supported but not closely supervised. Previously had worked in a similar role but was constantly 'fed' new tasks and quite closely managed, which he said he hated, however, left to his own devices, he couldn't do the job and would let things pile up or go off on a tangent and do other things, unrelated to what he'd very clearly been asked to do. He was very sorry about it and couldn't explain why he was acting that way. We suspected ADHD. We were very clear and kind (I hope) with him, that he had to improve and we tried to help by simplifying things, but it didn't work and we all agreed that it just wasn't the right role for him. We really liked him. We asked him to leave but gave him an extra month to find work (over the basic notice period) and paid him while he found another job. He's since found another job in a totally different field and loves it. It's horrible to see our children struggling. You could suggest that your daughter writes a basic email to her manager saying she has been struggling and asking for a face to face meeting with them to discuss. If they are decent they will help, if not then she is better looking for a different job, maybe something in a different environment.

I think that’s quite sound logic in a way. However, the bit that’s missing is getting to the senior positions where it can be more interesting.

I actually started my career in call centres. Sometimes awful for People with any form of ND. I know they are universally disliked on MN. But I loved it. I was 24 at this point and had floated from job to job, until then. Had got married and had a child. I worked for a big UK company. The job was quite technical and took ages to learn to expert level. Once I did that I would look for a new department to move too. Learn more, it was different enough to keep me concentrating. I became a Team Manager, still moved and the Ops Manager of a specialist team. Then oversaw a test a trial team, which was different test and trials every week.

I did get to a point where I was bored and moved to one of the Uks biggest supermarkets who claimed to be a big supporter of people with disabilities and/or invisible disabilities. Turned out it didn’t apply to people with invisible ones. I took a step back in my career as the work was completely different. The job I went to do is not what it actually was and was really high workload and repetitive. At one point I tracked leavers. It was a surprise to discover anyone who had declared any type of Neuro diversity left in under 6 months. The vast majority the week after the induction at head office where you were expected to sit for hours, listening to directors talk about their career and finish the day in a group of people you don’t know, writing and performing an advert for a product, in front of about 200 people. Then doing the ‘company dance’. Yes they had a company dance.

I lasted a year and they took no feedback on board regarding neuro diversity. I went long term sick. During which time my current employer, approached me and the MD and HR director have been really supportive. But outwardly they don’t make a claim to ‘ND friendly’. I am part of the Senior Director team and have just been given another promotion and additional team.

I don’t have a degree. My point of the post is that even though I didn’t go to uni, didn’t follow a traditional career path and had some stumbles, sometimes I didn’t know what I wanted I did come out successful. I managed to find an environment I could thrive in. In my early days I didn’t do have to do the boring, repetitive work that lots of entry level positions require.

I am not suggesting she goes work in a call centre as it might not work for her. But sometimes the ‘usual’ path to success doesn’t work. She is in a better position than I was as she has a degree, that’s an achievement.

Changing route isn’t a failure. if that is what she eventually decides.

What is the software?

Does her uni careers service have any sort of aptitude testing? Either that, or approaching an organisation like Careers Analysts. It could be just something small that needs tweaking either the type of work or the environnent.
If she's working towards the Icaew exams, they're relentless, think 3hrs a night and fortnightly exams. If she's a student under a training contract, the Icaew may also be able to help.

Has she thought of doing her accountancy exams via a different route?

I did mine in the public sector and my work-life-study balance was a lot more manageable and the work was a lot more varied.

Speaking to others on my course, some were working 14 hour days at busy times, and still had to study on top of that. I worked 7.5 hour days, and got time off and support for study.
Yes my wages were (& still will be) a lot lower than theirs, but overall I am content being in a place where I am happy.

I also feel the focus on good mental health was very front and centre at my organisation than perhaps it is at an accounting firm. My manager (Mom to ND kids), was very supportive and inclusive.

If she's doing ACA she could contact CABA who offer counselling for all students and members and is easily accessible and confidential (I used them when I had some anxiety several years ago and it was brilliant). Alternatively she could self-refer via Healthy Minds (to save the hassle of getting a Dr appt).

If it's a large firm they will have supports for her and there should be no reputation risk. Working with an adhd coach would also help her identify what strategies would help her with the role or what a role that works for her might look like. E.g. if she's an audit junior that may not be a good fit, but something else like internal finance, procurement etc could mean she's getting the variety that will help her stay engaged and more manageable deadlines (regular smaller deadlines than the lull to madness of audit season).

Does she get extra time for her exams. I think, if I remember correctly, that the extra time is quite significant. I think it can be up to 100% which is massive considering that the exams are some time pressured.

Considering that so many students get extra time these days you'd think they need to start making exams non time critical.

I'm 42 and my mum still helps me out loads!

Ffs wrong thread and a zombie thread at that! Sorry Please ignore me, will inform MNHQ

If she's studying for chartered exams, there's the charity CABA who have a 24/7 telephone line to call. Completely confidential. They're thé benevolent association for students members' and their families.
There are also organisations like Careers Analysts who do in-depth aptitude tests.
Best of luck to her, the exams are tough!

Oops! Didn't realise I'd already posted.