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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Christmas visit

48 replies

Emptynestermum · 11/10/2022 02:03

How long is reasonable to ask our grown up son to stay at Christmas? He lives over 200 miles away with his girlfriend who controls him. I was hoping for a few days given we don't see him much. They (she) have said 1 day.

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 11/10/2022 02:37

200 miles how long a drive? how many days off? when was the last time he visited and how long did he/they stay?
how many other siblings coming or still at home? what are the sleeping arrangements like?
lots of questions but my answer will depend on lots of other factors besides the gf.

ElmtreeMama · 11/10/2022 04:24

I'd say how many days they have off work is a big factor.

Ragwort · 11/10/2022 04:37

The fact you say his GF 'controls' him is worrying ... and therefore it doesn't really matter if you invite him for one day or one week, he is an adult and must make his own decision. Perhaps he is happy and doesn't actually want to visit but prefers to blame her? We have a similar situation with a family member who blames his wife for not 'allowing' visits but he is too weak to stand up to her ...it's sad but you can't make people behave in the way you want.

And if you 'insist' on a 3-4 day visit it's surely not going to be a very happy time for any of you? Easier said than done but I would just back off and try & be breezy about it ... 'hope to see you at Christmas but don't worry if you can't make it'. Forced visits are not much fun. I have an adult DS myself (only DC) so I do appreciate it's tough.

Trez1510 · 11/10/2022 04:51

Perhaps they only have a few days off.

One with you, one with her parent/s and a couple to themselves?

HairyMcLarie · 11/10/2022 04:52

So many factors at play here. Do they want to also see her parents? What is the distance between you and them? Do they drive or rely on public transport? How much time do they have off work? Are there events in their home location they'd like to attend either side of Xmas.

It became a logistical nightmare for me and my DP at Xmas to visit both sets of parents and a 600 mile trip over 3 days to get there and home to London to get to work on the 27th that we just stopped it altogether. I'm also an only child! It was mentally and physically exhausting.

The relief was immense. My parents were totally fine with it as we instead spend a week together in spring which is far better but DPs parents created a massive fuss and blamed me despite the fact they have 3 other sons, all married and have 6 grandchildren... and it was their DS's choice to not visit nor mine!

There is no 'acceptable' time period other than that which fits into their own plans and the more you fuss and demand the less likely it will be that they will come again for Xmas at all or that your time together is not particularly pleasant with seething resentment on both sides.

Original poster
Emptynestermum · 11/10/2022 10:17

Thanks for the replies.

They are about a 4 and a quarter hour drive away, with no traffic and no stops, so often longer. Our son does drive. We have a good relationship with him and he has always wanted to come before. Now they want to spend xmas day together and alternative between us and her parents for xmas day itself, and boxing day with the other family. That's fine of course but I am upset they can only manage 1 day with each family. Our son is off work between xmas and new year and say she probably will be also. We think they(she) just want maximum holiday time to themselves. She wears the trousers! Last year they each went to their own parents for 3-4 days (the 2 families are about 40 mins apart which helps) then spent the remaining 5 days of the holiday period together before going back to work.

We don't see him/them many times in a year now due to the distance and feel the minimim we would want over xmas is 2 complete days - one day at home for the usual xmas celebrations / food / extended family. That goes in a blur and I spend a fair bit of time in the kitchen of course. And another day to relax and go out and do something nice.

We don't feel we are being unreasonable so will have to speak to him. Otherwise she gets to call all the shots, and it will set a precedent for future years. Does that sound reasonable? I've thought about it so much now, I end up going round in circles.

OP posts:
Trez1510 · 11/10/2022 12:47

We think they(she) just want maximum holiday time to themselves. She wears the trousers!

What's wrong with wanting time to themselves?

PeppaPigIsBacon · 11/10/2022 12:53

Sounds to me like they’re trying to be fair to both families. I also don’t get what’s wrong with wanting to have time to themselves?

Lottapianos · 11/10/2022 12:57

They are grown adults, not children. They get to make their own decisions about how they spend their time. I think they are making an effort to see both families and trying to be fair. I understand that one days is not a lot and you feel disappointed, but can completely understand why they want lots of time to themselves. You seem to have a very negative view of her. 'Calling the shots' could also be seen as just being decisive and not martyring themselves

NeverHadANickname · 11/10/2022 13:02

I don't think you can expect anything really, they are adults so if they want to spend the whole holiday period on their own then that is up to them. Is your son unhappy with the decisions she makes? I know it is upsetting, we'd love to see my adult step children more and for them to spend more time with us over Christmas, but it is entirely their choice. It is unfair to put pressure on them especially when there are other families to see.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2022 13:03

You make it sound like he’s a puppet. You think she’s calling the shots and instead you want to do that. You can invite them for as long as you like but it’s not okay to set a minimum amount of time a visit has to last. If you do that you’re playing into her hands and they might not come at all.

Side note but it’s not inevitable you spend an entire day in the kitchen. That’s a choice and if you want to make the most of however long you have with him you can make a different one.

Woolandwonder · 11/10/2022 13:05

It sounds like he is growing up and building his own life and Christmas routines. Unfortunately you just have to accept that he only wants to visit for one night and has other plans that are also important to him.

ElmtreeMama · 11/10/2022 14:15

We also live a similar distance from family and have decided we will never be visiting over the main days as its just too much travelling and not enjoyable for us.
We visit early Dec instead usually for 1 day/or 2 days 1 nights
I think they're being good alternating the major days between both families

Trez1510 · 11/10/2022 16:20

Maybe I'm wrong, and I apologise if I am, but you seem (on paper at least) extremely resentful of your son's gf.

Not once have you said 'She's a lovely girl.' or 'They make a great couple.' or the like.

It's all about how she (inside your head anyway) 'wears the trousers' etc.

You intend to speak with him 'about this' .... I hope you're prepared for that china to break by your hand if/when he confirms he's calling the shots or they're a partnership who decide these matters together like the adults they are .....

Original poster
Emptynestermum · 11/10/2022 16:21

Thanks for the replies. There's absolutely nothing wrong with them wanting time for themselves and doing their own thing, I didn't mean to suggest that I thought there was. Just that with the bank holidays and time between Xmas and New Year it is an 11 day holiday this year, and I was hoping to have them for 2 days instead of just 1 day. Does that make me selfish? Letting go is hard, especially as Xmas has always been an important family time of year for us. I will ask if they are able to come for a couple of days and will try not to be too disappointed if they can't. Other members of the family are/were hoping to see them too while they are here.

We have seen them 3 times this year, Xmas will be the fourth. So we don't push ourselves on them or nag them.

Point taken about not spending too much time in the kitchen. I will look into easier cooking short-cuts!

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 11/10/2022 16:28

So in this scenario im your son! My parents live 2.5hr drive away and honestly Christmas is a ball ache. After a very busy period at work all I see Christmas is as having a few days off. We spend xmas day at home then I spend boxing day at my parents, however its really about 4 hours obviously adding 5 hours driving on top. Then Im knackered the next day and usually then back to work.
I can totally see why they dont want to spend all week driving between families, have you considered driving to their house?.

Hbh17 · 11/10/2022 16:35

He is an adult - why does he have to spend any time with either his parents or his partner's parents? I haven't visited family at Xmas for over 30 years, since I got a place of my own.
So enjoy the fact he wants to come on Xmas Day, and let them enjoy their break from work too. Maybe next year they'll decide to go skiing for the duration!

MarigoldPetals · 11/10/2022 16:37

Let them spend Christmas together at home. Perhaps suggest you see them earlier in December or early Jan.
I feel sorry for them having to drive all over. Sorry OP but you are the parent yet you sound like the child stamping your foot. If you love your son let him have a relaxed Christmas at home with his partner for once. Don’t put demands on how long he needs to stay with you.

SunlightThroughTrees · 11/10/2022 16:38

My DC are still little so I’ve not been in your shoes yet. I know I’d feel really upset if I only got to see my DC for a day over Christmas (or even worse, not at all!) BUT the tone of your posts suggests that you are owed/entitled to a visit from your DS. “We don't feel we are being unreasonable so will have to speak to him” sounds like you’re talking about a child who needs to be shown the error of his ways, not an adult, and I think the risk is that you end up pushing him away if you try to insist on them visiting for longer.

I do really feel for your predicament but I would perhaps say that you’d love to have them stay for longer if they’re able to but leave it at that.

C8H10N4O2 · 11/10/2022 16:45

Emptynestermum · 11/10/2022 10:17

Thanks for the replies.

They are about a 4 and a quarter hour drive away, with no traffic and no stops, so often longer. Our son does drive. We have a good relationship with him and he has always wanted to come before. Now they want to spend xmas day together and alternative between us and her parents for xmas day itself, and boxing day with the other family. That's fine of course but I am upset they can only manage 1 day with each family. Our son is off work between xmas and new year and say she probably will be also. We think they(she) just want maximum holiday time to themselves. She wears the trousers! Last year they each went to their own parents for 3-4 days (the 2 families are about 40 mins apart which helps) then spent the remaining 5 days of the holiday period together before going back to work.

We don't see him/them many times in a year now due to the distance and feel the minimim we would want over xmas is 2 complete days - one day at home for the usual xmas celebrations / food / extended family. That goes in a blur and I spend a fair bit of time in the kitchen of course. And another day to relax and go out and do something nice.

We don't feel we are being unreasonable so will have to speak to him. Otherwise she gets to call all the shots, and it will set a precedent for future years. Does that sound reasonable? I've thought about it so much now, I end up going round in circles.

How do you know this arrangement is not your son's preference as well? Why shouldn't he want time with just the two of them as well?

FWIW, I have open house at Xmas, my kids and their extras all know they can stay for as long or as little as it suits. I don't set expectations for minimum or maximum visits, just a heads up on likely bed numbers.

SaltyCrisp · 11/10/2022 16:47

I understand that you want a couple of days with your son over Xmas. Mumsnet has some strange people who don't get it and think it's such a bind to have to make a bit of an effort because they find it so exhausting.

Ideally, DS would come to you for a couple of days and his GF would go to her family. They should be able to cope with a couple of days apart. Otherwise make the most of your one day together, go out for a meal rather than spend hours in the kitchen and do domething special on that one day.

Hope it works out for you.

gogohmm · 11/10/2022 16:52

One day with each family seems fair!

gogohmm · 11/10/2022 16:56

@SaltyCrisp

Why should a couple have to spend Christmas apart to appease a parent who isn't accepting that they are an adult?

Very odd to expect them to go to their own parents. One of my dds is going to her Dp's parents house for Christmas, the other plus her boyfriend are coming to mine, not sure about dsd, we've told her to do what makes her happy

Original poster
Emptynestermum · 11/10/2022 16:56

Thank you SaltyCrisp. That's exactly what happened last year - she spent time with her parents and he came here then they enjoyed the rest of the holidays together. That was ideal but they now want to be together on Xmas day, which is completely understandable and absolutely fine. I'm just hoping for a couple of days instead of 1 day. We could go out for a meal but that would be trickier for one of the grannies. It's hard keeping everyone happy sometimes. I will definitely try and make the most of it whatever happens and will definitely go for easy cooking options. x

OP posts:
findingsomeone · 11/10/2022 17:05

I do think what you are wanting is unreasonable. Christmas is the one time of year a lot of people can do sweet FA. I don't want to spend the time away from home seeing everyone, I'm normally shattered anyway. It's a time of year like no other as the world quietens in many ways. What suits you doesn't suit everyone.

I think you need to be mindful about the relationship you develop with him and his gf going forward. Whatever sets in now will be hard to break in terms of any bad feeling, and I think it's good and fair of them to be doing a day with each side.

My MIL would say I wear the trousers. I would say her son doesn't care for spending time with his parents...Blush