Christmas visit

[Emptynestermum]

How long is reasonable to ask our grown up son to stay at Christmas? He lives over 200 miles away with his girlfriend who controls him. I was hoping for a few days given we don't see him much. They (she) have said 1 day.

I do think this is probably a case of letting them make their decisions and trying to be positive about it. I do sympathise but am only just out the other side of having multiple sets of parents to placate at Christmas and the whole 'who goes where' makes me shudder now, even though somewhere underneath it all I do still love Christmas.

M&S is your friend tbh.

Thank you for all your replies. They are making the long car journey anyway as his girlfriend wants to see her parents/family for one day (they live not far from us). So it's not us making them do such a long drive. Also, it was their decision last year to each go to their own family.

I don't have an issue with only getting them every other Xmas Day. Was just hoping for 2 days out of what will be 11 days this year.

Anyway, I plan to make the most of whatever time. And thanks for the tip of less time in the kitchen. :)

I absolutely get that they want to spend their Xmas day together, alone. As did DH and I 34 years ago, in our first home. Luckily, our families smiled snd let us get on with burning a turkey for ourselves.

With our own dc, we have accepted that they see somewhere else as Home, so we see them one day over Xmas at our home, and we see them one day over Xmas at their home. Gives them a chance to burn a turkey for us, show us their hospitality skills, all the new things they've added to their home etc. it's a time for new traditions to develop.
For us,distance is not too great but if necessary I'd even stay at a hotel local to them.

However, i would hate to be one of those parents demanding attendance on high days and holidays - since mine turned 18 I have always asked rather than expected, and made it clear that if they had a better offer there were no hard feelings. I think this has contributed to the excellent relationships I have with my dc's partners (and their families!)
I am also not afraid of being on my own with my ageing DH, we can still burn a turkey in style.

We only ever do a day with each family at Christmas then the rest to ourselves. Now we live 200 miles away from family we're having Christmas by ourselves with our DD for the first time ever. DP is fully on board with this! I think it is unreasonable to expect a longer visit tbh, they've made it fair between the families and then this year they'd like some time together as well. What is wrong with that? Surely its part of growing up.

To be fair you don’t sound very welcoming to the his partner so I’m not surprised they are only spending one day with you. I wouldn’t spend my holidays with someone who quite clear doesn’t like me

As much as most of us would love to see our adult children for a few days at Christmas, I do think we need to keep quiet and be led by them. They’ve got their own lives. Tell them they’re very welcome for as long as they wish then leave it to them. Organise some days out with friends, or go away for a few days with your DH between Xmas and NY.

I wouldn’t put pressure on your DS as it could have the opposite effect.

You say she wears the trousers but I think you're passed off the fact they're not doing what you want.
Christmas it always hard for couples trying to please everyone as it is without family adding extra pressure. My work gets extremely busy before Christmas and I get to the point where I just want to be able to relax at home.
If they extend your visit to 2 days, they'll feel the need to do it for her parents too which makes a 4 day trip (2 days written off for travelling plus both parents) to a 6 day trip.
Be very careful of applying guilt of pressure into them otherwise in future they'll do what DH and I have resorted too - going away over Christmas to get away from all the guilt.

Have any conversation you want, but I suspect you'll see even less of them if you do.

Why don't you go and visit them for a weekend- stay in a hotel if they don't have room.

I agree
we are guided by what DD and DSIL want to do.
which is alternating years between parents.
yes, we miss them every other year, but we know we have to let them live their own lives, not dictate to them.
land it makes every other Xmas that bit more special.

Ask your son to help you prepare the meal, you’ll have help and get to spend some quality time with him

Blimey so the lad has a ‘controlling’ partner and a controlling parent.

Strange question. You have been told one day, so you need to accept that one day it is. Or is it you that wants to be the controller?

When I got married my DM told me not to come for Christmas (even though she would be on her own) as I should be making time with my husband.

Nowadays she comes to ours but DH and I were very grateful in the first couple of years to have the opportunity to have a Christmas at home together.

Being totally honest, we do 1 day at each set of parents and wouldn't be keen to do more as we don't get a lot of time together due to work. Neither of us is controlling the other.

Is your son's GF really 'controlling' or do you just not like her and the fact he has grown up?

We don't see either family Christmas Eve/Day/Boxing day.

I spent my childhood up to the age of 18 spending the Christmas period in a car hoofing it hundreds of miles to see both sides of my parents family. I hated it. It was the opposite of fun/relaxing/enjoyable.

It was stressful, exhausting, and such hard work. I hated not waking up in my own home or being able to make my own plans, have a lie in, watch a movie, just have a nice relaxing time. We spent Christmases with 20 odd people squeezed into too small living rooms with nowhere to sit, then sleeping in box rooms on airbeds or on pull out sofas and having to share a bathroom with 8 people.

As an adult I won't do it. I don't enjoy big extended family days/spending Christmas in the car.

We visit both sides of the family either on the 23rd, or between the 27th and 30th, and only for 1 night.

Is part of the reason they are only doing 1 day because they feel to be dairy they need to give Xmas and boxing day to different parents, and they feel they should spend same time with each, so it kind of ends up having to be only one day unless they are able to arrive with the Xmas day parents a few day earlier, which would be an issue for most people for work.

It might not be that, but in case it is you could drop in that it doesn't matter when over the Xmas period you see them, if they want to come for longer they are welcome to come over new year instead or the week in between, and you'll do a second Xmas then? Less pressure to get to 2 places in 2 days then.

However, it could also be that they have other things they want to do in that holiday time, or just find can't really relax staying with in laws. That's up to them and you cant really do anything about it. If you make them feel too bad, or keep commenting they might avoid coming at all next time!

So i would have one conversation with you son where you made it clear they are welcome to stay for longer if it suits them, and you can be flexible on dates if that makes a difference, but however long it is you are looking forward to seeing them. Then don't mention it again.

• To be fair! No idea where dairy came from!

Being an adult doesn't mean you don't have obligations- quite the opposite. One of those obligations is seeing your loved ones at Christmas. Well, it is for normal people ...

Does he/they always come to see you? Is there somewhere inexpensive you can stay near them?

What would happen if you said “oh that’s a shame you can’t stay longer at Christmas, but it’s such a busy whirlwind time of the year isn’t it. How about we come down and see you for a weekend in early December/mid January as well so we can spend some time together when it’s a bit less mad?”

But the DS and his GF are travelling all the way to see them on Christmas Day. Can't get much more adult than that.

It’s understandable to feel disappointed, but you don’t get to tell him what’s reasonable. As an adult, that’s his choice to make. Referring to his girlfriend as “controlling” is a bit of a flag to the rest of us, because it’s evident from this post that you’re trying to control his choices. I know it’s difficult to hear it, but as the mother of sons, a day comes when we are no longer to most important female voice in their lives. It’s usually their partner that retains that role. That doesn’t make her controlling. And as long as she isn’t abusive, it’s his choice to be with her.

As far as the holidays go, that’s a hard transition for a lot of parents to grown children. There is nothing unreasonable about splitting their time between both families during the holidays. It caused so many problems for us that my husband and I started alternating holidays between our families. Family A gets Christmas one year and Family B gets it the next. If you want to see him more, you can try to set up a family getaway or other weekend together (with full buy in on dates from them) that doesn’t have you splitting time. Even still, it’s not unusual at this age for adult children to resist so much time together. For many, going home has them returning to a childlike role that no longer feels good for them. They also have their own lives and happenings. I’d recommend being understanding and supportive, knowing that the more you push, the more he will pull away.

It sounds as if they are being fair. My own DS with a very controlling partner only goes to her family at Christmas (not her parents even). It really hurts.

Sound fair to me.
Considering how you feel about her, I cannot imagine she doesn't know it. People always think they hide it but they don't 🤷‍♀️
And maybe your son doesn't like the way you think about his partner and this one day is the most he wants to do. No way he doesn't know either

Wondering how often you travel to see them? Maybe aim to catch up more during the year so this one day doesn't bother you so much.

When was the last time you made the trip to visit them? Maybe Christmas isn’t the best time to get in some really good visiting time.

your son is growing up. He may have been away from home for some time, but the transition from his original family to full Independence is slow. You need to recognize that things are going to change.

Also consider when he does come home, are he and his girlfriend treated like adults or are they still getting treated like teenagers? If they are sleeping on the floor of the and eating at the kids table, they aren’t likely to want to stay long.