My 22 year old daughter hates us all

[Longtoes49]

Longtoes49 · Today 14:13
My daughter was the perfect child until she hit 16 - and has been a complete nightmare for the past 6 years. She is completely self absorbed, never gives a thought to anyone else and would pick a fight with her shadow if she could. She stays out for nights on end and never lets us know that she’s not coming home even though that is all we ask of her, we’ve given up asking any probing questions because she rarely tells the truth and then that causes an argument. She completely trashes her room and anything else she touches. She did move out for a year which we were glad about but soon moved back when she realised it’s not as good as it first seemed. She has a good job that she manages well and gets paid very well but she never pays her credit cards or store cards and is forever being written to about it. She causes me so much anxiety - I keep thinking she will grow out of it but she’s 22 and seems worse than ever. I’ve tried many times to talk with her but she usually tells me to get lost. Any advice would be appreciated.

Time for her to move out!

She needs to move back out! Why are you tolerating this? She earns decent money, she can pay for her irn accommodation and see how far she gets trashing that. She won’t change when she doesn’t have to.

She’s an adult. A horribly behaved one but an adult all the same. Tell her to go.

If she wants you to get lost, she knows what to do - why did you let her move back in?

She needs to move out and you need to not let her move back in, she sounds a nightmare .

She needs to move out. She's stuck in adolescence and it isn't doing her any good. On the plus side, she has a decent job - Find her a flat - pay the first month and deposit if you can (it will make getting her out easier) - and move her key, give her a key, kiss her goodbye and say you'll look forward to taking her out to lunch in a couple weeks.

Turn her bedroom into an office or craft room. She needs to understand she can't just come back.

Stop facilitating her, basically. Everyone will be much happier.

Yep. The obvious. She needs to move out.

She needs to move. Disrespectful little madam. If she’s earning she can go and rent somewhere. Give her a timeline like a month. See needs to grow up.

You should make her pay for the damage if she trashes her room.

Make your home less attractive.. No cooking. No washing. No WiFi password..

Pack her bags now, tell her to book into a hotel for a few nights until she finds something permanent
Change the locks, you have put up with this shit for long enough. Tough love now op she needs to stand on her own two feet.

Assuming there is nothing that has happened that has left her traumatised or that she doesn't have any mental health issues or any vulnerabilities that mean you need to take a different approach it is time to remind her that she is an adult and lives in your home because you allow it, not because she has the right to.

Tell her to change her attitude or move out.

@Longtoes49
Your house your rules, I was a late leaver from home and still had to live under my folks rules was there house and I was just a lodger, tell her if she does not buck up her ideas to pack her bags and go.

It’s time for some Tough Love OP.

You are her mother and love her but you are enabling her toxic behaviour. She is way too old to behave like a petulant teenager, so set some ground rules and if she kicks off tell her she knows where the door is.

Yep, she needs to move out. The problem is, when you spend to much time with your parents you start to regress. I'm almost 50 and I know I'm guilty of it! independence will help her gain the maturity she desperately needs and will improve your relationship.

I think you know it's time for her to go, OP. Perhaps you should ask her if there are any issues/problems that you don't know about first. Do it on a day when she's not being horrid - and depending on her response (which I imagine will be that it's none of your business) you will then find it easier to ask her to go. Give her a month's notice. Tell her you love her but that you don't like living with her.

She needs to move out and be an adult

I'd be showing her arse the door. Her behaviour is deplorable and I can't imagine why you have allowed this in your own home.

If you are really unable to say you want her to live elsewhere, I believe the traditional thing is to move to a smaller house...

What's the twist?

Did something happen to her at 16? Trauma could well explain the personality changes and she may not have told you, especially if it was a sexual assault.

In any case, she needs to move out but could you offer to pay for therapy for her?

Sometimes individuals who experience high-functioning autism behave in this manner. The condition is less evident in females because their social skills tend to be more flexible than those of the male who has autism. There have been quite a few posts recently about adult children who make poor use of the executive function to plan and get organised ( even to the extent of over-sleeping and missing an important exam).

It does happen the the very regularised routines and setting of work bring out the best in such people. They can focus when they need to, and when doing the same proscribed things every day. Often it is the things which they deem less critical, or for which consequences of failing will not be as drastic, which they just leave. Autistic people tend to do well focusing on one very important priority. They also tend to be less impressionable to social pressures to conform and do what everyone else does.

I might be wrong, obviously, but certainly worth considering that she might struggle to help herself to manage and not really understand her feelings and why she is failing in certain areas. Apologies if this suggestion is irrelevant.

Please tell me she is at least paying her way?

She’s an adult with a job and enough money, so no reason to be living with you. If she can’t respect you and your home, no reason she should be living there!

Why does she hate you?

I have DS22 still living at home and no way on earth would I tolerate this from him! I would also be very concerned about her not paying her credit card bills. Could this result in your address being blacklisted and it affecting your credit score?

I have often thought she has MH issues and have suggested counselling which she just turns on me and says if she has it’s no wonder with me as her mother - she can be very spiteful.