Dd comming to.live with is after uni.. advice re what workwd for you. ..

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Please may I have ýour advice re , and experiences of dc returning home after uni.
Dd has a partner at uni and has asked to come and live with us whilst she looks for a job. This means that partner will also be here quite a bit too. ( he actually lives nearby at his parents home but dd cant go there due to it being a v small house and ill health issues)
When dc come home for weekends etc ,i make their fave foods, get special treats in , bubble bath etc ,do a wash.. they come and be pampered and love it.
Now , I simply cant do this for an indeterminate period of time now dd is going to be living with us.

This is both financially ( energy bill will increase, food etc) ... as well as energy wise. Its nice and all very well for a weekend .. lovely but tiring. She is mature and is aware that we cant do this allmthe time.. but part of me knows adult d c can regress when ' home'.. i am concerned that it will be a big adjustment for her living independantly to at home with parents( will both slip into child and parenting roles or will she be the adult shw has become ?!) .. am concerned that we will get on her nerves as we are used to our own ways now. ( and dh is 62 )
Would it be good to lay out expectations ..
Like do yr own washing
Dont have long showers( we cant afford it.we are not charging her rent or food as want to support
Post uni).
I feel bossy but it is our home and i / we will also need time to.ourselves( she is friendly and likes company a LOT.. I want to be able to do walks with dh still etc ...am.unsure how much to adjust , what to expect, what is kind and reasonable??
Any thoughts on this transition ? Thank you.

id sit down and explain that you need to be very clear on both sides as to expectations if she moves home

for example you've been living in an empty nest so have altered your own ways since she moved to uni and rather than fall out later down the line, feel its best to have ground rules on both sides

for example you want showers to be minimal as its costly but also are aware when she goes out for a night out that she has a key and its not your business when she returns or if she goes out at 10pm for drinks. You'd like to know for safety reason if she is in or out of the home though so a quick message and an open bedroom door when she is out - shut when home and message if not returning

there may be other items on both sides but best to have them on the table before th return and stick to the most important really

my advice would be to have an expectation of her otherwise you'll end up doing everything. Let her do her own laundry and cooking, don't get involved

Thanks . Good advice. !

Everything IVY said.
I would be charging some housekeeping too. If your budget is such (as is the same for many, many families) that you are having to be conscious about how long a shower takes, then you are not in a position financially to let her live for free. She needs to understand that - and probably does if she has been budgeting for herself whilst at University.
She needs to pick up some work (in a bar / shop / waitressing / care work / etc) whilst looking for her 'career job'.
I would establish who is cooking each day - she ought to be cooking at least twice a week if there are 3 of you there, and her and her partner should be doing half the meals if they are both there.

Thank you.
Really helpful.
An additional issue is that after a day at work dh after food together like to have our own space.. he likes quite challenging films wereas i like to meditate, sit quietly, knit, watch house.progs( ww do go out qto music a lot tog , hence the tight household funds as we value live music v much( not expensive just in pubs , but it still.costs).. i am wondee if it is ok to keep this rountine as much as poss . I dont want her to be lonely but ww have got v used to this evening wise( wd see her.whwn not at wk)

Definitely have your own space in the evenings, and be clear that’s how it’s going to be.
Make sure she has good internet connection in her room, and a tv if possible. Our adult dd disappeared out/to her room after dinner, she didnt want to be with us anyway.

If you are going to provide food then what’s the deal about this? DD paid us a nominal amount in return for food and we all had dinner together. She did her own laundry and cleaned her own room. DH is very tidy and she respected this, but every so often he would gather up her clutter and dump it back outside her room. But we respected her privicy and never went in her room without an invitation.

Id like to.help her out with food so that it can help with a flat deposit in addition to her earnings whilst get career job. She is v resourceful and a hard worker and it will be easy for her to get seasonal work here.
I really want to help as we are helping ds each month towards his flat whilst he is doing his post grad course.
Its a huge squeeze on our income ,but it feels fair.

I didn’t charge rent until DS got his first job which was in the September I think
after that he kept his first months wages and then we split rent/bills equally and shared food. He stayed until the following December when moved to a second job. I helped with the flat search!

When my DS returned home from Uni he was still doing his Masters dissertation but his contract had run out on his Uni house, so we had 2 months where he was still a student. The minute his dissertation was done I pointed him in the direction of part time job vacancies he could do which still gave him time to job hunt for more permanent roles. He got an interview with a supermarket 2 days later! We agreed not to charge him as we wanted him to have a deposit for a flat if he moved away for a job. But we can afford not to charge. Fast forward 6 months and he now has a ft office job locally - just the way it worked out as he had applied for other jobs away from home - so for now he's still here.

We carry on with life pretty much as we were when he was away. He does eat with us in the evening - but he does his share of the cooking. I still do all the washing but I've never been one to see the point in running the w/machine for separate people. He spends most evenings in his room so doesn't interrupt tv viewing. It's not all plain sailing as we still have disagreements over the state of his bathroom and the crockery in his bedroom (just like in student days) but other than that we just carry on as before. We are trying to formulate a plan for him to move out (he wants to as much as we would like him to) but not into an expensive rental - and unfortunately we don't live in the sort of area which has readily available house shares of young adults.

Its great to hear others experinces of what to us is uncharted territority! It feels v diff to treat visits of uni and a different era .

You seem nervous of her?
Have you not had a good relationship in the past?
I'd imagine if you kept up going to pubs your daughter would be pleased.
She would get some time in the house on her own.

If she isn't contributing financially to the house then could she do something else such as gardening or decorating?
If you haven't much cash why not get her to do the cleaning?
i think one of the biggest issues might be her boyfriend staying over. What about making it clear that it’s not that often and that it definitely doesn’t include laundry or food. When he is over they can sort their own food. Can he do some chores for you too.
When my adult kids have stayed at home we’ve always done the laundry together as it’s wasteful for everyone to do their own unless they can fill the washing machine. They sorting their own washing once it was done though.
I enjoyed the times when my adult kids stayed with us. It was good fun.

Lolllllllllllll yes i am.a bit. ! We get on well . Its just that i have adhd and am a introvert at home and i need routine v v much as the house gets v v messy f i dont!
For eg when they come they eat b fast at about 10 or 11 ( cooked )
. My daily and v soothing routine.. is to clean the kitchen early then lay out lunch stuff.. i am really anxious about the rountines that both keep me sane and the household running being changed..and i think its a bit much to ask another adult..ie dd to fit in such a routine as she exoerinces it as uptight , or has done in rhe past.. like why cant i be chill like other mums.. i think that she does understand it now.. but my carefully developed routines are v imp to adhd management but i do feel its an imposition on other people .. when its just for the wewkend say i dont do them to.allow others to chill ,but as this will be longee term i need to think about meeting everyones needs for a peaceful household.my dh has adapted to it and it works v well. ( eg really really struggle to cook if anyone else in room.. it burn pans , miss ingredents out!) And i do feel nervous and also lack confidence about what is ok to.ask of dd as i do feel guilt that i am not quite rhe norm !

'DD coming to live with us after uni?' I find that strange, surely she's just coming home after uni?
My dd is in her second year but she comes back weekends, holidays etc and when she leaves uni she'll just come back home till she gets a job and eventually moves out. She does her own washing and will cook for everyone when she's back sometimes.

It sounds like you're talking about a stranger coming to stay with you not your DD.

CarrieCookie
She is not a strangee . How rude of you to imply that. We see her most months anyway.

. Its a change in life for us all, as is recognised by other posters.

and i think its a bit much to ask another adult..ie dd to fit in such a routine as she exoerinces it as uptight , or has done in rhe past.. like why cant i be chill like other mums.. i think that she does understand it now.. but my carefully developed routines are v imp to adhd management but i do feel its an imposition on other people

ok

its not to much to ask someone wanting to live with you to respect your anxiety, thus your routine to keep yourself healthy

other mums will have various characteristics that make them unique, but only their nearest and dearest know about- just look at mn for parents that eat their children’s chocolate to other habits

you feeling it’s an imposition to other people is, I would think anxiety at how others see you? Tell your daughter this bothers you but for your mental health you’d appreciate her kindness on this matter from both herself and her dp

its your primary home and it’s a privilege for her to return, it’s not something she should take for granted.

ivykaty44 thank you . Yes i am rather ashamed of my qwirks! .that is really kind. It is also helpful to suggest it can be normal. I think in the past when she was a teen she felt cross that i wasnt as chilled as i cd be ( undiagnosed at the time) and i felt ashamed and tried hard to not bw the real me . Know we both know and also she has lived alone it may be diffent now and perhaps i need to boost my own confidence in that i have learnt to.manage this condition better for the good of all , an that i do have a neuro condition that i need to work with , play to.my strenghts and work on my weak spots!

Both of ours came back to live at home for a year or two after graduating.

Once they were earning reasonable money I did charge them - roughly half of what they’d have had to pay for a flat share locally - rent only, no bills.

Personally I don’t think it’s a good idea not to charge - it’ll come as that much more of a shock once they do eventually move out and find out what a roof over your head, heating, hot water, etc. actually cost.

You can always save it for them - we didn’t, but did help years later with house deposits.

It worked fine for us.

Our house is my children’s home still, so when they come home from uni and after uni, they are just coming home and I don’t treat them like guests. I feel the same as @CarrieCookie and I find it odd that you said she was being rude when she said that. I feel with the cost of living, house and rent prices it may be a while before they can afford to move out. I imagine having a partner in tow would be difficult though.

CarrieCookie actually, post-university, I think it's wise of op to view this as a new relationship; three adults sharing a space, replacing the adult>child dynamic, and it's good to sort some ground rules out from the beginning, especially if the bf is staying over a lot.

It sounds like it might be a stretch financially and op's routine and physical space is important to her, so there are things that need talking about. I totally get that.

Op's asking because she wants to lay down some ground rules at this point so that she can do this for her DD while maintaining some of the freedoms she has gained since her DC left home. I don't see what is wrong with that at all. I think it's very sensible. And once DC have left uni, I do think it's fine to focus a bit more on your life as a couple.

And anyway, as parents and DC, we are all a mix of different personalities, some stronger than others, some more rigid or laissez-faire , some more introverted, and we all have different levels of tolerances, resources and space. There's therefore not one rule that suits all.

My DD lives at home while she attends uni and while supporting and encouraging her, I am certainly NOT doing her washing. I don't see it as a help to her to be doing jobs for her which she is totally capable of doing at her age. The way I see it, that would only make her transition to independence and the RL more difficult, not less!

She's good with money and we support her financially, with learning to drive, provide free accommodation and food, and she in turn works pt hours to cover some of her own expenses, empties the DW daily, keeps the bathroom tidy, does her own laundry (including bedding and towels) and takes her turn food shopping and cooking (except during exam period). I don't feel remotely guilty about this.

Op in your shoes, I would talk to your DD about how often your dd's bf stays over as that does change the dynamic. I think it's fine to maintain a bit of control - and space - in your home and that will lessen your anxiety about this situation. So maybe lay down a boundary such as, no bf mid-week or only on Tues and Thurs, and then you know you will have a guaranteed breathing space at various points during the week. But equally there may be times, at weekends say, when your DD would like the kitchen and living areas to be free for her and her bf. Good luck

I think it's a good sign that she has asked not just assumed.

A couple of things not mentioned by others:

Is it really the case that she can't spend any time at her partner's? It might be a smaller less comfortable set up but if he can live there, surely she can spend some time there?

I would definitely place some limits on how often her boyfriend can be round - for me, that would be 2 nights a week. They can do some weekends away or stay at his if that's not enough time.

Good luck OP! Could you charge her rent (as a PP suggested, perhaps half of what she'd pay elsewhere) and then save that for her but don't tell her? That way she's saving for a deposit, but also contributing to the household and not getting used to living rent free.

Classicblunder no she really cant . There is a severe illness in the family which will affecr lifespan of one adult in household. I cant say more ,but its delicate and not one were even a gf that is much liked can go and live there . There are not enough bedrooms and a family member already sleeps on sofa.

Thanks, I didn't think I was rude either.

Oh well...

Thanks, I didn't think I was rude either

It's not so much that you were being rude CarrieCookie but when you say things like:

It sounds like you're talking about a stranger coming to stay with you not your DD.

you are sort of implying that the op has a less close relationship with her DD than you do with yours. So it's not surprising that some offence is taken!

It's a wrong assumption to make too. I have to make sure that we have basic rules in place with my daughter attending uni from home, precisely because we are so similar and close, that we clash a bit as we like the same things and like to do the same things, and in the old parent> child dynamic, and it would be very easy for me to do too much for her, but imho, she won't learn and grow and be prepared for an independent life if I do that. And anyway, imho, it's good to change the dynamic from parent>child to adult-adult because it shows them respect that they have reached a different phase of life.

Heroicghosts couldnt have explained or put it better myself .. thanks.

Heroicghosts Hits on a really good point about establishing an adult to adult relationship and leaving the adult child relationship behind