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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Adult son lives with us and prefers his father

38 replies

Isparkle2 · 18/04/2022 10:15

Our 25yr old only child is living with my husband and I for various reasons I can't get into here. My son told me in front of my husband the weekend that he's biased towards his dad and when I confronted my son about it he just replied that everyone is biased. My husband seemed pleased that he was the preferred parent and I've been devastated ever since. I feel like I can't trust my son or husband anymore and that I'm now an outsider. Am I over reacting? We were a very close family until then and now I don't know what to feel anymore or how to cope with my son's open bias towards his father. Can anyone give me advice please?

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 18/04/2022 10:17

WTF!!

Biased may have been an odd choice of words but you are completely overreacting here.

Original poster
Isparkle2 · 18/04/2022 10:20

Why do you think I'm over reacting?

OP posts:
MeridasMum · 18/04/2022 10:21

That sounds really difficult OP.

In general, are you aware of this bias? Or was this the first you heard of it?

Could DS be being a bit of an arse? - was he a bit annoyed with you for something you said/did earlier and he was punishing you? Perhaps his dad is easier going than you or easier to be around. None of this means that he loves you less.

I'd ask him and tell him you feel hurt by what he said. And I'd speak to yours DH about this. This is not something to crow over. He should be with you as a united front.

Also, maybe DS should be thinking about getting his own place. He seems to behave as a child by saying things like that. Adults think lots of things that never need to be said. Perhaps by living with you at that age, he is retaining childlike behaviours (and I say this as a mum of young adults so I do understand).

titchy · 18/04/2022 10:22

Most people have more in common with one parent than the other. It doesn't mean they love the other any less Confused

Fireflygal · 18/04/2022 10:23

How does he react to you? We all tend to have a stronger connection to one parent. Perhaps our personalities are more similar or there are common hobbies. Boys often feel closer to a male role model.

Do you believe your son loves and respects you?

VampireMoney · 18/04/2022 10:24

He's an ADULT. That's why you're overreacting. By the time our kids are adults they tend to gravitate towards the parent they feel they have the most in common with. It's pretty standard.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/04/2022 10:25

Yup, totally over reacting. And if you're normally this dramatic, it's possibly why. Some people prefer less dramatic types.

AskingforaBaskin · 18/04/2022 10:26

Agree that you are over reacting.
If you did a poll I would predict that almost every adult had a preferred parent.

One they have more in common with and relate to more.
I get that it stings but you're acting like their plotting against you.

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/04/2022 10:27

Do you honestly expect him to always feel like he gets on with both of you the same amount?

When my boys were teens, not as much of a bond because its natural at this time for boys to find a different relationship with their mothers. Still loads of love. As adults, especially with the one who is now a parents, many new things in common and a greater bond. Still loads of love but a new appreciation of each other. It's normal.

RJnomore1 · 18/04/2022 10:28

Crikey. A bit of proportion needed op. Has he acted in a way that suggests he DOESNT like you? If you were all very close until now it sounds not. And why would your child’s preference for your husband make you feel excluded by your husband?

Are you in general quite clingy?

Perhaps it’s time the 25 year old moved out too.

JustaMirage · 18/04/2022 10:28

I think it’s natural to prefer/get on with one parent over the other. However he didn’t have to say it.

LadyEloise1 · 18/04/2022 10:34

Would the "various reasons that you can't get into" @Isparkle2 influence his choice of words ?

I'd be sad too by the way.

SparklingLime · 18/04/2022 10:38

@VampireMoney

He's an ADULT. That's why you're overreacting. By the time our kids are adults they tend to gravitate towards the parent they feel they have the most in common with. It's pretty standard.
They also tend to live independently so any “biases” aren’t continually under the parent’s nose.
CurlyToStraight · 18/04/2022 10:39

It's normal to prefer one parent over the other. I'm guessing there is a back story though. How did the fact he is "biased" towards your DH come up in conversation? I suspect that might also be telling as to the reason.

tearinghairout · 18/04/2022 10:42

I think it's a harsh thing to say, but it's also totally understandable that he feels closer to his dad, another man. Maybe another day, if his dad annoyed him.and you agreed with him, he'd say he was closer to you. I went through a difficult phase with my DS a few years ago and now we enjoy each other's company but I know that he's much closer to his dad and tells him stuff he doesn't tell me. It's just how it is. It's like how we are with our friends - like them all but in different ways and feel closer/warmer towards some than others.

Dillydollydingdong · 18/04/2022 10:42

My dgd is "daddy's girl" - a fairly common phrase. It doesn't mean she doesn't adore her mummy too. I'm sure all children have one parent that they naturally gravitate towards.

workingmomlife · 18/04/2022 10:47

If he was 12 I'd be a bit upset....he's 25 for gods sake. And I'm sure by bias he meant "closer to" or "more in common with" - not unusual and If you are this needy towards a grown man I can see why he might have those feelings

Original poster
Isparkle2 · 18/04/2022 10:51

I don't know how to reply to these kind of discussions so I hope I'm doing it right. I do feel my husband should have shown a united front otherwise I wouldn't have felt so excluded by our son's comment. The fact my husband was pleased at hearing it made me feel worse. There is a need for our son to stay with us at present but it's only temporary. I don't want to go into detail but my husband and I have always looked after our son 50/50 and been there for him 50/50 although I've always been the major breadwinner and I've always worked from home. I know my son respects me but I do feel he loves me less than his dad as his dad does all the cooking and fussed over him more although the sacrifices I've made for our son have been way more than my husband and I've suffered in other ways because of it eg health and appearance. My husband always put our son first when he was growing up and many times I felt like I was the au pair instead. I used to complain about that and my husband would admit it and say he wouldn't do it again but then he did. Our son has always sided with his dad and I've often complained about that but my feelings about that has also been disregarded.

OP posts:
crackingreward · 18/04/2022 10:52

Can anyone give me advice please?

Have a cup of tea and then get on with your day?

This is the most ridiculous think to be 'devastated' about. Seriously. It's normal for people to have one parent they lean closer to. I actually think it's odd that it had to be spelt out to you. I'm fully aware my eldest is all about me and not her dad, the youngest is the opposite.

crackingreward · 18/04/2022 10:54

My husband always put our son first when he was growing up and many times I felt like I was the au pair instead.

This is really weird. You are supposed to put your kids first!

Sounds like you are jealous when you should be pleased.

AskingforaBaskin · 18/04/2022 10:59

A United front?
You weren't attacked and he isn't some unruly disobedient child.

I'm assuming your husband was touched by the recognition of their bond and happy that his son has grown into a man who he can have an actual relationship with. That's the goal isn't it?

My eldest is only 8 and I adore him. But I wouldn't be at all surprised if he leans more to my husband as a teen and adult. They share a mutual hobby that will probably continue through and I would love for them to be close.

As long as our relationship is good I won't mind

GeminiTwin · 18/04/2022 11:04

You sound quite clingy.

Upset that your DH put your son first? Aren't you meant to do that for your children?

Have a cuppa and forget it. Children will naturally gravitate to one parent. And it won't always be the same parent.

I'm closer to my dad and he is my go to for most things. It doesn't mean I love my mum any less, I go to them for different things.

YABU.

Original poster
Isparkle2 · 18/04/2022 11:07

@crackingreward

My husband always put our son first when he was growing up and many times I felt like I was the au pair instead.

This is really weird. You are supposed to put your kids first!

Sounds like you are jealous when you should be pleased.

I'm sorry you didn't understand the point I was making.
OP posts:
Original poster
Isparkle2 · 18/04/2022 11:09

Guys it's obvious to me a lot of you either don't understand the points I'm making or don't want to understand. I came here for support as I have noone else to turn to but I realise now it was a very big mistake to post here. To those who did understand I thank you x

OP posts:
VampireMoney · 18/04/2022 11:09

I do feel my husband should have shown a united front otherwise I wouldn't have felt so excluded by our son's comment

Ehhh?? What was he supposed to say to your adult son? Tell him off for saying it? Point out all the things you've done for him over the years? I'm sure he appreciates both of you but if he feels closer to his dad he has nothing to apologise for.