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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Adult son lives with us and prefers his father

38 replies

Isparkle2 · 18/04/2022 10:15

Our 25yr old only child is living with my husband and I for various reasons I can't get into here. My son told me in front of my husband the weekend that he's biased towards his dad and when I confronted my son about it he just replied that everyone is biased. My husband seemed pleased that he was the preferred parent and I've been devastated ever since. I feel like I can't trust my son or husband anymore and that I'm now an outsider. Am I over reacting? We were a very close family until then and now I don't know what to feel anymore or how to cope with my son's open bias towards his father. Can anyone give me advice please?

OP posts:

DropYourSword · 18/04/2022 11:11

You're clearly very upset about this but as outsiders looking in, without a LOT more context none of this really seems so unreasonable to us.

AskingforaBaskin · 18/04/2022 11:12

@Isparkle2

Guys it's obvious to me a lot of you either don't understand the points I'm making or don't want to understand. I came here for support as I have noone else to turn to but I realise now it was a very big mistake to post here. To those who did understand I thank you x

I fully understand and comprehend what you have communicated.

Don't be so twatish and insinuate we're all stupid.

We just think you need to get over yourself.

If you regret not bonding with him more during his youth that's on you and something you need to get over.

CurlyToStraight · 18/04/2022 11:14

I'm not sure how you expect your husband to show you a "united front"? Your adult son prefers his dad. That's fine, that's normal and nothing your husband can say can change that.

He also should have put his son first when he was a child. That's also a normal, parental thing to do. Didn't you?

You talk about the fact that your sacrifice was far more than your husband's, that's weird!! I assume you mean you perhaps got stretch marks etc when you talk about appearance? Or some damage due to the birth? Sadly, that's a fact of motherhood and something your husband has no control over. Neither does your son. You chose to have him, he does not have to be grateful to you or feel guilty for any health or appearance issues you may have suffered in his birth. I don't care about my abundant stretch marks, they mean I was lucky enough to have my wonderful daughter. Who by the way much prefers her father over me, even though I was the one who looked after her on a day to day basis as I was a SAHM. She's a teenager now but still can be having the best day with me, but when dad walks in, she is straight to him. I love it, nay, I ADORE the bond they have, it literally brings happy tears to my eyes when I think how close they are, and I'm no sentimental fool. How could I possibly begrudge the fact that the two people I love most in my life love each other so much? And yes, my husband thinks it's hilarious our daughter prefers him more than me. But so do I!

You say he respects you, then that's all good. If he disrespected you, that would be an entirely different matter and in that case, your husband should stand up for you. But you can't tell an adult he has to prefer his mother because she made the bigger sacrifice for him. Or that at least he has to like them 50/50!

VampireMoney · 18/04/2022 11:14

@Isparkle2

I fully understand what you're saying. I also think you need to get a bloody grip.

caringcarer · 18/04/2022 11:20

I would say my eldest a dd is a Daddy's girl but my 2 sons both closer to me. What does it matter, they all love us both?

usernamealreadytaken · 18/04/2022 11:23

I'm fairly sure our eldest DS would say he preferred his DH if pushed to verbalise it; they have lots in common and spend a good amount of time together. They enjoy the same sport, both have the same main interest (DS's job is DH's hobby) and can talk for hours about stuff I either don't understand or have no interest in.

I'm certain that DS loves me dearly but as a nearly 50 year old woman who doesn't share his interests, if push came to shove, DH would be his favourite; it doesn't make me sad it shows me we've done a good job and DS and his dad are very close. It also doesn't diminish the love DS has for me; it's just in a different way (I'm probably his fave parent at the moment I cook him a meal and box up extras for him to take home!).

titchy · 18/04/2022 11:26

This talk of 'presenting a United front' - that's appropriate for children when they misbehave, not for a relationship with adult children. It sounds as if your dh and ds have made the relationship jump from parent/child to adult/adult, and perhaps you haven't made that emotional change yet?

CPL593H · 18/04/2022 11:40

@Isparkle2

I don't know how to reply to these kind of discussions so I hope I'm doing it right. I do feel my husband should have shown a united front otherwise I wouldn't have felt so excluded by our son's comment. The fact my husband was pleased at hearing it made me feel worse. There is a need for our son to stay with us at present but it's only temporary. I don't want to go into detail but my husband and I have always looked after our son 50/50 and been there for him 50/50 although I've always been the major breadwinner and I've always worked from home. I know my son respects me but I do feel he loves me less than his dad as his dad does all the cooking and fussed over him more although the sacrifices I've made for our son have been way more than my husband and I've suffered in other ways because of it eg health and appearance. My husband always put our son first when he was growing up and many times I felt like I was the au pair instead. I used to complain about that and my husband would admit it and say he wouldn't do it again but then he did. Our son has always sided with his dad and I've often complained about that but my feelings about that has also been disregarded.

From this, it sounds like that comment touched a nerve and resurrected unhappy memories from the past, when you perhaps didn't feel appreciated or valued.

Your son is an adult and I think its fair enough to tell him (and your husband) why what most could shrug off as a throwaway comment made you feel so bad. They may not get it of course, like your husband hasn't in the past. It is easy to say and hard to do, but it is possible to try to care a little less and centre yourself more in how you live. Appreciate yourself and do stuff for you, with less thought for them, is what I'm trying to say.

HideousKinky · 18/04/2022 11:44

Once my 2nd DD age 20-ish made a passing comment to me that really hurt and I remembered it and felt sad about it for a long time. Some years later, I mentioned it in passing and she looked horrified and said, "Did I really say that? I'm so sorry!" So I realised I had made too much of it and I should have brushed it off. I think you should try to do the same

CarmenThePanda · 18/04/2022 12:11

I would say my 21 year old son is close to his Dad than me in some ways, and partly because I fuss and am emotional.

I don’t think he loves me less just because he is able to talk more with his Dad.

BUT I love my son unconditionally and am pleased for both of them that they are close.

Your reaction probably explains your Ds’s feelings!

crackingreward · 18/04/2022 13:16

@Isparkle2

I'm sorry you didn't understand the point I was making.

Hahaha come on OP, you're sorry

I completely understand your absolute desire to be hard done by and put out. Get a cup of tea, like i said earlier, and get on with your day.

Robin233 · 18/04/2022 17:07

My youngest loves us both but is closer to me
Elder two closer to dad.
I was closer to mum , but my dad was awesome (and actually the better parent. )
Hope that helps you feel better.
Remember as long as he loves you , you have done a good job.
It's not a competition.

NewDayNewLife · 19/04/2022 19:14

Hi @Isparkle2,
I wanted to comment on your post because I'm in a similar situation, albeit from your son's perspective, and am the same age as him.
I love both my parents and they have made lots of sacrifices for me, but am closer to my dad as he has a much more easygoing personality. TBF he was also more the "fun" parent as he worked and my DM, an SAHM, had to deal with all the daily drudgery. That said, if I had made the comment that I was "biased" towards Dad, with or without Mum present, I'd have had a lecture from Dad about the sacrifices that my mum has and is continuing to make for me. He would not be proud. So I can see why you were upset.
Since your husband has minimised things in the past, I'd recommend talking with your son alone. He's completely within his rights to have a closer relationship with his dad but he needs to be respectful to you, as long as you are respectful of him which you appear to be. You can remind him of the sacrifices you have made and that comments like this are really hurtful. It may not get through to him right away especially if you don't have back-up, but it may make him think. And if you are proud of him for other reasons, I'd re-iterate that as well.
Hope this helps.

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